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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » what do you tell guys when you're on your period?

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Author Topic: what do you tell guys when you're on your period?
SFgrrrl
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This is more of a hypothetical, as I don't know if I will get into a sexual situation while I'm on my period, but I've been close before. I just wonder, if you're with a new partner, what would you say to indicate that you don't even want them sticking their hand in your pants because you're on your period? I know with someone you're in a relationship with, you might choose to have sex on your period, but I still find it a little bit of an embarassing topic, especially with a new partner...
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Heather
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"I'm on my period." or, "Just so you know, I have my period right now."

Given, I'm a direct girl, and I also have no trouble with any kind of sex during my period, but I do often say things to partners who aren't aware just because it'd hardly be uncommon for a person to get worried needlessly if they see their hand covered in blood. [Smile]

But really, that'd be about it from me. If I wasn't comfortable being that frnak about my body with someone who was going to put their hand in my pants, I'd be sure to keep their hands pretty far from said pants until I was. If my normal body functions are too embarassing to bring up, that's a red light for me to be sexually involved.

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SFgrrrl
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*Sigh*

In theory, intellectually, I agree with a direct approach about communication and sex. It's just that -I don't know when I'll ever manage to be very good at it myself. I can imagine myself saying things directly and be fine ahead of time, but when I get in a situation I tend to freeze up. And confidence hasn't gotten better for me since I was about 16, so I can't assume it will get better in the future without practice...

I'm sure I could say "I'm on my period" I'd probably just get a little flustered... I just didn't know if there was a more socially appropriate way to say it, like how with certain things an indirect approach is usually considered more socially appropriate...

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Heather
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Really, when someone's hand is in your pants, I think there's little need to worry about what's socially appropriate!

I mean, really. [Smile] If they're sticking their fingers there, they are introducing themselves to those intimacies and making very clear they're open to them. Again, if they are NOT, it's THEIR job not to go there in the first place. And it's yours, if you don't feel ready to be candid and open about what goes on down there, to tell them to chill with the hands until you feel more okay about all that entails.

And sure, practice helps, but again, so does talking the time to develop trust with someone when you don't feel so easily comfortable, so that, through that trust, you CAN feel more comfortable. For someone with social anxieties, that'd be doubly important, and for you, given your posts here so far, it seems to me that it's probably a good idea to have things go a bit more slowly, if for no other reason than that if you feel like this, you're only going to feel more anxiety, which is going to make being aroused and enjoying sex in the first place pretty darn unlikely (and thus, there's no point in doing it at all).

I know, btw, that these words won't mean much, but I hear you talk about this kind of thing and you feeling down on yourself, or like it's just not right that you're not uber-comfy with all of this -- and living in SF, it's easy to get that in some circles, the pressures to be easy-breezy about it can be intense -- the self-loathing just sort of oozes all over the page.

EVERYONE is entitled to their own sexual and interpersonal timetables, and no one person's is righter than anyone elses. Sure, less folks are towards the poles of that spectrum than those filling up the middles, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with wherever you are on the map (this coming from someone who for most of her life has been on one of those poles, too, just the opposite one you are).

It may sound glib or trite, but a lot of the time, confidence comes from just owning your own stuff, even the parts of ourselves that are different or dorky or hurt or aren't other people's favorite bits. Obviously, there's no quick fix for being frustrated with parts of yourself, but I feel like if you could take more steps to just own these things -- as in, "Yep, I feel mighty awkward with other people, or in sexual situations, and that's just the way I am right now, So be it," -- your confidence would up, making even the most awkward stuff a lot easier to face and feel okay about.

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stupidbf
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I'm direct too. Only been with one guy, but we were friends before that and I'd just say I've got my period. I'll tell anyone I've got it. No shame.

However, there's some not so direct phrases you could use to hint at that.

"Not this week." *move hand away*

"You can hopefully do that in X days."

"It's closed to visitors this week."

Or anything with some kind of WEEK in it because he should get it. If he doesn't get it, he should go educate himself on menstration at least a little bit before moving onto sexual activities.

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Gumdrop Girl
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It was always my luck that's I'd be on my period whenever I would get with a new guy. From the get go, it was always, "Oh hey, I'm on my period. you might not want to put your hand there."

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jenny2468
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the first time i had to give the red light to my boyfriend we ended up having a rather amusing convesation about tampon applicator which he seemed to think were the strangest concept on earth. the good thing about tampons is you can still have a enjoyable mess-free time and also creates some adventurous bed activities without intercourse!
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September
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I am not necessarily on the best of terms with my period, but I've never had an issue discussing it with significant others. If I am going to be intimate with someone, I better be able to discuss something as natural and normal as my period with them.

A few years ago, my then-boyfriend also asked me for advice on approaching his younger sister with regards to her period (he wanted her to know she could come and talk to him if she needed anything, he's such an awesome brother), and we had a great conversation about that and I shared the story of my first period and all that. It was really cute.

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Johanna
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ocarina
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I think it's usually a pretty good idea to at least start out with the right terminology. It can be a little weird telling your partner that you have your period the first time you use it, but honestly, if you start using euphemisms for everything, it's going to be much harder to communicate effectively. There are so many hairy issues surrounding sex that are just really hard to resolve without complicating things by avoiding proper terminology.

Your partner will know that this situation will come up eventually, so really, it's just the words. Having a real-words, honest sex chat with a partner for the first times actually feels pretty empowering, IMO. But once you've gotten things explained, there's nothing wrong with coming up with some sort of alternate phrase. The boyfriend and I refer to my period as Biology Week.

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libertatissacra
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I've always been pretty direct and say what I mean. Which is usually something along the lines of "Hey, just so you know, I'm on my period. If it grosses you out, you may want to wait a few days before you venture down there. If you're cool with it, though, then I'm cool with it."

I've learned that a lot of guys seem to like being told that it's okay if they find it unappealing. Which is fine by me, because I probably find my period more disgusting than anyone else. That being said, I'm also fine with having sex while I'm on my period, provided it doesn't boother my partner.

So, I guess...just be honest with him. If you don't want to do sexual stuff on your period, tell him that.

I know I used to feel really weird about my period in general. When I first started it, I didn't even tell my mom for a few months, let alone talk about it with someone of the opposite sex, and for a while always lived in terror that someone would know when I was on it. I guess I just realised that it was one of the (in my opinion) less pleasant aspects of life, that it was normal, and that it was nothing to be ashamed of.

Also, even as a girl myself, I'd want to know if a female partner was on he period before I put a finger in there, and as such, I afford the same courtesy to my partners.

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cool87
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As for me, I am just not comfortable having sex with a partner when I'm on my period. So, I usually just tell them something like : ''I'm on my period right now and I prefer just not having sex during it. We can postpone that to another time, okay ?''.

Having sex when I'm on my period usually don't bother them as much as it bothers me though. They'd be up for it but I'm not so most of the time we don't. :)

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