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Author Topic: Not perfect = no sex?
BarefootGirl
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My boyfriend and I are "ready" to have sex (finally) as it's been about a year and a half. We've discussed it but decided to put it off a little longer for, up until tonight, unknown reasons. Apparently the reason he didn't want to have sex last weekend was because he wants it to be "unreal" and right now my "thighs, stomach and arms aren't up to his standards". Ok so, before you go taking his side, I am 5'5'', 120lbs on the nose, I've got C-cups, curves and a generally flat stomach but no abs. I'm not overly confident with my body but I KNOW it's not untouchable. Am I wrong to be offended that he wants me to work out everyday for the next X number of weeks so that I'll be "perfect" in his eyes for him to want to have sex with me? I'm pretty sure he should be happy I want to do it now considering he's far from your "stud of the month". I love him the way he is, but it just seems like he's always trying to sculpt me into something better. It hurts me but he doesn't see why. Sigh. If I'm happy with myself, shouldn't he be?

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Posts: 73 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
cool87
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Seriously, I'm reading that and asking myself what kind of a loving and caring partner does that ? Thing is, a partner who cares about you doesn't do that. You can't change people to meet your own standards, that doesn't make any sense. I, myself, would not want to be with a partner who doesn't like me the way I am. If I got to change myself for someone to love me, that's just not something I'd be willing to do and he should better start looking somewhere else.

If you're comfortable with the way you look now, why try to change yourself ? It just doesn't make any sense to try to change yourself only to please a given partner which probably will go anyway because you won't have acheived ''his requirements''.

What I suggest is reconsidering whether you truly wants to have a relationship with a partner like that, let alone having sex with him ?

I'm truly sorry your partner is treating you like that. [Smile] You're an human being and you deserve to be treated like one.

[ 06-28-2008, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
allik10
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Oh my goodness girl, if this guy doesn't realize in a year and a half of dating how lucky he is then maybe he needs to take this time to reflect and "sculpt himself" to be more appreciative of a boyfriend. You shouldn't have to meet such unreal standards to express the way you feel and anyone who wont love you for who you are isn't worth the trouble. If you eat right and exercise normally you have nothing to worry about, and honestly, I would kill for your shape. I'm much shorter than you and petite but probably weigh about the same (thankfully most of it went to my boobs and butt) but my boyfriend LOVES my curves and imperfections are what makes us beautiful and human. I think maybe you should have a talk with him about his expectations and let him know that sex is not going to be perfect just by looking "perfect" to him.

p.s. Maybe you should suggest to him that making love can never be "unreal" and that his word choice proves his unrealistic expectations of your first time together.

Good luck JaiGuru!

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Pokey
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He shouldn't treat you like that.
I don't think he deserves to have sex with you, believe it or not.
No one would take his side in this.
Even for him to say that you're "not up to his standards" is extremely offensive.

Posts: 31 | From: Computer. | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Just a reminder, too?

It would not matter WHAT size or shape you were. You could look radically different than you do right now and this STILL would not be okay. And no one with any humanity would be "taking the side" of someone approaching a person like this, so I'm concerned that this has gotten under your skin already if you felt you had to defend your body here in order to get sympathy.

Time to adjust your own standards. What I suggest is that you set a standard where any partner who doesn't accept you as you are is below yours. Are you able to see that that is, in fact, a reasonable kind of standard?

Are you able to consider walking away from a "partner" (I put it in quotes because he's not behaving like a partner) like this and hold out for someone who treats you with real love and acceptance? You seem to be expressing that this is a pattern, and someone who makes any kind of habit of trying to get a partner to conform to their wants in ways like this is showing some warning signs of (or existing) control and abuse.

[ 06-29-2008, 01:21 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Posts: 68085 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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Wow. Sharp knees and such?

Either he's really unready to have sex and he's making excuses, or he is the biggest jerk ever.

Honestly, I can't fathom anybody saying that sort of thing to me or anybody else. and y'know what? I'm way heavier than you, and I'm not as tall, but I can get laid in a heartbeat with any number of good looking guys with lucrative careers. you guy, however, has an totally unreal set of expectations, and it's making him behave like on hell of an ***.

I'd say he better 'fess up to some real reasons for cold feet, or he gets kicked to the curb.

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EVivian
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I'm with everyone else on this one. Honestly, it sounds like your boyfriend is either extremely egotistical, has a very unrealistic view of how women typically look or should look, or simply doesn't believe that you are worth his respect. Whatever the reason, it is ridiculous that he's telling you you aren't up to his physical standards. If you're happy with how you look, that should be what matters.

I'd say that you should talk with him about this and make it clear that his comment is frankly offensive. Ask him why he said it and explain to him why it's really not OK with you that he make such demands. If he sees why he's wrong, apologizes, and refrains from making such demeaning comments and requests in the future, give him another chance. However, if he thinks he's in the right, get the heck out of that relationship.

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k486
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Oh gosh, hun ): I'm really sorry that he was so rude and offensive to you. Really, to come out with something as heartless and... ridiculously shallow after a year and a half of dating, is unforgiveable.

Sex should be about the love you have, the feelings you want to express. To make it all about your size and his stupid unrealistic expectations... it defeats the whole point, really. It sounds like he just wants the whole experience to be amazing for HIM, wants to mold you to be perfect for HIM, with no regard to your feelings, what you want, at all. It screams immaturity and selfishness.

The fact that you seem to think you are the one in the wrong, and question whether you should even feel bad about what he said, implies that this kind of comment, and complete lack of respect for you, is nothing new. He's playing on your insecurities, but you are not at fault here, at all.

It's great that you are happy with how you look. You are beautiful just the way you are, flaws and all, and any guy who can't appreciate that, isn't worth your time, no matter how many redeeming features he may have.

He doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong, from what you've said, and if he refuses to see reason.. It's hard to break away from someone when you love them, but when they're doing you more harm than good, sometimes it's a better option. But please don't let him treat you like that anymore. All the best, whatever you do.

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gothicguy
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In the words of the immortal Dan Savage, DTMFA!

Anyone who behaves like this isn't mature enough to be in a relationship or having sex. Find someone who'll appreciate you for ALL that you are!

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Posts: 28 | From: England | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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