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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Girlfriend Completely Obsessed with her weight

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Author Topic: Girlfriend Completely Obsessed with her weight
ArridDry
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So, in a nutshell, this is what has happened. I go out with this great fun loving girl for 8 months and everything is awesome. Then I need to go to college. We are staying together, but for some reason she has been absolutely obsessed with her weight. She is 5'3" and 120 pounds. She looks thinner, but even so is not remotely fat.

Lets fastforward to today (and the past month or two). Weighs herself about 5 times a day if not more. Has joined communities on various websites especially for people with eating disorders. On these websites they discuss ways to lose weight along with posting pictures of how skinny they all are. She refuses to go on a normal diet and instead wants to fast on and off. The days that she plans on eating she refuses to eat more than 500 calories. When she eats, she calculates over and over again the calories that shes had for the day. She is now very depressed and will admit it herself. One, because I am gone and two because of her weight. She is "stuck" at 120 apparently. She is very impatient because she "doesn't want to be a cow anymore". I try so hard to say and do everything I can for her, convincing her that she is thin and doesnt need to lose 25 pounds to get to 95 total. Its come to the point where she sometimes gets mad at me for saying shes beautiful because she thinks its a lie.

I do not know what to do. Ive offered diets, support, mounds of advice, money for a doctor/nutritionist and nothing will work. Everytime she eats something she says she feels fat and wants to throw up (she does throw up every now and then). To me, this is all in her head because she clearly isn't overweight.

I am trying to support her, but day after day, hour and hour of hearing her complain about her weight is getting to me. Ive told her all of this and I dont know what else to do. Please please please help me here. Her weight would not reflect it (yet) but I think she is starting to develop and eating disorder if she hasnt already.

EDIT: Also, it doesn't help that I, myself, am thin by nature. I was born almost a month early and have been a very thin person my whole life. I am 5'11" and weigh 120 pounds. She calls me her "thinspiration".

[ 07-26-2006, 05:14 PM: Message edited by: ArridDry ]

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Airem
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man i had the same problem with my gf, she started dropping hints to me that she had an eating disorder. I knew right off she was not self confident because everytime i would tell her she was beautiful she would frown and say no i'm not. She then finally admitted that she was tired all the time and getting sick whenever she ate my first though was anorexia, but then after i told her i was willing to pay her doctor visit to see if she had a stomach ulcer or something she told me she was making herself throw up. I was shocked and sad because just like yuor gf mine wasn't fat at all. Eventually after enough telling her she wasn't fat and talking it over with her she brought herself back to normal. Right now my advice to you would be to reach out and get advice from local places that deal with that kind of probem. Coming here was a great start and my point in posting this is to let you know your not alone and it can be treated. your gf sounds very far into it though. So she knows she has an eating disorder or does she deny that much? It's good that she told you she has thrown up before because right now you need everything out in the open. Also, not to pry answer only if you know or are willing, but has she had any sexual abuse or traumatic sexual events in her past? this can sometimes link to bulimia for some reason. Any way i know i probably didn't give you the answers your looking for in this reply but just know your not alone and yall can get through this.

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-Lauren-
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As Miz Scarlet suggested in your previous topic, have you talked to your girlfriend's dad about this?

This is obviously beyond anything you can do. Your girlfriend DOES have huge eating disorder warning signs and some troublesome psychological issues. You are her partner, not a psychiatrist or therapist.

You say you've provided money for her to visit professionals. Has she gone? Have you gone with her? Would her parent(s) be willing to help her get professional help?

Don't put this off any longer. From your posts, she's been doing this for months, and it is only going to get worse. She can do serious harm to her body and mind if she doesn't get the help she needs, and now.

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ArridDry
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Airem, thank you for the support. She will not admit that she has an eating disorder and states that she will be just fine. I think she feels like she has it under control. To her, the problem is her huge size and horribly overweight body. She is not too keen on attending a doctor/nutritionist visit. She said she may attend one, btu she wont follow any advice. To her, 1200 calories is way too much to eat in one day.

Miss Lauren, thank you for doing your research. I have had this problem for a while. Telling her dad and/or mother would unfortunately be a horrible thing to do. Her father is extremely strict and would ground her from seeing me, take away all outside access including computers, phones, etc and she would be in deep trouble, thus making her even more depressed and self-aware. Her mother was a model when she was younger and thus has problems of her own regarding food and her weight. Her mom tells her that she would be more appealing to people if she lost weight. They are both people I would not trust to handle this situation in a mature manner. I know I am not her doctor, but I am her boyfriend and best friend. I feel like it is up to me to help her because I am the closest person to her that is aware of these events.

