what are your experiences with cutting? you can use this as a safe space to share them.

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personally, I'm going through a tough bit with this right now. I cut for about 5 years, increasingly as the time went on - it would stop for awhile and then I would start up again, usually when I was depressed or in a mixed mood (I've been diagnosed bipolar for two years, and have the bad habit of not taking my meds to avoid side effects).

now that you have the history, my issue is this: I had to buy my insturment of choice, a cheapy snap-off xacto knife, today for an art project. I'd come up to college purposely leaving my blade, and now I have one for another purpose, and I can't stop thinking about using it. I think I'm going to throw it away and use scissors even though they don't work as well...but that's giving up, and I really think that I can get through this and not cut (I haven't cut in about 8 months now).

so I may be posting here just for a bit of support now and then. thanks, guys. again, feel free to share.

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~lemming, Scarleteen Advocate

I started off with picnic knives, they're so dull it burns. Then eventually I moved onto safety pins and after that I fashioned a throw-away razor blade to my liking (clipped off the end to expose the blade) and that was my weapon of choice. All this went on until eighth grade when my mom found my blade covered in blood (she goes through my room all the time) and I went to a therapist for like a month and a half and then I refused to anymore.

*present*

I hadn't cut since like, last Christmas. I was so happy. Once while I was in Boston I thought my uncle had read my online journal. It was just a computer glitch thing but he's the only person in my family I trusted and living with my mom who follows me when I go out, reads my mail, and goes through my stuff I couldn't deal and did it again.

Then this guy I liked a lot, we were practically giong out, made out with my best friend and taht hurt me so much I did it again.

And just recently..like last week I did it again.
Now...I've been fine since then. Except then I hooked up with this guy and jacked him off and he fingered me..the thing is he had a girlfriend and I knew that and she found out and they broke up. I couldn't believe that I had purposely caused someone so much pain, so much unneeded pain. So I carved "die **** up" into my ankles and it's still there. The scab won't come off.

You know what's worse? Today my friend confided in me that he thought I was just doing it for attention. Every one of my friends agree. Yeah, I can't wear sandals or shorts just because I want attention. I'm ******* up my whole life and everything just because I want attention (there will be horirble consequences if my mom finds out I did it again). God it makes me so angry.. the people I trust with my life think I just want attention...Well I'm done now

Brittany

PS: now it's your turn, whoever you are

PSS: hey we ARE in support groups! whoa...

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I'm the good girl that everyone thinks is a bad girl pretending to be a good girl

I started in my late teens I think. I attacked my legs for ingrown hairs and left lots of scabs and scars. I moved to my bikini line so my father would stop hasseling me. I always pick at my face as well. Right now I have a scab on my chin.

I remember picking as a form of stress relief. It was a nightly ritual. I would take out my supplies and pick away. I felt good during it but them I would look at the blood and the marks I left and be so upset with myself. However, I do feel I have some chemical imbalance because I get a release of endorphins when I pick. I feel almost high when I do it. It is very hard to fight the urge and to get past the desire to do it.

By cutting one's body, one can transmute or change the emotional pain that one's feeling into physical pain, which can be easier for some people to deal with.

When kept up on a regular basis, it's not really to be seen as a desire to commit suicide; the motives are different.

works for me.

Brittany

quote:

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Originally posted by moonbeam:
is it to show how hurt you r inside ?

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it has absolutely nothing to do with show. the way i usually explain it to people is like this:

u want to know that your pain is justified. u feel rage/hopless/etc. and u want to know that it is real. when u bleed, u can see that your pain is real and you can see the rage dripping off of your wrist, the hoplessness proving that you are in control of your body. all you want to do is get it out. when you see the blood, if begins to feel better. "you bleed just to know ure alive" (iris-goo goo dolls).

my story begins very young. i was about seven when i first started hurting myself. i would plan elabourate romances of braking my ankle or snaping my back. i would never go through with these things, i was scared. i would however shove needles through my fingers, razors across my shins and glass into my feet.

the habbit really began to worsen when i was in sixth grade. one of my friends decided that in order to prove that i was worthy of his friendship, i would have to prove that i wasnt a wimp. "easy" i thought. all he wanted was for me to scrape my nail on my hand until it bled to his satisfaction. he never said stop, so i kept going. i earned his respect. --edited--

i havent cut for about 5 months now. ive been tempted, buh i have no where on my body to do so because my bf worries and "searches" for the marks. my last cut was razor, i took 23 slashes at my forearm to get it out and also popped a few pills. i found early on that the sooner u pop a couple pills, the sooner the pain is gone. herbals work wonders once the adrenaline is pumping.

dont take my advice above, take this. cutting is the hardest thing to hide, the hardest thing to start and the hardest thing to quit. once a cutter always a cutter wheather your blade is in practice or not. wait out the rage/hoplessness/etc. and get someone to be with you when ure in the state of mind. do your best to avoid.

this is my story. quite long i know.

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reality is an illusion

Note from the Smurf: I, personally, found this very upsetting. I suggest you get some professional help. And in the future, refrain from using such graphic examples. Thank you.

