I don't know what's going on here, but I need to get this out of my head and get some other opinions.
I've been with my boyfriend for well over thirteen months now and we have an excellent relationship. It's all very loving and affectionate and caring. He's very supportive of me and has never ever put any pressure on me to do anything I don't want to do. He's altogether wonderful.
It's been over a year and for a long time we've been talking about sex. He's made it clear to me that he wants to, but only when I feel ready and comfortable with it. I've wanted to do this for a VERY long time, but there's something holding me back. It has nothing to do with him because we've talked about it and he's going to be very gentle and supportive of me. We're both virgins and we want to make this kind of special, in a way.
It's the pain that's scaring me. I know that some girls don't even experience pain at all and it's different for everyone, but the idea of it really scares me. Some girls I've talked to tell me that their first time was horribly painful and that they were crying the whole time and even screaming in pain. I'm sure that must be very exaggerated, but that whole story just kind of scared me out of it. I don't know.
I feel so silly because I really want to have sex with him, but this fear always seems to just get in the way. It's gotten so bad that in the anticipation I've been completely unable to relax or get aroused at all. Kind of like performance anxiety.
We've come close to going through with it on several occasions, but just before it's about to happen I stop him and push him away. I've been incredibly fortunate that he's been so understanding about this, but I end up feeling very disappointed about it. This is something I really want to do, if only I can get over my silly fear of the pain.
Has anyone else gone through this? Does anyone have any ideas of how to effectively get over this?
Smile, though your heart is breaking....
My crazy little universe....
"Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there....
With open arms and open eyes...."