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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Sex just hurts

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Author Topic: Sex just hurts
Miriam1987
Neophyte
Member # 49629

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Hey everyone,
This is my first post here. And as the title indicates, I have a problem. Having sex hurts.

My boyfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time (for both of us) two and a half weeks ago. It was awkward and I was stressed out (we already pleased each other in other ways and I knew I have a tight vagina (he can put two fingers in there, but it already borders between pleasure and discomfort), but we tried it anyway). And it just hurt, so much that I said "stop". It felt like it just didn't fit, that my vaginal walls were going to break. The problem is not that I'm not lubricated enough.

So we stopped. And the next day we tried again, and it still hurt, so we stopped again. I felt something wasn't right, so I went to my family doctor. She listened and checked it with one finger and told me not to worry (my hymen was still present and we should just try multiple times).

Yesterday, we tried again, it was a little better, but it still hurt (and to be honest, I think we didn't do it right). And everytime we stop, I regret I said "stop" because I feel I am just not tough enough to cope with this pain.

My bf is very sweet, for him it's not a big problem (he says that if it never works, it's no problem, because we have several other ways to please each other. And that he loves me nevertheless), but for me it is.

And I'm scared. I'm scared for the pain, scared it won't work, scared it will never work. I know this isn't helping me, and that's what I ask you. What can I do to not be scared and to make the pain go away?

Posts: 4 | From: Netherlands | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
OWL Dan
Activist
Member # 49077

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Hi and Welcome Miriam1987,

What you are experiencing isnt as uncommon as you would think. You should trust your Dr when she said that you were alright. There are several possibilities that could contribute to this. Stress can be a big contributor to many problems in sexual activities. I am including a few articles that may be helpful to both of you. FYI, there are many other articles on this site that might be interesting too. Feel free to look around. Good luck and let us know if we can help any further.


From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry

Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

--------------------
Dan

Posts: 842 | From: Ohio | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hepzibah
Neophyte
Member # 49638

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Hello, I'm new here as well! ^_^

I just had sex for the first time last week, and it really hurt as well! What made it better for me was trying alternative positions - it was a lot less painful when I was on top rather than him. Have you considered that at all?

I was scared too, at first, but upon letting my boyfriend KNOW that I was in pain, he was absolutely mortified, and vowed to be as gentle as possible. Even though that wasn't really the issue, knowing he cared that much was a MASSIVE comfort for me. Communication is vital here, and as you love each other, just bear that in mind and try to be comfortable [Smile]

I hope you get it sorted soon, good luck!

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BriAnne86
Neophyte
Member # 48343

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I just had sex for the first time a couple weeks ago, and believe me (and if you don't you can look at some of my other threads here!) I was pretty scared about it. I thought there was just no way anything was going to fit in there, haha.

It was a little...complicated...the first time we tried. I think I was too nervous to relax enough. He was able to get one finger in me to help loosen me up, but anything more than that was just too painful. I was pretty bummed and we quit trying for the night.

The next day, though, I relaxed a bit, and we tried some other things. We spent more time getting me more aroused, and before long he was able to get 2 fingers in comfortably (and not only that, it actually felt good and didn't hurt!). So we tried it again, and it still just didn't seem to work. We were just doing a missionary position (figured it'd be best to start simple haha). We changed it up a little and I moved to the edge of the bed and he stood. He was able to penetrate me most of the way, but it was difficult for him because of the height of the bed being too low. So instead we put a pillow under my butt and lo and behold, it went right in with zero pain. I laugh about it now because I know I had a look of shock on my face that it was so easy and painless, after having worried about it so much, lol.

The next few times we tried he still had to help me loosen up first, moving from one finger to two, and then the penis, but it went much smoother since I already knew what to expect and wasn't nervous anymore.

And I used plenty of lube too even though I think I would have been fine without it. I just wanted that assurance.

So keep your chin up. This is coming from someone who thought I'd never have sex because I thought it would just hurt way too much. It'll happen! I definitely suggest using lube though if you aren't. It really makes a huge difference! And like someone else said, try some different angles. That can really make a difference too. [Smile]

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Cian
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Member # 44405

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Being nervous and scared can be a big contributor, same with position. Ie. I had this funny idea that doing it laying flat on my back must be the easiest way. Which it wasn't at all! I tried on top because it was often suggested. It was worse! But through trial and error (and I really suggest not thinking the OW!s and stopping as failures, but rather something you can chuckle about a bit) I found the position that made it easier for me. Also something I noticed: if I knew to expect the insertion and worried about pain, I would experience pain. One time it sort of happened so fast I didn't quite catch up on time, there was no pain whatsoever. Not that I would suggest that trying to surprise you is a good tactic, no way, but just an observation I made regarding myself. So it could be you're expecting to experience pain which ultimately causes the pain.

And I chime with the lube. I self lubricate easily, BUT, similarly, I can suddenly run dry just as easily (especially if experiencing discomfort or worrying about it), so having lubricant is very helpful.

As per what can you do to NOT stress and worry, I'd suggest taking a small break from even attempting penis-in-vagina intercourse and just relaxing and enjoying each others bodies. I don't know if you ever felt like you were somehow faulted or broken because of this (because I did), but if you did, please realize this is not the case. You're just fine and dandy (even your doctor said so)

I hope you work it out and it'll no longer be a source of stress in your life.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I do want to make sure you have first also checked in with an OB/GYN if this pain remains persistent.

Have you done that yet? Because sometimes the cause of vulval or vaginal pain CAN be physical, it's ideal to have a healthcare pro evaluate this frist before continuing to try to do something that is causing you pain.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BriAnne86
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Member # 48343

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quote:
Originally posted by Cian:
As per what can you do to NOT stress and worry, I'd suggest taking a small break from even attempting penis-in-vagina intercourse and just relaxing and enjoying each others bodies. I don't know if you ever felt like you were somehow faulted or broken because of this (because I did), but if you did, please realize this is not the case. You're just fine and dandy (even your doctor said so)

Just wanted to chime in here again and say I 100% agree with this part in particular....when I visited my bf we got to spend a LOT of time together, only us. No worries of interruptions, etc. Needless to say, we spent a lot of time just being naked around each other and we (well, more me, since he was totally comfortable with that whole deal haha) got really comfortable.

And it's weird you use the term "broken" because I actually told my bf this the first night we tried and it didn't work. I was bummed and told him I felt like I was broken somehow and would never happen for me. Little did I know!

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hepzibah
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Member # 49638

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I'd also like to add to what Cian said about focusing on other things rather than penis-in-vagina intercourse. Another difference between my first and second times was that my boyfriend gave me cunnilingus before attempting to penetrate me the second time, and as that gave me an orgasm, everything was already massively relaxed and naturally lubricated down there already before we had sex. Perhaps you should also consider a lot more foreplay beforehand.
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Miriam1987
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Member # 49629

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Thanks everyone [Smile] I'm a bit more relaxed now, now I know that I'm not the only one who's having problems and that with most of you, it's okay now. That gives me hope and less reason to stress.

Yes, I felt I was faulted and did not try my hardest. Thanks for telling me that that's not the case [Smile]

I think it's going to be okay, not right now, but in the future it will be.

Posts: 4 | From: Netherlands | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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