[ 07-26-2006, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: ArridDry ]

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VapoRub
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I understand where your girlfriend is coming from. I have had the same problem (weight obsession) and it is very stressful. Its not uncommon for people with an ED (or a developing ED) to see an average calorie intake as being almost "frightening". The idea of 800 calories is startling to me and this is very unhealthy. Many people with EDs understand how dangerous it is or even how ridiculous it to those looking in..but at the same time they don't. If you can grasp that. I have been trying for recovery very recently- my boyfriend is main support. With out his support, whether or not he understands 100%, I'd be completely lost. If you are old enough to get her to and from these professionals, it would probably mean a lot to her if you went with her to these sessions. I know that I am seeking therapy and having my boyfriend be so involved that he drove me there and waited through my appointment would be well, the best.

Please take action as soon as you can. Eating disorders only get worse with time.
I wish the best of luck to you and your girlfriend.
I wish that I could help more.

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Master_Of_Puppets
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Your girlfriend appears to be developing a possibly very risky disorder. Kudos to you for not sitting around to watch it all unfold.

Her parents may not be wise choices in people for you to confide in, I agree, but perhaps a school guidance counsellor or one of her teachers could be of some assistance? If you explain that her parents might 'flip-out' if you approached them and that you're worried about her eating habits I'm sure guidance would offer you some solutions.

You may also want to have a word with one of her friends. See if they're concerned as well. If two close friends approach her to have a serious talk you may convey your message more effectively without seeming intimidating.

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nirvana7
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As a past-bulimic myself, I cannot say how important it is to have caring people surrounding you when you are going through something like this. As difficult as it may be to handle, constantly reassuring her that she's beautiful is important, but also be sure to compliment her on things that are not physical. If she feels proud of something in her life, the eating disorder may be able to become less of a control-technique and start to die down. That was how my parents got to me. They knew that I was a great student and talented musician, so they encouraged me to pursue those things. Tough love may also have to come into play, also (from her parents, not so much you). When my parents finallly sat me down and made me realize that everything I loved was going to slip away if I didn't stop what I was doing, it was the right mix of reality and shock to help get me back on track. Your girlfriend will probably still have thoughts of slipping back into her eating disorder even when she does overcome it, so support is so crucial in the healing process.
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ArridDry
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So, Its almost 2 months later and I am still having issues with her and her eating. Her parents have caught on but are doing very little to help. Since she started, shes lost 21% of her body weight. She weighs 107 right now and she is 5'3". This is getting really hard on our relationship. She is moody and confused. She has NO desire to be sexual in the LEAST. Like not even kissing a lot. Im not a stereotypical guy and want sex all the time. But in a loving relationship, affection and attention is normal. And im not getting that. can someone please tell me some ideas on what to do and how I can help this? Her parents have started to take her to doctors, get blood tests done, etc.

She has been telling me that she isnt psysically attracted to me anymore. She said she loves me to death and I mean the world to her, but being intimate and stuff isnt appealing to her.

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logic_grrl
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A starvation diet like the one she's on can easily kill off sexual desire.

Basically, her body thinks it's starving to death, so non-essential things like sex will tend to be put on hold.

In addition, eating disorders usually involve problems with body image, and that can have a psychological effect on sexual desire - if you hate your body, you're unlikely to be comfortable with its desires.

Her parents have started to take her to doctors, get blood tests done, etc.

Are her parents aware that she's starving herself, or are they imagining that there might be a physical illness causing the weight loss?

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"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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ArridDry
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She has started lying to me about what she is doing. She told me that she will start eating to save our relationship and I caught her lying. She accidentally sent a message to me that was supposed to be for her friend saying "So basically I plan on lying to him". She was throwing up and not telling me.
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LilBlueSmurf
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This is all part of the disease ... It sucks, and it hurts, but you have to understand that she is not doing this to hurt you or anyone else. Her priority right now (due to the disease) is losing weight. You (or anyone) trying to help her is in the way of her losing weight and she'll do whatever she has to to get around that.

Have you talked to her parents about your concerns? Have you told them that she is starving herself? It is obvious now that she cannot help herself out of this ... She needs professional help. If her parents are not receptive to your concerns, i would talk to someone at your school (teacher, guidance counselor, principal, etc) who can get her help.

