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Author Topic: I can't feel a thing and it's kicking both of us
Mastermind
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I have a slight sex-related problem with my girlfriend.
We've been dating for some eight months now and having sex for about seven. By sex, I mean manual sex and oral sex for her. The problem is that while I've been able to make her orgasm almost every single time we've had sex, (Or at least so I've been told. Of course I don't know for sure, but she and my observations tell me so.) I myself haven't had any orgasms. Not even once.

It does annoy me to some extent, but I can live with it. But what am I going to answer my girlfiend when she asks "did it feel good?". I can't exactly answer the truth "I didn't feel a thing" either. Unfortunately we guys can't completely lie about it, ejaculations tell the story for us. Last night, after having sex like usual, (We lay face to face and I finger her while she jerks me, she orgasms and both stop.) she burst in tears because of it and I had to comfort her for several hours before she would calm down and believe that it wasn't such a big deal.

It's clear that continuing this way will bring nothing to either of us, but the problem is changing things. The logical person would say: "Stop having sex if it's such a fuss", but that sounds like extortion to me considering that so far she's enjoyed having sex despite the frustration. The problem is that I have a hard time changing things while avoiding coaxing her into something she doesn't want to do.

She keeps on talking of intercourse (which she is scared to death about) as the only possible solution. I have a hard time convincing her that she doesn't need to do it if she doesn't genuinely feel like it.

On the other hand, none of the other possibilities seem to be okay either.

Despite the fact that we've discussed about oral sex and I've regularly performed it on her, it seems to be too big of a taboo for her once we're there. Also, she doesn't seem to like the idea that we can take turns on manual sex instead of trying to please both simultaneously.

This leaves me at a dead end. What do you think, what should I do about this situation?

Posts: 10 | From: Northern Europe | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Are you reaching orgasm via your own masturbation?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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JamsessionVT
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What you need to do is be honest. It isn't her fault, and she needs to know that. You aren't doing her any favors by not telling her the truth.

(As a side note, though, ejculation and orgasm can happen seperately. So you can orgasm, and not ejaculate, and vica versa. They just tend to happen together)

Can you orgasm when you masturbate (assuming you do)? If so, nothing is physically wrong, you just need to figure out what DOES feel good. Instead of doing things at the same time, like you are doing now, spend some time on just yourself, and then just her. That way all your attention is on one person. It'll be easier for her to respond to you if that is where to focus is.

And intercourse IS NOT the only solution. It isn't even a solution in the first place. What would it solve? What would be accomplished by having intercourse? As long as there is nothing physicall y hindering you from having an orgasm, than it's just a matter of figuring out what works and what doesn't.

(mindmeld!)

[ 08-27-2006, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: JamsessionVT ]

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Abbie
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Mastermind
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quote:
Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
Are you reaching orgasm via your own masturbation?

I don't masturbate when we're together, but when I do masturbate I do orgasm.
Posts: 10 | From: Northern Europe | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mastermind
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quote:
Originally posted by JamsessionVT:
What you need to do is be honest. It isn't her fault, and she needs to know that. You aren't doing her any favors by not telling her the truth.

That's basically what I've been saying the whole time. It's just that she thinks I'm lying to her when I'm telling her it isn't her fault..
quote:


(As a side note, though, ejculation and orgasm can happen seperately. So you can orgasm, and not ejaculate, and vica versa. They just tend to happen together)

I know. But I also know that it's rather rare and I know for a fact that It hasn't happened to me.
quote:

Can you orgasm when you masturbate (assuming you do)?

Yes.
quote:

If so, nothing is physically wrong, you just need to figure out what DOES feel good. Instead of doing things at the same time, like you are doing now, spend some time on just yourself, and then just her. That way all your attention is on one person. It'll be easier for her to respond to you if that is where to focus is.

That's what I've tried to explain to her, but she seems to think sex should be mutual and simultaneous. Why, I know not.
quote:

And intercourse IS NOT the only solution. It isn't even a solution in the first place. What would it solve? What would be accomplished by having intercourse? As long as there is nothing physicall y hindering you from having an orgasm, than it's just a matter of figuring out what works and what doesn't.

