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Author Topic:   Abuse and Rape Survivors
devilkinder
Activist

Posts: 30
From: Somewhere, i'll call when i know~*~
Registered: Apr 2002

posted 05-08-2002 12:43 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for devilkinder     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I thankfully am not a rape victim. But some of my friends have been and the thought just makes me sick. How can family members do this to children/teens? Lucky I was able to help them talk about what was happening with people that could help them. And they got so much support not only from my family and I but from everyone. My mom is a rape victim though..She was raped at 14 and 16 by her mothers boyfriend. And because of this I have two brothers that I've never met. Even though I may never have been raped it has impacted my life and I never mind helping and talking to people who have been victims.
You all have my respect and thank you for sharing your stories*muahhh*
--->DramaChic PLEASE seek help, it may be the hardest thing you ever have to do but do it. He has no right to control you in this way. Get help before it gets worse or too late. I cried for you when i read this, i wish i could hug you, you are in my prayers. Please do whats best*good luck*


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*~*Kiff*~*

[This message has been edited by devilkinder (edited 05-08-2002).]

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DramaChick
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Posts: 19
From: Houston, Texas, United States
Registered: Mar 2002

posted 05-08-2002 07:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for DramaChick     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
First off i want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. I really needed to hear some of the things that you said. Well, after i read what you guys wrote i started thinking of my boyfriend raping me as something that he wasn't allowed to do. I never did that before...i always assumed that since i wasn't ready for sex he didn't have a choice but to rape me. anyways, a couple of days after kythryne and HereToHelp posted their messages, i went up to my boyfriend, and took off the collar, he had made me wear it since we started dating, and told him that i'm a person, not a pet. he was furious...he tied me up, and raped me and then he called 2 of his friends over to his appartment to help him "punish me". I had never been raped by multiple partners since i was 14, and i couldn't take it, i decided i couldn't sit back and try to accept it anymore, so after the rape, i went to the hospital and i'm pressing charges...i'm so scared right now...i have slipped in to cutting myself, and i feel so guilty for ruining my boyfriends life. I couldn't help it (turning them in), it was just so hard to sit back and feel like my own body didn't belong to me anymore.

I can't thank any of you enough for being there for me, it made me so happy to know that there are people out there who aren't like my ex-boyfriend. I hope that i will get over the guilt and feelings of shame, but right now i don't think it's in my future. the flashbacks never end and i feel like nothing helps except a razor blade.

HereToHelp, i just wanted to say thank you for writing, i didn't know that there are some guys out there who respect girls, and their decisions. I wish you and your girlfriend all the happiness in the world,
she's a lucky girl to have you in her life.

Kythryne and Devilkinder: hearing input from people who have delt with this personally or through friends really helped me feel like i wasn't alone. I am eternally grateful, and if either of you ever need to talk i am always on the boards, so just ask.
-DramaChick

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HereToHelp
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Posts: 8
From: US
Registered: Apr 2002

posted 05-13-2002 04:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for HereToHelp     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
DramaChick, you have no idea how happy i am to hear that you are out of that relationship, I'm terribly sorry that things ended so violently, How are you doing? It might not seem like it to you right now, but you did the right thing, those guys need to be locked away, and don't you dare feel guilty!!! You had the right to protect yourself, and i'm glad that you finally are. DON'T GIVE UP!!! talk to someone about the cutting, and try to remember that you aren't alone. I hate that this is true, but there are a lot of girls in your shoes right now, and i'm sure that some of them on this sight wouldn't mind helping you through this. Keep in touch. you're in my prayers.
-Jeff

[This message has been edited by HereToHelp (edited 05-13-2002).]

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kythryne
Advocate

Posts: 1685
From: New York City
Registered: Oct 2001

posted 05-13-2002 05:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for kythryne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
DramaChick, I'm so very very very glad to hear that you decided to get out of that relationship. Leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly hard, but honestly, I think staying is harder in the long run. You're absolutely doing the right thing by pressing charges against the people who raped you -- and sweetie, don't think for a minute that you're ruining their lives. They brought this upon themselves. No one and nothing forced them to rape you -- they chose to do so. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Okay? Even if you don't believe me now, keep repeating that to yourself. It is not your fault.

And hon, I'd really suggest looking around for someone with professional training to talk to about everything that's happened. Call a rape hotline, or a therapist, or a domestic violence shelter, and just see what's out there in the way of support for rape victims. You've taken the most important step already, but it's also really important that you find some support. We'll help you as much as we can, of course, but we're not trained councilors or therapists, and there's only so much we can do over the internet.

But again, hon, I'm so very glad to hear this, and I hope things go well for you. Keep telling yourself: it's not your fault. Okay? Best of luck, sweetie.

