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Author Topic: am i?
Member # 4031

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I am 17 years old and throughout my life I have always had female role models...many of them were like Bette Midler or Mae West strong, funny, kick-butt women. I would put them on pedestals and obsess over them day in and day out. There have been many role models like this ranging from old fashioned movie stars to everyday people. They are always about in their 30s (even if they aren't now i.e. Mae West) or so when I "discover" them and thus begins my obsession. I obsess over them by wanting to be around them all the time or look at them all the time or watch them (I'm a people watcher, in other words you take me to McDonalds and I will read lips and stare...I'm so nosy). Anyway...I have NO, repeat NO sexual thoughts about these or any other women. It really sickens me to think of anything of the sort. And I have had many relationships with men in the past. I have sexual thoughts about men but never of women. However there are random women that I will get extremely attached to and I always thought that it was for 2 reasons...1)because ever since my parents divorced I was my mom's mom and I had no REAL mother figure and was looking for one (many of the "everyday" women look similar to my mother) and 2)because I wanted to be like them or have some of their qualities because they were just so different and cool or easy to admire... I still believe both. Number 2 is what I often feel though. Please help!!!
Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 4007

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Starlight starbright,

From one self-professed people watcher to another :~)

I am not all that certain what your post was about but I can tell you that though I am male and a bit older than yourself, I could recognize alot of myself in your post.

You ask "Am I..." but you never finished the question. I could make some inferences though if you'd like.

"...homosexual for having these thoughts?" The answer to that is nope. Your sexual orientation is personal and depends solely on you. It is neither good nor bad, only right for who you are. Since you states so profusely that you have no sexual thoughts about other women, then you have no need to worry. I would however, take some time to introspect on why homosexuality is sickening to you. It is yet just one more aspect of human sexuality. It may not be right for you, but it is right for others.

" nosy?" Naw... It is fun watching people in public. That is why it is called "public" and not "private." I would be careful though as some DO tend to think it is rude behavior and will become aggitated. Besides, as a people watcher, the ones that know you are watching act different than they would otherwise and that's no fun at all. As long as you respect people's right to privacy, have fun with your hobby.

"...normal?" Because you have female role models and try to emulate them? Of course you are! They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Sadly, I think there is too few role models in today's society. If there are some women out there (or men even)that you think have outstanding qualities, there is nothing wrong with trying to assimulate those traits. Just remember to always respect your role model's right to privacy.

However, there are two things that I would like to bring up. The 1) first is your use of the word "obsession." I can't tell exactly how you mean it. Is preoccupied perhaps a better term where something is constantly on your mind (which is normal - everyone become preoccupied with something or other), or do you find yourself doing things that either you don't want to do or don't understand why you are doing them. Obessions and/or compulsions are an entirely different matter.

2) I want you always to remember that you are your own person. Because of this, you will never become exactly like your role models, but this is a GOOD thing. You are a unique and wonderful individual. The best advice I can give is "To you own self be true."

10 points if you can you tell me who the paraphrase is from! ;~)


Some would call me a rebel, but I am just no good at it... I can't seem to conform to that image.

Recently I signed up for a self-help course in procrastination... but I haven't attended yet. The introduction meeting keeps getting rescheduled.

Received a fortune in a cookie once. It read: "Those who are dropped on their heads are doomed to wander their lives in a state of confusion." I am still working to figure that one out.

Posts: 11 | From: Saginaw, MI, USA | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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It seems to me like the two reasons you give are quite prossibly correct, especially since you came up with them yourself. How much does your fixation with these women really upset your life? Do you do things that may not be helpful, or even harmful to yourself because of your desire to be like them? If so, then maybe you should consider talking to a professional about why you form these attachments. However, wanting to emulate someone that you admire because they are strong and successful doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing- it may be that you yourself are a strong person destined for success, and you feel a resonance with these women because you see yourself in them.

If you do feel that your fixation on these women is too strong and impinging on your sense of identity, then maybe an idea is to sit down for a little while and sort out some things that you really like for yourself that is not connected with any of them. For instance, is there are certain type of fiction that you really like? Is there a sport that you're involved in, or would like to have a go at? Are there any causes that you would like to help out with? Any of these and more could provide you with a bit of respite, allowing you to confirm your sense of identity without these role models, if that's what you want to do.

