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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 11-19-2005 11:21 AM
  
I am back again.... Sort of. I saw my counseler on thursday and it was a total disaster. I was not having a good day for one actually I have not had a good week. She actually sent me home after about 20 minutes saying that she was letting me out early.... I wonder could my attitude have had anything to do with it. I felt horrible when I got home. I pretty much cried the rest of the day feeling like I was a horrible person who deserves to feel the way I do. But the more I think about I really didn't act bad. I answered her questions but she said it seemed to her like I didn't want to be there. Which wasn't the case I told her I was having a rough week and I just woke up in a bad mood. Her response to that was I control my moods and feelings I choose to be in a bad mood. If that's true If I control them then why can't I choose to just be happy. Why do I feel like crap. Why do i feel like someone elses left over garbage? IP: Logged |
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Miz Scarlet Sexpert Posts: 19846 |
posted 11-19-2005 12:41 PM
...because it's a long process, and you've a lot of obstacles. Sounds to me like your counselor was probably having a bad day herself: pity if that was the case she didn't share that with you, but it does happen. I'd disagree with your counselor on this: we don't jus get to pick and choose how we feel, especially when we're addressing serious trauma. IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 11-19-2005 01:30 PM
Thanks Miz Scarlet. You are problay right maybe she was having a bad day, and yes it is a long road and sorry for complaining about it. You have been so much help already and I don't mean to sound like I am a complainer. How should I go about talking to her when I see her on Monday? I am not sure if I did something to upset her or If she really was just having a bad day. But I know I felt really bad when I left her office. [This message has been edited by mylilbit6 (edited 11-19-2005).] IP: Logged |
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Miz Scarlet Sexpert Posts: 19846 |
posted 11-19-2005 01:38 PM
Nothing to be sorry about: I by no means feel obligated to answer every post here, so you can rest assured that when I reply it's because I want to. I don't feel forced or obliged in any way to answer, so you can always safely assume you're not putting me out when you do.  And I'd just say to her what you said here, really. IP: Logged |
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Miz Scarlet Sexpert Posts: 19846 |
posted 11-19-2005 01:39 PM
Nothing to be sorry about: I by no means feel obligated to answer every post here, so you can rest assured that when I reply it's because I want to. I don't feel forced or obliged in any way to answer, so you can always safely assume you're not putting me out when you do. And I'd just say to her what you said here, really. IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 11-19-2005 01:42 PM
Exactly what obstacles do I have infront of me. also you said that I need to allow myself to feel they emotions that go along with all of this... It feels odd to cry or get mad about something that happened so long ago. My counseler actually told me after I told her that I wasn't ready to discuss the details of the rape.... That for the most part she is a realist deals in the here and now. She said yes it was horrible thing that happened to me but its in the past and I have to choose to leave it there. She told me I can't go back and change what happened I just have to live for today. I am thinking about maybe looking for a new counseler? I just don't know what to do. I really don't know what I need to get past this. I mean I know its in the past per say but its not there in the right way. its there because it happened but its still in my life now because I have never taken the time to feel it and deal with it so that I can put it in the right place. But then you also said that it never completely goes away. I am so confused please help me. IP: Logged |
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karybu Activist Posts: 225 |
posted 11-19-2005 08:28 PM
Hey mylilbit. Just something that might be useful to think about in terms of seeing a counselor - not every counselor is a good "match" for every person, and sometimes you have to try a couple before you find one you feel you can get along with and trust. I have never been through anything like what you're dealing with, but I have seen counselors (several) in the past for other issues and I know that a couple of times, for whatever reason, a particular therapist just wasn't the right one for me. If you have to keep looking for a bit to find someone that you're comfortable with, that's totally normal and most definitely worth it. For what it's worth, I think you're doing a fantastic job already getting through this, and you've got a lot to be proud of already. Good luck.
