This is a safe space to talk about abusive relationships. We're none of us therapists or social workers, but we will listen and offer our best advice and help when we can.

If you are in immediate danger, please take steps to protect yourself. Here are some resources:

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
A toll free call within the United States, offers free confidential counseling.

RAINN Hotline
1-800-656-HOPE
The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. Your call will be transfered to the nearest crisis center, all counseling is completely confidential.

And links to relevant information here at Scarleteen:

Crisis Hotline

Support Groups FAQ

Kyth

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Kythryne Aisling
Scarleteen Advocate

Next time you are ever in a relationship that invloves that, you should call someone, or talk to a close friend. Its not worth your life, just to please your boyfriend and what he wants!

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*~*~12/3/99*~*
Bobaroony & Erica Bearica
<3 love forever!

Monk N Bear~ Best Friends Forever! ~Luv ya babe!

*~*Scarleteen Advocate*~*

You have been going through emotional and physical abuse. I hope you are out of it now and are moving on.

Even though it sounds like you've gotten yourself out of that relationship, sometimes abusive relationships leave scars that take a long time to heal. It can be hard enough to deal with the fallout of abuse, but it's really hard to deal with it by yourself.

The way I figure it, your brain is like a packrat - it instinctively tries to remember everything it can, just in case it needs it later. In my case (five years ago), I was afraid to forget all the gory details about my abusive ex, because I was afraid that when I told people what a jerk he was, they wouldn't believe me unless I could back it up with evidence. By writing down the "evidence", I no longer felt like I had to hold on to everything in my memory, because I had it written down. So I could start letting go.

What my boyfriend did wasn't major, but still I feel for all the girls out there who have it the same or worse. Good luck for anyone who has survived any form of abuse. You will all be in my prayers.

a) they never touch. like at all.
that I could put off as being uncomfortable in public, even though tehy didn't used to be.
b) she has to ask permission to do things, or he'll get mad at her, and basically hold out until she comes crawling back.
c) she's just flat out not allowed to do some stuff, like go to dances, or sport competitions, becasue he's convinced she's cheating on him, or if she goes away, it's less time he can spend with her.

And apaprently there's 2 sides to him, a nice caring side, and the angry, money sucking, protective side of him (her words)

What do we say to her? Anything?
Cause to me and some of her other friends, this just doesn't sound right. Not within the normally boundaries of a relationship.

But she seems to just want to test him out, see how far she can go behind his back, how much he'll put up with.

Your best bet is to communicate with your friend (in private) your feelings on her relationship, and be open to hear what she feels about it as well. If she's comfortable with "testing the waters out", then you've got to respect her decision. She has to be the one to do anything -- putting yourself in between can be a tricky situation, and might end up costing yourself your friendship.

Ultimately, communicating with your friend is your best bet -- talk to hear about your feelings, but also be open to hearing what she has to say. If she wants to get out of the relationship, offer support and assistance in any way that you can. If not -- the point is, it's up to her what she wants to do.

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Tim

quote:

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Originally posted by cupcake:
What do we say to her? Anything?
Cause to me and some of her other friends, this just doesn't sound right. Not within the normally boundaries of a relationship.

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There's not *necessarily* anything wrong with wanting something that's "not within the normal boundaries of a relationship." In my opinion, some amount of game-playing or emotional push-and-pull *can* have a place in a relationship that's healthy (if not always "normal"), as long as everyone involved is on the same page about what's going on.

In this particular case, though, it sounds like it could be really easy for one or the other of them to cross the line. Use common sense. Does she ever seem like she's honestly upset by the things he does? Does he seem like he'll become at all violent if she goes beyond "what he'll put up with"? If so, then there's obviously a problem. If not, then at least make sure she knows you'll be there for her if the relationship does cross the line.

Another thought: it sounds like your friend is into playing mind games. Maybe you could try getting her together with a bunch of other friends and playing some actual *games* (like Mafia or Psychiatrist or whatever's popular in your neck of the woods) that involve that sort of thing? If she's just seeking psychological thrills, then maybe she could get them in a situation where there's no possibility of anyone actually getting hurt.

Occording to www.ndvh.org

quote:

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Nearly one-third (31%) of American women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend in some point in their lives.

Estimates range from 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend each year to 4 million women who are physically abused by their husbands or live-in partners each year.

In 1996, among female murder victims in the US, 30% were slain by their husbands or boyfriends.

40% of teenage girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.

1 in 5 female high school students report being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner.

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