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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » fat fat fat, everywhere.

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Author Topic: fat fat fat, everywhere.
shirtsandgloves
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Doing my regular yoga routine thisafternoon when my mom walks into my room and grabs at my lower back. I naturally looked up and said something to the extent of, "er... mum? What the hell are you grabbing at?". She looked at me and said, "Min, sweetie, you're getting a little... fat. Maybe we should get you off the gross food and you can be thin and pretty again."

I am five feet ten inches tall and weigh a hundred and fifteen pounds. Friends ask me if I eat, and they make me eat around them to prove that I do. I'm not exactly tiny, for some reason, the weight has settled in the right places, I've got a 36c bust and a.... rotund rear end... but I'm also a recovering anorexic. At my worst, I was five nine and weighed a hundred and one pounds (that was during the musical last year, I was only a freshman AND i was the lead, and I coped by getting unnaturally thin.) Yes, I went to counselling... but I almost WANT to relapse. I was so beautiful when I was thin..

What do I do?


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Heather
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Here's a newsflash, love. It is literally impossible to be "fat" at your height and weight. In fact, as-is, you're well below healthy weight on standard weight charts (by a good 15-20 pounds).

Here's another one: 15 pounds? That's nothing. If you are honestly seeing a marked difference at all between 100 and 115, not to mention a big difference, that means you're dealing with serious body dysmorphia, still. Because at both weights, you're still underweight. So the difference in beauty you're seeing? That's all in your head -- whatever you weigh, chances are you'll still think you want less, and at a certain point, one you're already very close to, you cannot lose any more without becoming profoundly ill long-term and short-term -- you know this stuff.

Sounds to boot like your mother has the same problem (which isn't a shocker -- a great majority of girls with EDs end up with them because of messages by their dysmorphic female family members, esp. mothers).

For real, someone needs to have a talk with your mother. She may need some counseling herself, but she certainly needs to STOP projecting her own dysmorphia unto you. That just isn't okay. I'm not in the habit on ragging on parents here, but that sort of approach is truly destructive and is just crappy parenting.

You don't want to relapse. You have to live in the body you have your whole life, and the effects of being ED will show up and be irreversible none too long from now when your body can't recoup as quickly.

Might also want to ask yourself too if you really (should you choose to parent) want to be the mother passing the same crap down to YOUR daughter 20 years from now.

Think about it.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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Shann2002
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You are 5'10 and 115lbs. You are an inch taller and 15lbs. smaller than I am. Maybe you should explain to your mother that her comment may have hurted your feelings. Besides, it is natural to have some fat on your body. We can't have 0% fat in our bodies. Our brains are made of fat, in fact. Tell her that you feel fine and look beautiful the way you are. Just be honest and tell your mom how you feel.
I looked up the ideal weight for someone your height and size. You are actually below it by 15-25lbs. Well, I hope that this helps. Good luck.

[This message has been edited by Shann2002 (edited 03-03-2003).]


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shirtsandgloves
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Thanks for the input, guys... my mom is very, very thin, yes, but she's extremely beautiful. I've got choppy blonde hair with highlights, really short, kind of big boobs, and not so nice skin, and a big, stupid looking grin. She just likes to kid around with me. But thanks for the input, I never knew I was underweight.

xx.


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Heather
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The thing is, it's your Mom's place, and your doctors, to tell you that. If you've been in counseling for an ED, it seems unlikely to me that no one has mentioned this to you. If they really haven't, something has gone pretty terribly wrong.

Beauty is as beauty does. I'm not just saying that: it is absolutely the truth. That's not to say it's all on the inside or that it has to be: there is indeed physical beauty in the world, and it's fine to appreciate it.

But when it all circulates around an idea, especially one that doesn't take your health or well-being into account -- like being as thin as one possibly can, or that thinness must automatically equal beauty, that ain't beauty. That's shallow ideal and artifice because it's not paying any heed or recognition to who you are as a whole person.

Your mother may be physically beautiful or fit certain ideals, but the kind of "kidding" she's subjecting you to -- while perhaps she doesn't even realize what she's doing, or she's so dysmorphic herself she can't see it -- isn't light or funny and it's the kind of thing you simply do not do to someone recovering from an ED and who is dealing with severe dysmorphia. You see what that remark did to you in suddenly wanting to relaspe. It isn't harmless at all.

When you're describing yourself, take a look at what you've posted -- all of what you've said is about parts. Not about a whole person, not about who you are, not about what all of those parts make together. That's a very distorted view of yourself.

If you did get counseling for the ED before, I'd either suggest you go back or find a new counselor. One who perhaps can also bring your mother into the picture and help both of you see what's going on here, because some of what you've described here is going to keep you from being happy, from being whole, and from seeing who you really are, physically and emotionally.

I'm also willing to bet you aren't the only one in your family with either an ED or body dysmorphia.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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DiamondGirl2K
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Sometimes I really wish I was thin. My mother and my grandmother tell me that I should lose a little weight. But see my mother is really thin--she's underweight even. See I know that I'm overweight anyway because I'm 5 ft 0 and I weight 140. I want to lose a good 15-20 lbs because I believe I am truly fat. I tried the calculator and I believe it said my ideal weight is 106-126 or sumthing like that. I might be a little off. So I'm wondering where's a good nutrionist so I can get started on a diet before the summertime.

