I have some questions, about my girlfriend's vagina. We've been in a relationship for about six months or so, and we've had sex a few times, and so far it hasn't really been very good, she doesnt seem to react at all with sex, and doesnt seem to want it or try for it. Recently however I found out that the reason for this is because mostly it causes pain or discomfort ( asked her what was wrong and she eventually told me after holding it in for months...)
Apparently even just inserting one finger into her vagina is enough to cause her mild discomfort, and that sex itself is usually pretty painful, but fingering is worse.
Fingering towards the top of her towards her stomach is also incredibly discomforting, and causes her to pee... I don't understand this
This whole thing is entirely new to me, I am putting VERY little pressure, and other girl's Ive been with have liked it a lot harder or deeper, but she seems to be in pain with even the slightest pokes or prods, even the lightest bit of foreplay below the waist tends to be 'not so good'... And I know that every girl is different 'down there' but i am concerned that this is a real problem, and as the time goes on what was first semi pleasurable has become uncomftorable, which has become painful (she says it wasnt as bad when we started being sexual as it is now)
Also im feeling like a horrible boyfriend, usually i try my best to get a girl to have pleasure and ive never ever had this much problem before. It's gone beyond just seeking an orgasm for her and just seeking sex that was actually pleasureable to her...
so im wondering if it could possibly be a medical problem? If it was what could it be, I want her to go to a gynocologist but she is incredibly embarassed about it, and thinks its all 'her fault' i dont want to make her think this, so i sort of want a 'medical reason'. I know the 'first time' is hard (and I am her first boyfriend) but Im seriously thinking something might be physically wrong with her, either an infection that makes her sensitive or a bladder thats lowered making her need to pee with even the slightest upward pressure...
I'd have her post herself but shes too embarassed
Posts: 15 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2006
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Okay. You say that your girlfriend's never been in a relationship before, let alone a sexual one, and that sounds to me like it's a big part of the problem. Sex can be pretty nerve-wrecking the first few times around. So a lot of that pain she's experiencing? Probably because she's nervous and not properly aroused.
Especially because you say the pain got worse over time. Sounds like she was experiencing discomfort in the beginning, and now she's expecting to feel it again and she tenses up.
So for right now, sounds like it would be better to take a break from sexual activity. At the least from the kinds of activity that cause her pain. Because if you just keep trying, it's putting pressure on your girlfriend. And that's not good. Because this really isn't, in any way, 'her fault'. It's not anyone's fault. Focus on other aspects of the relationship instead (communicating, for instance, which seems to also be an issue given that she initially wasn't open with you about her discomfort) and, if she feels ready, on other sexual activities. It doesn't have to be all about penetration, after all.
Regardless, it would be a good idea for her to start going to regular check ups with a gynocologist, now that's she's sexually active. And it's absolutely nothing to be embarrased about.
(That said, if your girlfriend wants to come and post here and tell us her side of the story, that might help as well. Really nothing to be embarrased about.)
-------------------- -joey Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 8853 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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We just got back from about a month of very little sexual play (long distance relationship) and now that we're home and have sex, suddenly it hurts, and she says when we first had sex it didn't hurt, but now it does and its only getting worse (we had sex for about two weeks before she told me it was hurting, and getting worse for her each time) I'm worried that both internal and external stimulation causes her discomfort, I want to be able to pleasure my girlfriend and I feel badly that I can't, it seems like on the physical side we're on the track to a very unsatisfying relationship. And yes I know it is not 'her fault' i dont mean to assign blame, She just sort of feels like it is and im trying to show that its not. I mentioned that I hadn't had this reaction before and she feels like there is something wrong with her, and I told her there wasn't, and that we would try and maybe it was just that she wasn't used to having ANY stimulation down there.
The fact that the pain is 'new' is what made me think it was possibly something medical. She says she will bring it up next time she goes to a GYN but I don't think it will be for a while, and she doesn't think that it is urgent.
Posts: 15 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2006
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I understand her feeling like it's her fault. When my boyfriend and I were having sexual problems, I felt that my pain and discomfort and having to stop during sex was all my fault too and that something was wrong with me. But he kept me feeling optimistic and beautiful and we eventually worked out our problems.
