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Author Topic: Purity Ring? Am I eligible?
joshua1141
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Member # 37566

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I haven't posted here for a very long time. Great to see the community doing well!

A little background story:
Almost a year ago, I felt very true to this one person (but yet, I did not love her, I just really enjoyed her company), and one thing led to another, we gave each other manual sex (hand) but nothing more than that. Now that we broken up (about half a year ago), I've gotten into the topic of Purity Ring. Lately, I've been researching a lot about purity rings.

I had manual sex, and I felt really bad now knowing I lost a pure part of me, but until now, I still strongly believe that having sex should wait until marriage. I'm 18 male, non-christian (but I still believe in god).

What does everyone suggest? Am I still eligible for a purity ring? or will this make me into a fake person trying to ask for someone's forgiveness? I really want to show the person I will love (in the future) that I do want to wait for the right person to get married before anything happens.

Thank you again community. I hope this isn't too much to read =S.

[ 07-30-2008, 04:33 AM: Message edited by: joshua1141 ]

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September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Hello Joshua. Welcome back.

This is a bit of a difficult question to answer, since for the most part, this is really something only you can decide. How do you define purity? What does it mean to you to be 'pure' and why is it so important to you? Because there really is no one definition of purity. It's not a medical or legal concept, but a social one, and one that means different things to different groups and people.

That said, there's no law that states that once you've been sexually active, you can never go back. You've been sexually active and that was what you wanted at the time, and that's perfectly fine. Now you feel differently and don't want to be sexually active, and that's okay, too. That's a decision YOU make. You get to decide what's okay for you, and what that means to you.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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By the by, Joshua, what I'd suggest is that however you demonstrate this commitment to yourself or others, you find a way to do it that is positive, that makes you feel good about yourself, rather than which is negative, punitive or makes you feel like a charlatan.

There's a lot of pretty negative stuff/ideas, and a lot of hypocrisy -- as well as some profit base -- within a lot of the "purity" organizations. But since we're just talking about you, and what might benefit you, I'd just consider those things with an eye towards how it all makes you feel. If those things make you feel bad, or don't feel true to you, you can make a commitment to yourself or someone else in your own way, which does make you feel good.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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joshua1141
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I had a feeling I might get an answer like yours. Yes, it really does mean what it means to me. I guess I have to make the tough choice after all. Thank you September.

Heather, I don't mean to be rude, but I couldn't understand a lot of what you said. There were a lot of vocabulary there. Could you simplify a little bit for me? Thank you!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Sure, let me try again. Ring or no ring, moneyed organizations endorsing purity or no, the ideas of sexual "purity" -- rather than different people just making whatever sexual choices feel best to them and are most in line with their own wants, needs and values -- have been pretty full of some ideas which just really aren't all that positive. In other words, have been based a lot in judging others, in shaming, in unrealistic ideas about sex and marriage, endorsing some pretty creepy ideas about gender, what have you.

Additionally -- see that link I gave you -- several abstinence-based and purity-ring or ball based orgs make LOADS of money off of this.

So, in other words, rather than worry if you fit with a given organization or groups ideas or criteria of what is "pure," why not just do whatever is right for you without feeling shameful about what felt right before but just doesn't now?

We're all, after all, "eligible" for whatever choices we feel are best for us. Instead of trying to fit someone else's model (especially when you consider that a lot of adults pushing teens to be abstinent have not followed those "rules" themselves), why not just have and live by your own? You don't need someone else's stamp of approval on this: all you need is to do whatever feels right for you. If that's holding off on any sex now until marriage, that's valid with or without someone else's approval.

[ 07-30-2008, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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joshua1141
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Heather,

I think you misunderstood. I'm not asking for anyones approval. I'm asking for eligible. But I guess we all have our own views.

I'm NOT trying to "fit" into an "organization". Rather I strongly believe in this idea. That's the only reason why I'm doing it. Well anyways I made up my mind. Thank you.

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libertatissacra
Activist
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You're always allowed to decide to stop being sexually active, and if you want to wear a ring to symbolise that choice, I don't see any reason why you can't.

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"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between."
-Oscar Wilde

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joshua1141
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Member # 37566

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Awesome, thank you for your support. : )
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Joshua, I hope you didn't misunderstand me and know that I'm supportive of whatever choices you make or ways you want to symbolize them.

What I was speaking to was simply you asking if you were "eligible" to make those choices. I spoke of approval because eligibility infers (by definition: eligible means qualified for or allowed or worthy of being chosen) that someone else is approving if you do or don't belong in some way, or if they will or will not consider you eligible for a given thing.

My primary objection to that was simply that we all -- you, me, anyone else -- should always, by default, be considered and consider ourselves eligible to hold off on sex for any given reason of our choosing or not to for any given reason of our choosing. In other words, I wanted to be sure that you knew that you're the person who is the authority when it comes to approval/eligibility for your own choices.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68235 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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