and then after I was raped and came to terms with realising that I had an abortion even though I never really wanted to admit that it did happen, even a few years after it happened I still wasnt even sure if I did go through with it, just one of those things I pushed so far back trying to forget I suppose and then I had found I poem I had writen which made me realise that it actually happened, and then I needed to come to terms with it. after all of that I was "cutting" myself anywhere from 1-20 times a day, which then lead to carving derogatory words into my feet and ankles.

around this year my self injury has slowly dwindled down, but every now and then I do have my relapses.

She needed the extra hand, and bad. She met this guy *Bob, and they "fell in love" and got married. So, now I have this step-dad, that can be GREAT one second and then turn into a beast the next. He always threatens to kill my brother or I.

I am 16, and like lots of teenagers my age, we try to stick up ourselves...if he yells at me, I will yell just as loud and hard rite back at him. He is NOT my father. I don't know my father. I barely remember him cause he left my mom like when I was very young. Technically, I dont even KNOW my real parents. I am adopted and DREAM of meeting them one day. ANYWAYS...whenever my step-dad gets angry he will take it out on me and my brother especially. He never hits my lil sister who is 6, but ALWAYS me and especially my brother. He has never hit my mom either. When he gets mad, I always know there is nothing to stop him.

He gets soo mad, and then afterwards, he always starts to talk like he is our best friend like.."Even though you are not my kids by blood, I consider you to be and I love you," blah blah blah. I think it's cause he doesnt want us to tell anyone he does it.

Whenever he is done beating us and after my face is about beat red from all the smaking, I can't help but to go and cut myself. I try to stop , but it's like something possess me and makes me do it or something. It doesnt hurt ONE bit though. I have never attempted to committ suicide, but one time, I over dosed on aspirin..I took about half of the bottle hoping that I would have to go to the ER and they would find out about *Bob.

My dad wouldn't let me go to the hospital or even the Dr. I felt like I was going to die for about the 2 weeks I was sick. I couldn't eat, and I ended up losing almost 35 pounds. I constantly threw up water stuff since I didnt have food to throw up.

Suprisingly he hasn't gone through a mad phase for a couple of months, and I pray every nite that he never does again, but I know it's too good to be true.

Thank you for listening to me! I have NEVER told anyone. Not even my best friend. I know if I told anyone, my dad WOULD kill me. And i dont want to have to live thinking about that.

My mother is just as bad as my father but has only put me through emotional abuse (as well as my father) a day usually doesnt pass without them telling me how worthless I am, or how much of a slu* and a whor* I am...mind you I dont have a boyfriend,I have never had sexual intercourse, heck I havent even kissed a guy...They know nothing of my past experience (rape, abuse, etc) because they are too nieve to ever notice anything, and even if they did notice something in all reality they wouldnt care.

and yes I can see how it all can lead to you cutting yourself, since it does the same for me.

I am SOO glad that I can relate to someone like myself. I really will be glad when I go to college so that I won't have to deal with it anymore.

My dad is really bad at calling me names too, anything from whore to crackhead, but most common is bitch...that's like my everyday name...Not Andrea, bitch instead.

I have NEVER gotten into drugs or like sex stuff. I HAD a boyfriend, but at my house, whenever I have a boyfriend (which isnt often), the name calling gets worst.

I went though the same thing: basically, the abuse of a steparent was what brought me to self-mutilation. From the time I was 13 until I was about 15, I always carried a razor with me and carved into my forearms with every passing whim. It actually took through my early twenties for those scars to fully fade.

I think some of what happens is that when you are abused, you feel so terribly powerless that hurting yourself becomes something you can actually control. Physical pain (though for most cutters, and it was soon the case with me then, you don't feel much after a small time), if you can reach it, often makes emotional pain seems smaller.

I need to say to both of you, though, something you already know: you are both in what are potentially very volatile situations, that if someone was in the wrong mood, could turn truly bad on you suddenly.

It makes me so upset when abuse victims tell people what is happeneing and people don't believe. Perhaps because I went through it too. But what you can do at the very least is to keep a few places and people on hand that you can get to very quickly if things go bad. At the very least, get a listing for safehouses in your area.

And you can control it, but probably not on your own.

Just so that you have it, I just went and looked up some resources in Michigan for you, and here they are:
- Michigan Assault Hotline: (800) NO-MEANS-NO
- Michigan Crime Victims Services Commission
Contact: Michael Fullwood
Address: 320 S. Walnut St. Lansing, MI 48913 Phone: (517) 373-7373
- Michigans' Gov. Child Abuse Chapter: (517) 482 - 7533/ mikfoley@aol.com
- The clearinghouse manager for exploited/abused children in Michigan is" Sargeant Gregory Jones in Lansing, at (517) 333 - 4017.
- The National Center for Victims of Crime offers a number to get you a local referral at: (800) FYI-CALL.

