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Author Topic: I'm so...awkward.
sunshineeexoxo
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Member # 48632

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I'm 16, and I'm obviously not done growing, but I'm just uncomfortable in my own skin for a few reasons.

I'm too tall. I'm 5'9'', and while that is useful since I play volleyball, I feel like a giant off the court. My best friend stands at a beautiful 5'3'', and most of my other friends are around 5'4'' or 5'5''. I feel so tall next to them, and I feel like I look really awkward around them.

I'm too skinny. I weigh about 112 pounds. My best friend weighs more than me. That being said, I look anorexic. My collarbones look like they are going to pop our of my skin, my hips stick out, and knees are knobby, and my ribs and vertabrae can be counted. Being that skinny also means I have like....no breasts.

I have a bunch of other body image issues. I try to pass off as really confident and stuff, but it's a little bit hard! I'm constantly just staring in my mirror, turning and bending trying to see if I look attractive at all, from any angle.

I know basically, you can tell me that I need to be comfortable with myself, because I can't really change it, and I know that, it's easier said than done though.

(I'd like to say now that I apologize that I write books, I can never shut up.)

I have other issues, which you could probably help me with.

I've noticed, that my breasts aren't the same size. My left one is bigger than my right one. I wear a 34A. Or at least, I would if they were the same size. The cup is too big on my right breast, and it leaves a little space! It's really annoying, and the left side just looks more attractive and filled out. What should I do? If I drop a cup size to a AA, then it will be too small on my left one. I suppose I should just stay with the size I am now, if there isn't any other way, haha.

Now, moving onto another issue that I have. I swear, my body is just totally...asymmetrical! (That's the word I mean, right?) It's super embarrassing, but my vagina isn't the same on both sides....at all. One of my inner labias is totally larger and more dominant than the other one. It's so ugly and embarrassing! It makes me feel like any guy that I will ever be with will be disgusted and totally turned off!

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now, and we both know that we are going to have sex, (It will be both of our first times) we just don't want to rush things. However, before we actually have intercourse, neither one of us are opposed to manual and oral. Well, I'm not opposed giving it to him, which I have before. He's asked numerous times to do the same to me, but I've refused every time. I just don't want him to see my body like that because it's so ugly. [Frown]

I know that I need to be completely comfortable with my body before I have sex, because otherwise, it just won't work out the way I hope it will.

Those weren't even really questions, sorry. >.<

I do have an actual question though, now.

I didn't start my period until later than most of my friends, but it's okay, because once you get it, ew, who wants it? I started when I was almost 14, so it's been almost 3 years I guess. It's not regular. At all. Sometimes I skip a month, or two....or three, without noticing it, then I'll realize that I can't remember the last time I had my period. I also NEVER know when it's going to come, because of the fact I'm not regular. Which is kind of annoying and not very fun. Question: If I were to go on birth control, would that fix that?

I know my mom will say yes if I ask her to go on birth control. She's said hundreds of times "If you're mature enough to make the decision to have sex, I'm pretty sure you can ask me for the pill." I'm just dreading the conversation because of awkwardness. I know now, if I say "Oh Mom, my periods aren't regular, birth control?" she'll know I have other motives, even though that is a legit reason I want it.

I really want to get my period situation figured out because once I do start having sex, I'll be constantly worried I'm pregnant if I'm not on the pill. We're planning on using condoms, obviously, but I'd rather be doubly safe.

Again, I'm sorry that I just wrote a book. Really, I am.

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:)

Posts: 15 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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While, for sure, a lot of this has to do with getting to the point where you accept your body as it is, and are comfortable in your skin, that often is a process for all of us.

In other words, it's not like most of us can just wake up one day, say "Gosh, I feel so uncomfy with me, I need to feel more comfortable," and then just do it, all in one step. It's something that tends to be a gradual process and takes time. It's also something that tends to be hard to do at any point in life when our bodies are changing a lot or in flux, which is the case with and around puberty.