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ArridDry
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We no longer go to the same school. I live 4 hours away. And not only does she not want sex or anything like that when I come home, she doesnt even think kissing or making out is appealing anymore. I cant help but think it IS me even though she tells me she loves me more than anything. She just...neglects me sometimes. Im coming home for the first time in weeks this friday and she decided to go out to a dance with some "friends" (I say "friends because they arent really friends.)

She isnt too keen on seeing a professional.

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LilBlueSmurf
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I wasn't too keen on seeing a professional when i was battling severe depression/suicide ideation either ... But my mom dragged me kicking and screaming and i survived.

You need to go to her parents. I think your school would be able to do something for you/her as well, if you talked to them. Maybe one school could talk to the other school and they could sort it out; i don't know.

This is way bigger than whether or not she wants to make out anymore. Your girlfriend is literally risking her life here. The body needs fuel to survive, or it starts to feed on itself.

Maybe she'll be mad at you ... Maybe she'll break up with you ... Are you willing to risk that to get her the help she needs? I hope so.

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ArridDry
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I am. Ive already told her that I'm not afriad of her getting mad at me or hating me for it. But I told her I love her to much to just watch her disintegrate in front of me.

We set up a plan that will help her gradually get better. She is limiting her visitation to pro-ED websites and she is trying to stop throwing up. Shes planned an actual diet of eating 3 meals a day instead of bingeing and purging. I told her that itll take time and I dont expect this to get better overnight. I hope this works out.

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wobblyheadedjane
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Arrid, if she's already admitted she plans on lying to you, then it's hard to believe that she'll follow through on her promises here. The problem with EDs is that the focus is so much on food (for them, avoiding/purging, and for the people that are trying to help them, to get them to eat properly) that there comes a point in time where family and friends support just isn't enough to get them through it. It's like how even positive comments on an ED sufferer's body brings them to a negative space; even when you intend well, things don't always work that way.

She needs a professional, truly. As much as you love her, and as much as support from someone who loves her is good, it isn't enough. Indeed, sometimes someone pushing SO hard to help you can make you want to push that person away. This isn't something you're trained to deal with, and you said you're not worried if she gets mad with you for getting her professional help, so why not go there?

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ArridDry
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Its been considered very seriously, jane. And on a side note, I did not propose the plan to start eating. She did. I dont think she would propose a plan and spend time thinking it out if she didnt plan on following it. Unless she really wanted to throw me off. But I really dont think she'd do that. And plus, she was only talking about the one incident when she was talking about lying to me.

Its all very very hard to deal with. Professional help would be the best. I agree. I am going to see if this plan pulls her out of the gutter. If it doesnt and she gets worse, I'll turn to a professional.

But right now, as far as our relationship goes, shes questioning it all. She doesnt know if her love is fading or not. Its something that we need to work out after she is healthy again. Right now, her health is my (and should be her) main concern.

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nirvana7
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Like LilBlueSmurf mentioned earlier about her own personal experience, her parents are going to have to take an aggressive role in this situaion.

Bulimia is a mental disease, a desire for control. It will take total control of your brain, and the only thing you focus on are calories and food...the things which you can control. That's why other things get pushed to the side (relationships, especially) because they are not as easily controlled.

And of course, it's a huge mental/self image thing. Bulimia can warp the mind of the most beautiful girl into thinking she's ugly and fat, when nothing could be farther from the truth. A bulimic's only self confidence is the success they feel from starving and purging themselves. The self-esteem in the physical department is not there whatsoever, so physical attration and the showing of affection are definately not something girls suffering from this are interested in.

And like someone mentioned earlier, she's starving her body to it's limits. Food is the base on the hierarchy of needs, and when it's not met, the needs above it are not even in the body's list of concerns.

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Heather
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Flatly, I don't think you have time to see if this works.

I also think that with someone in this state, a sexual/romantic relationship is likely too much to handle, period.

So, I'd suggest simply letting that part go for right now. I know it's not easy from your vantage point, but you are presently with someone who is physically and well as mentally in severe crisis. It is difficult at best to have a helathy sex/romantic life in that space.

Arrid, I'd say don't mess around with this current "plan." (It should be noted, btw, that this plan sounds like just another manifestation of food/control obesession, and thus, still part of the problem.) If you want to help your partner, GET HER PROFESSIONAL HELP. Everyone has put that off since you started posting about this in hopes things would get better, and that would not be needed, but I hope you can see now what you could not then, which is that it is NOT getting better. It is not likely to GET better.

