After you woke up the first time, did you just go back to sleep, or did you do something else like drink tea or read? Although sometimes I find just sitting through my bad feelings, like thinking and crying and listening to empowering music helps. Just getting it out until I still feel crappy but feel calmer or even just can't cry anymore. Then I find that the next day always goes better in terms of feeling a stillness. This may not work for you if thinking more about it just makes it much, much worse, but I find it sometimes helps me. I would see what your therapist recommends.

Re: cutting. You know you don't want to do it and are working hard, so just view this occurance as a bump rather than roadblock. Again, I can't say this works for everyone, but I find drawing really help. As in the presses down really hard on the pen and eventually getting so caught up in what I'm drawing that I get distracted/sort of entranced. I tend to draw people with scars or droplets and use black and red. Ultimately, they don't look so much like gruesome pictures but intricate tattoo-like designs. What about doodling/coloring in like blank forms or like an anatomical drawing of an arm on the internet? (As in, instead of cutting your arm, you'd be doing it to a paper arm, and getting the feelings out without hurting yourself.) If you're interested in giving it a try, I can look up and post some diagrams here.

Well today so far has been a better day then yesterday and the last couple of days has been. To answer your questions: the first one being "after you woke up the first time did you just go back to sleep, or did you do something else like drink tea or read?" The first time I woke up I didn't do much of anything I got up to use the bathroom and then went back to sleep. It didn't start having big trouble until the second dream. Your second question: "What about doodling/coloring in like blank forms or like an anotomical drawing of an arm on the internet?" I would be willing to give it a try, anything that can help get me away from cutting would be a good thing. Thanks for you understanding and your help. I hope today ends on a good note.

It's good to hear that today was a little bit better.

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Originally posted by mylilbit6:
The first time I woke up I didn't do much of anything I got up to use the bathroom and then went back to sleep. It didn't start having big trouble until the second dream.

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Your second question: "What about doodling/coloring in like blank forms or like an anotomical drawing of an arm on the internet?" I would be willing to give it a try, anything that can help get me away from cutting would be a good thing.

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Thanks for you understanding and your help.

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I am really sorry if im not allowed to post in this discussion, but i just wanted to let you know mylilbit6, that i really admire how brave you are and have alot of respect for you, and I think you are a very brave person. And things will be ok for you, because you are doing a really great job at the moment in getting help and all. Again im sorry for butting in, just wanted to say that. Take care

Hi, Ecofem,

And just think: the most you've got to be scared of going out that night are your kid's dental bills.

I had a lot of fun trick or treating with my kids. It was good to be able to laugh a little with out worrying and to have fun with my kids. They seemed to have really good time. I know things for them have been rough lately because things for me have been extremely rough.

But like someone sick, you heal. It takes time, but it's okay to be sick until you ARE well, if you get me.

And feeling guilty is also normal. Sometimes, when we start to really give something gravity, when we recognize a trauma, we might feel guilty for having moments where it doesn't feel so heavy, or we even forget about it, because it might seem like those good times mean our pain isn't important, or what happened wasn't the big deal we know it to be. That's normal, but there really is nothing to feel guilty about, as thriving is the goal.

Sadly, that's the case for an awful lot of rape victims. It's certainly understandable that those close to us would not want to believe something so awful had happened, but that doesn't make it an okay response, and it does tend to impact our trauma further.

So, yeah, there will still be bad days. But as time passes, you'll have fewer and fewer of them, and when they do happen, they'll be progressively easier to manage and work through.

I went and saw my therapist yesterday. It went well for the most part. I have a question for you: Is it necessary to go into specific detail about the rape in order to get better? She wants me to start talking about what happened and I am not sure I want to do that or am ready for that. I was hoping that I could deal with the feelings and things that came from the rape with out actually having to go into detail about what happened when I was 15, 7-11 and 20. I have never actually talked about any of it in great detail. I told my best friend it happened and how many there were but that was the extent of that. Any input you have would be great.

I know for myself, with my big assault, I couldn't if I wanted to: I wasn't conscious for most of it. And for many people assaulted very young, they dissociated so much at the time that their memory literally didn't take notes: they can't remember because they never rememberd it in the first place. There are plenty of people for whom that's the case with a trauma: the prevailing theory being that the psyche has the power to know when the memory of something is just not something we can handle.

(And thus, the nightmare of recovered memory therapy some years back: good intentions, but not sound in practice, and RST resulted in a lot of people being pushed to invent things that didn't occur.)

Hi again, mylilbit6. I often check back on the board to see what you're up to and will write more [finally!] Tuesday. This upcoming week should be more normal but my visitor isn't leaving until tomorrow, so I'll actually have free time to respond then.

