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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Co-dependency Vent!

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Author Topic: Co-dependency Vent!
entropie
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<vent>

I‘ve been coming here for a few months now, and I’m still trying to adjust to the fact that there is so much dependence and co-dependence going on in some of your relationships…

I hear things along these lines all the time:

"I love him more than life itself"
"He means everything to me"
"I don’t want to live without him"

Et cetera, et cetera…

Now, seriously, there’s this big annoying thing out there, after being exposed to all of this media attention, magazines, TV, the movies, and we’re all made to think that without being one half of a two person relationship, we are nothing… we’ve lost out… and we’ve failed. And I understand the pressure that comes with it... but it’s making us a generation of people who are dependant, and don’t believe we can survive as single human beings, individual in all our rights.

So I guess, what I mean to say is that there is no boy (or girl) out there who is worth losing yourself over. You can be in a loving relationship with someone, but it doesn’t mean you have to give away who you are, and your own morals, and opinions.

You are not one half of a couple... you’re a person with rights, and you can express those rights.
Co-dependence breeds co-dependence...

</vent>

Just a rant and a vent, but opinions on this subject are always appreciated

entropie

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honeylaser's site


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lemming
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fantastically put, entropie, as usual.

I'd like to add this little quote in here as well, though I can't for the life of me remember who said it:

"love is when two become one but remain two."

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~lemming, Scarleteen Advocate

want to know the inner lemming? read her diary at http://innerlemming.diaryland.com/ .


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entropie
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Hey lemming.. I wasn't sure if my personal vent was appropriate Glad you posted..

Something I forgot to add.. music. And I'm not talking strictly Madonna.

You listen to some of the lyrics in popular music (none off the top of my head right now) and they're influencing this next generation into the "Cinderella Syndrome" and that feeling of needing someone to be complete.

arghhhhhh

entropie

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honeylaser's site


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Beppie
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I agree completely. I see so many people whose selves are completely defined by their relationship with a significant other.

Another thing that I really hate is society's perception that if you don't have a significant other, then you are obviously ready to fall into the arms of the first person who offers to fill the spot. Being single, I often feel that people are incredulous when I turn a guy down- the fact that I might not be interested in him, even if he is nice, or good looking etc, seems irrelevant- why in the world would I turn down the status of being "in a relationship". ARGH! And the number of people who have asked me "have you found a boyfriend?" in the same way that they might ask "have you found a job?"

I tend to think that that's a pretty demeaning way to look at your significant other. If I was in a relationship it would be because the guy was someone I liked as a person, not because I have an empty slot in my life that needs someone labelled "boyfriend".


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Daisyluv
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I thought I'd give a 'relationship perspective' on this
I totally agree most people are so depenant on the one they are dating that they totally ignore whats going on around them. I know cause i was in a relatioship like that where the day wasn't complete cause we weren't with each other. In this relationship I know the world will still be ok cause we only see each other on the weekend. Our lives focus more on our separate lives. this makes enjoy the time together even more and if we don't see each other thats fine we'll miss each other but life will go on.
the only sad part is it took me most of my relationships to figure this out. oh well at least i figured it out.

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*~ Daisy ~*

"Cute is for puppies, Adorable is for me."


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Pixie69
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Just a note about "cinderella syndrome" the newspaper did a little article on it and it basically said that our whole lives (think cinderella, sleeping beuaty) we're led to believe that you just find a person, bang you're in love, bam you're married, and boom happily ever after (she dances with him once and they just *knew*, he just kissed her and they *knew) And people aren't willing to put work into a relationship, they just want it to magically happen.

Now I can totally believe that us young people are in love, but I find it hard to believe that "I've been dating him for one day and I want to have his baby" come on people,

Sorry,

Brittany

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I'm the good girl that everyone thinks is a bad girl pretending to be a good girl :D


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Gumdrop Girl
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ever heard this phrase:
you make me so happy
?

it goes both ways. that can be so sweet, but in truth, you don't make them be anything. being with someone can be a gratifying experience, sure. but i find myself twisting the words. you make me happy can easily pervert until it becomes you make me so angry. welcome to abusive relationship territory. it's a matter of placing blame on other people when it's your own fault. i don't know if you see with my logic, i'm a little out of it right (midterm brain drain) now.

if i may kvetch just a li'l more, i gotta say i'm a bit iritated by the melodrama sometimes. oh i can't live without him. or, i'll die if he doesn't go to homecoming with me. chill. the world doesn't end after one rejection. yeah, it sucks, but (whatever happens will be) que será sera. drama queens, please drink a warm cup of tea and reckon with me later.

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Maurice! Bring in the albinos! muwahahahahaha!!!


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Ron
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I share your feelings, entropie. It is something that worries me a lot about the posts here. I think in part it is just a phase of insecurity that we go through, usually in adolescence, when we are working out just who we are.

Mostly its drama as Miz S said in a recent essay and, though lots of lightening and thunder, doesn't mean a whole lot. One thing, Gumdrop, no one can make you happy, that comes from inside you. So that's the first mistake we make. If that person was just my partner, then I would be happy! Wrong.

Co-dependency is a little more serious, at least as I have seen it among our own friends. It involves some psychic pathologies. Such as one, usually male, still trapped in the narcissistic stage where he thinks the world whirls around him, that he make the rules, kind of like a 2 year old. He hangs out with (usually) women who indulge him, treat him like a child, cover up for him and erase their own personal stories to fit in to his story. Both sides are pathological, I would say they have an underdeveloped sense of self (self as an interdependent node in society) and confuse themselves with the whole world (they are *it*, period)either the center of the universe or the invisible all, infinite victim.

So although overly emotional love affairs we often hear about here may remind us of these pathological states, often uncomforatbly so, most people get through them, by living them out and seeing where they go. (ie, nowhere)

Dunno, jus thinkin...guess i shouldn't do that.


