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Author Topic: Sexual draino on the pornstars or me?????
imogenasksyou
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Is it normal for guys to fantasize about other girls rather than their own girlfriend while masturbating? I know my boyfriend cares for and loves me but i have found porn in his room. Is it normal to feel slightly upset and disowned by this circumstance?
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wyntermidnite
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I think a lot of younger girls feel that way, that they're not good enough, or as sexy as the porn stars, but in my opinion it's just like any other form of entertainment, more glamorous, and seems bigger and better than real life. But it is only entertainment, just like blobkbuster movies are bigger than life and unrealistic, so is porn, as long as he understands that, everything should be fine.

Guys like visual stimuli, they like sex, they like to be entertained, so porn fills many of his needs.

Viewing porn occasionally is fine, and doesn't mean he doesn't think you're attractive or sexy or doesn't want to have sex with you.

Do you enjoy watching romantic comedies? Is it because you're unsatisfied with your romance? I like to equate it like that. I hope the answer is no, you just enjoy it for entertainment value, same with guys an porn. Sometimes we imagine we were in a movie romance with the romantic lead, and sometimes he imagines having sex with a porn star. But are you going to leave him in search of that actor? No. He's not going to leave you because of a little porn. He should understand that it is only entertainment.

He is with you because he likes you as a person. Have confidence in yourself that you are a person worth liking and being loyal to.

When done in moderation, like everything else in life, I think porn can be a normal part of a loving, and sexually satisfying relationship. If he starts trying to ask you to emulate the porn by changing your looks or trying something you're not comfortable with then there should be cause for concern. But you just found porn. Everything sounds fine.

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Irm
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If I could just add: enjoying pornography isn't an inherent "guy" thing, which is--intentionally or not--a little how you're coming across, wyntermidnite. Not all men are stimulated by pornography, and likewise, many women /are/. Just felt like that needed saying.

As far as having a partner who looks at porn... It's completely understandable to have less-than-happy feelings. Pornography is a complicated issue. Even though the product itself is essentially a fantasy, the actors are still real people. Would it be different if it was just an erotic novel? What about animated pornography? It can be sort of difficult to pick apart exactly what bothers us. But, if you're concerned that porn puts a thorn in your monogamy... well...

When we make a choice to be with one person, and one person only, we make a sort of contract with them. It's a little different for everyone. Some couples are OK with their partner flirting or checking other people out; some aren't. Some couples are OK with their partner just kissing other people; some aren't. Etc. However, no matter WHAT your contract is with your boyfriend, no one ever gets to tell someone else what they can or can't think. What a person fantasizes about while they're masturbating (or bored at work) is really their own private territory, and not one that can be negotiated.

Imagine if you had a boyfriend who said you weren't even allowed to think about other boys. You would probably call him controlling.

That said, wyntermidnite brings up a very good point--that it DOES become an issue if porn starts to effect how your boyfriend wants the relationship to run. If he starts pressuring you to emulate things he's seen in porn, THAT would be a totally valid time to sit down and talk about how his porn viewing is affecting your relationship.

Outside of that, it's okay to tell him your concerns, but I would try to stay away from making him feel guilty or pressured about what he fantasizes about on his own time. What goes on inside the privacy of our heads should always, always be the ultimate safe space.

So in short, it's okay for you to feel upset about this, but it's also okay for your boyfriend to look at porn, so try to make sure that BOTH your feelings get respected if you're going to talk about this.

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NonStraightAnswers
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I just want to add that just as people have the choice what to fantasize about in their own heads so long as it doesn't affect their time with a partner, every also should have the choice to say that they're bothered by people, especially in a monogamous relationship, looking at pornography and don't want to date someone who does so. The reason for being bothered could be tied in with insecurity issues or because of moral issues (with commodification of sexuality, poor treatment given to many sex workers, etc.) or just because - everyone should be allowed to have non-negotiables in who s/he'll consider as a partner.

[ 08-06-2009, 01:26 AM: Message edited by: NonStraightAnswers ]

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JamsessionVT
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quote:
Originally posted by wyntermidnite:


Guys like visual stimuli, they like sex, they like to be entertained, so porn fills many of his needs.

I just want to make sure we're being careful about the generalizations here. Any one of these, or ALL of them, could be not true for any given individual. It's pretty baseless to say that porn fills "many of mens needs" when plenty of people in GENERAL have those needs, including women. Not to mention, plenty of women watch porn too. Plenty of women like visual stimuli, sex and being entertained. Does that mean that porn fills many women's needs? No.

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Abbie
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Jill2000Plus
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I agree with NonStraightAnswers and JamsessionVT except in that I don't think you can just say whatever you want about who you'll date without being called out if it's an unreasonable thing to expect, for instance, I don't consider asking that a partner not masturbate to be acceptable (porn use is a separate issue, I agree that not wanting partners to use porn is an acceptable requirement to have), you don't have to date anyone, but if your reason for not wanting to date someone is a load of nonsense then anyone is free to call you out on it. I would also think it unfair to ask that a partner not dance or that they end a friendship because you think their friend's hairstyle is unattractive, there are all sorts of things that it's not OK to expect from partners or friends and just because you don't have to date anyone you don't want to doesn't mean that if your reason is prejudiced or otherwise nonsensical no-one can say anything about it.