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*DiamondGirl*
~N~
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9/27/01
Still Going Strong!!!
Forever and Always!!!

[This message has been edited by DiamondGirl2K (edited 03-03-2003).]


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Heather
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Know what a good nutritionist will tell you?

Dieting is not smart or effective, especially if you are already a healthy weight.

If you're eating crap all of the time: lots of snack or processed foods, not enough whole foods, fruits and vegetables, then yes, changing your diet will not only likely keep you at a healthy weight -- whatever is best for your body -- but it'll keep you healthy, period.

If it's getting in shape you're after, it's a simple thing: you eat healthfully, get enough rest, and you get exercise and activity each day.

Everybody's body is different. Weight charts are actually made by insurance companies for their own purposes (for instance, Diamond, a lot of female Olympic gymnasts are both petite in stature and weigh in WELL above what a weight chart will usually show because they are packed with muscle, not because they're unhealthy). Your doctor can be of help in looking at your health, your body frame and type and your lifestyle habits in letting you know if you need to change things.

But gals, you have got to hear this: the quest to "be thin" for the sake of being thin is not a healthy thing unless your body type is meant to be thin. Some folks are. But in the same vein, some are not. So, your height and weight cannot tell you you're overweight or unhealthy, and certainly can't tell you if you're beautiful or happy. In working with and talking to a lot of women over the years recovering from EDs and dieting scams (or diets forced on them by their families) one of the biggest things I often hear is how shocked some of them are when they get to an "ideal" level of thin to find they still feel like the same person, and they're still unhappy with themselves. Big shock, there.

So, if you feel you are under or over a good wight for your health and well-being, talk to your doctor. If you feel your eating habits aren't as good as they should be, you can see a nutritionist. And if you feel you are unhappy solely because of how you look, stay the hell away from Jenny Craig (she makes millions of dollars a year off of enough people's encouraged misery as it is, she doesn't need more). See a therapist or counselor if that's really the case. or do things to MAKE you happy with yourself: go for a run or a walk. Pick up a volunteer job at an animal shelter or Habitat for Humanity. Hang out with your friends. Write a novel, compose a symphony. Have a LIFE. Do meaningful, enriching things.

But drop the cult of imposed thinness. In case you haven't noticed, it is literally killing people and making an awful lot of lives into really shallow, empty things.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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Heather
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Juat an FYI while I'm thinking about it: continuing to talk about weight loss and thinness when someone with an ED is needing support is really uncool.

Not suggesting it's intentional, but stop and think about it, folks, before you do it. Maybe even stop and think about how ALL the constant focus on this and the constant negative messages effect ALL of us.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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Milke
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Dieting, while ineffective at its intended purpose, is part of one of the biggest industries/scams ever. Think about it; if you can convince someone that something that's a natural part of their body is a problem you can sell them something over and over again, especially if you can convince them that it's *their* fault that *your* solution isn't working. So, do realise that every time you look at something that's trying to convince you to change your body, whether it's a drug, exercise video, or even a catalogue full of cookie-cutter models, you're dealing with something that's out to take your money, and that's all. Don't fall for it. I realise this is getting somewhat off topic, but I think it can be important to realise that a lot of what we look at as just part of our reality is actually someone else's creation -- and it's not one that's there to benefit us.

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Milke, with an L, SSBD, RATS, TMNTP

Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost


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glitter695
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Today I went to my trainer to get my Resting Metabolic Rate. It was 1240. So My trainer gave me a 1200 calorie diet to follow so I can get to my goal weight, which is 105. I am 117 now. I'm not fat, I just need some toning up. I don't know if I should do that 1200 calorie diet. My dad said for a girl my age (19), and for not being over weight its not enough calories for me. Does anyone have any thoughts on this. Should I be eating more or should I just follow the meal plans? I mean I don't know if my trainer is right here. He should know what is best for me, but I'm just not sure.

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Milke
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Again, darlin', you're buying a product, and that's all. If the food you eat is wholesome, healthy, and enough to fuel you, that's what matters, not that it has a specific amount of calories in it. Remember, though, as Miz Scarlet pointed out, we're talking about eating disorders, body image that's poor to the point of being deadly, and how things like that came to be here, NOT advice on weight loss.

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Milke, with an L, SSBD, RATS, TMNTP

Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost


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Heather
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No, that is certainly NOT enough calories for someone who is still growing, especially if you're training.

And again, folks, please? This thread started with a poster being very clear that she is a recovering anorexic.

What you do NOT do, out of courtesy, and in support of someone trying to get past an ED is keep talking about dieting and food and calories and thinness and goal weights. It's unkind and it's destructive, to everyone, but especially to folks trying to get past an ED.

To drive it home, if you had a friend who was a recovering alchoholic, would you sit in front of them, with a beer in your hand, and talk about the beer obsessively? How it tasted, how you like this other beer better, how great beer is, how maybe you should get a beer down the street instead tomorrow? Not likely. Same diff. Please.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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