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Rizzo
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I don't really know what to say. I suppose, logically, I think you guys are right. But I recognize co-dependent tendencies in my own relationship, and I feel guilty about that so I want to defend it.

And to some extent, I can. I think it's important to realize how much you value your partner. My love does make me happy, and I do like my life with him. I really wouldn't enjoy life without him, at least for some time. I tell him these things because I want him to know that I'm really grateful for him. Is this so bad?


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entropie
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quote:
I don't really know what to say. I suppose, logically, I think you guys are right. But I recognize co-dependent tendencies in my own relationship, and I feel guilty about that so I want to defend it.

Opinions are all good.. not necessarily defensive

quote:
And to some extent, I can. I think it's important to realize how much you value your partner. My love does make me happy, and I do like my life with him. I really wouldn't enjoy life without him, at least for some time. I tell him these things because I want him to know that I'm really grateful for him. Is this so bad?

I'm not trying to attack feeling love in a relationship, and I completely agree about valuing your partner...
But it's easy to fall into feeling that things would be terrible, and it would be impossible to live without that someone.

You come into this world as an individual, only dependent on your parents/caregivers/family for care. You go through life as a person, not a couple, and I think it's important to always look at yourself as an individual, not as one 1/2 of a couple.

I'm not saying it's easy, I mean, I just came out of a relationship in which I became very dependant, and I felt very much that if we ever broke up, I would be a wreck, and never be able to survive by myself.

Look at me now. I'm here, I'm doing fine, and I'm not needing him or anyone else to validate my being here on this earth. I'm not here to please anyone except myself, I'm not here to find someone. That's not my purpose in life..

You can love, don't fear falling in love.. don't fear caring for someone, and don't fear being in a relationship. But look out for number one.. and that's you..

entropie

P.S Sorry if I ramble on this subject I go off on tangents sometimes..

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StarryRedhead
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I'm glad you posted this Entropie. I get very upset when people completely lose themselves in a relationship, do everything to please their partner, and forget that they have to take care of themselves too. Maybe it's one of my big pet peeves! And you're right about the music that young girls and guys hear everyday. It gives young people this false impression of what love is and what relationships are. In reality, they take work, no matter how perfect two people are for eachother. And being alone is not as terrible as music, movies, commercials make it out to be.....in fact, I think some single time is important to learn who you are and be happy with who you are. I know I don't want to be with someone if I'm not happy with myself. It's one of the most common saying, "you can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself." In my experience, it's nothing but true.

And to add to what some others said, like Rizzo, yes I do agree that it is possible to find someone who truly makes you happy and makes life even better. But, the word is better. Too often I see people wanting to fall in love and have that person MAKE them happy because they're not happy and I don't think that's a reason to be in a relationship. Only you can MAKE yourself happy, you can't expect someone to do that for you. Blah, blah, blah, blah.....I could go on and on with this topic so I'll stop here!

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}{*Starry Ali*}{
"You flicker. And you're beautiful. You glow inside my head. You hold me hypnotized, I'm mesmerized..."
My Webpage-Alisons Life


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VeNT
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oh sorry
I thought that you where talking to me!
bye
VeNT
x X x

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HarvesterOfSorrow
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<puts on Devil's Advocate hat>

I think you're making a bit of a blanket statement. I'm 18 and I've known my girlfriend for about 5ish months now. Before her, I wasn't looking for a girlfriend. I mean, I suppose it was on my list, but it wasn't a big deal. I felt quite whole without someone else being there.

In fact, she pursued me, not the other way around.

Now, I do sort of need her. I mean, I haven't spoken to her since yesterday and I miss her already.

Of course, I'm the kind of person that can really walk away from anything. I have some hobbies and other things I really like doing, but there is nothing in my life I could never walk away from if the need were to arise. I love my girlfriend as much as I can love anything, more than anything else. If it was in her best interests for her and I to say good bye, I would do it. And, I'd keep on Motrin.

And then there's the whole meaning of life thing. (get that look off your face) In scientific terms, the meaning of life is to essentially keep yourself alive, and to procreate. Those are the two things all living things do (well, except for, um, mules I think they are... They can't procreate, but that's another story).

I think it's natural to need someone and to feel a great sorrow without them. We're programmed to be like that.

Anyway, I hope you understood what I'm trying to say. Hard to explain.


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Ron
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Yes, its natural to miss someone, to enjoy being with them and its even natural for a little co-dependency to creep into a relationship (not particularly healthy, but it happens)

I think we were talking about a more extreme state of mutually reinforcing neuroses, where personalities become defined in terms of unhealthy behavior patterns. Extreme jealousy, for example and other expressions of insecurity that become so disturbing to the person that they can't function. Relations of victimization that can even involve violence yet the person keeps going back to the same situation where the violence is sure to recur. etc.

These situations can be very destructive and it's important to grow out of them


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entropie
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I think like Ron was trying to explain, it's more than that, it's bigger and a heck of a lot uglier.

Generally, when people involve themselves in co-dependant relationships, they don't work out, an for simply one reason : no-one can make you happy except yourself..
You can be happy being with someone, and enjoy their time with you, and love them so much you think your heart would explode and life wouldn't go on without them, but quite simply, no-one can make you happy; you've got to have it in yourself to be happy first.

HarvesterOfSorrow, you've already proven that your relationship isn't co-dependant by this statement:

quote:

I love my girlfriend as much as I can love anything, more than anything else. If it was in her best interests for her and I to say good bye, I would do it. And, I'd keep on Motrin.

I won't rant anymore on this today.. I'll just stop before I go into angry cat mode and start hissing and spitting

entropie

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Posts: 1030 | From: Aotearoa | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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