OKAY... how does one tell ones boyfriend that he is almost 18 and too freaking old to sleep with his momy? i really don't want to come off sounding like a bad girlfriend here, and that i'm not understanding, but i mean come on.... he is too old. but he's been pampered his entire life and he has no real responsibilty, when he was 16 he had the choice to get drivers ed or a trenchcoat and he picked the coat. hes guna be 18 in june and only has his permit. grr. point is, he's 17.. after him and i saw the grudge he had to sleep with his mom and sister for a week. tonight his parents told him another (true!) story about the ghost that lives in their house.. (no comment on this ghost stuff.) he says that he doesn't sleep well by himself and after something scary he feels safe with his parents.... awwe. not cute anymore. it's like he is 6! this is why parents don't let their 6 year old watch vampire movies n stuff... his parents didn't let him watch rated r movies till he was 15 years old. i mean.. wow.
*sorry if it sounds like i'm completely bashing on my boyfriend but, i can't help it. if anyone needs to ask me more questions about anything to better understand the situation then ask away! i am TIRED of his childish behaviors.*
okay, so you think he's a mama's boy. let's break this down into smaller pieces...
1. not everyone NEEDS to learn to drive a car. when you don't need to drive, ut you do have to walk in the cold,a trenchcoat ain't such a bad deal. I have a buddy who's 24 and has a permit. Another friend finally got her license at the age of 22. This issue you have with him is a mountain of a molehill. you can cut him slack here. he'll get around to driving if and when he's ready. besides, what's so bad about carpools? i used to ride public transit all the time till I moved to LA (and trust me, traffic blows -- he doesn't want my morning commute).
2. Some people are superstitious. Many people still believe strongly in ghosts. If this is his way of dealing with fear, then don't do anything to scare him. You can see 'The Grudge' with other friends and limit your movies with him to fluffy romantic comedies that won't scare the bejesus out of him. If you must watch scary movies with him, then work your way up to scary slowly. how aobut a nice suspense thriller? Or a horror movie so awful that it's impossible to take seriously.
3. If you really can't deal with him being a mama's boy, then maybe he's not the right guy for you. Otherwise, you should try to help him get on his feet a little.
i understand your reply but you don't know the whole story. everyone who knows him and knows me agrees. i'm not saying that everyone needs to learn to drive but he does. his mom doesn't like taking him everywhere. she does it cuz he's her son. but she tries to tell them to pay for his drivers ed. he didn't take it cuz he didn't wana pay for it. he WANTS his liscence. hes very irresponsible. and he's just a chicken. flat out. he isn't superstisoius (sp) but he does believe in ghosts and theres a difference. but still don't get me wrong. there is alot to him that nobody knows and it would be too long to explain it all here. i love him to death but it's just something that REALLY gets under my skin about him. he loves scary movies and he likes being scared. we want to watch scary movies together. but he's a baby. (not just my opinion. and don't attack me for saying it please.) i just want him to grow up he doesn't get that kind of help from anyone and he doesn't take it from me, he just takes it as critisism. and no i don't talk to him like i'm venting here, so there's no reason why he should feel like that. he just takes everything i say and switches it around and makes it seem like i'm saying something negative when i'm just trying to help. he's so complicated! :S
It sounds like you're doing more venting than asking for help. Have you tried confronting him calmly and openly about it? Asking him if maybe there is a reason he is doing these things, not just because everyone thinks he's lazy?
well i was looking for suggestions or maybe "i know somone whos like that.. blablabla is whut we did" or something. i DID already ask him about like everything. i asked why he picked a trenchcoat he said cuz he didn't care about driving yet. when i asked him why he doesn't take drivers ed now that he wants it he said "cuz my parents wont pay for it" and i asked, well why don't you? he said "cuz i don't want to spend my money on it". he's stingey with his money and very money hungry. i am venting but i'm still not getting anything i can use. i was talkin to a friend just tonight and she just suggested and asked everything i'd already done. i need like a farfetched idea if it works.. lol. anything!
Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2004
| IP: Logged |
you know, Fox Lover, i don't think that you are going to find the advice you are seeking on this forum. As Jamsession pointed out, it seems like you are more just using this thread to complain about aspects of your boyfriend's personality that irk you and you want some other people to chime in with "Yeah, what a loser!" or something. Which is odd to me since we are speaking about your boyfriend here.
If your boyfriend's disinterest in getting his driver's license for the time being and also his tendency to get freaked out by scary movies (lots of people do, of all ages) bothers you soooo much, then, like Gumdrop suggested, maybe you need to find someone else who doesn't possess these qualities.
I mean, what about your boyfriend DO you like? Obviously, there has to be a reason you decided to pursue a relationship with him, right? Are these things so pale in comparison to what you have brought to the board to discuss?
