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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Tell my parents or not??

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Author Topic: Tell my parents or not??
Member # 41845

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I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend of almost two years. My parents have known the whole time that we've been in a relationship, and my mom knows we've had oral sex because I told her that so she'd agree to take me to the gyno and get me on the Pill (this was before we had sex). I've been having sex with him for about 8 months, but only at his house. I think my parents might assume we are because they know I'm on the Pill and that we love each other. But I am their first-born and even though they didn't, they wanted me to wait until marriage. I didn't, and don't regret it, but I have this feeling that if I tell them we've been having sex they will a) be disappointed/upset and b) make up excuses so I see him less, and they will try to prevent us from having any opportunity to have sex.

I'm pretty comfortable with my gyno and I asked him before we had sex whether he thought I should tell my parents, and he said it was totally up to me, and none of his daughters had told him in High School.

Part of me wants to tell them because it's been a big part of my life and growing up and stuff, but I keep worrying about their reaction and if they will limit the time I get to spend with my bf.

Should I tell them?

Posts: 34 | From: Illinois | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 17924

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We always will support being honest with your parents in situations like this, especially if there is already a good relationship with your parents.

So, unless you are in physical or emotional danger from telling them, I'd support sharing this with them.

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Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 41845

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First off I completely understand why telling your parents should be a good thing if they are understanding people. I'd say I have an okay relationship with my parents. My dad is more laid back and doesn't say much, but he'd probably be upset that I'm still in high school and lost my virginity, even though I've been with my bf a very long time and love him. My mom I would be worried about telling... she likes my boyfriend a lot but she is a very controlling person at times. Very "my way or the highway" and not understanding at times if my values differ from hers on religion, sex, etc. She will make up the stupidest excuses for me not to see him just because I forgot to put my breakfast dishes in the dishwasher that morning or something trivial like that. I feel like if I told her she might on the surface not act that upset but she might go even more out of her way to prevent me from seeing my bf because she would want to limit the opportunities we would have to be intimate (even though I think that would be pointless because if we really want to, she can't realistically prevent it.)
Posts: 34 | From: Illinois | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 41968

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Well , I have the same problem .
The only difference is that my parents are not understanding people .
Both of them know i have a bf , and i believe my mum has already cometo realise that i d realy love him .
We've been going out for a year , and we've been having sex for about three months. i realy need to tell her to go to the gyno guy , but im so affraid of her reaction . Im sure shi do e will find a way to make me stop seeing my bf. i do think she already knows , but is in denial , like his parents . She's asked me if i was pregnant once . .

I realy want to share this with her , because i want us to be closer than we are . ( we are VERY distant , my sister lives in another city and my dad is always out to work )
Still i dont want to tell hear because i fear her reaction will injure my relationship . ( i do know no one can come in between me and my bf , but still , there's that fear )

What should i do ?

xoxoxo Olgy

Posts: 5 | From: Portugal | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 42023

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same goes for me, my parents SAY they know i won't get pregnant because i'm smart enough not to. However, i'm sure they worry and therefore i haven't started having sex yet because of the following...

1) whether i should tell them
2) if i do, then how will i see the gyno
3) mom said i don't need to see a gyno yet
4) or even to see my regular family doctor to ask for birth control because i'm not risking, either condom + birth control or no sex.

i don't know what to do, i'm scared to tell them should i start. scared to dissappoint them too. They want me to save till marriage... though as much as it is somewhat important...i don't htink i'll be able to...

at the end of the day, i'm on the same boat -sighs-

and jen551, my parents are "my way or the highway" even if they don't say it which is even worse [Frown] cuz they give this horrible stare and treats me like bleh xP

Posts: 13 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
Member # 37530

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Well, I'm for being honest with your parents; however, that just makes me a hypocrite...

