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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Personal Issue about Virginity

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Author Topic: Personal Issue about Virginity
Member # 33109

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Okay let me start off by saying how great it is that you guys put this site up -it is definitely needed and appreciated.

So I'm completely new to this site but I'm in major need of advice.

Before this year I never really approached the subject of sex personally. I did Peer Counselling for a year in Grade 12 and I did learn how to help other people approach this topic and kind of listen and just suggest them where they could go for further help. This was easy because it was NEVER personal, it was always about someone else.

Last year, I had my first boyfriend just as I started College. He and his group had a much more in your face approach to talking about Sex. They would talk about it all the time. And he would hint at stuff like we should do this or that. Obviously, it was definitely a shock for me. I had never really seen people so open with the topic before.

Anyways, I hvae two really good friends, one is a guy and one is a girl. We're kind of a group. Well, let's put it this way they are way more open on the topic of sex than I am. They're also both experienced. And that topic has been coming up lately as they now nicknamed me the 40 year old Virgin. It really shouldn't bother me. And I can take a joke. But for some reason it really does. My other good friend, she's also experienced. I feel so insecure about this and I don't know how to tell them this. It's not that I have a problem so much with talking about it, it just that this particular topic makes me feel like stupid because I don't know all that much about it and my background is way more conservative.

I also feel very insecure that they have to constantly bring up the fact that I'm a virgin. This guy asked me out today and I turned him down not for any related reason but then my guy friend said, oh you should have said you were sex shy! I'm like oh my god shut up. That kind of offended me and made me feel really insecure.
I don't know how to deal with this, as no one in my family is available for talking about this and none of my other friends would really understand.

My guy friend would probably get it but I don't know how to explain how I feel to him. I don't even know how I really feel.

Can you give me some advice or help? Thank you so much. I am so confused, and this sucks.

I'm okay at this kind of angle&you're okay from this kind of light. And we don't look like pages from a magazine, but that's alright, that's alright.

Posts: 14 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Starting with your friends, are you able to be comfortable explaining to them that the way they're talking is exterting a feeling of pressure on you?

Because ultimately -- and you probably already know this -- everyone has a different timetable in terms of sex and sexual partnership. So, whatever it is that's right for you is what should be right for you per your friends, too. And if they're good friends, my bet is they won't want to be making you feel bad, and don't intend to be hurtful, so would want to know if that's the result the "joke" is having.

If it helps you in starting that conversation, know that someone at 17 or 18 who hasn't had any sexual partnership is a veru different person than someone at 40. Mind, to young people, a difference of a couple years in terms of this may SEEM huge, but it's so not: it just seems huge because time moves a lot more slowly when you're young, and every developmental step feels like a mile. Many, many people are not sexually active yet at your age.

As well, many people feel skittish even voicing these things, but from the sounds of things, you don't tease your friends about where they're at in their sexual lives, so having that expectation of them as well is more than fair.

* * *

And as to your guy friend? What he said was crappy, and again, if you can find a way to voice that statements like that are hurtful to you and make you feel insecure, with a good friend, they should be responsive to that.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 33032

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I agree with Heather sweetie. My bestfriend in Elementary and Middle school started having sex when she was 12! That was all she talked about after that, and gosh, I was six months older than her, now five years later I'm still not active and I've learned to be proud of that. It doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else, and it doesn't make you so either. It just means that it hasn't happened for us yet. I've been teased about the same thing for years now. Just let your friends know, the next time it comes up that you don't like the way they put you down about being a virgin. Big deal man, lots of people are. Just talk to them, and see if they listen. You shouldn't be afraid to tell your friends how you feel.

Loving Life, Riding the road. Mitakuye Oyasin!

Posts: 15 | From: Rome Ga | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29762

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i had the same problem with some of my friends, if you want to call them that, last year and occasionally now.

all my friends new i was a virgin because i told them all about my problems with my ex and how he was always pushing for sex but i didn't want to. i then started dating one of my friends, so everyone knew. they'll try and make you feel bad, but i just wasn't ashamed to be 18 and a virgin. i was actually proud that i had waited that long and since i was older, i didn't have a problem talking about it with my mom and she even offered to get me birth control pills.

however, i still have a friend who is a couple years younger than me. she's 16 and i'm 19. she tries to make me feel bad that i didn't have sex until i was 18 and done with my first year at college. i think this is a terrible thing for her to be thinking, and i think that everyone should wait until they are in college to have sex. i don't know, it seems more like an adult thing to do. in college you don't have to worry about your parents walking in on you, unless you live at home.

just have sex when you're ready. i even regret losing my virginity to my ex. i wish i had thought more about it and really looked at the situation. now with my current boyfriend (who is a virgin) i'm able to think about it way before it happens.

stand up to your friends and tell them it's your life. as long as your happy with your decisions then they shouldn't be bringing you down!

Posts: 63 | From: US | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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