I do want to make sure that you know that things like labia not being identical to one another and breasts being slightly different sizes is actually MORE common than symmetry in those regards. as well, those kinds of things are things other people often won't even notice or see, but only that we do because we live in our bodies 24/7 and tend to be their harshest critics.

I probably don't need to tell you that your perception of your shorter, thicker friends is probably the same kind of perception they have of you. [Smile] For instance, while I totally accept being short, and I'm cool with it, when I look at tall people I often have the same kinds of thoughts about them you express having about your friends. When I see women with very small breasts, even though I like mine as they are, sometimes I have some envy myself, dreaming of a wonderful life of tank tops worn with nothing else. [Smile]

With your periods, since you are very thin, that might be part of what's up. Periods tend to rely on a certain percentage of body fat. But that might resolve itself once you get a little older (and probably will), and may not even be about your weight. It's typical for periods, in the first few years someone has them, to be irregular. It tends to take most bodies at least a few years before they begin to become regular. Since you've only been menstruating for two years, I'd say irregularity now is to be expected (however annoying it may be).

The pill doesn't actually regulate periods, per se, since it changes the whole hormonal system that makes them happen. A "period" on the pill isn't actually a period at all, but a bleed forced by the way the medication is taken, because the body withdraws from hormones during the off-week.

So, using the pill probably will give you more regular bleeding, even if it isn't really about your period.

Per the conversation with your Mom, how about you consider you just be honest and tell her it's both about your periods and about you thinking you may have intercourse sometime down the road?

[ 08-29-2010, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67076 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nessa13
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Member # 48619

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I don't mean to butt-in, because Heather has given some really lovely advice, but I can really relate to this topic, so I thought I might try to help a little too. =)

I was, and still am, uncomfortable with my body. I would say a lot of my body is mis-matched, like yours. I went through a lot of self-image issues recently, but got tired of not having confidence and thinking so low of myself physically, when I thought I was beautiful on the inside.

I know everyone says it and that you are kind of hesitant about it at first, but looking in a mirror and trying to concentrate on things you love about your body instead of picking out 'imperfections' (although all of our bodies are perfectly imperfect) really DOES work. I would look at my long, gangly arms and instead see lovely fingers for playing the piano, which I plan to do. I now think that my nose being slightly off-center is cute, instead of weird. I have dark circles under my eyes from my Italian ancestry, but they're also a lovely green colour. Try it sometime. =) Also, just doing nice things for your body might make you love it more. I was never a bath kind of person, but one night I took a bath with some scented bath beads, and my skin felt so smooth and I felt so womanly and sexy! =) Even just putting lotion on your body after a shower, or something. The smoothness of your skin makes you feel beautiful.

If every one of us was completely symmetrical and perfect, we'd be like... robots. :S One of your breasts being slightly larger than the other isn't only normal, but it makes you unique. And trust me-- no one else even notices. We are WAY too self-conscious about ourselves. And hey-- like you said, being so tall does help you in volleyball! And I'm sure you're legs are nice and long, which looks great in dresses and skirts. [Wink]

About your weight-- I used to be very thin, too. I still am, a little, but I think I'm naturally that way. One thing I'd like to ask you is if you eat regularly? Because I didn't (without even realizing it), and once I started eating only a little more each day, I've been able to gain and maintain four or five pounds. Also, you being thin may just be due to not being fully developed, yet. Sixteen still is quite young, and your body may very well put on weight on it's own as you develop further. Who knows?

About your boyfriend... I also used to be nervous about what my boyfriend would think, but if he wants to be with you and do sexual things with you, he must care about you very much and think you're beautiful the way you are. Anyone who laughs at you is immature and not worth your time.

I don't know if I helped much, but I thought I'd try. =)

Posts: 7 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
luanne
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Member # 48638

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I bet since you're an athlete your body is in fine form.
Your boyfriend is not even going to judge you a fraction as harshly as you judge yourself. When he sees you naked, I promise your "imperfections" will be the LAST thing on his mind. [Wink]

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♥♥♥

Posts: 69 | From: America | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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