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 11-20-2005 10:39 AM
HI Karybu, Thank you so much for that. I think I might think really hard about changing counselers I don't know at this point if that is what I need. We seemed to get along just fine till this past thursday. I am not sure if it was because I was out of sorts of if maybe like miz scarlet said she was having a bad day. IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 11-21-2005 04:38 PM
I had an appointment with my therapist today and it actually went well. So I don't think I will be changing therapist. I think Miz Scarlet you were right. She was having a bad day as well. I told her how I felt when I left her office and she told me that in the future she would be more clear about why she says and does what she does. She I also told her that I didn't agree with what she said about me being in control of my feelings. I told her if that was the point than I wouldn't be feeling the way I do now. She said she didn't quite agree with that. I don't know maybe I do need to look in to a new therapist. Because I really don't agree and I really don't think that i have that much control. if i did i wouldn't need therapy, I wouldn't be a cutter, and the rapes wouldn't affect me the way they do. Still confused......... IP: Logged |
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Miz Scarlet Sexpert Posts: 19846 |
posted 11-21-2005 05:13 PM
Well, you certainly have control over your actions and what you DO with your feelings. Sorry not to have replied to the last post, too: I've had a big falling out in my online feminist community that threw me for a loop, so big, weighty issues with anyone were just more than I could handle for a few days there. Per switching therapists, I'd say to give it a couple more sessions first. You've laid tough groundwork with this one for a little bit now: doing that all over isn't something you'll want to rush into. IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 11-21-2005 07:23 PM
Hi am glad to hear from you again and I am so sorry that you have had a falling out I hope everything is ok....
quote: What exactly do you mean when you say what I do with my feelings. I get the action one. I think your right about the therapist I am really not into the whole idea of laying the ground work again with someone new and having to start the whole trust thing over again either. so I will give it a few more sessions and see where it goes from there. Thanks again!!!! I really appreciate all your help you have been absolutely wonderful! IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 11-25-2005 07:42 PM
Just thought I would give you an update on how things are going.....not good it has been a difficult couple of days. Right now I am not sure if I am coming or going. I am just so tired and frustrated right now with this whole healing process. Actually its not the process its just I am tired of feeling this way. I will be glad when It doesn't affect me near as bad as it is now. IP: Logged |
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Miz Scarlet Sexpert Posts: 19846 |
posted 11-26-2005 07:45 AM
Go get lost in something good today. Take your family or just yourself to a big used bookstore, for instance, without a time limit. Go on a long walk together with the plan of finding outdoor objects to start a collection at home. Run down a hill. Stretch for 20 minutes or get to the gym. Cook your favorite meal. Watch a sunset. In other words, give yourself something vital but easily attainable. Sometimes just breaking the pattern of a bad few days with something small and good can make a really big difference. IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 11-26-2005 12:38 PM
Well I took your advice and we all went to a bookstore and spent some time there. I bought a couple of books that I can read. Since reading is something I really enjoy doing. We also took the kids to the park. We just got home from doing that. I am going to make Spaghetti for dinner tomorrow. From scratch....I like cooking and I love spaghetti. Actually just going to the book store and getting something for "me" was nice. The kids enjoyed the park and I enjoyed the fresh air. Its almost 2 but I feel much more relaxed than I did yesterday and not nearly as frustrated as I did. Thanks again
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 11-29-2005 04:48 PM
Hi its me... Today has been a sucky day but before that it has been a good week and i had a good weekend. Today is my birthday and my husband forgot. My closest friends even forgot about it. what a bummer. The only ones that remembered were my kids. Which was nice. I even got a nice card from nakwan my oldest. That made my day. I see my therapist on thursday... I am a little nervous but not sure why. IP: Logged |
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Ecofem Advocate Posts: 419 |
posted 11-29-2005 05:43 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! That sucks that your husband and friends forgot, but they've been so supportive in other ways. Wow, that is really awesome that your kids remembered, especially without any adult reminder!! Just another example of how very much you mean to your kids. IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 11-29-2005 06:24 PM
Thank you Ecofem, and you are right my friends and husband have been so supportive in everything else i have been going through. He did try to make it up to me. he went out and bought a cake and a card and got me a shirt. so that was nice. I realize that i am lucky i do have a good family. He is supportive where it really matters IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 12-03-2005 06:49 PM
