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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » You and Your New Year's Resolutions

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Author Topic: You and Your New Year's Resolutions
Ecofem
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I want to hear your opinion and enlist your help! In return, you can see your name in lights on the main site at the blog! [Smile]

SOME BACKGROUND:I do the Spotlight on Scarleteen feature on the blog and I'd like to write about what YOU have to say about sexuality-based New Year's resolutions.

HOW TO MAKE IT HAPPEN:We have a poll up on the main site on this that we invite you to vote in if you haven't already. Then, you can either post a longer response there or here and I'll include it in a special Spotlight on Scarleteen: New Year's Resolutions blog on New Year's Day. Just let me know if you'd prefer for me to use your username or real name.

HERE'S THAT POLL LINK AGAIN: Which of these is the best sexuality-based New Year's resolution for you?

Thanks in advance, and I look forward to hearing from you!

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September
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I selected "To accept and embrace my sexual orientation or sexual identity".

I first came out in high school, ten years ago, and dated women exclusively for a few years until I started seeing my (now ex-) boyfriend in 2004. Since then, I have been dating only males. In a lot of ways, I was going the path of least resistance: I attend University in a very conservative area and though I am out to my friends and they are supportive of me, there is no queer community to speak of on my campus. Aside from a friend who recently came out to me, I only have one queer couple in my circle of friends - and I have not met any other queer people in the more than 4 years I have lived in this town.

For the fall semester this year, I went to study abroad. The college I visited had a massive queer community, and for the first time since high school, I regularly hung out with other queer people and dated women. And I had the most amazing time and felt more true to myself than I had in years.

Though I am returning to my 'home' university for another year to finish up my M.A. there, this is my resolution: To stop being hetero-by-default, to be more out even if people don't expect or suspect it of me, to make a greater effort to seek out other queer or queer-friendly people, and to stop dating men I am not really attracted to.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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bookwormfairy
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I chose to improve my body image and/or ditch sexual shame. Some of the other resolutions applied to me as well but I thought that this should be worked on in the new year.

I have a bad body image of myself and for years I have used men as a way to improve this image.

[ 12-29-2009, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: bookwormhottie ]

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~Lillian

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Heather
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Just so all of you know that things like this are hardly only things younger people or those newer to sex or sexuality may need/want to work on, mine would be to be more vulnerable and open (the honest part, I got down).

It's not that I'm not either of those things, I am, but the older I get the more I realize that there is always another layer of vulnerability and openness than wherever you're at, and when you know you're in a safe emotional space to try going one level deeper, it's beneficial to do so, and can offer things you didn't even know you didn't have. I'm with someone right now with whom my history is such that I know there may not be a safer person for me in this department, so it's a safe risk to take that might give both of us even more depth than we already thought we had, together and alone. Especially since my partner is so vulnerable with me, it's gob-smacking sometimes, and shows me that I still have some more opening up I can do.

But just wanted to add my two cents so you could know that even those of us who do sexuality as a living, and who are getting long in the tooth can still always have room for growth and improvements. [Smile]

[ 12-29-2009, 08:01 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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RB211
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Good idea for a topic. Mine would have to be making the right choice of girl / continue holding out until then. Want to find "the one" and be with her so we can build a future together, vs. making a mistake going after the wrong girl(s) and ending up with no one, feeling hopeless (if all of that made any sense lol).
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Ecofem
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Thank you so much for the excellent goals, Joey, Liliamber, Heather, and RB211!

Joey: Those are some really powerful words there! Is it ok if I quote you directly?

Liliamber: I appreciate your honesty and find it a very good goal. It makes me think of Seven Ways to Love Your Body. Have you seen that article yet? Do you have any specific ways you'd like you work in this?

Heather: It's cool to hear your reflection on continuing to increase vulnerability and openness. It made me think about what my sexuality-related goals have been over the years; I can't remember many specifics but it'd be an interesting thing to track!