Please don't leave your email addys in your posts. It's for your own safety and you agreed to this when you signed up. Please review the guidlines

hi, my name is luciana and i am a recovering self mutalator.

its been helping a lot. ive stopped, but still, every blue moon i get so very very very upset at myself.

quote:

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response to the smurf:

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got help, dont do as often obviously. there was a question about method, i provided. this is supposed to be support, not encouragement, i closed accordingly.

I survive with unipolar depression, notice I didn't say suffer, because that implies giving in to it. I wish I were bi-polar, because at least sometimes you're happy then. Uni polar lows are just as low but the highs only get to mediocer. I can't get happy, I am pysically incapable of it. What somebody said about cutting being the hardest thing to start, do, and stop is true.

I haven't cut for 10 months, and I'm so proud. I have good friends, we kind of came together because we all have done it. My friends are supportive, I finally this past year have gotten to the point where they don't check my hands and wrists and legs for marks. When they did I resented it, but now I realize that when I hurt myself I hurt them. It took me until September last year to realize it. That people loved me.

My mother put me in therapy last August because I was out of control, it was my last chance before I was medicated. It took me months to even tell me group that I was a cutter. And they cared. I had all these people that CARED. I just couldn't hurt them that much anymore.

Now I hit a low, and I think about all of the people I've hurt, and how they had always cared about me, unconditionally, and how hurt they looked when I did, it keeps me straight now. I cry a lot, but I don't hurt myself anymore.

I know that was very long winded, but I had to get out all aspects of it.

quote:

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Originally posted by moonbeam:
Hi just wondering why do you guys do it? is it to show how hurt you r inside ? I have a friend who does it when hes upset or guilty and just wondering why? no offence just curious if you actually know.

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You need professional help. It's not okay to harm yourself ... By cutting yourself or making yourself vomit. Both can be linked to depression and you need to seek help. The sooner you do, the easier it will be on you when you're trying to get better.

This is the only good info I could find, but I will keep looking.

I'm a skin picker, too. I have a little mirror on the edge of the sink in the bathroom that I set up so that I could pick my skin when I'm on the toilet. I'll just sit there and for up to ten minutes pick at my skin. I do it probably 3 or 4 times a day... I just HAVE to pop every blackhead, dig out any puss, and pop every pimple. And once I've popped it, I can't stop picking at it and creating a scab. I love it when i'm doing it, but I don't like what it does to my skin. And I didn't even think of it as a problem until I read Beppie's post. It was just... Something I did.

So I'm going to try to stop picking so much. It won't be easy, but I'll give it a shot.

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Don't mess with Texas

[Edited so as to get rid of the horozontal scroll that the URL was causing. It's still there, but now it's nice and streamlined. -- Dude]

"I've been marking my left arm, cutting scratches in it with a knife. I wanted to break through the skin, but the knife wasn't sharp enough. This wasn't because I wanted to die. This didn't have to do with my plans for possible suicide. I was doing this because it felt good. Not the pain, or the feeling of the scratches. It was the feeling of knowing I could mark my own body. It showed I had control over something. I could do with it what I wished. As out of control as my life was, I still could choose to damage my own body however I wished. I had been thinking about doing this for months. I knew somehow it would make me feel better.
Psychiatrists would say this had to do with an anger towards myself. I'm not angry at myself. I just yearn for control over something. The best feeling of all was when I moved into better light, and I was able to see my handywork. I felt proud of myself. It was a comfort. I think I might do it again sometime. With a sharper knife, if I can stand the pain.
Two dozen and some odd number of little red marks. My friends."

Since then, I've done it several times more, each time getting more severe. This last time (just yesterday) drew blood. I still can't believe how far I went; the underside of my arm is covered in dark red cuts. It looks even worse today then it did yesterday. I laugh everytime I look at my arm (mostly out of disbelief).

I was in such a good mood yesterday morning after I did it. Ironic, really, because I felt like crap beforehand. I hope no one sees the marks and asks questions. I don't feel like explaining. I think I'll just respond "Rabid badger attack." and walk away.

Anyway, I've been seeing a psychiatrist for over six years now. I'm on a large amount of medication, and for the most part, I do have things under control. Sometimes though, things will get rough (emotionally) and I will need to "vent". Cutting lets me do that. It does more then that, actually. Quite frankly, it puts me in a pretty good mood!

I'm not too concerned about it. It's not causing me any significant or permanent damage, and it's a HELL of a lot better for my emotionally stability then any other method of "venting" I've tried (believe me, I've tried em all).

Hopefully one day I'll be able to find a cute little masochist girlfriend to spank the hell out of whenever I'm feeling that way (the urge comes from wanting to hurt something), but until then I have my left arm. Oh well.

quote:

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I'm not angry at myself. I just yearn for control over something. The best feeling of all was when I moved into better light, and I was able to see my handywork. I felt proud of myself. It was a comfort.

---

I will honestly admit that at an emotional level I don't understand the mindset behind self-injury, although I do understand the theories. I personally never had the desire to injure myself.

