A while back, I posted a thread titled "Problems arising again after being traumatized", and this sort of has to do with that. So it would probably help to go back and read about that.
But basically, the problem then was that I had, in the past, been in an online relationship with an older guy (in his 20s while I was only 14) where I was sexually exploited, and it left me extremely traumatized. It's been over 4 years since that relationship has ended, and I'm still trying to get over it. I don't feel like I can trust any male, especially not my step-dad even though he's never done a thing to hurt me. Every time I'm around him, I feel naked and uncomfortable. It hurts for him to even hug me. Now my fears are even moving on to my brother, whom I used to trust as a best friend. I just have this fear that all males are out to sexually hurt me. And sometimes, I don't imagine myself resisting-- sometimes, I even imagine myself wanting to be touched that way by them, though that's the farthest thing from the truth. It's disturbing, yet I can't stop it.
Something that happened that I didn't include in the past entry was that my father passed away when I was 4 years old. I had a terrible time coping with that. When my mother would go to work, I would cry, clinging to her feet and beg her not to go in fear that she "won't come back, just like daddy didn't." When I entered Kindergarten and grade school, I would cry every day because I didn't want my mom out of my sight.
For years, I never had a father figure until my stepdad came along when I was 12. I hated him while he was dating my mom because I felt like we didn't need him in our lives, but eventually I came around.
Fast forward a couple years, and the online relationship incident happened. Fast forward another few years, and here I am today-- scared and still dealing with the repercussions of my actions. I know my fears have been getting worse.
Now on the main reason why I'm posting this. And I'll be blunt-- Earlier today, I was masturbating and toward the end, I had an almost overwhelming feeling of wanting to say "oh, daddy".... That pretty much stopped me in my tracks right there. I honestly felt like curling up and dying the second I realized what I was thinking. What in the world could be the reason for this? I DON'T want to have sex with my father figure AT ALL, but i just don't know what to believe anymore. I wasn't even thinking about him at the time that happened, nor have I willingly EVER thought that. Could this be related to me not having a male role-model and father figure for my entire early childhood and now I'm trying to make up for it by wanting to feel nurtured in another way? I just really, REALLY don't understand.
Also, I look at porn and read erotic literature. Probably more frequently than I should. Could this be aiding in my sexual and emotional problems? And another question-- every time I look at a man, even ones that I find sexually attractive, I see my stepdad. I don't want to, but it just happens. Could this just be me relating my fears of someone I trust hurting me and relating that image to every male?
Heather recommended before that I call a rape crisis hotline for my problems, but I still haven't done it. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. At times, I feel like the most disgusting, sick person on the planet and even fantasize sometimes about just ending it all. I wouldn't do it, but sometimes it just feels like it would be so much easier that way.
I hope that wasn't too confusing... I just need some advice. Please. I'm desperate.
I really have to agree with Heather about seeing someone that is a professional at helping people that have been through abuse. Maybe you have a girlfriend you trust to help you find the courage to get help? It's not easy to take that step so having a friend you trust holding your hand (physically and emotionally) might help.
As much as people on here want to help, there's probably nothing anyone can say on a message board that can really give you the kind of help you deserve. There's lots of people that really want to help you, but you have to find them first.
Only adice I have is to keep looking until you find the right person for you. Plenty of counselors are female, so you don't need to see a guy since that's the problem. They will understand that you need a female counselor.
Posts: 98 | From: Seattle | Registered: Mar 2007
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(Lastonestanding, those comments really are not helpful. In fact, they are pretty counterproductive. Fear, doubt, and worry are not the #1 weaknesses in people and telling that to someone who is healing from past abuses is incredibly inconsiderate, rude, and just plain hurtful. The caps also need to stop as they appear to be yelling over the internet, which is really not the way to help someone who is healing from abuse. If you want to help, that isn't the way to go about doing it. Scarleteen tries to maintain a safe environment for people to talk about issues in their lives without being harrassed or condemned. If those kinds of comments persist, they, and you, will not be tolerated. Honestly, I think an apology to snowgirl1 is in order here, too.)
-------------------- Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007
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yes.. your right orca my comment was not helpful and I was not yelling at her i just randomly hit the caps button sometimes(i got no clue why) and i wasn't harrasing her at all just i got a problem with bluntly saying what needs to be done. And snowgirl1 im sorry if i harrased or condemned you in anyway. and one quick unrelated question why can't we send Scarleteen Volunteer's private messages?
-------------------- You can tell me anything. I won't get mad. Posts: 10 | From: Chicago | Registered: Apr 2008
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(Private messages are disabled for all users except the volunteers, for the sake of everyone's safety. There's a lot of potential for creeps to start harrassing users here if they can contact people without moderation, given the sensitive subject matter of the boards.)
It's ok to feel wary of men after the way you've been treated. It can take years to recover from any sort of exploitation, and sexual exploitation at such a young age is sure to have left you emotionally reeling.
It is however, very important for you to realise that although this one man has caused you such pain, not every male you come into contact with will be trying to, or want to hurt you. A perfect example of this i your step-dad and brother. Before this incident happened you seemed to have had a perfectly normal relationship with both of them.
(Can I just ask - do your parents/stepparents/brother know about what happened?)
If so then it might be wise to talk to them, and explain how you're still feeling shocked and confused (possibly even angry?) and that you're finding it hard. That they shouldn't take it personally, and would appreciate it if they could help you overcome this.
If they don't know about this then i really recommend you tell your parent/stepparent even if not your brother. They'd be rightly angry on your behalf and would give you someone to talk to.
You mention that you didn't have a father figure for much of your childhood? Is this something you feel has affected you negatively? Is it something you're bitter about? It's understandable you didn't like the thought of your step-father coming onto the scene, but you've overcome that now, and although at the moment you're possibly finding it tough, it sounds like you used to have a great relationship with him.
Your fears may well continue to get worse, however, if you don't find a way to deal with this. Naturally, the most obvious choice would be to phone a rape helpline, like Heather suggested, or by going to your GP and finding out about conselling, or some sort of 'talk-therapy'. However, there are some other things you can try to get over this, some people find it can help to write a "letter" to their attacker, friends, parents, whoever, which isn't actually sent, but is a way to get down all their feelings. Many people find it easier to work out what they mean/want/feel after writing it down, rather like you did in this post, but you can include personal references, more details, even graphic images if it helps you.
The most important thing for you is, though, to not feel guilty. What you did wasn't any indication that you want to have sex with a father figure, and nor should you feel that in any way it was 'wrong'. It's ok to read adult literature, and many many people look at porn and are still well-balanced individuals. As long as you remember that porn is made for the cameras, and that most fiction of an adult nature is just that - fiction - then I think you'll be ok.
If you're still worried that you're reading/watching too much 'adult content' then maybe try to take a little break or cut down for a little while. Try to find other things to get off on, that cutie you saw at the bus stop the other day... whatever.
There is in the UK at least, a help organisation called the Samaritans, and it has the option to email them instead of calling them. If you really don't think you 'talk' to someone then try copying and pasting your two posts from here into an email to he samaritans or a similar place in your local area.
I hope I've been of some help, I know this post is really long but I've tried to break it up into smaller sections.
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