How much worse will it have to get before someone just hospitalizes her? Does she have to faint? Have a heart attack? What?

You can just drive her to the hospital. You may have to call the hospital in advance so they're prepared, and you may have to lie to her to get here there, but in doing that, you may save her life and health.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ArridDry
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Im out of the picture. She got really drunk Saturday night and cheated on me. She broke up with me the next morning saying she just fell out of love. I still feel like shes going through a lot and wouldnt be surprised if she feels really bad about it and possible regrets it all. Sunday night she told me the following: "I just wanted to tell you that i am so sorry, I know you never plan on talking to me again... I just wanted to tell you that you are an amazing guy and that you deserve the best in the world. I am so sorry that i did what i did, and I hope you realize it was not your fault... at all."

Im so depressed. I'm so lost as to what to do. Keep helping her with her eating? Get her help? Let her go? What if this is all her disorder talking? Do I move on?

=\

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Heather
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Were it me, I'd do my best to still try and help, but from a distance. However, you'll likely want to wait a few weeks, both so you can process the breakup, decide if you want to, and if you do, not have it look like a retaliation.

I'm so sorry, Arrid. [Frown] Dating deeply troubled people unfortunately rarely ends well, and it's always doubly tough with a breakup when you tried so hard to help them.

[ 09-18-2006, 09:42 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ArridDry
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Is it wrong that I still want to be with her? Its weird. She wants friends more than anything. She wants people to care about her and be there for her. Yet, she got rid of the one person who cared the most. Her deal was, she had no desire to kiss me, be affectionate with me, but the first night she went out to a party, she kissed another guy. It, apparently, "just happened". She wasn't expecting it. And she was drunk. This is all info my friend has told me (Also good friends with her). At any rate, I really really want to talk to her. I want her to tell me she misses me and hates not being with me. But I still haven't said a word to her since she did it 3 days ago. I want to give her time to miss me. I want her to realize that having me gone isn't what she wants. But I want to talk to her so bad. About her weight, about her life, about us.

She is going out with all kinds of new people right now. I want to let her know that she can go out and have friends AND go out with me. She doesn't need to choose one or the other. In fact, it would be ideal for her to have other friends. I hope she doesn't think that since shes having fun with these new friends, she shouldn't be with me.

I'm still confused and sad.

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Heather
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Again, Arrid, I'm so sorry.

However, what I hear your grilfriend possibly trying to have told you is that her feelings are changing, and perhaps she just isn't feeling the romantic/sexual attraction when it comes to you anymore.

That's not atypical: over time, in relationships, our feelings do tend to change sometimes. Friendships turn romantic, romances turn platonic. It's hard when both people don't feel those same changes, but it's common for them to happen to one or both people.

So, I'd suggest you take some more time for yourself. This was a breakup: you need to process it as a breakup, rather than waiting for it not to have happened or for her feelings to change.

if after a while, you feel like you still want to be part of her life as a friend, and she's interested in that, by all means, puruse that. But it sounds clear that that isn't something you're ready for just yet, and you need time to grieve.

One last thing?

quote:
I want her to tell me she misses me and hates not being with me.
I know you're hurting, and I understand that, but it's not your place to tell someone else how they feel. SHE is the one who knows how she feels, not you. You know how YOU feel, which includes wanting her to feel that way. And you know, even if she DOES feel that way, she still may not want to be with you anymore in this way.

Again, hang in there. Can you spend time with any of your friends right now to get some comfort and support?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ArridDry
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Yes, I am spending a lot more time with friends. Unfortunately, all of my close friends now live farther away. I moved recently. But Ive had 3 main friends calling me everyday to get the latest update and make sure im hanging in there.

She also called me earlier today. I was contemplating not answering. I didn't know what I was going to say and I feel like I needed more time. But I answered anyway, figuring I do not want her to get the wrong idea. I still care about her.

She mainly wanted to find out how I was doing. She realizes that she left me on a horrible foot and wanted to say sorry and that she never meant for it all to happen. She wishes she never did that. She is still making it clear to me that she is not interested in any relationship (with me or any other guy). In fact, she said she doesn't even want to talk to the guy she was with on Saturday night. She feels bitter about it all.