I think I said that too. Also, I'm trying to explain to her that she doesn't need to do anything for me which she doesn't want to, nor is she in any way abnormal or stupid just because she can't get me to orgasm with this particular technique. She has all kinds of weird misconceptions of sex (I'm her first one) which I have to debunk all the time. I blame Sex and the City.
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Heather
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Okay, here's a suggestion then: how about you both mutually masturbate together or by taking turns?

You can do that at the same time, and she can watch what YOU do (which also tends to be pretty darn arousing for a lot of folks).

Too, she'll need to let go of the idea that partnered sex means both partners doing and being done to at the exact same time. Not only does that not work for everyone (it can be pretty hard sometimes to be attentive to a partner when you're being stimulated, too), it rarely works for those for whom it DOES all the time.

Too, can you have a discussion about taking the pressure to orgasm OFF of you? Because the pressure to orgasm -- and provide a partner self-validation via them getting you there -- is a HUGE orgasm inhibitor. It's also likely a far bigger reason for the strain on your relationship than the simple fact that right now, sex together isn't working for you. That too, is going to sap a lot of the enjoyment out of things for you both.

(P.S. It sounds like you're handling this REALLY well, abd being an incredibly considerate partner. Kudos to you.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mastermind
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quote:
Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
Okay, here's a suggestion then: how about you both mutually masturbate together or by taking turns?

I think suggestion number two might do the trick, because I think this could develop into a major confidence issue if she can't have a proper chance prove to herself that yes, she can.
quote:

You can do that at the same time, and she can watch what YOU do (which also tends to be pretty darn arousing for a lot of folks).

Sounds like an idea. I'm not so sure about it though, because I've noticed that she seems to find the look of my organ intimidating.
quote:

Too, she'll need to let go of the idea that partnered sex means both partners doing and being done to at the exact same time. Not only does that not work for everyone (it can be pretty hard sometimes to be attentive to a partner when you're being stimulated, too), it rarely works for those for whom it DOES all the time.

I've noticed, and I think she has too. Usually while I'm just about getting her there she just holds my piece until she remembers she has it in her hand and jerks it furiously, which is actually somewhat counterproductive since it's uncomfortable.
quote:

(P.S. It sounds like you're handling this REALLY well, and being an incredibly considerate partner. Kudos to you.)

I try my best.
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Heather
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quote:
I think this could develop into a major confidence issue if she can't have a proper chance prove to herself that yes, she can.
Here's the thing, though: in one respect, that's sound, but in another, it's really unhealthy, all around. OUR pleasure/orgasm should be about INTIMACY when with a partner, not about them needing to prove something to us or themselves.

So, that's something else I'd suggest you try and do some talking about. If she's got esteem issues with herself or with sex, she is going to need to handle them in a different, more productive and less sexually DEstructive way.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kluekozyte
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A lot of good advice has already been given, but maybe I can add a little bit to the topic as a guy who has been in a similar situation.

First of all, I feel like there is an assumption that many people make (guys and girls) that manual sex on a guy is the easiest thing in the world, but when my girlfriend and I began to be intimate I learned very quickly that doing it to yourself and having it done to you are two very different things, mainly because the person performing manual sex can't tell what feels good, (which, for me, and I think probably most people of both sexes as well, is a pretty subtle thing.)

The solution for me was mutual masturbation (as Miz S suggested). Masturbating in front of her was not only much more exciting than doing it by myself (for obvious reasons), she enjoyed watching, and she got a chance to watch what I did. From there the next step was (is there a name for this?) taking turns stimulating me manually. Often I would get myself close to orgasm and she would finish the job, which generally made everybody pretty happy: I got to orgasm, she got the enjoyment out of making me orgasm, and she didn't have to do all the hard work of getting me there. It wasn't long before she was making me orgasm without any help from me at all, except for (this is important) verbal assistance (i.e. that feels good, keep going, faster, I'm getting close, etc.)

I don't mean to suggest that this is a cure-all that will work for everybody every time, but I thought you might be interested to hear how someone else dealt with a similar issue.