There are things about my boyfriend that I do not like but they are totally overshadowed by the things that i LOVE about him. I know that he feels the same way about me. We talk about these things. It takes a lot of trust and commitment to be able to talk to your loved one about things you do that irritate them. But it helps, and I think it's necessary as long as it isn't nagging or antagonizing. Part of being in a relationship involves learning to love and accept things about your partner that you may not like 100%. of course, i'm in no way saying that someone should accept the fact that their SO does drugs, cuts themself, intentionally hurts others, etc...** but i'm talking about the little, annoying things that don't actually harm us or them, but are just a part of who they are.
and if we can't accept those things as part of a much greater whole, then it may be the best thing to walk away and find someone else. this is just my opinion though.
** i just want to clarify this statement. i mean that if you are in a relationship with someone who has some serious problems, such as those i suggested, you shouldn't accept that as okay but instead try to help them or get them to the appropriate help. but getting so irritated at a partner because they have made a particular decision that really and truly only affects them in a non-negative way isn't helpful but more along the lines of controlling. that doesn't make much sense....eh.
[This message has been edited by gloworm (edited 11-17-2004).]
so then you are saying that the only time you would try to help your loved one get over a bump is when the bump is something huge like that? i do love my boyfriend and i do try to get over these things but i can't help what upsets me and what doesn't. he can and he doesn't try to do anything about it. and for the last time i'm not just venting i did want some kind of GOOD advice that would help me with talking to him because whenever i TRY to have that 'nice open trust' stuff with him he gets mad at me for being mad. it's not like i NAG at him but when i bring something to the table he never swallows it. so it comes up again and again no matter how small or how 'stupid' he thinks the problem is.
Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2004
| IP: Logged |
But maybe this isn't a bump he needs to get over, or at least, not yet. I'm 21, and I still don't have a driver's license. I'm perfectly content taking public transit and frankly, the thought of driving makes me ill, so I've turned down offers of having my folks pay for my driver's ed a number of times because I just don't feel ready.
Heck, I know a guy who's 25 and still sleeps with the light on after we've seen 28 Days Later and looked teary when I asked if he wanted to come see The Grudge with me. That doesn't stop him from occasionally enjoying scary movies; he has a method of coping that works for him.
However, both these choices are pretty personal decisions for your boyfriend to make. You can encourage him, but flatout 'wacky ideas' aren't going to do it. It's kind of like nagging someone endlessly to quit smoking; it's not really a choice anyone but them can make. Have you maybe asked yourself why it's so important for your boyfriend to change these things about himself? And if you have, and these are big issues for you, then perhaps this relationship isn't right for you, at this time.
I think the pertinent question here is a common one anyone in a couple needs to consider, which is this:
Can you accept the person you're dating as they are, give or take a few quirks that bug you now and then, or do you need many aspects of them to change for them to be acceptable?
Because if it's the latter, then really, most of the time, the best answer is to seek out someone who DOES fit your bill, pretty much as-is.
However valid or invalid certain complaints are, asking a lover or parter to change to please us, especially when we're talking about things like personal phobias or quirks, or the chice not to drive a car, is often pressing beyond the bounds of what's fair.
It's certainly reasonable to dislike things about a person, or find them to be incompatible. But some things -- like phobias -- aren't changeable and some things -- like not driving -- are matters of personal choice, which you can ask about a few times per reconsidering, but if the person is more comofrtable with ther choices as they are, the actions to be taken are yours, not theirs.
Miz Scarlet said what i was trying to say but made it make sense!
sure, we should always be willing and available to help our partners (and friends and other loved ones) with ANYTHING we can. but as Miz S said, it seems like the issues you have with your boyfriend are not really major "problems" but just some quirks of his personality that irritate you and not him. dear, no one means to attack you here, it just seems like you are expecting your boyfriend to act and be a certain way when he doesn't want to. i believe you when you say you love him but if issues that are this benign are causing such great strife between you, then i'm not sure how long you two can go on like that.
we have basically been together for a year, as an official couple. not there quite yet but it's creepin!
i have asked myself why i have issues with these things and i am not the only one who knows these things about him. but i'm the only one who ever tries to tell him about them so he always feels attacked by ME, then he starts talking about all my faults just to spite me. i can get over these things, it's just the fact that he refuses that anything could possibly be wrong with him. i don't mind if he doesn't drive, it's just that he thinks that since he turned it down when he could have have it but didn't want to, but NOW wants to and tries to con money out of his parents when they TOLD him, after this you will have to pay for it yourself. if he would just say heather i am sorry i realize and understand why you are upset, i see where you are coming from but i disagree, and this is why.. SOMEthing like that instead of just trying to backattack me cuz he feels irritable. he makes me feel bad for whutever i say i just wish we could have better and more effective conversations about issues, however big or small. i DO love him with all my heart i just at least want to know that he would be willing to do anything for me no matter whut. i wouldn't make him change, i don't try to, i just want to know he doesn't push everything like that away as any kind of resolution. or even just a thought. you know whut i mean? at least if i know that it would be comforting. he always says whut he doesn't mean and it makes me 2nd guess everything he says and i don't wana have to do that i just want more honesty with us.
If that's the real issue here, then what you just wrote above sounds exactly like what you need to say....to him.
