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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » I'm afraid of sex

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Author Topic: I'm afraid of sex
moonflower
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Member # 1891

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I am sexually active, but as long as I have been, I've been unable to even touch my partner's penis... let alone even consider giving head. It's not a matter of not being ready - I *really* want to... but I CAN'T. It's like I'm scared to, I have this huge block that won't let me. I feel terrible that I can't return favors.. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what the problem may be and how to overcome it?
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Ron
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Then don't do it. Don't worry about it. Do what you feel comfortable with. There are many ways to make your partner happy, but feeling bad about your own feelings isn't one of them.

Explain to him how you feel. You can expect his patience and understanding. You need to work it out in yourself and the first thing is to feel comfortable with your own sexuality, even if its not like anyone else's.


Posts: 364 | From: San Cristobal de Las Casas, Chiapas, Mexico | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lemming
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The best advice I can offer you is to give it time. You may never feel ready to do this; the important thing is that you not force yourself into anything you're not comfortable with, and don't let anyone else force you.

I felt/feel the same way, hon, and I didn't know why, either. And so I tried to force myself to touch it, to not cringe, to try to go down on him, and I felt horrible - and he noticed, and asked me what was wrong. we had a long serious talk, and agreed that he understood that I *really* wanted to please him sexually in this way, but I just couldn't. because he knows how I feel, and we talked it out, he would never ask me to do anything that made me uncomfortable.

months have passed, and I'm now comfortable with holding his penis, but I have problems looking at it or even thinking about oral sex. that's okay. maybe I'll get used to those ideas, maybe I won't. jut make sure that you and your partner both understand where you're coming from on this issue, and everything will really work out okay, I promise.

as long as you don't feel pressured or coerced, and both of you can be open and honest with each other, let things happen as they happen, and with lots of trust.

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~lemming, Scarleteen Advocate

want to know the inner lemming? read her diary at http://innerlemming.diaryland.com/ .


Posts: 3156 | From: Austin, Texas | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
StarryRedhead
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Well, I have felt that way occasionally too but I know why I'm like that. Right before my senior year in high school I was sexually assaulted, forced to give oral sex to two guys....it was disgusting and awful to say the least.

It took me almost 2 years before I was able to even LOOK at a guys penis, let alone touch it. What helped is being honest and open to the guy about why I was scared and if I started to feel uncomfortable, I'd stop. He was okay with that and VERY understanding, something I'm very thankful for, I'm sure your guy will be too if you talk to him about it.

It's important to let him know that some things you just don't want to do and if you don't want to do it, don't do it. My ex-boyfriend was not supportive at all and would tell me that I obviously didn't care about him, which was not true. I didn't feel safe with him and that added to my fear of oral sex, it almost made me sick to my stomach at times. So, I think trusting the person, talking to them, feeling safe, and not feeling pressured, will help you a lot. Hope this helped a bit.

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}{*Starry Ali*}{
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Gumdrop Girl
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aww, redhead! that's awful what they did to you! but I'm glad you managed to get thru it.

moonflower, you say that your are sexually active and ready to have sex, but this little hang up of yours makes me a bit skeptical. in my opinion, i think you should take it slowly, maybe hold off on sex for a little bit and get a little more acquainted with you partner and his penis. sex (and that is not exclusive to intercourse) will be so much more comfortable for you.

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Maurice! Bring in the albinos! muwahahahahaha!!!


Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
glitter695
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Thats OK, it takes time, dont rush anything your not ready for, you have to get to know yourself before anything. Everyone has something they are scared of, and thats fine, some people grow out of it and some dont. Just take your time.

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*~*~*~I LOVE YOU BOB FOREVER AND ALWAYS*~*~*~
*~*~12/3/99*~*~*
"The first time I saw you, I knew that I would fall for you, & now that were together, our love will last forever!!" -By: The person I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD!!


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keoki_14
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If you can't do something, I don't think you're ready for it. Why are you sexually active if you're afraid? If I were you I would slow things down, get comfortable. I hope things work out.

