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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » How do I reject him without hurting his feelings?

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Author Topic: How do I reject him without hurting his feelings?
Vickie
Neophyte
Member # 48555

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The person in question is, in many ways, my opposite. Though we share common interests and senses of humor, our views on life are on opposite ends of the spectrum. He beleives in casual sex, wild parties, and lots and lots of making out. On top of that, he's naturally a very affectionate & emotional person. Me, on the other hand, I believe in abstinence, don't drink, don't do drugs. I am not affectionate at all, and bottle up all my emotions. You will never see me cry or rage.
We've known one another since we were young children, and we are best friends, though we live far apart. In a couple months, I will be purchasing a plane ticket to visit him for a few days. Though we aren't dating and don't intend to, he wants to be very affectionate with me- which means a lot of kissing. For him, such behavior is reserved, but for me it is shockingly intimate and frightening. He's of the mind that he can teach me to show affection, but I don't want to learn. However, I also don't quite know how to explain it. In a way it's like colonists and indians... the way of thinking is just so different

Posts: 11 | From: Richmond | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Atonement
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42492

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Hello!

I think you need to explain to your friend that you just don't feel comfortable kissing him, and he needs to respect that.

Everyone has different ways of showing affection, and just because you're less comfortable with physical displays of affection than he is doesn't mean that you need to "learn" anything.

If you don't think your friend can respect this, you might want to reconsider flying out to visit him.

Good luck!

~Atonement

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lucidkitty
Activist
Member # 49104

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Just let him know that you are not into that outside of a relationship, and you are not interested in even that now.
Posts: 84 | From: baltimore,maryland | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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quote:
He's of the mind that he can teach me to show affection, but I don't want to learn. However, I also don't quite know how to explain it. In a way it's like colonists and indians... the way of thinking is just so different
I like what Atonement had to say about this, but I'd also add that someone deciding they can "teach" you something, particularly something that's really about getting them what they want, not something you want is....well, in this context, it strikes me as kind of skeevy. There's nothing philanthropic about someone who wants to touch you in ways you aren't interested in trying to "teach" you to do what they want, you know?

Personally, I think if we're at the point in life where we are putting ourselves out there to others per asking about sex or other physical intimacy, it's also on us to manage our feelings when someone declines to participate. NOT up to the person who declines: they're only responsible for managing their feelings.

So, I'd simply let him know that you don't want to be "taught" anything and also don't want to be affectionate with him in those ways. You like him a lot and love him as a friend, but you don't want those things, and hope he cares about you enough to accept and honor that, as well as to accept and honor the ways you two are different, rather than trying to make you be who/what he wants.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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