But be ready to put your money where your mouth is: for instance, if he then explains to you why e does NOT want to drive or learn to now, you'd better be prepared to accept that and let it go, or else clear your plate to eat a LOT of crow.
quote:Originally posted by Miz Scarlet: [B]If that's the real issue here, then what you just wrote above sounds exactly like what you need to say....to him.
I have already.
quote:Originally posted by Miz Scarlet: [B] But be ready to put your money where your mouth is: for instance, if he then explains to you why e does NOT want to drive or learn to now, ...B]
He DOES want to drive! But he doesn't want to pay for it he wants his parents to. He just didn't want to when he had the chance for drivers ed, and now that he's changed his mind and wants it he can't GET drivers ed cuz his parents told him he has to pay for it himself.
not to keep adding "fuel to the fire", so to speak, but if your boyfriend says that he wants to drive but does not want to pay for it, then he probably really doesn't want to. because people will usually find a way to do what they really want. if it was really that important to him, don't you think he would find a way to make it work out?
listen, i understand this issue very well because my boyfriend's former roommate is 23 and does not drive. he goes to college 5 hours away from his family so if he ever wants to go home to visit they either have to come up and get him or he has to find a ride. his parents have never given him any indication that they do not want him to drive and have offered to teach him/help him get his license more times than one could count. his sister (20) has been driving since she was 16 and has her own car.
i know lots of adults that do not drive. unfortunately, i live in a state where the public transportation system is not as well-organized and great as those in larger metro areas. this guy lives close to campus so he can walk to class and also to the store and other places nearby. when my boyfriend lived with him, he would give him rides if it was convenient (this guy did not ask my boyfriend to cart him around town) and worked with my boyfriend's schedule. now, i can't imagine not being able to drive and go whenever and whereever at will (at least not in the city i live in-- i think if i lived in a larger metro area with good public transportation, it would be neat to not have to drive everywhere) but not driving is a choice this guy has made and he gets along just fine. and if the day comes that he decides he wants to drive, then i feel confident that he will come up with the means to do so.
so just accept the fact that, for the time being, your boyfriend is comfortable with not driving (despite what he may tell you otherwise) and if and when he wants to, he will.
I'll be 24 on Dec 1 and I don't drive. I have a full-time job and a young child and do volunteer work, so I'm perpetually busy, but I still don't drive. I get hounded and badgered about it all the time, and I give plenty of excuses -- I hate driving (I do), I don't have the money for lessons (I don't), I don't have time for lessons (I don't), getting a license wouldn't matter because I wouldn't be able to get a car anyway (I can't.) However, it all boils down to the simple fact that I have made a personal choice to not drive, and no one else is going to be able to change my mind.
The absolute worst thing you can do to try and get a non-driver to drive is try to nag them into learning how to drive. It's a battle you aren't going to win, so cut him a little slack -- 18 isn't ANCIENT in terms of whether or not one drives.
As for his other behavior that annoys you, I had a boyfriend like that. We'd have a fight, and he'd literally go cry to his mom. We'd see a scary movie, and he'd cry and suck his thumb and I'd have to cuddle him. He'd pout and whine and throw tantrums if he didn't get his way. I loved him, but I just couldn't STAND the way he acted -- baby talk just doesn't float my boat, and I'm not into crybabies -- so I finally just had enough of it and broke up with him. It took a lot of strength to not take him back when he'd show up at my door in tears or call me and just sob on the phone, but I didn't want to stay in the situation where my 20-year-old boyfriend (I was seventeen at the time) was acting like a two-year-old. I moved on, he moved on, and we're both a hell of a lot happier. He matured when he realized that the way he was acting wasn't going to fly with anyone but his mommy in the real world.
Why not? Because we take the time to answer these questions for free, and answering a question for one person provides information that can then both be there for everyone thereafter, and save us time and effort in answering the same question another time. In threads a user has started where others have participated, deleting them also removes their responses as well.
Moreover, it sets a precedent that isn't so hot: Scarleteen is NOT a funded organization, and deleting a user's posts takes valuable time.
In *some* scenarios (where, for instance a user may have valid personal safety concerns) we'll do it, but as a general rule, that is not something we will do.
What's your particular issue here?
------------------ We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
Right, this is just my opinion but i think your making a major deal out of nothing.
I mean, what is the massive rush to get a drivers licence anyway. Hes only 17/18 as you said. Maybe he doesnt have enough money for it just now or maybe he wants to use his money for something that he would like more? And for the sleeping with parents thing. Yeah it is a little babyish but you shouldnt grill him about it.Say you were gona watch a horror film say to him something like "Are you sure you want to watch this, and make him feel comfortable about it. Let him know he doesnt have to. Maybe hes just saying he likes them to impress you. Try something different and see how he copes with that. Anyway, He will eventually move out from his parents house (probably) so dont rush him. And if he argues with you just say, its beeter to get out of a habit before he leaves for good(if he does). Just remember, if you really love this guy you shouldnt care about where he sleeps, its nothing! If hes happy the rest of the time whats the problem? And the drivers licence, How old are you? It sounds like you really want him to get a drivers licence. It sounds like its just YOU that wants it the most. Just remember its his life and if your not happy with how he lives it then finish it before he gets hurt. Or you!
Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.