All in all, we agreed that we both still need to time to let this sink in. We are 4 hours apart and that's a big deal. The million dollar question to me was "Do you feel like we broke up because I moved or because you fell out of love". and she responded with "I feel like you moving has made me think twice. It has changed my feelings for you. I do think that if you still lived here, I would still be just as in love with you as I always was." So to me, it sounds like this stemmed from me being gone. Regardless, we are still separated and keeping a distance from each other. She also noted that she lovese me, im her best friend, the person shes most closest to in life, and still wants to have some sort of relationship with me.

Once again, I guess time will tell. Just thought I'd update you all on the situation.

By the way, in April, she will be coming to the same college as me. We will most likely be living next door to each other. She has said that, right now, she hopes to rekindle what we once had. I told her that I will make no promises. She shouldn't either. I told her that we should just deal with our situation now and worry about later, later.

[ 09-19-2006, 07:39 PM: Message edited by: ArridDry ]

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ArridDry
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So...It has been 6 days since we broke up and she still makes the effort to talk to me everyday. She doesnt like not talking to me. I answer her IMs and calls too. Well, she told me today that she likes another guy. Someone I know. Hes 15 years old. (shes almost 18 and im 19). Its just a crush, of course, but im not sure how to handle it. Still talk to her? Let her be with him? Be nice? Standoff-ish?

=\ Sorry im always asking for advice.

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Heather
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How about asking her to act with some maturity and have some boundaries?

It's really inapprorpriate to be talking to a very recent ex about new romantic interests.

Really, I'd suggest you make some distance, even with the everyday calls when she isn't talking about some new guy. She may like to talk to you, but she also decided to terminate the relationship, which means respecting the fact that she doesn't just get to have what she wants anymore with you not having same. She doesn't like not talking to you? That's too bad: she made a choice to sever ties. Having you be her stand-by isn't fair.

I know you want to reconcile, Arrid, but it's not wise to manage things like this. I'd suggest asking for a couple weeks to yourself without the calls.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ArridDry
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That's hard. =\ It sounds great on paper but its hard to do. Learning to live without each other is really tough. For the both of us. She told me last night that she will probably want to be with me in college. The distance just killed it all.

But I think to myself "If she REALLY loved me, she'd move mountains for me." But is everyone like that? I feel like going out with other people is such a huge risk for our relationship (Be it romantic or just friends or plans to be romantic in the future).

Edit: She also told me that she does not plan on getting into a serious relationship before she leaves for college (in 7 months). But how do you prevent that stuff? Can you?

[ 09-23-2006, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: ArridDry ]

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Heather
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Well, you of course can choose not to. What type of relationship two people have and what level of commitment involved is a choice, not something that happens. We construct the limits and boundaries of our relationships: they don't make themselves.

You know, it is REALLY not okay to try and manipulate someone into being a stand-by. She can't say what she'll want many months from now. However, when one says something like that to someone they've dumped and they know that person wants them back, they're effectively telling you to wait around for them and keeping you on hold, generally unless they find something else they like better. It's a crappy thing to do, even if you're not fully aware you're doing it.

if you two want to be in each other's lives as friends, both of you have to learn to act like friends. Not only will that take time -- and usually a little time apart, since it's really hard to instantly treat someone in a totally different way than you're used to -- it'll also take some maturity on both your parts, such as her not talking to you about prospective new boyfriends, and you telling her to be a bit more of a grownup and treat you with more courtesy and kindness.

And remember: right now, you do not HAVE a romantic relationship. Can you hear how you're talking in your second paragraph there? That's what I mean about needing a bit of distance to adjust: you're talking like you're still in a romantic relationship. But you're not: she terminated it.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ArridDry
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I'm having an extremely hard time with dealing with this. I cant help but think that I have some chance with her (which I may somewhere down the line). But it kills. When I see away messages saying "falling again..." Falling for what? Could it be another guy? How clever of her.

I'm really missing her. Badly. I find myself getting really upset and sad whenever I am not out doing something (and sometimes even then). It seems like shes moved on completely. Like she doesn't care about me. I know she does, but it doesn't seem like it.

6 days after an 11 month relationship she is interested in another guy. Could it possibly be a rebound? ::sigh::

I'm very sorry for this post. I just don't really know how to handle this. Its making me bitter. With everything. I'm totally consumed by this.

[ 09-24-2006, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: ArridDry ]

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kitka
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Handle it by doing what you would normally do every day. If you have the time, take up something new to keep your mind off of this situation. The more you think about this, the longer it will take for you to recover from it.

