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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » I need some good advice about my number of sexual partners

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Author Topic: I need some good advice about my number of sexual partners
cudderisback
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I am 15 years old, and have so far had sex with 14 people. Do you think this is TOO many? Should I be honest about it to potential boyfriends? Will anybody take me seriously even?

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ILoVeAkidnamedCuDi

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cudderisback
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Also how do I keep the number low? If I think someones the one and I sleep with them and they leave me, that's not my fault.

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ILoVeAkidnamedCuDi

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Djuna
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Honestly, there's really not any number that's "too many", or "too few". You get to set (and break) your own rules there.

Perhaps you'd like to give this article a read - the gist is that if you're not sure you want a particular sexual activity with someone, then it's probably a good idea to say no to it. The flipside of that is that if, say, you're having sex multiple times a day with innumerable partners, but absolutely want and enjoy that sex and are looking after yourself in terms of protection from STIs, pregnancy and so on, then that's OK too.

It sounds like you're concerned about this number, though - is that something you'd like to talk about?

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In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I dont know what I am. I dont know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.

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Heather
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I'd also ask if YOU think it's too many. because as Joseph explained, there's no one amount of partners that's right for everyone. However, any of us can find that a certain amount may feel like too many or too few.

You also talk about "the one." Want to talk about what you mean by that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cudderisback
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I've never cared much for any of these people, that's the hard part.
They all basically are no longer a part of my life. I recently started liking this eighteen year old and took his virginity (a fifteen year old taking an eighteen year olds virginity whaa!?) And he was being cool before but he now seems reluctant and I'm uneasy because I think it might be because of the number of sexual partners I've had. I just am tired of meaningless sex and being 'that girl'. Guys these days will pose as the nicest ones and end up having sex with you and then you are old news and I really hate it.

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ILoVeAkidnamedCuDi

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Heather
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You say you never cared much for these folks and that you are tired of sex without meaning. What makes sex meaningful for people tends to vary, but caring about partners is a common factor in many people's experiences of what is meaningful.

So, if this hasn't felt right to you, maybe some of finding a dynamic that does in your sex life might have to do with choosing people to have sex that you do care more deeply for?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cudderisback
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I just mean when I had sex with this one guy it was different then the others and it felt like I really connected with them and really wanted them to stay in my life. It hurts a lot that they are yet another person who just wanted sex and I want to have sexual relationships I just don't know the healthy way to do so without making my situation worse and hating my decisions in the long run.

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ILoVeAkidnamedCuDi

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Heather
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quote:
a fifteen year old taking an eighteen year olds virginity whaa!?
Just FYI, while I'm not fond of terms like "taking virginity," people have first sexual partners at a variety of different ages and paces. So, what you're describing there really isn't that unusual.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cudderisback
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Oh of course I didn't mean to offend or judge of course I really just feel like I'm the one who would/should be embarrassed of that.

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ILoVeAkidnamedCuDi

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Heather
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quote:
I just mean when I had sex with this one guy it was different then the others and it felt like I really connected with them and really wanted them to stay in my life. It hurts a lot that they are yet another person who just wanted sex and I want to have sexual relationships I just don't know the healthy way to do so without making my situation worse and hating my decisions in the long run.
Can I ask if you have been having discussions with partners, including that one guy, before starting a sexual relationship where you voice what you are looking for clearly? In other words, in which you express, as you have said here, that you want something more than sex in those relationships, in which you also ask what the other person wants and is looking for, ideally in a few conversations over time before you start a sexual relationship?

I'd also add that when we want more depth in our relationships, being honest about ourselves is a given. So, in talks you have with potential partners about your sexual history, I personally would advise being honest, especially if you want to come to relationships as your whole self and set a precedent for partners to do the same.

[ 06-27-2010, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Can I also then ask why you feel like you should be embarrassed?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cudderisback
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The first person I ever had sex with was nothing to me. I had met him a few days before he wasn't a virgin and he didn't know I was and it was one of those random aquantances that you just end up alone and throw yourselves at one another, like in the movies. I talk to him on msn once in a while, but never about that night.
the second really cared for me and I cared for him but we eventually grew apart and now never ever talk.
The third was a boyfriend for five months, my first boyfriend and we had sex before we dated, a one night stand and he fell for me after then it ended because of living arrangements.
fourth told me he liked me, had sex with me and never came back.
fifth and sixth same as fourth.
seventh dated me for two days before we had sex, told me he really liked me. dumped me after 5 days of sleeping with me and then never came back.
eighth and ninth were just for fun and I can admit that it was dumb of me.
tenth was a drunken night with a long time friend.
eleventh was a man who absolutely loved me whom I had been best friends with for years and it was the night before I moved away from the town we grew up in together.
The twelfth gave me beers and when I started to get drunk started to touch me and stuff and I felt weird because he gave me stuff, I couldn't be rude or whatever..
The 13 was a drunken party night.
and the last was this eighteen year old who I actually liked and talked to every day and liked me as well.

I hope that helps

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ILoVeAkidnamedCuDi

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cudderisback
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I feel embarrassed because girls my age are loved by guys around here because they are unexperienced and not had many guys. They would call me a 'slut'

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ILoVeAkidnamedCuDi

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Heather
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It strikes me as very unlikely that the reason someone loves them has to do with their level of experience. That's just not usually why someone loves someone else.

People calling other people sluts is a pretty big, and separate topic, but slurs against anyone aren't the person who is being called a slurs fault.

Your experiences sound pretty varied here. I see times when you were wasted (so your choices were probably not so sound per figuring if sex then was what was right for you or not). I see times when you had sex soon in a relationship and then the relationship ended just as quickly. I see times when it sounds like you were only seeking out casual sex (which I don't think it dumb, unless that isn't/wasn't what you wanted).

But again, what kinds of conversations are you having with people before you decide to choose them as sexual partners?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cudderisback
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casual ones.. except with the last one. We talked about EVERYTHING

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ILoVeAkidnamedCuDi

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Heather
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Okay, so the last time, you had these conversations, but you have not talked with other partners about what each of you wanted before, making sure you were on the same page before you chose to have sexual relationships with them?

This last time when you did, were you on the same page? Did you want the same or very similar things?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Djuna
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I'm sorry to hear you feel embarrassed about this, and about name-calling and so on, which is difficult. If you are feeling uncomfortable about an aspect of your sex life, though, it's very positive that you want to talk those feelings through. [Smile]

If I may ask, cudderisback, how in these situations have you previously gone about deciding whether or not you'll have a sexual relationship with someone?

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In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I dont know what I am. I dont know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.

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Brittanycookie
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Maybe you should die down on the sex. And once you get to kknow someone very well and your in love, then if you feel right, continue. If you're going to continue to have sex with just anyone, thats not going to look very well on you're part. Things can turn around and look VERY badly upon you.
Maybe you should step back and really think about it.

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Djuna
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I think worrying about other people's thoughts about one's number of sexual partners is not something that's especially worthwhile. The issue here seems to be cudderisback's own feelings - about whether or not the amount of sex she is having is okay with her.

Other people's negative thoughts about someone's sex life are most likely their own problem, if you see what I mean. Also, it's not really for anyone to say what is and isn't okay for a person to do sexually so long as everyone involved is consenting.

quote:
And once you get to kknow someone very well and your in love, then if you feel right, continue.
I think the message "if you feel right, continue" is quite right - but it's about making sure that whatever sex a person has is okay with themselves and their partner. I don't think that all of us would agree that love is necessarily needed for that okayness.

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In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I dont know what I am. I dont know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.

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