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Author Topic: low self esteem
morbidmacabre
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I have recently (within the past month) found out i was pregnant...I wasn't really excited about it but i wasnt dreading either and i hoped my boyfriend would have similar feelings. However, he didn't feel like I did at all. All he wanted me to do was get rid of it and it's been making me feel really bad. He puts me on guilt trips all the time and goes on and on about how it's going to ruin everything and how all the fun in life with be gone, etc. etc.. He's said the only good thing he's going to get out of it is sex and has..not really forced me..but pressured me into doing a lot of things I haven't wanted to do lately. I've told him how I feel about it all but he just doesn't seem to care at the moment..I don't know if it's all the emotions about realizing he's going to be a father or what but...I don't know..I just feel really bad and I wanted to know if anyone else has had this problem and if they have any advice. Thanks.
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Narwhal
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Honey, your boyfriend is sending up red flags all over the place. First of all, his not respecting your decision to have the baby isn't ok. He was willing to accept the privilege of sex, and dealing with a potential pregnancy is one of the responsibilities that goes with it. And nobody has the right to pressure you into into a choice you don't want. If he's trying to pressure you into an abortion when you've made up your mind to have the baby, he is being selfish and certainly does not have your best interests at heart.

And his pressuring you into sex that you don't want is likewise not ok. You have the right to say no and not be badgered or pressured about your decision.

All in all, I'm worried about these behaviors, and the guilt trips, his not caring how you feel, and your report of low self-esteem. His behavior isn't healthy, and you are clearly being hurt by it. It sounds to me like emotional abuse, and the one thing I know about abuse is that, in almost all cases, it continues.

I'd suggest you look at this thread:
The Abusive Partner Checklist

Considering those questions can help you assess the situation, and make it easier for you to think about your options.

[ 08-06-2007, 12:07 AM: Message edited by: Narwhal ]

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-Lauren-
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While I can see how what he says is making you feel crappy, it's reasonable to take into account how he feels -- many possible young fathers AREN'T too thrilled about the future, and it sounds to me as if he's (albeit too-negatively) trying to present the problems he'll have with parenting, which is absolutely something to consider if you're planning on co-parenting with him.

The sad truth of young motherhood is that the majority will go it alone -- even those who get pledged undying support at the beginning of their pregnancies. I think you'd both benefit from attempting to talk this through constructively (perhaps you can find pregnancy counseling, or talk to a clergy member?), so you can both get a better grip on where, exactly, you see yourselves and each other in regards to this child, should you be set on the parenting route.

It's really not sounding so far like that's the route he seems to want to take (nor have much in the way of respect and maturity that fatherhood would require), so this is absolutely something you should think about.

[ 08-06-2007, 12:21 AM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

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Narwhal
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Ummmmmmm, yeah, there's always the not dramatic way to react. I apologize if I jumped the gun a bit.
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-Lauren-
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(Not at all -- I entirely agree there's something wrong here with the coercion, and that's to be taken pretty darn seriously. I was just adding input on top of yours. [Smile] )

[ 08-06-2007, 02:17 AM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

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morbidmacabre
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I'll try talking to him about it more...
I figure it's just him being upset and nervous about everything..
Thanks.
And about the checklist...there were a few..actually about 5 that i checked but it's not all the time...most of them just at the moment..I'm just getting sick of the way he's been acting.

[ 08-07-2007, 10:21 PM: Message edited by: morbidmacabre ]

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Narwhal
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Which items on the checklist did you mark, if you don't mind sharing? Five is definitely cause for concern.
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morbidmacabre
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[x] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily
[x] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down
[x] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos)
[x] I am afraid to say no to sex
[x]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault

It's actually gotten worse after today though because today I ticked him off while we were swimming so he proceeded to keep dunking me under the water. (I can't swim and I am deathly afraid of deep water and drowning.) After that he was like, "Do you want to break up with me now?" and saying stuff like that...I talked to him about it and he said he doesn't want to break up but the way he's acting..I don't know..it seems like he wants me to break up with him.
I don't know..maybe he's just stressed.

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-Lauren-
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Get away from him.

A caring partner does NOT exploit your fears, especially ones that ARE potentially life-threatening. "Upset", "stressed", "worked up" and "angry", forgive me, don't mean ****. Normal people control themselves and don't harm others.

Can you talk to anybody about what's going on, morbidmacabre? What about your parents?

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Narwhal
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I agree with Lauren. He has made it abundantly clear that you are not safe with him.

I looked up a statewide domestic violence hotline in Virginia. The phone number is

1-800-838-8238

It's run by the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Alliance

Especially in light of the fact that he just put you in fear for your life, it's safest for you to seek help from someone in your area.

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morbidmacabre
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My parents don't especially want to talk to me about anything at the moment. I usually just see them in the afternoon for 15 or so minutes for dinner. I've talked to one of my friends and she listens, but she doesn't give me much advice because she said she doesn't want to interfere, which is why I turned to this website. (Which is very good btw, thank you.)
I don't know what I would do without him, especially going through with the pregnancy and having the baby...he's basically all I've got, literally. When we started dating, I pulled away from most of my friends (not even realizing it)so I really don't have that many people to talk to about anything.

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-Lauren-
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Are either your parents or your friend aware of the scope of this problem? That it's not just relationship "drama", but ABUSE, and you need real help? I can't imagine any person with a caring relationship with you then saying they don't want to get involved.

I know it's hard to face, but if you're set on parenting, a big part of that is taking care of yourself and your responsibility to provide him/her as well as yourself a safe environment and loving, supportive relationships. You are not receiving this now, and I can next-to guarantee that when reality sets in (there's a baby crying to REALLY "set him off"), it could well escalate.

(You can check out our Teen Mamas thread for more on relationship troubles with parenting, if you like.)

How can we help, morbidmacabre? I imagine it's hard feeling so isolated.

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morbidmacabre
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My parents are unaware but my friend is aware of some things, but not everything, because I don't really feel comfortable discussing them with people I know...I don't really know why.
I know the relationship isn't really healthy..but I've been trying to overlook everything he does that isn't perfect...I guess it just doesn't work that way. =[ I don't want anything to happen to me or especially to the little baby because of him.
Just talking on here is real help.
Thanks so much.

Posts: 9 | From: virginia | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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