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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Mild Masochism?

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Author Topic: Mild Masochism?
Bragorien
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Is this bad?
I get really turned on by mild pain. If I am feeling "in the mood" as it were, my boyfriend doesn't have to so much as breathe near me and I am totally turned on.
I have a bit of a thing for hickeys: I really like the way they feel and I am worried taht I may have a problem. I ask my boyfriend to scratch me when we are kissing and i find it really on-turning.
Do I havew a problem here?
He is scared to hurt me, but we have discovered we both have similar feelings. We like the strange pain but pleasure.
I suppose at least we share our fetish... [Razz]
Help? Opinions?

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"I made a resolution: Dance, like nobody's watching. Which I do... with the curtains closed - in case anybody's watching!"

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Heather
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The tricky thing about this -- any question like this -- is navigating where it is exactly that pleasure ends and pain begins or vice-versa. In other words, the line between them tends to be murky and often bleed over, and additionally, people tend to have sensory thresholds that vary widely.

Here's the big question: is your boyfriend meaning to do you harm? Doesn't sound like it. Is this something you're negotiating? Are you leaving room for him to opt out if he doesn't want to do any of this, and is there room for you to nix any of this at any given time? If so, and you both feel good about it, it feels good, and you're also being smart about safety issues when they're pertinent, then I think the only questions you're left with about if it's "bad" or not are about your own unique set of ethics and values.

Know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bragorien
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We both really don't want to hurt one another, and I know he worries, as I do. He assures me that I'm not crazy/bad. And I guess if we both feel the same way we are at least crazy/bad together. [Razz]
I'll talk a little more with him about it. I totally see where you're coming from. Neither of us want to hurt each other, but we also want each other to enjoy things. It's a complicated situation.
Thanks [Smile]
[Big Grin]

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"I made a resolution: Dance, like nobody's watching. Which I do... with the curtains closed - in case anybody's watching!"

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Idir
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I think I'm a masochist by that definition, too.

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I know there is an over the rainbow for me.

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Heather
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I think "masochism" is a really tricky word, actually, and one that isn't always apt for a lot of people when it comes to sex.

I'm actually not hearing the OP describe masochism as I understand it, for instance, because the standard definition tends to be sexual pleasure obtained from receiving punishment, humiliation, or pain. I certainly don't hear any elements of the first two, and pain, again, is a tough thing to separate from pleasure since it's not an easy universal per which is which, and the edges, as I said, do tend to bleed into one another.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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NotProudToBeUnsure
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I am also a masochist, but I must admit, it is more than mild pain. Moderate pain is less of a turn-on, but still a turn-on. The pain line is when I have lost chunks of flesh or there is permanent damage, that's where it gets bad, the rest is pleasure. I guess that makes me a picky masochist. You sound normal to me. [Smile]

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Idir
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Well, but partners can still set their own limits (safewords, anyone?) so that masochism doens't get too dangerous...
Right?

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I know there is an over the rainbow for me.

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Karybu
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Yep, absolutely. A safe word is always a good idea, along with a lot of communication in and out of the bedroom so that both partners know they're on the same page.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Bragorien
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What do you mean a safeword? Like a word to say when things go too far or far enough?

LIke my friend says "Dingleberries" if I am going too far in teasingher or with an inside joke...

Thanks for the replied by the way.

I am beginning to think that there is a little bit of masochism in everyone, and just some people more than otehrs. And I s'pose some people deny it totally and others just accept, yes, I am masochistic. [Razz]

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"I made a resolution: Dance, like nobody's watching. Which I do... with the curtains closed - in case anybody's watching!"

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goodmagpie
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Yeah, that's a safeword. I think it's probably a case of talk it over with each other, and if you're OK with the fact mild pain turns you on and so is he, and you've got limits and stuff, then it seems to be fine; you seem reasonably at ease with the whole thing, as far as I can tell.
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Onionpie
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I think that assumption that there's a "little bit of masochism in everyone" isn't a safe one to make, and it's quite a generalization. Because what, three other people have expressed that they're also at least a bit masochistic, this means everyone is? That's like saying "I know three people who like asparagus! This probably means that everyone likes asparagus at least a little bit, even if they deny it." And let me tell you, I hate asparagus.

For example, I'm not a masochist. Not even a little bit. I don't feel that masochists are terrible people and that it's bad, so it's not that I'm in denial -- if I were one, I'd admit it. I'm honest to myself and to others about myself, I think denying a part of who you are isn't a good thing to do. But I'm not a masochist, even a teeny bit. I don't find pain/humiliation/any of the definitions arousing at all, in fact I find it to be a bit of a turn-off, myself. So no, not everyone is even at least a little bit masochistic.

Just something for you to keep in mind [Smile]

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