RB211: Thanks, and I do think I get what you're saying! I hear you're saying you want to "hold out" for a truly good relationship with someone who is truly a good match rather than "settling" for someone who's ok at first. However, with time, the relationship ultimately makes you feel trapped and the negative feelings surrounding the breakup make you feel so unhappy that you'd miss something really great that came your way just then! Have you seen the following articles? They've got different focuses but they're all related:
An Immodest Proposal
Love Letter
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

These are really great! I look forward to hearing more if others would like to share, too. [Smile]

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Ecofem
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I'd like to share mine now. [Smile] I chose "Other" because my goal is to get an IUD. I've tried many forms of birth control in the time I've been sexually active: Condoms had always been the old standby and I had always used them but I'm in the first relationship where I'd want other options due to fluid bonding. We got tested first and all that jazz and I'm very glad to go condom-free. However, were I to see someone else, I'd absolutely use condoms and other latex barriers.

I didn't have a very good experience with birth control pills back in high school/college so I really don't want to go back on a hormonal birth control method due to potential side effects.

I currently mainly use a diaphragm, which has been positive overall but leaves much to be desired. I'll skip all the details for now but I realize there's a trade-off with all methods. For example, with BCP, you have to remember to take the pill everyday; you don't have to do that with a barrier method but you do have to deal with timing, insertion and removal, not to mention a lot of gooey spermicide that can burn! (Hooray for Vaginal Contraceptive Film as an alternative.)

I also have always used emergency contraception as my back-up method. I didn't have a very good experience with it nine years ago (then again, I didn't become pregnant!) but I took it again recently and it was totally fine!

That's a novel and I think I'll abbreviate it for the blog entry [Wink] but there you go!

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September
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[Lena: Sure, you can quote me if you'd like. [Smile] ]

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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grizzly_boy
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Okay, here's mine: To not have sex until I feel completely ready (in other words, remain a virgin until I feel ready for sex).

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Grizzly

Wondering about my handle? I have hairy legs. Last year, my "friends" used "Grizzly" to tease me. now I just use it as nickname.

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Cian
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There were many I could've well chosen, but to go with the one I feel the strongest about;
My resolution is "To improve my body image and/or ditch sexual shame".

I have been putting myself down in every aspect from a very young age and it has, very naturally, interfered with my sexual encounters despite the fact I have only ever been sexual with one person who I've been with for five years, four of which sexually active.
I want myself to enjoy myself more without the distracting "Oh, a roll of fat there, can't do that because of my legs, can't look that way because of this and that" etc going on in my head. And not just myself, but also my partner. I don't want my partner to suffer from my low self esteem any longer.

I will be taking steps to a "better me" as soon as the mental health and wellbeing offices open at my school.

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Ecofem
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Thanks, Grizzly and Cian! Your goals sound great. [Smile]

Grizzly: How do you define "virginity"? As you know, here at Scarleteen, we talk about the concept, it can mean differen things to different people (or really not matter at all!) Do you mean all partnered sexual activities or any specific activity? How do you plan to do this and is there anything that you think might make it hard for you? (Not to question your resolution but start a dialogue! [Smile] )
Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context
20 Questions About Virginity: Scarleteen Interviews Hanne Blank

Cian: I think you have a very noble resolution, especially considering how long you've been dealing with that negativity. I find that I often feel best about my body during partnered sexual activities because I can see how body parts that may have once seemed pesky or "imperfect" can bring me great pleasure. [Smile] That also reminds me of this new article: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body.

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Ecofem
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LAST CALL FOR COMMENTS!

While you are welcome to keep taking the poll and posting your New Year's Resolutions here, this is the last call for submitting them in time to be included in the special Spotlight on Scarleteen: New Year's Resolutions blog entry tonight.

I'm in GMT right now and plan to post the blog tonight. In other words, you still have a couple hours so please post away! [Smile]

Here's the poll link again: Which of these is the best sexuality-based New Year's resolution for you?

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Love-Life
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There are a few I hope to do this year, but the big one is to be more assertive and speak up more for my sexual wants, needs or boundaries. Just recently this year I've found all kinds of new boundaries and things that I'm no longer comfortable with, which is really hard since I've been dating my boyfriend for 8 months and now I've got all of these different boundaries. I haven't been very clear about these new boundaries and it's just bad all around because I feel uncomfortable. Also, I want to be more assertive because I'm not by nature/socialization and I really believe it's a life skill that I should always focus on improving.

