I lost my second a few weeks ago (which was probably a good things considering my current situation!) and it was hard to deal with..

If you've lost a child at a young age, or had a miscarriage, how did you deal with it, and what advice can you pass along to other people who have recently lost a child?

My condolences, first of all. It's not easy to lose a pregnancy, particularly when it's wanted.

When I was 24, I lost a pregnancy halfway through my sixth month. I was married at the time, and my ex-husband and I were, in fact, not trying to conceive... I was on the Pill, and using it correctly, when I got pregnant. (Turns out that I have an underlying hormonal imbalance that makes the Pill much less effective for me than it would be in a more 'textbook normal' patient.) I decided to have the child, and actually had a very good pregnancy until I got very sick with influenza and ended up losing the pregnancy as a stillbirth due to that illness.

How did I deal with it? I cried, I talked to my baby and told her I was sad she couldn't come be with me but that I understood that sometimes things go wrong, I talked with friends who have lost pregnancies (whether by abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth), and I just waited it out. Things do get easier with time.

One thing that was very helpful for me was having a friend of mine give me a small pottery figurine from Mexico, of a mother holding a small child. When she gave it to me, my friend said "Hold on to this for a while. A friend gave it to me when I had to have an abortion, and someone had given it to her when she had a miscarriage. If you want to be a mom someday, you will be, and when you decide that you no longer need to hold on to this little figurine, give it to someone else who does."

It felt good to know that I wasn't alone, and that the fact that I was holding that little figurine meant that other people had gotten to the point where they didn't need to hold it, and someday, I would too. A few years later, I gave that figurine to a friend of mine who chose to abort a pregnancy because a chromosomal test showed that her baby would have been born with Tay-Sachs Disease (a degenerative disorder; children born with Tay-Sachs rarely live longer than 10 years, and it is a painful, difficult, medically awful life). If I had another figurine to give, I would happily give it to you.

The wheel keeps turning, and eventually, it gets easier. Now I realize that it would've been near-catastrophic for me to have had a child at that point in my life, and that I am very glad that I do not have a child that would tie me to my ex-husband (let's just say that there is a reason he's my ex). I believe these things do happen for a reason, even if we don't necessarily know the reason... sometimes you don't find out until well down the line.

Hang in there, hon. *hug*

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Hanne Blank
Co-Editor, Scarleteen

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When I was 24, I lost a pregnancy halfway through my sixth month. I was married at the time, and my ex-husband and I were, in fact, not trying to conceive... I was on the Pill, and using it correctly, when I got pregnant. (Turns out that I have an underlying hormonal imbalance that makes the Pill much less effective for me than it would be in a more 'textbook normal' patient.)

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That was how I got pregnant (well, kinda).. I am on two different meds for chronic depression and epilepsy.. which basically caused my pill to be redundant. AND they didn't warn me before going on the meds.

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I decided to have the child, and actually had a very good pregnancy until I got very sick with influenza and ended up losing the pregnancy as a stillbirth due to that illness.

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I get sick quite often.. flu, colds and then some, so it would have probably been very difficult had I held on..

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How did I deal with it? I cried, I talked to my baby and told her I was sad she couldn't come be with me but that I understood that sometimes things go wrong, I talked with friends who have lost pregnancies (whether by abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth), and I just waited it out. Things do get easier with time.

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Likewise. I cried for two days, then I dried up and couldn't cry anymore for something which seemed so natural. i found it very hard to grieve because my b/f wasn't being very supportive (he didn't come near me until I was 'over it'). I still get sad thinking about it though

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One thing that was very helpful for me was having a friend of mine give me a small pottery figurine from Mexico, of a mother holding a small child. When she gave it to me, my friend said "Hold on to this for a while. A friend gave it to me when I had to have an abortion, and someone had given it to her when she had a miscarriage. If you want to be a mom someday, you will be, and when you decide that you no longer need to hold on to this little figurine, give it to someone else who does."