Just thought I would give an update as to how I was doing. Actually I am doing a lot better than I thought I would be doing with the holidays around. Still having a lot of nightmares, but my days have not been near as bad. I am not having many flashbacks at the moment and I have decided to go ahead stick with the therapist I have now. Aside from that one session we have gotten along well so far. Also she has respected what I have had to say regarding medicine. She hasn't pushed the issue with that or the fact that I am not ready to go into detail about what happened. I just wish the nightmares would slow down and go away I am pretty tired right now. It seems like I have more nightmares when I am not being triggered as much during the day. When I Don't have flash backs. Any ideas on things I can do to deal with these nightmares and maybe make them slow down? IP: Logged |
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Miz Scarlet Sexpert Posts: 19846 |
posted 12-05-2005 10:38 AM
Well, you might find some help in changing some sleeping habits/talking to your doctor about things which can help you to sleep more peacefully. Some of those can be really simple, and you may be doing them already: limiting any caffeine to only early in the day, avoiding heavy meals at night, adjusting the light or air circulation levels in your bedroom, using some aromatherapy in a diffuser, etc. IP: Logged |
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Miz Scarlet Sexpert Posts: 19846 |
posted 12-05-2005 10:39 AM
Well, you might find some help in changing some sleeping habits/talking to your doctor about things which can help you to sleep more peacefully. Some of those can be really simple, and you may be doing them already: limiting any caffeine to only early in the day, avoiding heavy meals at night, adjusting the light or air circulation levels in your bedroom, using some aromatherapy in a diffuser, etc. IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 12-08-2005 07:18 PM
Well I have started making changes in my bedtime routine and in the things i do at night. Last night I actually slept all night with a single nightmare. I doubt that it will continue that way i am sure that i will have more dreams but hey I will take them when i get them [This message has been edited by mylilbit6 (edited 12-08-2005).] IP: Logged |
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Miz Scarlet Sexpert Posts: 19846 |
posted 12-08-2005 09:30 PM
That's great news. Suffice it to say, it's difficult to handle ANYTHING well when one is sleep-deprived. IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 12-11-2005 06:47 PM
I have a question: Do you know anything about DBT therapy and if you do what is your opinion of it? My therapist thinks it might be a good idea for me to help with the SI. I really don't know much about it or what to expect if I did do it IP: Logged |
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Miz Scarlet Sexpert Posts: 19846 |
posted 12-11-2005 09:47 PM
I just looked this up, because I hadn't heard of it. But from what I can see, it looks like a pretty good approach, a combo of both group therapy and once-a-week one-on-one for dealing with part issues specifically. But just FYI, this isn't rape-crisis therapy, it's borderline personality disorder therapy. So, it'd be less about the rape, and mrore about your overall. It's behavioural therapy -- about your behaviour, not your traumas -- not trauma crisis counseling, if you get me. But it is apparently speciffically targeted to PTSD patients, which I imagine you're absolutely dealing with. Here's the most in-depth page on DBT I found: http://www.priory.com/dbt.htm IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 12-12-2005 07:30 AM
Well maybe i should stay were am at in rape-crisis-therapy. My biggest fear is if i switch gears I might not want to switch back if you understand what i mean if not let me know i will re-word it. I don't really know if borderline personality disorder really fits me. I know ptsd does. but as far as the SI goes those episodes are few and far between now. its seems like the more calm days i have where i can implememt what i have learned here and with my therapist, the more days i can go with out SI. bpd was diagnosed based of a questionare before I ever started in counseling. I don't know i have feeling that if i can put this in its place and it doesn't have the same power over me things will improve. i don't know if anything i just said makes sense i guess i have just come to another decision and i really don't know what to do. I just looked up the site you gave me and read more about bpd and well iguess it soes sound like me i tend to get easily stressed about smaller things and it does take longer to come back down [This message has been edited by mylilbit6 (edited 12-12-2005).] IP: Logged |
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Ecofem Advocate Posts: 419 |
posted 12-13-2005 06:06 AM
Hi mylilbit6, I hope you got my other message from a week ago or so. I don't totally understand what type of therapy that you're going through. However, I do understand that you want to keep on the same path you've started, but the new therapy could prove to be helpful on the whole. And you always have the option of stopping if you find it's not for you: You've gotten so far, and you could still go back to what you're now... but it might be worth the chance if it turns out to be helpful. So, if you can, why not sit in on a group session once or twice to get a feeling for the people and atmosphere? IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 01-01-2006 01:03 PM
Just thought I would let you know how things are going. Christmas was extremely hard for me this year. I have been having more nightmares and flash backs than normal. But I am still seeing the same therapist and trying to work through it all so that one day I can finally say that I am a survivor not a victim. It just seems so hard at times and I feel so alone at times. IP: Logged |
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Miz Scarlet Sexpert Posts: 19846 |
posted 01-01-2006 01:13 PM