The other guy might not be a rebound situation; it might just be her acting out now that she's not in a relationship anymore/is stressed with her disorder. Whatever it is, try to leave it behind you. At this point, it doesn't look like there's anything that you can really do for her. That doesn't mean she's a bad person, or somehow defunct. But being with someone who's really troubled - and who's evidently in strong denial about her troubles - is not going to help you in the long run.

Like Miz S often says, young adult relationships often have a faster velocity than adult ones. She might think she loves you - but she's not really acting like it. Granted, her ED has wreaked havoc on her ability to act rationally. At the same time, she isn't able to have a stable relationship right now, maybe not for a long time.

Sometimes people are able to get over their issues, and if you leave them alone for a few months, they figure out on their own that they need to change, and then they do what they need to do to improve. Sometimes they don't change, though. There's no reason for you to saddle yourself with someone who, at this point, has made you really unhappy.

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PaigeyWaigey
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I used to have this problem about a year ago. Food disgusted me and grossed me out.. i hardly ever ate. and whenever i ate it was not more then 3 bites.. then when i checked my weight and i was 104 i knew that i was starting a disorder or anorexia. So from there i new i had to take better care of myself i started exercising more to get me in a better mood, and when i was in a good mood i ate alot of food. This morning i weighed myself and i was 121. I'm 5'5 and i love my weight and figure. Usually you develope a eating disorder when your depressed. Especially in your teens years going through puberty, family problems, sexual problems, or even maybe worried about relationship problems. I got really depressed after my aunt died that was really close to me, and my best friend was diagnosed with cancer.. thankfully i've came to overcome it and am doing wonderfully today. [Smile]

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.::Spare me just three last words
"I love you" is all she heard::
"I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever"::.

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ArridDry
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Just an update:

We are still split up. We really havent talked too much since my past post. Maybe 2 or 3 times. At any rate, both times she was pretty critical of the things I was saying and doing in my life. She would criticize the clothes I bought and the places I go to hang out with friends claiming "Im being so unlike myself its rediculous" She thinks Im not being myself, but I am.

I told her to stop being so critical of me and just talk like she normally would. I told her that the ways she is acting isnt like her either. Shes usually perky, outgoing, funny, weird, etc. She just said "Hmm..I am still that way, you just are not lucky enough to see it."

At any rate, she is being very bitter about how im living my life and Im not sure why. In every scenario I can think of, if she was happy with her life, she wouldnt be mean to me. I did nothing to her and she should be enjoying her life now.

Could she possibly be jealous that I'm in college having fun and shes at home still dating a 15 year old? Im really not sure if the way she is acting is because she really does dislike me and my choices, or if she wishes she was with me, or at least wishes I didnt change (because she'll be up here in 6 months and she doesnt want to come to college and find out Im a totally different person).

[ 10-05-2006, 04:21 PM: Message edited by: ArridDry ]

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ArridDry
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Sorry for double posting. But its been about a month and a half. And I am moving on and not feeling as bad, but I am still struggling with this breakup. I haven't been with anyone since her. She was still my last everything. I go out a lot to try and keep it out of my mind, but it rarely ever works.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to get over this girl? I still have not ever called or IMed her in any way. Everytime we talk, she initiates it. I really do not want to butt into her life since she was the one who thought she needed space.

At any rate, she got into the habit of talking to me everyday again (someones more than once a day). It was always online, never on the phone. Then, all of a sudden, I havent gotten an IM for about 7 days.

She has her new boyfriend to keep her company and to "replace me" and I dont have anyone. Im not sure if they are serious or wanting anything serious right now.

Anyway, what can I do? On top of being ok with this breakup, I want to make things between us positive so when she comes to live in my town in 6 months, we can have a potential future. So, should I IM her and see how shes doing? Wait for her to talk to me? How can I feel better about all of this?

Also, I feel good when I talk to her. I like it. We do not talk about our relationships anymore. in fact, she began to get very nice again. We have good conversations when we do talk.

Help! Thanks.

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Heather
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I'd stop thinking about a potential future, to start.

You can't expect to get over someone when you're still saving them a seat, in a word. And I feel pretty confident saying it is highly UNlikely the two of you wil end up back together, I really do.

Rather than thinking about how to deal with her, I'd instead suggest moving into the parts of your life, putting energy in those, that aren't about her. Your friendships and family relationships. You schooling and goals. Your hobbies. Even, when you feel ready, starting to maybe have a date with someone else once and a while.

But if you want to work on healing, you've got to stop being so focused on her. I know it's hard, but I think the way you're doing this is making it a lot harder.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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