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Author Topic:   Abusive Relationships
kythryne
Advocate

Posts: 1685
From: New York City
Registered: Oct 2001

posted 02-06-2002 04:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for kythryne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Are you in an abusive relationship? Have you recently left an abusive partner, or are you considering leaving? Is someone you know being abused by their partner? Are you trying to figure out if your partner is being abusive?

This is a safe space to talk about abusive relationships. We're none of us therapists or social workers, but we will listen and offer our best advice and help when we can.

If you are in immediate danger, please take steps to protect yourself. Here are some resources:

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
A toll free call within the United States, offers free confidential counseling.

RAINN Hotline
1-800-656-HOPE
The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. Your call will be transfered to the nearest crisis center, all counseling is completely confidential.

And links to relevant information here at Scarleteen:

Crisis Hotline

Support Groups FAQ

Kyth

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Kythryne Aisling
Scarleteen Advocate

"The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform."
-- Alfred Kinsey

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Lilfran14
Activist

Posts: 183
From: Buffalo, NY :)
Registered: Feb 2002

posted 02-27-2002 08:08 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lilfran14     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ok well this happened to me almost two years ago. i dont know what to call if so im hoping to look to you to help me out with if it is or is not abuse! When i was 14 i was dating a 18 year old senior in high school. we were going really good and everything was great. Then we started to get into alot of fights and argue over everything, and i tryed to take a stand and say enougs enoughs and i tryed to walk out a number of times, but he wouldnt let me, he would hold me down or restrain me, then another time he slapped me in the middle of the mall cuz i said something about how his friend was ugly..i mean iwas just joking for one and for two that shouldnt be enough to set anyone off..but was this abuse?? he use to physically hold me down, and then mentally he would tell me that i should kill myself and that it doesnt matter just do it, i dont know what to call it but ive always been curious about it..so please was this abusse?

~Katie Frances~

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glitter695
Activist

Posts: 1976
From: NY:)
Registered: Oct 2000

posted 02-27-2002 08:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for glitter695     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
YESSSSSSSSS!!! It is considered abuse, and nobody should have to take that. I am glad that you got yourself out of that relationship.

Next time you are ever in a relationship that invloves that, you should call someone, or talk to a close friend. Its not worth your life, just to please your boyfriend and what he wants!

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*~*~12/3/99*~*
Bobaroony & Erica Bearica
<3 love forever!

Monk N Bear~ Best Friends Forever! ~Luv ya babe!

*~*Scarleteen Advocate*~*

One ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Heather Corinna

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Lin
Activist

Posts: 2294
From: Singapore
Registered: Dec 2000

posted 02-27-2002 09:36 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lin     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I would have to say it is sweeto. No one has any right to hit you. Your bf has even less right.

You have been going through emotional and physical abuse. I hope you are out of it now and are moving on.

Remember if you are ever in such a situation again, please contact someone of authority. Be it the police, a family member or a school authority. You do not need to put up with this hon.

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Laura
Activist

Posts: 106
From: Chicago, IL
Registered: Apr 2001

posted 03-03-2002 09:10 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Laura     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Just to add to the wise words of the others...

Even though it sounds like you've gotten yourself out of that relationship, sometimes abusive relationships leave scars that take a long time to heal. It can be hard enough to deal with the fallout of abuse, but it's really hard to deal with it by yourself.

So even now, two years after the fact, if you're feeling down about something he did or said to you, please talk it through with somebody, okay? (I know, at least, that the good folks at Scarleteen are willing to listen. )

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ashleylovesdan
Neophyte

Posts: 12
From: Orwigsburg, PA, USA
Registered: Mar 2002

posted 04-02-2002 11:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ashleylovesdan     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I just left a highly abusive relationship I got beat daily i am 18 and I still after 4 months have NO trust for my new BF I always think he is going to cheat m=on me or hurt me I still remeber the days of getting beaten!! I get flash backs alllll the time it kills me inside!! I don't think I will ever get over this also I am very jealous over my boyfriend and other girls and him having things from other girls that he used to be with in the house we live in???? Need some help please!!

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Laura
Activist

Posts: 106
From: Chicago, IL
Registered: Apr 2001

posted 04-03-2002 07:56 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Laura     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Write things down. Get a nice big fat diary, and write down all the reasons you're angry at your ex-bf, and all the incidents that are giving you flashbacks, in as much detail as you can remember. Believe it or not, this is actually an excellent first step in helping you forget these things.

The way I figure it, your brain is like a packrat - it instinctively tries to remember everything it can, just in case it needs it later. In my case (five years ago), I was afraid to forget all the gory details about my abusive ex, because I was afraid that when I told people what a jerk he was, they wouldn't believe me unless I could back it up with evidence. By writing down the "evidence", I no longer felt like I had to hold on to everything in my memory, because I had it written down. So I could start letting go.