Monday my ex and I ended our relationship of a year and a half. He was my first boyfriend, and I think we truly did love each other (at some point anyway). But we had been having sex for about five months, and even after we broke up, because I knew if I told my mom she would tell his, I couldn't tell her, even after she asked. I couldn't risk his mom never trusting him again, nor the tears, anger, or anything else that might explode from my mom's emotions- my mom wanted me to wait, too, not for marriage but at least until I was engaged. So, talk to your boyfriend about it. Ultimately it's up to you, but he might give you some sort of help in a way. Just be sure to tell him the positives and negatives of telling her first..

*I'll probably tell my mom at the end of my senior year of high school (sophomore now)/start of college, that way my ex will be in college and parents won't control all of his life and I'll be 18 and (almost) out of the house. Or maybe just forget about it until my wedding day, and then tell her "Mom, remember that guy I dated my freshman and sophomore year?..." Maybe we'll be able to both laugh at it then.

[ 02-13-2009, 07:18 AM: Message edited by: Typical Young and Dumb Teenager? ]

Young and Dumb.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban

Posts: 243 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 37929

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hey, well my parents know im having sex i think, i haven't actually told them, but whenever i stay at my boyfriends house (VERY RARE OCCASION [Frown] ) my mum tells me not to get pregnant as a joke.
I went to the doctor on my own for the pill.
my mum knows im on it because she's seen my pills in my room.
the only thing is i feel like she doesnt trust me because my sister got pregnant at an early ages (15) which is the age i am now.
I try not to feel like the dont trust me but its hard.
i guess, if it makes you feel more comfortable then tell your parents, but some people just don't like their parents knowing.

Posts: 116 | From: England | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 40765

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I think I understand where you're coming from, Jen. I think it's great that your parents were accepting enough that you could tell them you were having oral sex and were willing to help you get contraceptive protection. And I think it is safe to assume that they probably already think that you're having sex. But really, why should oral be any different that intercourse? They're both types of sex. So if they're comfortable with you having oral sex, you might be surprised at their reaction to you having intercourse (in a positive way)

I'd also like to add that it's entirely possible that they DON'T want to know about you having sex. They already know you're on birth control, so they know you're being safe. In some ways, they might not want the stark 'I'm having sex' statement because then, they can still think of you as their 'little girl.' I joke around with my boyfriend a lot about him telling his parents about us having sex, because we think his mother's reaction would be a loud 'I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW THAT!' (she's that way about a lot of things [Wink] ) But really, it's true. His parents know we spend a lot of time locked away together, he's spent the night at my place, his older sister got pregnant in her teens so they KNOW teenagers have sex, and they haven't brought our sexual relationship up. So, we just assume they'd rather not have that actual knowledge, even if they know it deep down.

That being said, of course you should tell them if something (like pregnancy or an STI) comes up! They'll get over any awkwardness soon enough.

[ 02-13-2009, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: rosalinespork ]

Posts: 222 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 37835

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I think things definitely change as you get older as well. My parents definitely had a "we don't want to know" and "you're on the pill anyways [for cramps], so you're not getting pregnant and therefore it doesn't matter" attitude when I was still living at home. In retrospect, I think my parents are much more against me getting pregnant than they are against me having sex, and I think that's a pretty common attitude among parents. I got a stern "don't get pregnant" talking to when I went off the pill this year, and that was only unpleasant because my older brother walked in on that conversation. He's always been much more against me having sex than my parents--I actually once heard him fighting with them about it when I was 16 and preparing to go visit my then boyfriend who was away working for the summer. That dynamic has always been a bit weird.

All of that said, I completely understand why many people want to tell their parents. I think it's great for teens to be able to talk openly with adults about these things. I benefited greatly from being able to talk with my aunts (some of whom are a lot younger than my parents, but still 18 years older than me). Also, the fact that my aunts (both my mom and dad's sisters) were really wild as teens kinda helped me out. Nothing I did could ever be as bad as the stuff they pulled as teens.

I think, what I most want to say is that things will almost definitely get easier as you get older. Often, parents really are reasonable enough to think back on how they were at the same age and realize what's likely going on. They just might not want to talk about it.

Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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