Now that that's out of the way a few more words of advice: first of all, the spice of sex is variety; it might be easy to do the same thing every time, and I think a lot of couples fall into that routine, but it's more fun to change things up every once and a while. Second, don't try to do everything all the time at the same time. It's nearly impossible. Why not pleasure her, and after orgasm, let her concentrate on you? (By the way, I learned that girl then guy is generally a better order than guy then girl so you don't have to worry about semeny fingers near the vagina).

I hope that helped a little bit, and good luck to you and your girlfriend. I also want to echo Miz Scarlet and say that you sound like you are handling this very sensitively and unselfishly which is always good to see.

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Mr. Matthew
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quote:
kluekozyte says: A lot of good advice has already been given, but maybe I can add a little bit to the topic as a guy who has been in a similar situation.
That makes three of us, and I'm sure there are many others.

It is difficult for many men to have someone else bring them to orgasm. My situation with my first serious girlfriend, in 1966, was exactly the same as yours Mastermind. I could help her, but it wouldn't work for her to do the same for me. Still, I loved the time we spent together. It wasn't frustrating, it was thrilling, and her touching me felt great. I didn't feel like I was suffering.

At the time I thought of masturbating and having her watch, but I was much too inhibited. If you can do that then that would probably make your friend feel better. You could even have her be involved, even if only it's with hugs and kisses if that would feel good to you.

Your friend wants you to have pleasure too. She even talks of intercourse though she's scared to death of it. It's the old adage: It's feels better to give than to receive. It's so nice of her to care about you that much. And it's nice of you to try to reassure her that you are okay, and that you don't want her to rush to intercourse before the time is right for both of you.

You're wonderful people. Be creative and you'll find ways that are good for both of you.

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Mastermind
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It's me here again, with the same problem. I've tried all suggestions so far, but none of them seems to really work.

At least by this point I've managed to prove that sex is mainly something that happens inside your head.

The main problem is the following: I have a problem with sequential manual sex, because I simply don't find it arousing enough. I'm one of those guys who get a kick out of seeing a girl on the verge of an orgasm, so just having my girlfriend "work" on me feels a bit to mechanical for my taste.

Mutual masturbation then again doesn't work on my girlfriend all too well because - well - she hasn't practiced enough. I was also amazed when I heard this, but it really appears that I know her sweet spots better than she does. Also it seems as though full enjoyment requires me being an active participant in the process of getting there.

We've kind of hit a dead end here. The stupidest thing about this all is that I don't really care that much about this issue as such, but more about the self-esteem issue it creates in my girlfriend. Anyhow, I'd really appreciate advice on what to do.

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Leabug
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You've already had a lot of great advice from men here, so I'm not going to bother repeating things they've already said.

Your girlfriend actually sounds quite a bit like me with my boyfriend when we first began experimenting with sex, back in high school. I was rather afraid of touching his penis, wasn't particularly fond of the look of it either... but it really did help when he literally sat me down and showed me what he does to himself that feels good. He literally took my hand, put it on himself in the position that feels best, and guided me through the whole experience. And boy was it a good feeling when I finally finished the deal all by myself after a few more attempts!

But you know, it might help to keep in mind that learning sex skills are just like learning skills for anything else... practise makes perfect!

Don't expect your first couple of tries with new things to happen just like they do in the movies... just keep it up, keep encouraging her (and it sounds like you're doing a great job of it thus far!), and she will eventually learn your sweet spots as well as you've learnt hers. [Smile]

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Lea

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-J-
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Mastermind, I think you are way too distracted with the whole deal of trying to make something happen. It just sounds too mechnical. Almost like there are too many rules involved and your body is not free to enjoy the mutual feelings of loving each other. Seems like you need to just let go of the rules and objectives of having an orgasm, and begin a loving relationship of gentle kissing and caressing. Touching because it feels good and not to produce some results would be a good direction. She has to feel comfortable with her body and with yours. You too! Take time to build the relationship on something besides orgasm, especially when you are not going to have intercourse.

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-J-

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