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Author Topic:   my boyfriend likes me to bleed....please help
Marshmallow
Neophyte

Posts: 6
From: US
Registered: Apr 2002

posted 12-15-2002 09:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Marshmallow     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi everyone...I have a sort of strange problem, and i'm not sure i should post here, but it seemed like the most logical place to talk about this. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. I love him so much, and i really feel that he loves me. I was a virgin up until about 2 months ago, and the first time that my boyfriend and I made love, i bled quite a bit. I had done a lot of reading and i knew that bleeding could occur on your first intercourse, so i wasn't too concerned. We made love again about a week ago, this is when things started getting strange. When we make love my boyfriend is usually on top of me, and about two or three minutes into it he started pounding me really hard, and i really started hurting. I began to cry, but i didn't say anything to him, because i figured he was about to orgasm, and the entire thing would be over soon. I never thought that my boyfriend would want to hurt me, but then he said, "bleed b****, i wanna see you scream". This is NOTHING AT ALL like my boyfriend. At that point i got really scared and i told him to stop, and he wouldn't. About 5 or 6 minutes after I told him to stop he orgasned. He let go of me, and i didn't know what to think. He acted like everything was normal. I went to the bathroom, and cried. I was bleeding profusely it began to lessen about 2 hours later, and now i am just barely spotting. I don't know what to think. I know that my boyfriend loves me, and wouldn't really want to hurt me. He is incredibly tender and gentle with me when we aren't making love. I haven't dated anyone else so I don't know if this is normal behavior for guys at all. I didn't think that it was, but i could be wrong. Are there any guys out there on the boards that feel like this when they are making love? I know that this is a really long post, I just need some advice. Thanks for listening everyone. hope to hear from you soon
~Marshmallow

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Milke
Activist

Posts: 5122
From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow
Registered: Aug 2000

posted 12-15-2002 10:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Milke     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Having sex with someone who's already asked you to stop isn't 'making love', it's assault. Harming people isn't normal, forcing people into unwanted sexual contact isn't either. What your boyfriend did is not a normal or okay thing to do; it isn't even legal. A guy who'd repeatedly refuse to listen to your needs is not one you need in your life. At this point, you can file charges if you want to, at very least, I'd advise you to leave the relationship immediately; there's no reason you'll be any safer with this guy when you're clothed than when you're having sex.

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Milke, SSBD, RATS

Sweet Loretta Martin thought she was a woman
But she was another man
All the girls around her say she's got it coming
But she gets it while she can

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Miz Scarlet
Sexpert

Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 12-15-2002 10:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
What you have described is NOT normal healthy behaviour. It is sexual assault, AKA, rape. I know it's hard to accept, but this is not "your boyfrind likes you to bleed." This is: your boyfriend raped you. For your health and well-being, and your safety, don't diminish that, even though it hurts to see it.

It's tough to address this: some people can be perfectly fine, or seem fine, in some areas and not in others. There could be many reasons for this behaviour on his part, it's really hard to say. But his being "okay" besides this doesn't make this okay. And his pathology is a non-issue. Your safety comes first.

I certainly do not see continuing a sexual realtionship as an option at all. I would even question, at this point, and possibly always, continuing a platonic friendship. It is generally very, VERY destructive for rape victims to continue to be around their attackers, let alone to continue to be in relationships with them.

Obviously, there is the minute possiblity that he might have been emulating some behaviour he'd seen or heard of (was this his first time-- are you his first girlfriend or partner?) or not knowing what he was doing was hurting you -- But really, that's not likely. It's pretty obvious when a partner is in pain. And when they say stop and the other person continues, they not only are aware of that pain, they are opting to ignore it or increase it for their enjoyment or because they do not have the control or presence of mind to care. While there are always exceptions to rules, rape is serious stuff, and unless there is more to this than what you have said, we're talking about a cut-and-dried sexual assault. This is what rape is, honey.

Take care of you now. You've had a serious traumatic experience, and I'd encourage you to seek out some counseling in person to help get you through it. Don't worry about the relationship right now -- besides, obviously, your feelings of confusion and betrayal and stuff on your end, which again, a counselor can help you with. She can also help you decide about filing charges, which you should consider, even if right now isn't the time.

Lastly, in the future, no one's orgasm is EVER anything close to as important as your emotional and physical safety. Ever.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 12-15-2002).]

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Miz Scarlet
Sexpert

Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 12-15-2002 10:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
One more thing...

...please don't make the error of thinking that because someone loves you this won't happen again or they can't hurt you. Maybe he did/does in fact love you. But that can't fix or eradicate sexually abusive behaviours. And this may seem "nothing like your boyfriend," but HE did this. He did this, and thus, this IS your boyfriend. It unfortunatly is simply a part of him you had not yet seen.

I know it seems perhaps like it should have that power, but it doesn't, and way too many women have discovered that in very tragic ways. Please don't make that error.

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 12-15-2002).]

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phoenix1083
Neophyte

Posts: 1
From: chicago, Ilinois, usa
Registered: Dec 2002

posted 12-17-2002 06:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for phoenix1083     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm sorry that this is happening to you; what your boyfriend is doing is wrong and no matter how much you care about him you need to think about yourself right now. You should be with someone who truly loves you and respects you and it doesn't seem like that's the case with him...you deserve better. If you need someone to talk to email me, my name is Chio <---edited for reasons listed below--->

[This message has been edited by KittenGoddess (edited 12-17-2002).]

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Daydreamer24
Advocate

Posts: 1619
From: TEXAS
Registered: Oct 2001

posted 12-17-2002 06:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Daydreamer24     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Phoenix: For your safety, please do not post any contact information (including eMail). Thank you thank you.

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closuregoddess
Activist

Posts: 63
From: Lucasville, OH
Registered: Oct 2002

posted 12-18-2002 10:29 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for closuregoddess     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ok, I am the type of person who worries compulsively about things dealing with sex, religion, and a few other things.. (Just wanted to let you know.. it is a long story stemming from my childhood.)

Anyways.. during sex, I've told my boyfriend I wanted to stop and maybe he goes for like a second longer or I tell him "OK".. Maybe even I've told him to stop and the way he reacted and kept going turned me on. I've said it hurts before, and he keeps going. (But he stops if it keeps hurting.) I've never had to use force or push him away and he's never forced me physically or verbally to do anything. It may be stupid for me to ask if this is any sort of rape. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I've talked to him about this, and he reassures me that he loves me and would never make me do anything I don't want to do. But like I said, I'm compulsive.

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...i've done all i can do; could i please come with you?

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Miz Scarlet
Sexpert

Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 12-18-2002 10:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
No, you're not being stupid, but here's the thing: you're being confusing.

KNow the story of the boy who cried wolf? same premise here: if you say stop or no but then don't enforce it or stand by it, they start to lose their meaning. And yes, if a lover says stop or no, the other parttner NEEDS to do so and really, shouldn't be at all hesitant TO stop. But if you start to take away the meanings of those words by using them half-hearttedly or not following through, a partner is bound to get confused.

So in your case, is it rape? It's hard to say from here, but based on what you've said, I would say no. But what I'd suggest is that you talk about this together and re-esttabish what no means, that you mean it when you say it and that he honors that.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

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closuregoddess
Activist

Posts: 63
From: Lucasville, OH
Registered: Oct 2002

posted 12-18-2002 05:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for closuregoddess     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks, Miz S. After reading this post, I did indeed talk to him about it. Communication is the key to all doors.

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...i've done all i can do; could i please come with you?

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