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THE KNIFE IS ON THE TABLE I PUT MYSELF TO SLEEP- KiTtIe

Here is a list of things that helps SOME (key word here) people when they have the urge to self injure.

deep breathing

relaxation techniques

call a friend, your therapist or a crisis line

try not be be alone (visit a friend, go shopping, etc.)

take a hot bath

listen to music

go for a walk

write in a journal

wear an elastic around wrist and snap it when you have the urge to harm yourself

some people find it helpful to draw red lines on themselves with washable markers

instead of cutting themselves
hold ice cubes in your hands - the cold causes pain in your hands, but it is not dangerous or harmful (some people find it relieves the urge to harm themselves for that moment)

punching a bed or a pillow (when nothing but a physical outlet for your anger and frustration will work).

scratch draw a picture on a thick piece of wood or use a screw driver and stab at the piece of wood. (can be another physical way to release your emotions without harming yourself.)

avoid temptation (i.e. avoiding the area in CVS where the razor blades are kept, etc.)

try to find your own creative ways as outlets for emotions.

learn to confront others/making your own feelings known instead of keeping them inside

go outside and scream and yell

take up a sport (a form of exercise can help you release tension, etc.)

work with paint, clay, play-doo, etc. (the person who suggested this mentioned that they would make a big sculpture and do whatever they wanted to it. They said it was helpful to calm the urge to self-injure, plus it gave them some idea of what might be underlying the pain.

draw a picture of what or who is making you angry

instead of harming yourself, try massaging the area you want to harm with massage oils or creams, reminding yourself that you are special and you deserve to treat yourself and your body with love and respect

go to church or your place of worship

wear a pipe cleaner or something that will fit on the places that you injure. One person did this as a way to remind herself that she could call someone instead of hurting herself and that she had other ways to cope.

break the object that you use to self-injure as a way to show that you have control over it.

write a letter to the person(s) that have hurt you and express how they made you feel. Theses letters do not have to be in perfect form and you do not have to please anyone but yourself. You do not have to give these letters to the people, but it is a great way to release the feelings that you are carrying within. After you write the letters, you can decide then what to do with them. Some people find destroying the letters help (i.e. tear them up, throw them in a lake, etc.)

do some household chores (i.e. cleaning)

do some cooking

try some sewing, crossstitch, etc.

recite a poem, prayer or anything else familiar the comforts you multiple times

write down all your positive points and why you do not deserve to be hurt

write in your journal why you want to hurt yourself and if you have hurt yourself, write down what caused it to happen so in the future you can prevent it from happenings - or find out what your triggers were

Play some kind of musical instrument. Even if you don't really know how to play, picking out tunes is a way to concentrate and help get rid of the urge to harm yourself.

yoga

allow yourself to cry. Getting the tears out can make you feel better. It allows the inside to release, as opposed to self abuse. Picture your "ickies" pouring out as you cry.

Take a shower

write down a word best associated with what
you are feeling (i.e. horrible, sad, lonely, angry) and continue to write it down, over and over. Sometimes when you do that, the words looks silly etc., and it puts humor or

a smile in your life.
sing a song on what you are feeling. It's another way to get it outside. Shout if you are made, etc. Let the words just come to you.

Scribble on paper. Clutch the pen in your fist. It's a way to diffuse it on to paper. (Get a few sheets so they don't tear.)

Take item you are self injurying with and use it against something else. For example, if you are using a razor blade, rip it across a towel. Sometimes seeing what "can" be done to an object can make a person think twice about using it on themselves. Can also give the feeling of "doing it"...the tangible aspect.

Make a list of reasons why you are going to stop cutting. Every time you get the urge, read the list to remind yourself why you shouldn't. Also remember to put on that list that you do not deserve to hurt yourself. You are important and special and you do not deserve to be hurt.

~Misty

Im going to get help!

I could have shot through the roof i was sooo happy!!!

I used it and ended up with huge welts and bruises... and although it wasn't permanent, it was probably a lot more painful than cutting.

Scarleteen doesn't keep paid psychiatrists on our staff, and a psychiatrist is really who you need to go to for this. It *does* sound like you have something that's interfering with your life, and causing you distress, though we can't diagnose you.

Really the best thing you can do for yourself is to see someone trained in these sort of things. Even if you do "have some sort of mental problem," it's not your fault and it can get better.

It's okay.

And I won't tell you not to cut, but do keep yourself safe, and any time you need to, leave a little message on the boards.

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~lemming, Scarleteen Advocate

I can't stop cutting now... it's like an addiction. I always go back to it. I know I just started, but I don't see myself stopping anytime soon.