Another thing I want to work on is being very clear about my personal space boundaries. People like to hug me, and others I'm sure, and unless I'm close friends or family, I'd rather they not. So I want to be able to speak up and let people know that I don't want a hug.

[Smile]

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There is an upside to everything, sometimes you just have to turn it upside down to find it.

:-) Vikki (-:

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Ecofem
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Very nice words about boundaries over time in and in different situations, Vikki!

[Just a quick update! Some things have come up that I must attend to so I will be posting this blog entry later in the week. Therefore, there is more time for people to post their resolutions. Thanks, and have a happy new year! [Smile] ]

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grizzly_boy
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Yes, I just mean sexual activity. All I'm trying to say is that I don't yet feel ready for sex and don't want to be forced into it. I am getting into the age where some of my peers are sexually active, and it could happen that somebody tries to force me into having sex with them. There are TOO MANY things that can go wrong. There are just too many factors. It's not something that I'm ready for. My dad thinks that teens having sex is not always the best idea. Personally, if you're careful, I think it's okay. I'm just not ready yet and don't want to do it until I am.

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Grizzly

Wondering about my handle? I have hairy legs. Last year, my "friends" used "Grizzly" to tease me. now I just use it as nickname.

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Shea
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Ugh, I have so many resolutions. Feel better about myself, make friends, cure my depression by having said friends, and most of all, tell my girlfriend I'd like a little attention once and awhile. I sent her two presents for christmas, couldn't I at least get a 'merry christmas' in return?
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Ecofem
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Thanks for the explanation, Grizzly. [Smile]

Shea, I wish you the best of luck with your resolutions! It sounds like you're having a lot of hard feelings about your relationship right now. I know you've expressed difficulties in the past, so I'm sorry that they seem to be continuing or even getting worse. Have you expressed how you've felt to her? I'd like to keep this thread focused on general New Year's resolutions like you posted [Smile] but if you'd talk about this more, you're welcome to start a new thread in the Relationships section of the boards.

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May Day
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To be more assertive and speak up more for my sexual wants, needs or boundaries

My first partner really intimidated me into sex, and it's only been in the last 6 months i've started being vocal about how he treated me and started to heal. I don't want to be afraid of speaking up for myself any more.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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To embrace and accept my sexual orientation.

I feel like I accept myself and I do, somewhat, but I certainly could more. I am very comfortable with liking women much more than men, but at the same time if I see a woman that I find attractive I almost blurt it out, but then I stop myself. I haven't come out to my parents. I want to, to a certain degree, but it didn't go well the first time, so I ended up lying and telling them that I was straight.

Also: I really feel ready for a relationship, but I am not attracted to many males and I don't know of many non-straight females. (and I don't find those I know of attractive) It is hard to feel like this when all my peers are dating and my family is questioning me about boyfriends. I need to come to terms with the fact that in such a small town I won't date as many people as others, at least not in my adolescence, and there is nothing I can do to change that.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Jill2000Plus
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To improve my body image and ditch sexual shame

I've been struggling with always feeling like I'm doing something wrong by enjoying myself and I want to stop thinking and feeling that way, last night I was masturbating and I remember just feeling so right, so full of love and happiness and brilliant fantasies and pretty angry that my head is trying to convince me that my body isn't my own or that feeling good leads to doing or thinking bad things, I was looking at my body, my legs, my breasts, thinking how my body is just fine the way it is, that there's nothing wrong with being fat and that my body and my orgasms are sweet, wonderful, precious, joyous and that whether I want to be pregnant or not is my decision and not some matter of trivial inconvenience, I ended up crying because it was such a relief to treat myself with that kindness. And then I ate crisps (potato chips) and cuddled my teddy bear. I'm not really thinking of this as a new year's resolution, but I do want to do wonderful things and enjoy myself and embrace the body that is me and is mine, the euphoria between my legs and ears, and to learn and help others have ownership of and knowledge about their bodies and sexuality too. In order to do that I'm going to make sure I get my name on the list to take part in peer education workshops at my LGBT youth group and keep reading up so I can find out loads of useful information and gain greater understanding.