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Kythryne Aisling
Scarleteen Sexpert

"The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform."
-- Alfred Kinsey

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Beachbaby701
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Posts: 9
From: Nashua, NH, USA
Registered: Jul 2002

posted 07-31-2002 12:27 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Beachbaby701     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It has been a long time since anyone has posted here, but I'm a new user and I just read it. I read the whole thing. All seven pages. And it helped me more than anything else has. I was sexually assualted by a family friend about 6 months ago. He was my age and it was at a church outing. I was asleep and when I woke up, his hands were inside me. Even though I was 16 (17 now) I had never done anything with a boy besides make out. I woke up because it hurt, but I felt powerless. I couldn't stop him. I wanted him to, I just kept praying he would. When he finally did, I acted like I didn't know anythign had happened. I was a wreck for so long. I stopped eating. I lost 18 pounds. My family, and his family who are all close to me, worried about me, but they thought I was just having problems with my b/f. I wanted to tell them so much. But I felt like I would tear our families apart. His older sister is my best friend and it took my a long time to tell her, but when I did, she helped me so much. I was finally OK. I even talked to the guy and he apolgized and that meant so much to me. Having him know what he did was wrong and had hurt me helped me move on. The reason I found this site(which has helped me more than I imagained it could) is because he has started trying to touch me again. Always when I'm asleep, or he thinks I am. I want to stop him, but I feel like I can't. He makes me helpless. I am trying to decided what to do and all of you have helped me a lot. I don't think anyone will read this, but finally telling the whole story(which I have never done) and writing it down, making it permenant, is really helping me. I also have so good news for anyone who might read this. There are indeed great guys out there. My current boyfriend is the most amazing guy in the world. He makes me feel safe and would be willing to never touch me again if thats what I told him I needed. Luckily, his understanding makes a relationship possible. I'm glad to know that my abuser doesn't ALWAYS have power over me. Hopefully I'll be able to do something against him, but untill that unlikley day: Thank you to all the brave surviors out there who have shared their stories and the wonderfull people who can give us the advice and help we need. God Bless.
~Liz

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confused333
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Posts: 473
From: Virginia
Registered: Jan 2002

posted 08-01-2002 01:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for confused333     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hey everyone
I have read all seven pages of this, cried and felt sick to my stomach. i have not been raped or abused. My friend almost got raped when she was really little by her brothers friend, but thankfully she got out of there.

All you people who have gone through this stuff are so brave and courageous. I could have never gone through what you all have and survived.

I realized awhile ago that what I wanted to do was help people who have been through rape, abuse and etc. when I get out of school.

All of you, i wish you the best of luck and many hugs.

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Why does a rose represent love, when a rose always dies??

Friends are like condoms, they help out when things get hard.

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tiredgirl1218
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Posts: 7
From: MA
Registered: Aug 2002

posted 08-03-2002 10:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for tiredgirl1218     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I just sat here and read all these posts. I don't even know how I found this board but I ended up here and I decided to write. I'm 23 now and had an experience when I was 13 that I have always considered something that just happened but wasn't a big deal.
I was always the "quiet one" wherever we were, I hung out with the party/jock/in crowd even tho I was none of those. I was "best friends" with the girls whose house we were at. There was always this particular guy that would harrass me constantly. This was because he couldn't get a reaction out of me. I always just ignored him. Well this nite he didn't really stop until he got one. I was sitting in the living room when he came in and sat across from me. No one else was in the room. He started saying stuff to me and then two of his friends came in. The started touching my legs and running their hands all the way up. The two who just came in stopped as soon as I told them to but the one guy just wouldn't. I kicked and yelled but he didn't stop until a someone came downstairs, that's when he was distracted enough for me to get away.
after a few minutes I went upstairs with a friend,not knowing he was there. When I walked by he grabbed me, at which point I screamed at him. Obviously this shocked everyone because I hardly ever talked around them. They all knew something was wrong when I starting crying. The older guys that were there kicked him out of the house and everyone pretty much tried to help me feel better.
I never trusted anyone after that. I never, still to this day have had a boyfriend. I shut people out. I never bcause depressed or anything. I just pretty much ignored it I guess. I feel like I use that as an excuse for me not being able to feel comfortable around guys. Because I still don't feel like it was that big of a deal.
I also realized that a friendship I had last year was really abusive. I ended it becuase I realized he was abusing his girlfriend, never even considering the fact that he did the same thing to me. Throught that friendship however, I met a really great guy who in the past year has become my best friend.
He saw right through everything and knew when to push and how to do it. I had this immediate trust with him, and it was such a strange feeling. He was the first person I ever talked to about what happpened and he made me feel better about it. He's helped me to open up to him and it felt so good to have that.
But I guess I have more issues than I ever realized because a few months ago he kissed me, and even tho I wanted him to I freaked out on him. I completely froze, and he knew something was wrong, knew that I was scared. We talked about it and he didn't realize that it was the first time that I had even done that. I don't want to blame all of my issues on something that happened so long ago, and that was something so little.
Thanks for listening