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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music2myears612
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I think it could sort of be hard at first if you found something like that, I havent went through that but knowing that your boyfriend watches porn which shows naked girls and masterbates to other girls could be difficult. Sure its just fantasy and of course he still loves you, but on the other hand hes also looking at other girls which might make some people think their not good enough or their guy isnt interested anymore. I dont really like the whole porn thing even if it is just a fantasy thing and things that guys watch all the time because I do think the porn people demean themselvs and if the guy is with someone it sort of seems like a betrayal thing like he isnt pleasured enough, but guys like that sort of thing I guess he LOVES you
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Heather
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quote:
it sort of seems like a betrayal thing like he isnt pleasured enough,
One thing I'd suggest when you're thinking like that is recognizing that partnered sex is about a LOT more than meeting someone's needs for pleasure. In other words, it's not about servicing someone else, if you follow me. It's about sharing something, something which exists even when it isn't about you or you're not around.

NO one person is going to be able to meet the needs of another in this regard, because we all have our OWN sexuality, separate from partners. As well, while it happens now and then, it's pretty rare for any two people to share exactly the same sexual interests and desires.

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Jill2000Plus
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Indeed, sexuality is not something that is awakened by someone else, partnered sex is when you share your sexuality with someone else, not when they reinforce their ownership of your sexuality. I remember thinking that a partner would satisfy all my sexual needs with their magic penis when I was 9, it was a belief that made what could have been happy years of self exploration into misery. I would never expect someone else to meet my sexual needs, and they couldn't because the most important part of my sexuality is masturbation, it's my body and I am liberated in my embrace of it (and I do not use pornography).

[ 08-10-2009, 04:55 PM: Message edited by: Jill2000Plus ]

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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fharan
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When we make a choice to be with one person, and one person only, we make a sort of contract with them. It's a little different for everyone. Some couples are OK with their partner flirting or checking other people out; some aren't. Some couples are OK with their partner just kissing other people; some aren't. Etc. However, no matter WHAT your contract is with your boyfriend, no one ever gets to tell someone else what they can or can't think. What a person fantasizes about while they're masturbating (or bored at work) is really their own private territory, and not one that can be negotiated.

Imagine if you had a boyfriend who said you weren't even allowed to think about other boys. You would probably call him controlling.

That said, wyntermidnite brings up a very good point--that it DOES become an issue if porn starts to effect how your boyfriend wants the relationship to run. If he starts pressuring you to emulate things he's seen in porn, THAT would be a totally valid time to sit down and talk about how his porn viewing is affecting your relationship.

Link removed.

[ 08-12-2009, 12:46 PM: Message edited by: KittenGoddess ]

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goodmagpie
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I think if it is something that really is making you feel upset, then it might be worth chatting to him about it.

I asked my boyfriend if he ever thought about me while masturabting (out of curiousity more than anything) and he said that he felt as if that would be making me an object for his pleasure, rather than the person that he is in a relationship with (well, words to that effect [Smile] ), which, like has been mentioned, I think relates to the whole partnered sex is different to masterbation thing. That was totally not an answer that I was expecting, and though that may be totally different to what's going on in your boyfriend's head, if it's bothering you, it might be worth asking him about it.

Relationships are often about more than sexual pleasure and, in your situation, that definately seems the case. Just because your boyfriend is using porn, that doesn't mean he wishes you were like the people in porn films/ mags or that he doesn't find you attractive.

And in direct answer to your questions: I don't have a helpful graph or pie chart here to illustrate it, but from my experiences chatting to friends a) a lot of guys I know use porn or fantasise about people that are not their partner(s) and b) a lot of girls I know would be a little uneasy with the idea that their significant other was using porn, so, yeah I'd think that's make it 'normal'. Though I would be cautious of using the word 'normal', as it implies someone, somewhere is 'abnormal' for not minding their partner is using porn.

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Heather
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It might also be helpful to think about the fact that we know, from decades of the study of sexuality, that most people sexually fantasize about any number of different people or sexual scenarios, when they are in and outside of relationships (and that's both during masturbation AND sometimes during partnered sex, too). Most people also find more than one person attractive, even if they only choose at any given time to be sexual with one partner.

We can know that, but in some ways, porn can kind of make whatever denials people have in their heads about that difficult. We can't see the images in people's heads, after all, or even know what they are unless they share them with us. But seeing someone's porn changes that: all of a sudden, that knowledge is very tangible.

Know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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imogenasksyou
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Thankyou all for answering [Smile]
since ive posted this me and my boyfriend have discussed the issue in more depth and i understand it a bit better.

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