As a side note, I don't think that anyone would have thought that your attachment to these women was sexual unless you had specifically said that it was, but honestly, someone mistaking your sexual orientation for a little bit isn't that bad a thing- certainly nothing to be scared of, especially with the accepting bunch here at Scarleteen. No one would try to force you into a sexual identity anyway- only you can know if you're straight, gay, bi or whatever else- and even if you weren't straight, it would be possible for you to have non-sexual fixations on people of the same gender. So don't worry, okay?

Posts: 2710 | From: Australia | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2254

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I have a wonderful relationship with my mother, and I'm similarly "preoccupied" with one of my professors. She is almost everything that I want to be. She's working in my field, she's incredibly intelligent, a loving mother, an enthusiastic teacher. She's sympathetic and personable and well liked by almost everyone. She has a readily apparent love of life. She makes mistakes. She's patient and tolerant and very honest. She's fun loving and hard-working. She's beautiful. She loves animals. She's unfailingly curious about the world. She is with out a doubt the best thing I have gotten from my college education.

Now, I felt this way since my first few classes with her in Intro Psych. Intro Psych is the biggest class on campus--60 students! And I was...and am...preoccupied. Infatuated. I wanted to spent time around her. Watching her and listening to her makes me feel good. Just knowing she's near by makes me feel good. I want to know all about her life. I know her dog's name and I can spot her car from many dozens of meters away. I have dreams about her--quite a few of them! I often find myself thinking about her for no reason at all. It's a little like being in love with someone, except without the sexual/romantic part. Is this how you feel?

These feelings worried me for a long while, and maybe you're feeling some of the things that I did. I felt I was unusual. I felt that my feelings were inappropriate. I felt that I was only making myself unhappy, because Professor Harley could never feel the same way about me. I worried that I would embarass her. I felt that I was embarassing myself.

I don't often feel like that any more. What I did was continue to spend time around her, and talk to her about my concerns. I told her that I felt strange about thinking about her so much, and asked her if it was distracting or embarassing that I stared at her so intently in class and sometimes showed up at her office for no special reason. She said no, it wasn't a problem, it isn't at all unusual, it's flattering, please don't worry about it. She said that she likes me too.

Now it's two years since those intro psych classes, and I've gotten to know Heidi more as a real person. I still adore her. I still like to spend time with her, and happily, I've been able to. I think we're developing a healthy relationship, both as people with common interests and respect for each other, and as a professor and student both deeply interested in similar areas of research. I can finally enjoy the fact that I feel a special attraction to a wonderful person!

Now, obviously (and unfortunately!) you can't wander over and strike up a heart-to-heart talk with Mae West. However, you said there are real women that you get attached to, and my advice is that you talk to them. Introduce yourself if they don't know you. Be very polite! Tell them one or two of the things that you admire about them. Tell them that you consider them role-models. Tell them that you would like to spend time with them in whatever capacity happens to be appropriate. Take it slowly--you don't have to spill everything allat once--but don't be afraid. If you're attracted to someone, there's probably a good reason for it, and if you pursue that attraction with grace and honesty, you might develop a valuable relationship, and at the very least, you'll learn some things about yourself!

Posts: 257 | From: Sarasota, FL | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 4031

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I just wanted to say thank you for all three of your responses, they have helped me very much. All three of you were very insightful and gave me things to think about. Thank you. I just want to clear one thing up, I didn't mean that I find homosexuality sickening (I have quite a few gay friends and several lesbian friends). I only meant that thinking of myself in a sexual relationship with another woman was sickening to me. Forgive me if that still didn't come out right. Anyway, Eclipse I loved how you wrote from personal experience! It is VERY similar to 2 teachers that I became close with last year. We go out to eat and to the theatre together because we share these interests. Your writing from experience REALLY helped me think about things. That I'm not such an unusual case like I thought that I was. Thank you. All three of you...
Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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