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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Boyfriend of a rape victim...clueless

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Author Topic: Boyfriend of a rape victim...clueless
jewilikers
Neophyte
Member # 34367

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Alright, I don't want this to be out of place here...but.

I have a girlfriend that was a victim of rape when she was 15 (we are both 22 now). All that she told me was that she thought this guy was a friend, he somehow got her into the bedroom of a house, and took advantage of her. He bragged that he had been with her to his friends the next day, and she never said anything at all...even her friends thought she just decided to "hook up" with him, and never knew it was rape.

In any case, she's had a few (3 or 4) sexual partners since then (only between the ages of 15-17, and only boyfriends that she cared for), and never even kissed a male between 17-21 because she had been so hurt. It might also help to know that she had no father around after age 12, and that when her father and mother divorced at the same age, her mom went crazy, left her alone at home on holidays, and never noticed when she was gone for weeks at a time. She has taken things incredibly slow in our 10 month relationship, and has had sex with me maybe 5 times in that time period...I sleep in the same bed with her 3 or 4 times a week, and we generally have foreplay, but no sex...unless she "slips."

Ok...to the point. I love this girl, but I'm getting very frustrated with the sex issue. Does anyone have any perspective on the matter? Do you know any males that can have foreplay and sleep in the same bed, but not have sex? I'm getting very frustrated...but I know that she is much more important than my frustration...I'm trying to be ok with not having sex, but it is so hard. I've only been with one other girl (my ex-girlfriend) in my life, despite "one-night stand" opportunities.

Also, I know this is shallow, but I can't stand that she has given herself to other males. I guess I've always had this image of a virgin for a wife...I just can't get past my own point of view. If you have any insight, I would truly appreciate it.

Thank you,

Darren

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Darren Moon

Posts: 1 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Airem
Activist
Member # 24638

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Hi Jewilikers,
You HAVE to respect her wishes on this matter. Rape is unimaginable to the people that haven't experienced it first hand and you or me or anyone else for that matter can't begin to even think of how horrible that is for her.
Yes it was a long time ago but everyone has a different healing rate.
Don't get me wrong man i know where your coming from and i get it that your frustrated, but really in this situation you just have to sit back and let her decide when shes ready.

Per the "giving herself to other males"
thats kind of a odd way to look at it. It seems to me as though she didn't really "Give herself" to them. she could have thought she was in love at the time and felt similar to them the way she feels for you. Just remember it doesn't make you less important in her or anyone elses eyes just because she had partners before you. I hope everything works well for you man and welcome to the boards [Smile]

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As The Shadow Follows The Body, As We Think, So We Become.

Posts: 157 | From: Athens, Texas, USA | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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Member # 25983

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I can sympathize with you; I've weathered a 3 year relationship with limited to no intercourse, and it's been incredibly hard on both myself and my partner. He's perfectly capable of stopping with foreplay or other activities; masturbation is a good thing for either party for that reason.

You're not the only one hurting with sexual difficulties. Has she seen a counselor to help her process her assault and work on healing her sexuality? If not, that sounds like a crucial first step. You might even consider going together at some point.

I can't stand that she has given herself to other males. I guess I've always had this image of a virgin for a wife...

I apologize if I'm reading into this more than I should or you meant, but all of this is really coming off as her sexuality being tainted or spoiled by her assault and sexual past. If it's the intimacy of first-time sex you want (which is something easily obtained with a new partner, not just the first time random holes get penetrated), why is it suddenly not important for you to wait simply because she has been with others? That could really send the message of her being damaged and less important, which is a crappy way for anyone to feel, much more a sexual assault survivor.

Have you talked to your girlfriend in depth about your feelings, and has she shared hers? Is it because sex isn't something she WANTS to be having right now, or does she want to, but feels inhibited due negative feelings or trauma?

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Irm
Activist
Member # 27418

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"Do you know any males that can have foreplay and sleep in the same bed, but not have sex?"

The very construct of this question seems to feed deeply into the falsity that all males have an aggressive urge for intercourse that is cruel and unusual to keep at reins. Of COURSE I know males who CAN have foreplay and sleep in the same bed as a woman without intercourse. Not only do I know males who CAN do it, I know males who prefer to, or who do not feel the same imperative implied in the word "can" (vs cannot).

Do you know what she is doing to try to work through these things? Is she seeing a therapist, getting involved in any survivor support groups, etc? Getting to a place where she feels more in control of and united with her own sexuality may take time, and even when that becomes a greater reality, there's no guarantee that sexuality will be what you are expecting. For right now, it seems as though she has shown a very clear limitation in what she is comfortable with.

When I read things like "except when she 'slips'", especially in a context where the intercourse is held off because one person may not be comfortable at all with it, I sort of have to wonder. If a boundary is set by one partner, it is still both partners' responsibilities to help that boundary stand. Is it possible that she "slips" not because she gives in to the wonders of intercourse, but because she gives in to your clearly very strong desire for this activity? I only suggest it because it's common, very common, especially for people who have endured some sort of sexual abuse in the past, to crack on a boundary zone under the pressure to please a partner.

As far as the virginity issue, I would REALLY sit down and take a long, hard think about all the things implied in your statement. For starters, she has not "given herself to" anyone else; that is, she did not take some part of her and give it to the ownership of another person, so that it is not there now to be shared with you. She remains in full possession of all parts of herself and her sexuality at all times, and there is not "less" there now to interact in this relationship. The degree of intimacy is her choice, but it does not mean that she "loses" anything. Really, the idea of virginity being a THING that can be LOST is sort of silly, as it is not a thing at all, but an absence of a thing: absence of sexual experience. A person's sexuality is not "in tact" by virtue of never having had sex. That implies it is somehow "used up" BY having sex. The opposite is usually true: we gain more understanding about our sexual selves through healthy sexual experiences.

Apologies if you felt a little picked on in this post, but I think it would be valuable to sit down and rethink a couple of things.

Posts: 213 | From: Private | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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