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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Depressed at new year

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Author Topic: Depressed at new year
Member # 29269

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2010 started about 90 minutes ago in the UK - I couldn't wait for it to start because I had such a crappy 2009 (lost all my possessions twice, lost my grandmother, moved universities, been in therapy twice and planning a third time). The surprise for me is that now it's started, I really can't face another year as bad as the last one. Right now I'm lying very still in my bed since the idea of taking an overdose occurred to me. I hadn't had any suicidal thoughts for a while until the last couple weeks, when they've gotten more and more frequent. I'm a little scared.

I know it's realistically going to be a while before anyone replies to this, what with New Year's and all, but I could use some help?

In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I dont know what I am. I dont know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 35643

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Hi Joe,
Sorry to hear that you're feeling so low at the moment. It sounds like 2009 was a really tough year for you and I hope that this year will bring much better times.

I think you'll know that when you're having frequent suicidal thoughts and thinking about acting on them (which isn't uncommon, especially at this time of year), the best thing is to get some in-person help. That could be calling a family member or friend (or your therapist). Or if you're not comfortable with that, calling a helpline or crisis line. Its great that you were able to reach out for help here as a first step, the next step is to find someone where you are who can support you. Can you think of someone you could call? Would you like help to find a local phoneline?

Take care and hang in there.

[ 12-31-2009, 08:42 PM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 44381

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I don't really know what to say, and I'm not a volunteer or anything, but still.

I'm so sorry all that crap happened to you.
So many people feel like crap at this time of year (my grandmother died almost exactly a year ago) and it just seems like everyone is having a wonderful time, when really, a lot of people aren't.

I just mean, you're not alone. And I'm certain that there are people who care deeply about you.
Suicidal thoughts are scary as hell, I know. And your brain is telling you to get help. I'm sure you know about Samaritans, who are there 24/7 on 08457 90 90 90.
Therapy really can be helpful, and there is no shame in having more than one course of it.

Sometimes all you can do is look back at all the crap you've coped with so far and know that that was a pretty amazing achievement. And that things do get better, and that you *will* be OK again.

Sorry if that was a bit useless. Need to sleep now, but my thoughts are with you.

[ 12-31-2009, 08:47 PM: Message edited by: treetops ]

Posts: 161 | From: europe | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 45026

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Hey, Patrickvienna;

Your 2009 sounds like it was terrible and I'm sorry about that. You seem like a really solid person who can get through a lot. If you're really thinking about an overdose as an option for you, you probably feel like you've hit rock bottom. Look on the bright side; things can only get better. Think of 2010 as a new beginning, because it is. Who knows, with an optimistic view, this might be your year. I've been where you are now and trust me, nothing stays crappy for too long. Your luck will surely change for the better.

"No one has a right to consume happiness without producing it."- Helen Keller

Posts: 13 | From: Arizona | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 13388

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Joe, I was actually thinking of you last night; I hadn't seen your post or anything but I was certainly wondering how you were doing.

I'm sorry that 2009 was such a crappy year for you; I understand how the prospect of more challenges could feel incredibly overwhelming and dreadful but I also see a lot of positive in what you wrote.

Losing your belongings twice sucks but I know that one of the times was while you were traveling on what sounded like a really neat trip! And you even mentioned here how Greyhound gave you $250 (I didn't even look that up but I can remember very specific details about people [Wink] ) which you could use to buy clothing that enabled a type of gender exploration you had wished for. That doesn't take the crappiness away but it is a shimmer of positivity.

Losing a loved one is tragic but your grandmother's passing being that sad is, in an ironic way, a sign that you two had a very special, meaningful relationship; as the saying goes, "it's better to have loved and lost than not loved at all." I am sure you can remember the good times and carry on her inspiration throughout your life.

Changing universities may be stressful but it also means getting just one step closer to doing what you want to do and where you want to do it; and, gosh, London is a city that so many dream of living in but cannot even afford to stay in a hotel on a short trip! (And if you're not liking it there, then I encourage you to either find ways to appreciate the possibilities or continue your search for a better match. [Smile] )

Finally, I don't see anything negative about being in therapy like you describe! Sure, it may not be a quick fix that we may desire but it also is an ongoing process and access to those services, having people really committed to helping you, is pretty awesome. And, again, it's almost another step closer to becoming happier and realizing your dreams.

You can see from your responses here that people do care about you and I'm sure there are even more in person, even if it doesn't feel like it at times. One of the trickiest things about depression is sometimes not being able to see the good or the potential for good. You may not be able to change how you feel but you *can* take steps towards making things better or at least more bearable, be it going out to the library to peruse books or DVDs, writing to an old friend, or making a yummy meal.

As those above gave you some good links, you know where to turn in an emergency situation. Life can just feel unpleasant or sucky for a short or long amount of time but that's even more reason to seek out the good things. I wish you luck on your journey! [Smile]

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Member # 28394

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Heya Joe,

I'm glad you're leaving so many difficult things behind you this year. I do think that if observing new year it is important to be positive... The basis of this thread seems to me to make out that the crappiness of your year and your being down when writing this is a given, but I don't think it helps you to do so.

I think it's really positive that you've engaged with therapy. It's not helpful to use it as a symbol of how sad life is, but as a positive thing that people can do whenever they like, somethings better when NOT at their worst, to work on difficulties.

I think you really could work on finding the positives for yourself. They're right there and I believe you're capable enough to pull them up in your consciousness right now. Your asking all of us scarleteeners for a helping hand doing that is of course a compliment to us all, but it's also good for you, when you think about it, that you're kind of expressing a belief that those positives are out there... I think stating that means you can find them too.

I'd try to think of; your having actually survived hard stuff, your having learnt from the experiences and your growth as a person. These things can all happen painfully but we can absorb all of that and also be better, stronger, more capable and more positive people.

I know seeking mental wellness is a tough project, but really trying therapy is a good thing which is worth putting time into and part of greater growth, it is also good to seek pleasant closeness with other people, or positivity where other people are expressing it... it's a pretty good bandwaggon to jump on.

[ 01-01-2010, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: PenguinBoy ]

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Posts: 633 | From: Bedfordshire, UK | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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