Do you have a support group yet, one of other survivors? I ask because the last thing you are is alone. Sadly, rape and abuse is one thing that the majority of women in the world have in common. Would that we WERE alone. If you do not yet have that, ask your therapist to help find you one. In many ways, I find groups of support are often even more healing than one-on-one therapy. IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 01-01-2006 01:22 PM
No I don't have a support group yet. I will ask my therapist on thursday about it. I guess part of me is a little afraid because my husband is leaving on saturday for nine weeks. He is going to school. I am in the midst of a severe depression at the moment. I have been questioning myself a lot lately. Wondering why me why try to fight it why not just give in. I have come to realize that I have to fight if i don't fight then they win and I can't let them win. It is just very frustrating feeling this way. It just seems so unfair that they can hurt us and we are the ones who suffer not them. I am just tired of the mood swings. The voices in my head all of it. They say I am bipolar and have borderline personality disorder. I say I am just plain crazy. I have yet to tell my therapist that there are voices in my head that talk to me. I am afraid she will think the same thing I do that i am going crazy. IP: Logged |
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Miz Scarlet Sexpert Posts: 19846 |
posted 01-01-2006 01:55 PM
I wish that I could tell you it's perfectly safe for you to be as honest with your therapist as possible. However, since you are a mother, and some mandatory reporting can be an issue, and as I recall, you're in the military system, I can't tell you that. However, I CAN assure you that even if you are hearing voices, it doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy. It could simply mean that schizophrenia or another clinical disorder is an issue here, and those disorders are no more "crazy," than a disability or issue like having leukemia, if you follow. All I can tell you per what you report is to trust your instincts per the safety you feel or do not. (And when it's possible, I'd really suggest trying to find support and couseling outside the military system: for obvious reasons, it tends not to serve women very well.) Do ask to be hooked up with a support group. It really sounds like you need people around you who absolutely understand -- for themselves -- what you're going through. Your husband, for instance, can be great support for you, but he's never going to be able to get it like another survivor will. Having that community can be so incredibly important, specifically when you're feeling so isolated. IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 01-01-2006 03:51 PM
Could the hearing voices be a problem when it comes to my children? I don't have halluncinations or things like that. They don't tell me what to do or anything. Its more like they just talk to me. I litterly talk to myself. There is just more than one voice. It can be confusing to me. I am not sure whats going. I have heard them for a while but I have always been able to block them out until recently. Now there is one voice in particular that keeps trying to talk to me. It sounds like a childs voice. I really want to know whats happeneing but now i am afraid that if I do tell her about the voices that might lead to problems when it comes to my children. I love my children very much and would hate for anything to happen because of me. I have looked up schizofrenia before and nothing it says sounds like what has been happening with me. are there any other disorders that this could come from that I could maybe look up and get some information on? IP: Logged |
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Ecofem Advocate Posts: 419 |
posted 01-01-2006 05:30 PM
Hi mylilbit, I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with a really hard time right now. I want to really second going to a support group. Especially since your husband is going away for the nine weeks. I've found it to be the most helpful thing that I've personally done. They know what you've gone through, they know the feelings of depression, the worrying that no one will believe you, etc. And you don't have to worry about them blabbing to random others about it in a gossip-y way, because they know firsthand how important privacy is. They are probably a group of people you don't see everyday, all the time, which can also help to reduce your worries. Hearing about others' experiences– that I found painful and shocking– helped me recognize that my own weren't ok. (I'm having trouble expressing this, which I mean in a "on the outside looking in" sort of way?) It made me incredibly sad to realize how many others went through similiar things, but I felt glad that we could all help each other. You've posted advice and support that helped other rape victim: think of how much your presence would help a teenage girl who just gotten raped, for example. As for the voices, I can only offer my support and untrained advice. But I think there's a very wide range of normal, and that they're not necessarily a bad thing just because a lot of people don't experience them (or talk about experiencing them.) Plus, four young kids means a lot of little voices at all times of the day and night wanting to talk to you. Not to discount what you're feeling, but I find the winter holidays to be the hardest time for me (and most people, I'd guess), regardless of how nice holiday celebrations might be, etc. You mentioned before that you go to church, so I'm guessing you celebrate Christmas? How did that celebration go? I imagine it's the most fun with kids, especially if they still believe in Santa. IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 01-01-2006 05:38 PM