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"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap."
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Posts: 620 | From: Columbia, MD, USA | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kandius
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Member # 1927

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You know, I was also really squeamish about my guy's penis before. I was so used to him wearing clothes that it seemed "unnatural" how he looked without anything on...
I wanted to much to just *be* with him, share my body with him, but I couldn't accept his naked-ness, it seemed unreal. Despite how I felt, I slowly became familiar with him. He'd feel me up and was patient with me, which made me feel more and more comfortable with him. I first just felt his penis, explored it with my hands, kissing him all the while, and didn't look at it while I was doing that. Once I became comfortable with the feeling of it, I actually took my first look at it. Seemed really wierd to me, but since I was used to the feel of it it seemed easier to accept how it looked. For the longest time I was very scared about giving oral sex to him. I thought it was disgusting. That's it. But I eventually tried it, and it wasn't that bad! I pictured having a lollipop while doing it and he orgasmed/cummed fairly quick. He apparantly really enjoyed it! ^_^ At that moment I realized it wasn't the actual oral sex that bothered me, it was the "to spit or to swallow?" question. I had no idea how to spit without being rude. Honestly I felt nauseous thinking of what was in my mouth at that moment. Then I thought of what I've read on this site, how cum is a natural thing that's digested through the body like anything else, and I swallowed. It was wierd, I kid you not. And very bitter. But I'm happy I did it now. I enjoy giving my partner head, seeing him so pleasured gets me so revved up I can't stand it! And yes, after we became familiar with each other's bodies, we had sex. It hurt at first but in the end it was amazing. Especially since we literally know how the other person 'works'! ^_^

I guess it's just time that will help... If you honestly CAN'T do it, don't force it! Just tell him how you feel, he'll understand. Whenever you do want to become familiar with him, take it slow. Forcing yourself to deal with it might make you feel even worse about it! So just take your time, you'll know when you're ready to fully accept his 'assets'.

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~* P.L.U.R. *~


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ThisGuy
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"To spit or to swallow, that is the question!"

The answer is C) - neither. Use a condom unless you are utterly certain of his past.

There are sexually transmitted diseases that can be transmitted from penis to the oral tract, and from mouth/throat to penis.

I'd imagine its fairly embarrassing to turn up to the doctor with a gonorrhea infection in your throat.

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angel sue ray
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hey girl, look the thing is, is that you are scared that you are not going to please him. you know waht im sayin'? wel i thought the same thing that you are thinking at this moment.just go with the flow girl,
if you have to tell him not to look at you and that it is your first time and that you dont know exactly haw to do it but just practice ok hun. youll get it down pat one day.

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Angel
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glitter695
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I dont think she should practice if shes scared, she has to take her time and think about what shes doing, she might not be ready so have a sexual relationship yet, I was scared too, at first, I was with other guys (not sexual intercourse) but kissing and stuff, but I never felt really comferble *touching* somebody elses *privates*...it scared me, I wasnt ready...and I know if I wasnt ready I certainly dont want to practice...I never really felt comfertable doing certain things with guys until my recent boyfriend, I dunno why, but I just felt comfertable, finally...we took things slow and he didnt break up with me because I didnt want to give him *head* right away..... I never did give my ex boyfriends oral sex, because I wasnt ready...there loss right...(hehehe )
my recent boyfriend he waited for me, until I was ready and comfertble with things and myself...

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*~*~*~I LOVE YOU BOB FOREVER AND ALWAYS*~*~*~
*~*~12/3/99*~*~*
"The first time I saw you, I knew that I would fall for you, & now that were together, our love will last forever!!" -By: The person I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD!!

[This message has been edited by glitter695 (edited 11-21-2000).]


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moonflower
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Member # 1891

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Thank you guys so much for all your input
Maybe you're right, I'm not ready... but in addition to that possibility, I have this underlying feeling that it goes deeper than that... that no matter how long I wait, I'll never be truly comfortable.. it won't just be a matter of waking up and being, ooh I'm ready to touch a penis today. I'm actually AFRAID, but not of rejection or not being good enough or anything like that, because those things aren't even an issue in my relationship. It seems that there is more to the problem when I'm actually brought to tears trying so hard just to reach out, and being completely unable to.

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glitter695
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Dont worry it takes time, just do it when you feel comfertable with that person...dont try soo hard that it brings you to tears...it seems like your being forced to *touch it* when you say that...talk to your boyfriend about how you feel, Im sure he will understand...you never know if you will be truly comfertable, you have to take your time...

Were you ever sexually harrassed, and thats why you feel the way you do toward being sexual with your partner??

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*~*~*~I LOVE YOU BOB FOREVER AND ALWAYS*~*~*~
*~*~12/3/99*~*~*
"The first time I saw you, I knew that I would fall for you, & now that were together, our love will last forever!!" -By: The person I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD!!

[This message has been edited by glitter695 (edited 11-22-2000).]


Posts: 1978 | From: NY:) | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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