I think it's great that you are doing the same for your girlfriend and telling her it's not her fault. It's not anyone's fault. It's just something you two need to work out together. But something you need to keep in mind, if you visibly get frustrated and seem irritated when one of these painful occurrences happen, you are just fueling her belief that it's her fault. She doesn't want to disappoint you and you being upset at something she can't control just makes all the much worse. But from what I've heard, you supporting her and taking care of her is just what she needs.
From what I've read, her pain could be caused from many things. When you mentioned that if you massage the top of her vaginal entrance it makes her need to pee. That is common for almost every woman. You actually aren't massaging her vagina but her urethra, where urine does exit. It's a type of reflex. I'm sure you aren't doing this intentionally, but that will be the result if you do massage that area. Tell her that there is nothing at all abnormal about that. Almost every woman does that.
I will agree with September that she could be apprehensive and anticipating the pain she's experienced before, which again is neither of your faults. Inexperience is also a possibility. She may not know what feels good for her. If you guys are quite close and trusting, maybe mentioning masturbation or self-exploration to her would help her discover what she needs.
Every woman likes different things, as you said. The majority of women don't get much from vaginal penetration, our orgasms come more from clitoral stimulation. I'm not sure if you do that, but it could help alleviate her pain somewhat during sex if her clitoris is stimulated.
I am confused as to why "fingering" is more painful for her than sexual intercourse. One would think it would be the most preferable when according to her level of pain. Sometimes female discomfort and pain during sex occurs when she "drys up." Her own natural lubrication eventually runs out from continued sexual activity or the fact that she wasn't even that aroused to begin with. In this case, buy some water-based lubricant like KY Liquid or Astroglide (you can find it at Walmart or grocery stores).
And one of the last possibilities is that maybe, even if she doesn't say so, she may not have been ready for sex. A lot of girls will go ahead and have sex with guys just to make him happy, despite their own needs, physical and especially emotional.
If none of these works when you talk to your girlfriend, encourage her to go to the gynecologist for a full STD screening, even if she says she doesn't have anything, just to be safe and to talk to her doctor about the pain. She could have an infection that could be causing the pain and if so, she needs treatment ASAP. Tell her you understand she's embarassed, but her doctor has probably heard and seen everything that is possible to occur to the human body. He or she has seen more than their share of vaginas and her's won't be seen any differently. In fact, if she can't talk to her doctor, have her write it down and give it to the doctor during her visit.
My view on my first gynecologist visit was that the small amount of embarassment I felt during the visit wasn't anything compared to pain and discomfort I had been feeling. You can even go with her if you want. I don't know if they let men inside the examination room, but you can wait for her at least. If they do let you in the exam room, just sit up by her head and talk to her about some funny joke you heard or your favorite TV show or what you did at school or work that day. Just something to ease her mind. That's what my mom and the nurse did and I felt 10X more at ease than if I had been by myself. Also, tell her to ask the doctor to explain what she's going to be doing. It's easier to get through the exam if you know what's going to be happening, rather than just waiting for something to poke and prod you.
It already shows your concern for your girlfriend, not yourself, that you've posted here at Scarleteen. Personally, I would feel extremely loved and cared for if my boyfriend posted here. Share this reply with her and insist that she be truthful with you and her doctor. If she can't be open and talk about something like her genitals, reproductive system, and pain she's been feeling, then you guys shouldn't have had sex in the first place.
I hope that I've helped you guys out. That was my intention. If you need any further advice you can send me a message on Scarleteen.
Posts: 31 | From: North Carolina | Registered: Aug 2006
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Just a couple quick additions before I fly out the door:
1) It is beyond unlikely a gynecologist or sexual healthcare pro is going to let a male partner in the office, especially with younger people. Some of that is legal issues, some of that is appropriateness. (And it'd also be pretty unusual, in my experience, for a girl to feel better in that exam with a boyfriend there, especially when she's feeling sexual embarassment with the boyfriend already.)
2) Remember, too, that some women just don't plain like vaginal entry, vaginal fingering, or intercourse PERIOD. So, that's always a possibility, and no matter what is going on, making sure your girlfriend knows that there isn't anything wrong with her if that turns out to be the case is pretty important. Even if, in the long-term, that turns into a sexual compatibility issue for you -- that vagin al entry is so key to your sexuality that you need a partner for whom it is also key -- it's still important she knows that if it turns out when all this is sorted, that she just plain doesn't want or like this, she's as normal as anyone else, such as, say, men who just plain don't like or want anal entry or intercourse (which is a really apt comparison, and think about how many of those men you know).
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 66388 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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