To go off on a slight tangent I want to thank this site once again, it does make a difference, it offers education and an acknowledgement and advocacy of teenagers' and childrens' rights where others would heap on fear and guilt and shame and punishment, and it's not just the volunteers, it's all the young people who come here and educate themselves and think about things then use that knowledge and awareness to support each other.

[ 01-03-2010, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: Jill2000Plus ]

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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bookwormfairy
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No, I have not seen that article but I just read it.I don't really have an idea of how to work on the resolution. I was 12 when I started using guys to feel better about myself, although I think that they were the ones using me at first. Now I am 16 and when I am not with a guy I feel depressed.

My current boyfriend is on vacation and I am feeling depressed, I am going to start a new thread about this in the relationship section.

[ 01-03-2010, 06:58 PM: Message edited by: bookwormhottie ]

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~Lillian

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Ecofem
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May Day: That sounds like an excellent goal! [Smile] It makes me think of some of my favorite In Your Own Words articles. What have you found that's helped the most in terms of feeling more able to talk about things?

moonlight: It's cool to read your resolution after having read your various posts about your coming out and coming to terms process! Those sound like really good reflection and I wish you the best of luck with that. [Smile]

Jill: It's always good to hear from you. [Smile] I hope you can keep having those positive feelings you described above and that you can take part in those workshops at your LGBT this year!

Liliamber: Thanks for checking out that article. I replied to your other thread here and would be glad to keep discussing the boyfriend challenges as well as possible steps you could take for your resolution there. [Smile]

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OK, I'll take a break from all the smileys but I'll say to please keep those resolutions coming! It's very cool to see that 724 people have voted in the poll and that more continue to do so. The Spotlight entry including all your resolutions will be going up sometime this week. [Smile] (Whoops, another smiley there... but there's really so much to be happy about here!)

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tidalwave
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I chose 'something else'

i don't feel i have a sexual identity, my disorder stops me from expresses myself in anyway. my new years resolution is not to let it get to me that i am not going to be this messed up forever and will some day be able to function like a normal person and interact with others in a positive way.


don't know if that makes sense?

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is that a light at the far end of the tunnel or just the train?

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Heather
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Hey, tidalwave, can I make a suggestion about how to word your resolution in a more empowering way?

because it's both okay to be different, okay to have a disability, and what's "normal" is tough to say since we're all so different.

So, how about "I am going to accept my disability and develop ways to manage it so that I can have relationships I enjoy?"

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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tidalwave
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thanks heather, i have written that down in my diary to remind me [Smile]

i am still coming to terms with how my AD has progressed, even though everyone is different i sometimes look at others and just feel helpless thinking i can't be like them in social situations. i am getting therapy which will improve this [Big Grin] (fingers crossed)

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is that a light at the far end of the tunnel or just the train?

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Ecofem
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LAST CALL (for real!) for posting sexuality-based New Year's Resolutions to be included in the Spotlight on Scarleteen: New Year's Resolutions blog entry, which will be posted this weekend. Thanks to everyone who has shared theirs already. [Smile]

Here's the poll: Which of these is your best sexuality-based New Year's Resolution?


[tidalwave: I'm glad to see your goal with the added positive spin!]

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Ecofem
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Hey bookwormfairy/Liliamber, Cian, grizzly_boy, Heather, Jill2000Plus, Joey/September, KMPatwardhan, May Day, moonlight bouncing off water, RB211, Shea, tidal wave, and Vikki/Love-Life!

You're famous! Well, perhaps not in a tabloid kind-of-way but you *are* featured in a Spotlight on Scarleteen blog entry! Thank you again for sharing your resolutions with us, and please do keep us posted on your progress. [Smile]

Here's the link: Spotlight on Scarleteen: New Years Resolutions

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Love-Life
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Hey Lena,

I just read the blog entry and wanted to say that I think it's really well done. :-)

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There is an upside to everything, sometimes you just have to turn it upside down to find it.

:-) Vikki (-:

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Ecofem
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Thanks, Vikki! There is so much text there so I kind of wish the quotes were earlier on BUT you know they say "save the best for last." [Wink]

I hope things are going well with your boyfriend and that those reckless huggers keep their distance! I'd agree that a welcomed hug can be such a comfort whereas an unwanted one is really cringeworthy, argh!

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