My personal feelings about psychotropic medications are always to get a second opinion. There is a lot of overmedication going on right now in our culture: so, it could be just the thing, but I'd always encourage a person to check with more than one doctor about it. (And "borderline personality disorder" is a commonly used phrase that's very, very vague, sometimes to the dgree of almost saying "Something's wrong with you, but I don't know how to classify it or what to call it." So again, I'd just ask a lot of questions, have some measure of caution.) In all truth, I am not the best person for this question because I know myself to have a bias in terms of a lot of western medicine approaches, and know that for myself, I would always try just about anything else before I'd turn to most prescription medications, especially psychological ones. So, do bear that in mind.

I hope your appointment on Thursday goes well. This past week my dad came to visit, which was both strenuous and really nice at the same time. Lately I've been feeling a bit down but I'd say it's more situational right now; I just need to make a little more time for my art, etc. I didn't train for five days in a row and I can feel it, but tomorrow I'll be getting back on track. I realized that as much as I'm trying to save money, I needed to eat more and shower more (this sounds gross but utilities are really expensive here!) because I was tired and low-energy.

As for the medicine, I, too, am wary of Zoloft, etc. I'd prefer to try out pretty much everything else first. But when things get really, really bad I realize I shouldn't be so against it if I could really help. However, I remember reading about a study where regular exercise was as effective as Prosac for treating mild depression. I am especially wary of all medicine that could effect me emotionally: I felt that hormonal birth control made actually made depression worse.

I hope your appointment on Thursday goes well. This past week my dad came to visit, which was both strenuous and really nice at the same time. Lately I've been feeling a bit down but I'd say it's more situational right now; I just need to make a little more time for my art, etc. I didn't train for five days in a row and I can feel it, but tomorrow I'll be getting back on track. I realized that as much as I'm trying to save money, I needed to eat more and shower more (this sounds gross but utilities are really expensive here!) because I was tired and low-energy.

As for the medicine, I, too, am wary of Zoloft, etc. I'd prefer to try out pretty much everything else first. But when things get really, really bad I realize I shouldn't be so against it if I could really help. However, I remember reading about a study where regular exercise was as effective as Prosac for treating mild depression. I am especially wary of all medicine that could effect me emotionally: I felt that hormonal birth control made actually made depression worse.

I'm really glad to hear that you were able to speak your mind with your therapist, as well as find a positive alternative to cutting.

I'm feeling really good right now. This weekend I participated in a capoeira workship with two guests mestres. The group dynamic was just really positive: A big, seemingly amazing accomplishment for me was managing somehow to overcome a level of exhaustion my body was feeling. (I think the trance-like music helped.)

I kept smiling as I walked home: it's like I forget how happy I can be at times and that I need to try to stay that way as much as possible. (As in not letting the bad days get to me, for example.) Wearing lots of bright colors on cold, dark days seems to help, too. This upcoming weekend I'm traveling to see an old friend whom I haven't seen in awhile, so I'm really excited about that, although I have a lot to do before then.

I am not doing quite as well today. yesterday and today have both been really hard days for me. Its so frustrating to me, after having a good week to have two really emotionally hard days. I have had a lot of flash backs in the last two days. I am feeling really really down right now. I am feeling like this whole thing is to hard. I wish sometimes that I was already at the other end of the tunnel instead of at the beginning. But I am not going to give up. I am going to keep pushing forward and try to make it. I also have not gotten any sleep. every time I close my eyes it seems like I dream.
But to answer your questions:

What do you think? Do you think your bad days, for example, help make you enjoy the good days more sometimes?

Really, when I get like this, I tend to take a pregmatic approach: what's giving up mean, in toher words? offing oneself? Once I found out what it was like to live through someone I loved doing that, that stopped being an option. Being numb? Having gone there once and discovering that was even MORE scary, that's out. Abusing others back? Nah. Besides, that how most abusers ended up being abusers in the first place.

So, really, I don't thin giving up is an option, because I don't even know what giving up would BE. Anything I can evnision equals LESS of a life of quality and peace than slogging through, you know?

There's always going to be hard days, and they'll nearly always be interspersed with good ones, sometimes really, really good ones. From a Buddhist perspective, what we aim to do when we fee like that is to experience feeling low, let ourselves feel it, accept that we feel that way, without trying to fix it or decrease the pain or distract ourselves with toher forms of pain. That may or may not work for you: what works best for you is part of the process you're in now, discovering that.

Let yourself just hurt if you can: after all, you've spent years trying to put it away or to pretend it wasn't really what it was. You deserve to experience your emotions. If you need a safety net to do that, seek it out.