It felt good to know that I wasn't alone, and that the fact that I was holding that little figurine meant that other people had gotten to the point where they didn't need to hold it, and someday, I would too. A few years later, I gave that figurine to a friend of mine who chose to abort a pregnancy because a chromosomal test showed that her baby would have been born with Tay-Sachs Disease (a degenerative disorder; children born with Tay-Sachs rarely live longer than 10 years, and it is a painful, difficult, medically awful life). If I had another figurine to give, I would happily give it to you.

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That is such a good idea.. I know so many people who have lost children recently (in the last 2 or so years) it would have beena real help to most of them.

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The wheel keeps turning, and eventually, it gets easier. Now I realize that it would've been near-catastrophic for me to have had a child at that point in my life, and that I am very glad that I do not have a child that would tie me to my ex-husband (let's just say that there is a reason he's my ex). I believe these things do happen for a reason, even if we don't necessarily know the reason... sometimes you don't find out until well down the line.

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Given that I just broke up with the father, it would have been terrible for both of us to go through pregnancy and birth knowing that neither of us wanted to be there.
Also, I know I'm too young!

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Hang in there, hon. *hug*

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Hugs to you, too, Hanne

entropie.honeylaser

How could I have ever known
That this day would come
That they would do what they did
And that you would be the result
of my suffering
I loved you the day that I found out
And I cried as they told me the truth
It was impossible for me to carry you
Too much for both of us to go through
Now I had no choice, I had nowhere to run
I cried and I cried and wondered what you could've become
In this world, so cruel, and so cold
I always wanted to have you to hold
I had no choice, it was life or death
No other options, nothing else left
I prayed and I prayed but it was still the same
They told me I had to decide, life, or death with pain
I know that you deserved a life, but I deserved one too
and someday I promise, I will come back for you
No matter what they say, I will always remember you with me
And even though our eyes never met, I'll
love you unconditionally
Until my days are through
I will always be with you

I'm very sorry for your recent loss. (((hugs))) I lost one baby to miscarriage at 9 weeks when I was 15 years old. It wasn't a planned pregnancy, but we rarely used anything so not really a big surprise. My boyfriend and I had just broken up when I found out I was pregnant. I chose to keep my baby, but I didn't tell my parents because I was sooo scared they'd force me to abort the baby. I lost the baby 9 weeks later due to the illness I have called systemic lupus, I had autoantibodies which caused the miscarriage.

How did I deal with it? I fell into depression unfortunately because I didn't get very good support. People called it a blessing in disguise. To me, that was my baby and although I was scared, I wanted that baby. I felt weird being sad over a baby that to most people, wasn't even a baby yet. Eventually I found WONDERFUL support in a support group and realized the feelings I had were normal, it was okay to cry over my baby and miss my baby. That's when I began to heal and accept that I was not meant to be a mom then, but one day I would be when the time was right. Sometimes I still think about my baby, I light candles on her angel day (I've always called my baby a her, for whatever reason) , also lit candles on her due date, when I feel sad about whether or not I'll ever be a mom, it makes me feel better and it helps me deal.

Also, October is infant and pregnancy loss awareness month. Again, I'm very sorry for your loss Entropie, my thought and prayers are with you.

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}{*Starry Ali*}{
Alisons Life

The only thing to do was get on with our lives and hope for the best. When my spouse concieved a second time, there was hope as well as fear. Since no reason for the still birth was ever discovered, this pregnancy was treated as "high-risk". The entire pregnancy was closely monitored and we had a healthy son in 1980.

I grieved for a long time after each one, and I still grieve occasionally. I spent a lot of time talking to other women who'd experienced pregnancy loss, and wrote a lot in my journal. This may sound odd, but both times I "felt" the babies around me for days after the miscarriage, which was very comforting. (That's not unusual for me, since I "feel" ghosts on a fairly regular basis.) I talked to them and cried and just let myself mourn until I felt like I could start to pick up the pieces and go forward again. I knew somehow that both babies would have been girls, and we had already picked names -- Sarah and Madeleine.

It was an incredibly painful experience, but at the same time, I'm grateful for what it taught me.

Kyth

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Kythryne Aisling
Scarleteen Sexpert