my kids still believe in santa. all four of them. But it was hard for me this year because of the things that are going on for me. I still made sure the kids had a wonderful christmas even though I wasn't totally feeling it. Its good to hear from you again ecofem. its been a while since we have talked. Thanks for the input. I am going to talk to my therapist about therapy. As far as the voices go I don't think i will mention them as of yet I guess i will see things continue to progress and see if they get any worse or start getting better. IP: Logged |
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Miz Scarlet Sexpert Posts: 19846 |
posted 01-01-2006 07:22 PM
Unfortunately, we won't be able to help much with this aspect of your issues -- the voices -- because it's seriously outside our scope as sex educators. Per custody stuff, I'd just practice some caution if you are in the military health care system. As you unfortunately already know, the military as a whole just isn't exactly a good advocate for women, nor does it tend to serve their interests well. I just have to say, I'm getting a little concerned w/your therapy. Is as much time being spent really addressing your traumas as time spent assigning syndromes and such to you? IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 01-01-2006 07:31 PM
I realize that and i am sorry for bringing it up. as far as the therapist goes she seems to be more concerned with assigning labels to me rather than doing trauma work. I am so confused by all the things she says is wrong with me. I honestly think that "voices" are really me just trying to process everything that has happened and everything i am trying to work through. because that is all i seem to talk about to myself anyway. =) i am just trying to sort out everything that is going on. it seems that my life is in a bit of a jumble at the moment. I guess I am on my own with this one. thank you so much for all your help and I am sorry if i said to much. you really have a great site here. take care I am off to find some kind of solution to my problem I am just not sure where to go or where to look. I really thought she would help me i was trying to keep going to her but all she talks about is the different things she says i have. and she keeps giving me more tests to take and i am ready to give up with her and move on. IP: Logged |
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Miz Scarlet Sexpert Posts: 19846 |
posted 01-01-2006 07:38 PM
Oh, no need to be sorry at all: we're just not going to be able to answer questions about it with any authority, is all. I think you have tried this counselor enough: it seems clear at this point she's not a good fit for you. Do you need some help finding counseling services outside the military system? If you let use know where you're located, we can likely help you dig up some more resources (have I asked this already?). IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 01-01-2006 07:41 PM
I would like some help in locating a new counseler who will help me. I live in Fort gordon. its in ga the zip is 30905 IP: Logged |
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Miz Scarlet Sexpert Posts: 19846 |
posted 01-01-2006 07:55 PM
Okie dokie. Here are some local resources I can find for you. Here is a statewide rape crisis hotline based in Augusta which states it can make referrals, no matter when a rape happened: 706 - 724-5200. As well, your local YWCA chapter can always be of help with this. The one in Decatur is at: (404) 321-4154. The rape crisis center in Savannah might also be able to help refer you to local services: (912) 233-7273 I'd just make clear that you are a survivor of multiple rapes, in crisis, with some severe PTSD, and that you need RAPE counseling and support services. Id also make clear that while you are in the military, you would prefer to work outside that system with your support and counseling. IP: Logged |
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mylilbit6 Activist Posts: 70 |
posted 01-01-2006 08:51 PM
Thank you so much for the help I will make the calls in the morning and see where it leads me. Will it be the same starting over as it was when I started with the therapist I have now? as far as asking questions to find out what the therapist's plans are as far as treating me? What exactly should I be looking for in a therapist? IP: Logged |
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LilBlueSmurf Sexpert Posts: 5209 |
posted 01-01-2006 11:45 PM
In a sense, it will be like starting over with a new therapist, but maybe not with therapy in general ... If that makes any sense. As for what you'll want to look for in a therapist ... I think the number one thing you need to look for is someone with experience in dealing with issues of survivors of rape. If you think you may be comfortable discussing these issues with a therapist of a specific sex, you may want to take that into consideration. You can ask what their main 'courses of action' are, given your situation ... As far as i'm concerned, there is only one right answer; the therapist should be able to flex to your needs. S/he should be able to make YOU aware of your needs, and help you make a plan of action in getting these needs met. I would avoid anyone who has a set answer for everyone (ie, "X works for everyone", "I only ever do Y", etc.). Finally, if you're looking other types of therapy (group, family, etc), you can ask about that as well. If they do not do group or family therapy, they should be able to refer you to someone who can (not that you shouldn't choose them b/c they don't do it, but you should choose someone w/ knowledge of other resources in your community). Remember, you are paying these therapists for their services. It is totally within your right to interview THEM. You're letting them into very personal parts of your life ... I would think most therapists would also see these questions as a way to get to know you better as well, and i would certainly avoid anyone who will not take the time to answer any questions about them or your sessions with them. IP: Logged |
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