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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » How to tell him

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Author Topic: How to tell him
Member # 3741

Icon 4 posted      Profile for TifaStrife     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I've been in a steady and emotionally strong relationship with my boyfriend since last April. He's about a year and a half younger than me, but that hasn't really bothered either of us. He knows I've had relationships in the past, and I know that I'm his first girlfriend AND real crush. But I have not yet told him that I am not a virgin.

Thing is, we've been getting more and more physical, and although sex is still a long way off, we're very vocal to each other about our beliefs and expectations, and I feel I should tell him that I'm not a virgin sometime soon.

I'm completely free of any STDs (I've been tested four times, three since I last slept with my ex). I take birth control pills and plan to use both spermicide and condoms, and in case all fails, I have easy access to emergency contraception, so I feel pretty prepared in that respect.

NOT telling him is not an option for me, because I love him so much I couldn't do that. And I respect myself more than to lie just to get him to make love to me.

I can't make excuses for my previous experience. I was quite willing and ready, both emotionally and physically, and my experience was actually rather positive, a rarity for first timers. So I can't say I was raped or pressured or led astray or whatever.

I personally have no hangups about being the more experienced one. I find it quite a new and exciting thing to teach him what it's like to be in a relationship.

But I'm afraid of how he'll react to the fact that I've had sex before. He's been anxious about my previous relationships and for good reason (BOTH my exes seem to have developed a habit of bugging me to try to get me back. It doesn't work, but it's a pain in the ass. Especially when they do annoying stuff in front of him and others.) but even then he says he knows I'm his and love him deeply and that he trusts me.

I really want to know when and how I should tell him, and if a girl's virginity is that important to a guy. I'm reading back everything I've written so far and it seems like I have nothing to worry about, my boyfriend obviously loves and trusts me at a level unheard of for his age (16, and yes, it's legal where I live). I guess I just feel I have so much to lose, and I at least want to get my confidence up for when I do tell him.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Posts: 37 | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3746

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Hey Tifa (I like the name btw, very nice )
I thought maybe a guy's perspective might help you out a little here. You say you've been in this relationship for about a year and a half now, and that you're emotionally strong. Just from that piece of information, I would think that mentioning this to him is quite safe. I commend your desire for honesty here, many people would not make the choice you did.
As far as making excuses for your previous experience, I don't think that's necessary or right. As you said, it was a positive experience. That's part of who you are, and no one has the right to judge you.
The only potential issue I see here is if he has assumed that you have not had sex before. In this case, it could be a little tougher, but if you're both willing to sit down and discuss it maturely, it really shouldn't be a problem.

"A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey"
"We're all here cuz we're not all there"

Posts: 52 | From: Usually somewhere between MI & FL - currently KY | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 6511

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You two sound close. Ask him what he thinks of virginity & sexual experience.
Scarleteen has a good section about the virginity concept.
Practice Safer Sex

Posts: 113 | From: Puyallup, WA, USA | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3741

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Well, ah, when I said we've been together since last April, I meant the April we just passed five months ago. Sorry about that, I tend to jumble my words. But all the same, I see what you're saying.
Posts: 37 | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 9987

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I believe in honesty. I think that both partners should always be open about their past relationships/sexual partners. I can't speak for your boyfriend, but I would be happier knowing you told me, than to find out that you didn't. But hey thats just me
Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 5375

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Well, it sounds like someone really has things together. Good for you!

As far as telling him about your past sexual history it's not something I would lose much sleep over since it sounds as if the two of you are communicating well. Try bringning it up the next time you're discussing sex together.

Perhaps reading these articles together will get the conversation headed in the right direction:
Ready or Not? The Readiness Checklist

First Intercourse 101

One thing that did catch my eye was your plan to use spermicide. It's not something we recommend. The KittenGoddess just explained why:

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 7667

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You might start the conversation something like, "Because of the facts of STDs in the world, we need to talk about our sexual histories" Tell him what you have to say and let him say whatever he has to say. Make sure that if he tells you something unexpected about himself, not to be judgemental as you don't want him to judge you.

We are starstuff, we are the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out

Posts: 126 | From: Ferndale, Mi USA | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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