I'm glad you're seeing a psychiatrist to help deal with your problems. I'm quite aware that emotional problems can take years, even decades to deal with. Honestly, though, I'm not sure why you're writing here. Do you just need an outlet? Well, okay. Do you want validation that causing yourself harm is okay, or even good? I, for one, refuse to provide that.

There are other ways of "hurting" yourself in a good way ... Sort of. I used to want to cut too, and i would just go for a run for about an hour. Then i'm just so tired that i'll have a shower and go to bed. Things are better in the morning about 95% of the time. This mainly helped me b/c i've just put all my negative energy into running ... I was sooooo angry/pissed off/upset/hurt that i just had to 'blow off steam'. Maybe you should try some other sort of physical activity that will give you the same "high" as cutting will.

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--Hollie West
*~Scarleteen Advocate~*

Yes, BDSM is supposed to be enjoyable to both parties. I personally get no joy whatsoever from harming an unwilling or unhappy partner. Part of the turn-on I think is the fact that they enjoy it.

What I was attempting to explain was that the causing of physical pain in another is an anger release for me. It's not me carelessly wailing away on a poor person to make myself feel better, it's very different then that. It's hard to explain. It just makes me feel better. The very best part is comforting them afterwards.

You know what? I shouldn't use the word "anger". That's the wrong word. It's not anger that I have a problem with. Forget I ever said anger. It's FRUSTRATION. And that to me is completely different. Frustration to me means feeling helpless. That's what I have a problem with. Playing the dominant side that has control of things is basically healing. S&M is not just a sexual thing for me. It's very, very emotional.

I'm really the opposite of what you picture when you think of someone with that sort of problem. I'm extremely easy-going. I don't get angry easily, and when I do it passes quickly. I'm not at all a dominant or controlling person in real life. I'm quiet, somewhat shy, and not a leader-type.

Inside, though, is the desire to be in a relationship with someone I can have control over. Not in a I'm-gonna-be-selfish-and-not-care-about-your-needs sort of way. Just the opposite, in fact. I want to CARE for someone, and provide support for them, and keep them happy.

I thank you for sharing your opinion LilBlueSmurf, but I don't require anybody to tell me what's wrong or unhealthy in a relationship. I have quite a developed system of ethics and morals, and the fact is, I agree that taking your anger out on someone is not something you should do (nor is it something I want or plan to do). It's my fault for not explaining myself better.

In response to Lady Moonlight's post, I request and expect no validation. I'm quite aware that my method of emotionally venting is not a good one. However, it's all I have that works for me at the present time. I have tried virtually any way you can think of to relieve myself of anxiety and frustration (including exercise, LilBlueSmurf), but cutting is the only truly effective method. I wish you could know just how helpful it is for me. To be completely honest, I see NOT cutting as more destructive then choosing to cut. Besides, it's not really a common occurance. Once every few months, max.

And yes, posting about it (with the hopes of finding someone who can relate and understand) is an outlet for me.

There has been posts for people w/ eating disorders. A quick search of the boards would tell you that.

Here ; http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum9/HTML/000001.html

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--Hollie West
*~Scarleteen Advocate~*

When this first began, nobody noticed the marks on my arm. Now everybody seems to be noticing, creating some awkward, though sometimes interesting situations. Somebody in my figure drawing class asked me if I got attacked by a cat. hee hee.

Hm, you know, I think the very worst part of cutting yourself is the healing. IT ITCHES!! ARRGH!!

With obsessive compulsive behaviour it can be very useful to put the desire aside and do something else. It takes work and time but is a good behavioural method to get cutting and other OCD behaviours under control.

In my case I am picker and when I feel a need to pick I remove myself form the situation. Going outside is good because I do not pick in public. Typing or designing on the computer can be useful as well because I keep my hands busy. I am not a cutter so giving myself a pedicure or manicure is a good activity to keep myself from picking. This would not work for people who pick at their hands or would use the instruments to cut themselves, but for a face and body picker like me it is good.

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Louise Lalonde
-Scarleteen Sexpert & Volunteer du Jour

Actually, i think my cutting episodes started b/c of depression and eventually went to both depression and OCD. So now i have not only one hurdle to get over, but two. It's been a year and a half tho, so i must be doin' something right

DigitalSky ~
Congratulations! What may seem like a small accomplishment now will get bigger and bigger ... It's good that yo'ure not feeling the urge to cut. Review what yo'ure doing that puts you in a good mood and what gets you really really down. You can't avoid being "down", but you can find ways around it so you don't stay there forever.

As for the scratches/cuts ... Make sure you clean them well so they don't get infected. Using cottonballs and alcohol/peroxide will clean it up pretty good, and then putting some anti bacterial cream on it and maybe putting a bandaid over it if it's really bad should be enough.

Next time you feel the urge to cut, get an elastic band and put it around your wrist. Pull it a few times ... It hurts doesn't it? Yes, yes it does. It's hurting just enough to stop the cravings for pain (if that's why you do it, that is) but not causing any permanent damage. I'd rather have a red mark or even a bruise for a day or so than have scaring for the rest of my life ... wouldn't you?

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--Hollie West
*~Scarleteen Advocate~*