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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » My best friend wants to have sex w/ someone but she doesn't love him!

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Author Topic: My best friend wants to have sex w/ someone but she doesn't love him!
AshleyInABottle
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Ok, this is kinda a long story. My best friend has recently told me that she wants to have sexual intercourse (her first time) with this guy that she likes (he likes her too, but they're not together) and she's 17 and he's 21. This is very frustrating for me, and it hurts because I am very worried about her. One reason is, we've both been raised to believe that sexual intercourse is to be saved for marriage (you know.. "Save yourself for who God saved for you" type thing)..and lately our virgin friends have been dropping like flies (they're having sexual intercourse, in other words). I think it's all just influencing her, and she wants to "feel like everyone else." She wrote me a letter, and told me I was wrong about that, and she also said, "I know you're going to kill me..because I do not love him." This sent me over the edge..for obvious reasons! And she also said that she is not worried about STD's (why, I'll never know). I don't want her to do this..but I know I can't stop her. I could talk to her all I want, but it won't work. I tried saying to her "You SHOULD be worried! Hell, I'm not even having sex until marriage..and before I do it with my husband, we're getting tested..I don't care if he's the healthiest man alive!" She does not plan on being tested OR having the guy get tested. I mean this is all bad enough that she's going to throw her virginity away and waste it on someone she doesn't love..but the fact that she's being ignorant about it, is frustrating! I don't want to see her get pregnant (she's already on birth control..she's been on it for acne), I don't want to see her get a disease, and I don't want to see her emotionally fall apart if she regrets it. I don't know how to stop her. She made me promise not to tell anyone, so I can't do that. Can someone please help me before my best friend makes one of the biggest mistakes of her life?

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"I do what my rice krispies tell me to do"


Posts: 156 | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Really, the best thing you could do is forget about your judgement right now, send her here and give her a package of condoms and lube and simple say what is the truth here: "IT's your choice to make as is best for you, but dying at 20 can't be best for you. Use a condom or don't ask me to care."

I know that sounds harsh, but I think a lot of us as adults would look back at our early sexual experiences and see that we don't think we really DID love whom we were with as we understand it now. That is her choice to make.

However, even the best sex isn't worth dying for, let alone a ten-minute first time quickie with an adult who is likely just using her because he can (and probably because women his own age think he's an idiot). The most important thing is that if she DOES do this that she do it responsibly.

And if she refuses you, to be plain, you can't help someone who is hell-bent on destroying themselves, much as that stinks, but you can do your best to help them help themselves. I say that from experience -- look at one weeks worth of questions at Ask a Sexpert, and you'll see what I mean.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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quote:
and lately our virgin friends have been dropping like flies (they're having sexual intercourse, in other words)

sounds like the "Ten Little Indians" to me. One by one, they all go. I played that game with my circle of friends, kept counting who was next. Turns out I was last to go. But doesn't mean there's anything wrong with being the last one standing. It's kinda cool, actually.

Back to what you actually were asking about, though. He sounds like he's exploiting her. I, for one, seriously disapprove of exploitation of anyone and anything. Secondly, he's 21, she's 17/ Not only is he exploiting a person, he's exploiting a minor. That's a felony. Last of all, she seems to have a crush on this guy. Well, uinfortunately, sleeping with him isn't gonna win him over, and she's gonna be very alone and bitter in the morning. It's heartbreak waiting to happen.

But you will have to trust her judgement on this one. And hope she plays it safe. And be there for her if something goes horribly awry.

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Inspected by Number 26


Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mophead
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I'm with Miz Scarlet on this one. Sometimes you have to be tough to be kind. We once threatened to beat someone up to keep her from drinking in excess. I'm not saying you need to be this extreme, but I think your friend needs to understand that sex without condoms is... well... pretty nasty. It's like not brushing your teeth. Wouldn't you be a little tough to convince your friend to brush? And HPV is a lot worse than cheesey stuff on your teeth.

The sad truth is that either someone shows her the lesson, or she sleeps with Old Man, gets a disease/infection, and breaks down emotionally when he leaves her. She'll learn her lesson either way.

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My menstrual diary
Updated as often as my uterus


Posts: 752 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
VeNT
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off topic
quote:
Originally posted by Gumdrop Girl:
Secondly, he's 21, she's 17/ Not only is he exploiting a person, he's exploiting a minor. That's a felony.

can i just point out that thats only in the USA
in england its 16
and i will bet <not that i gamble> that its different in each country!
/off topic

ok
from what i can tell you can't stop her
and if you try then she will end up hating you
leave her to it
DO give her advice
Do support her aftrewards
but remeber that it is HERchoise not yours!!!
lots of people do not feel the need to keep their virginity <like me> and some do!
some people, having been brought up to "keep themselves" end up rebeling and having sex at a relitivly eirly age!
and vica versa is also true!!!
all you can do is stand by your frend and help her through this hard time!
what ever she does, if she does it or not, she will be wiser and better off from this expeance.
well thats my 10 cents <as you Americans say!>
~VeNT
x X x X x


Posts: 101 | From: truro cornwall england | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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vent: yup, it's different in every country, but ashley's in the states. and even here, it's different from state to state. okay, so i shouldn't have assumed it was 16. but by and large, it's 18.

doesn't change the fact that she's getting exploited as a person, though.

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Inspected by Number 26


Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lin
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I understand your concern for your friend but at the end of the day, it's her heart, her body.

All you can really do as a friend is to make sure she is protected. From HIV, STD and unwanted potential pregnancy.

Think Miz S couldnt be more right. Scarleteen is a goldmine of information. Send her here and she can decide for herself what she wants to do. Or alternatively, print out these articles for her to have a read.

http://www.scarleteen.com/pink/pages/readiness.html
http://www.scarleteen.com/pink/pages/preg_risk.html

If after reading them, she wants to go ahead and have sex, make sure she engages in safe sex.

Love is not necessarily a pre requsite to having sex. Some people, like me, believe it is a physical extension of love. Others see it as just that, sex. What you believe is not what she believes in but that doesn't mean that either of you is wrong.

[This message has been edited by Lin (edited 01-06-2001).]


Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lilnerd
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the first line of your post sounded familiar to me, but then it went downhill... I am ready to have sex. I don't know how I actually decided that, I just know. I don't have a boyfriend, but there is a guy I like. I must admit I'm thinking about it... BUT before if we do anything, I am going to make sure it is done the right way. (We are also the same age) But I know that I certainly don't love him. I thought that would matter so much to me by the time I decided to have sex; but, really, it doesn't. Do you think I am being stupid about this?

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http://beam.to/anode2ryan *My Ryan Page*
“the safest sex is no sex but if you gunna have sex wear a latex”- Teck $


Posts: 543 | From: NY | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lin
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lilnerd sweetie, of course you are not being stupid about it. You are not being stupid about anything.

So you want to have sex with someone you don't love. It's no sin (unless you are religious). It's your body and as long as you look after it (protection, protection and more protection), I think what you are doing or plan to do is absolutely OK.

No one is here to dictate that you cannot have sex with someone you don'y have loving feelings for. As long as you have thought it through and you protect yourselves, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with what you want to do.

BUt make sure you think it through and don't regret it in the future. I know of friends who regret giving their virginity away to someone else other than the guy they are with now. So really really think about it first and if you are sure, go ahead.


Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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