This isn't a miracle cure-all. There's no magic wand we can wave to make everything better. (Believe me, if I had one, I'd use it.) It takes time for scars to heal, so let yourself have that time. But do try this, and see if it doesn't help a little.

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light_faerie
Activist

Posts: 67
From: Somewhere over the rainbow...
Registered: Mar 2002

posted 04-08-2002 04:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for light_faerie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
My boyfriend would never hurt me physically, but when I read that post that kythrine wrote about emotional and verbal abuse I realized how many times he puts me down during the day and all the rude comments he makes to me that he dosen't think are rude, but golly to me they are way harsh. He has also played mind games with me before, because he (in his own words) was giving me a "taste of your own medicine" just to see how I liked it. I have talked to him about this, and he has stopped almost completely, but still after reading kyth's post it got me thinking.

What my boyfriend did wasn't major, but still I feel for all the girls out there who have it the same or worse. Good luck for anyone who has survived any form of abuse. You will all be in my prayers.

Love,
light_faerie

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cupcake
Activist

Posts: 433
From: Canada
Registered: Jun 2001

posted 04-09-2002 08:56 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for cupcake     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm actually starting to wonder if my friend is in an abusive relationship, or the beginnings of one.

a) they never touch. like at all.
that I could put off as being uncomfortable in public, even though tehy didn't used to be.
b) she has to ask permission to do things, or he'll get mad at her, and basically hold out until she comes crawling back.
c) she's just flat out not allowed to do some stuff, like go to dances, or sport competitions, becasue he's convinced she's cheating on him, or if she goes away, it's less time he can spend with her.

And apaprently there's 2 sides to him, a nice caring side, and the angry, money sucking, protective side of him (her words)

What do we say to her? Anything?
Cause to me and some of her other friends, this just doesn't sound right. Not within the normally boundaries of a relationship.

But she seems to just want to test him out, see how far she can go behind his back, how much he'll put up with.

Is that really a good idea, or is she setting herself up for more trouble?

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Dude_who_writes
Advocate

Posts: 673
From: Michigan, US
Registered: Oct 2001

posted 04-09-2002 05:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dude_who_writes     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
That definantly sounds like a controling and disfunctional relationship, at the very least.

Your best bet is to communicate with your friend (in private) your feelings on her relationship, and be open to hear what she feels about it as well. If she's comfortable with "testing the waters out", then you've got to respect her decision. She has to be the one to do anything -- putting yourself in between can be a tricky situation, and might end up costing yourself your friendship.

Ultimately, communicating with your friend is your best bet -- talk to hear about your feelings, but also be open to hearing what she has to say. If she wants to get out of the relationship, offer support and assistance in any way that you can. If not -- the point is, it's up to her what she wants to do.

------------------
Tim

"Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the faces you people make mid-coitus." -- Metatron (Dogma)

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Laura
Activist

Posts: 106
From: Chicago, IL
Registered: Apr 2001

posted 04-09-2002 07:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Laura     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by cupcake:
What do we say to her? Anything?
Cause to me and some of her other friends, this just doesn't sound right. Not within the normally boundaries of a relationship.

There's not *necessarily* anything wrong with wanting something that's "not within the normal boundaries of a relationship." In my opinion, some amount of game-playing or emotional push-and-pull *can* have a place in a relationship that's healthy (if not always "normal"), as long as everyone involved is on the same page about what's going on.

In this particular case, though, it sounds like it could be really easy for one or the other of them to cross the line. Use common sense. Does she ever seem like she's honestly upset by the things he does? Does he seem like he'll become at all violent if she goes beyond "what he'll put up with"? If so, then there's obviously a problem. If not, then at least make sure she knows you'll be there for her if the relationship does cross the line.

Another thought: it sounds like your friend is into playing mind games. Maybe you could try getting her together with a bunch of other friends and playing some actual *games* (like Mafia or Psychiatrist or whatever's popular in your neck of the woods) that involve that sort of thing? If she's just seeking psychological thrills, then maybe she could get them in a situation where there's no possibility of anyone actually getting hurt.

Anyway, you sound like a great friend. Keep it up.

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Shann02
Activist

Posts: 54
From: South Carolina, USA
Registered: Mar 2002

posted 04-22-2002 04:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Shann02     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I was just about to start a topic on this after reading a post by DitzyDixieChick in the Pregnancy/Parenting forum before I saw this.

Occording to www.ndvh.org

quote:

Nearly one-third (31%) of American women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend in some point in their lives.

Estimates range from 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend each year to 4 million women who are physically abused by their husbands or live-in partners each year.

In 1996, among female murder victims in the US, 30% were slain by their husbands or boyfriends.

40% of teenage girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.

1 in 5 female high school students report being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner.


These statisitics are alarming! If you are in an abusive relationship, PLEASE GET HELP! Tell a person that you trust about the situation. They'll help you.

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