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froggish
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Posts: 41
From: Chicago
Registered: Jan 2002

posted 08-15-2002 02:50 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for froggish     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ooohhhhhh. Okay. *deep breath*
I've read this forum through a few times, and each time it's left me in a blubbery mess, not really coherent enough to write. I bet my post will be redundant, but I'm guessing this is more for just getting it out than to entertain.
I was sexually abused beginning at the age of 4 by my uncle; a pre-school teacher; and a neighbor-friend of my parents. This lasted until I was 12, the most frequent and most disturbing being my uncle, the other ones not very often but still awful. My uncle would get me while at my grandparents' house - I have all-male cousins and so I was often playing alone, plus my sister arrived when I was 3.5, making for some very distracted parents. I only vaguely remember an incident with the pre-school teacher, but I know it happened. The neighbor-friend was someone who babysat me and my sister (his children were our same ages) from 1st-4th or 5th grade after school, and somehow would get me alone in his bedroom or in the basement. None of these things were related, and my uncle is the only one who repeated it more than three or four times.
I do not know the reasons, but I never, ever have told my parents. I've always been the "good girl", never really causing much trouble, and my mom worked midnights when I was little, so maybe I never got a chance to tell her. It would hurt her too much, and cause a rift in our family. Also, I remember my uncle saying that he'd do something to my sister if I ever told, and being a kid who wanted to protect her baby sister, I believed him.
To compound this, perhaps, I (I've posted a bit about this) had a date-rape situation with a guy-friend within a few months of starting college.
The weird thing is that even when this was still happening to me, I was somehow able to pull myself out of it, get it together and have a reasonably "happy" childhood. I think it's called repression, but I never even consciously acknowledged that anything had happened to me until three or four years after it all stopped - I was a junior in highschool, and we read a book which involved molestation, and I had a total panic attack. Still, I kept it all inside, and it didn't even totally "all come back to me" then. I've always had trouble sleeping, so it didn't mean much to me when I started having 'night terrors' (startling awake in the middle of the night)...I never told anyone about this until February or March of this year (freshman year of college).
I'd never dated, and was friends with this girl until I started dating her. During the time we were just friends, we occasionally shared a twin bed (for convenience, mostly). I had told her a bit about "bad things" (which is sometimes the only way I can refer to them), but not very detailed. I apparently startled her awake one night, and she said I was shaking uncontrollably and making noises, and it scared her. I'm reliving it nightly, I wake up from night terrors that I'm being sexually assaulted, and I nearly physically feel the pain, and I'm so scared. So, over the course of a few months, I gradually told her most of what I can remember...and it's still very, very hard to deal with.
I've been waking up pretty much every night like this. It's draining. I have problems trusting, being alone with a guy in the room, sleeping alone, talking about sexual matters involving penetration or BDSM-type things (although I've discovered that I *am* able to enjoy other types of sex, which in itself was a difficult journey, getting to a point where I believed I could still enjoy stuff)...It very muchly upsets me, angers me, that these bad things happen to so many people, yet I feel totally helpless. I'm shaking, crying, right now. What angers me the most is that these things do not only affect me sexually; it is totally apparent in every relationship I have, every personality trait, anxiety, etc.
I wonder if this is the beginning of a healing process - remembering, re-living, and then moving on.
I'm rambling. Oh jeez. It does help to know that others have been there. Thank you.

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~*frog*~

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DramaChick
Neophyte

Posts: 19
From: Houston, Texas, United States
Registered: Mar 2002

posted 09-23-2002 10:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for DramaChick     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I had a question for any fellow rape victims... I just joined a support group for rape victims, and about a week ago, a bunch of the girls in my group got together, and we had a sleep over. It was a great experience, we all shared our stories, and it really made me feel like i wasn't all alone in the world, anywho...here's my question. I've been raped by several different boys, but 4 of them pumped a blade of a knife into my vagina 2 or 3 times after they orgasmed....when i was sharing these experiences with the other girls, none of them had ever even heard of such a thing. How can it be so uncommon if 4 different guys did it to me?...does doing this serve some sort of purpose to the guy? Is there anyone else out there who has experienced anything similar to this? sorry for all of the questions...i'm just a little confused.
Thanks for listening
~DramaChick~

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cupcake
Activist

Posts: 433
From: Canada
Registered: Jun 2001

posted 09-23-2002 11:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cupcake     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Whiel I'm not sure it's COMMON persay, it's happened to me. My brother did it.
Except that in it his case, it was beforehand, because it turned him on to see me bleed.

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Dark_Wolf
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Posts: 37
From: England
Registered: Sep 2002

posted 09-24-2002 06:35 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dark_Wolf     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
My heart goes out to anyone who has the horrific reality of abuse or rape to deal with. I have not been abused or raped myself but my friend has. I have seen what it has done to him. It tore a once happy, bouncy child into a shadow of a human being. He attempted suicide because it affected him so much and that, inturn, affected his family, his close friends and all around him. Rape and abuse doesn't just affect the victim. He finds it hard to talk to his fiance, he finds it impossible to talk to his family or strangers such as councellors. (SP??) he has always been able to talk to me about anything but this topic is usually a no-go area. I know that he feels he will never forgive the person that hurt him so badly - how can you bring yourself to do that? How could you forgive someone of something so bad?
I like to believe though, that there are, however, more good people in the world than bad. (Not that I think rapists or abusers are bad people - I'll phrase it differently)
There are more people in the world that are willing to listen and help heal the wounds of abuse and rape than there are people who cause those wounds - so to all the survivours of rape and abuse, to all the victims and fighters...I am here for you. We are all here for each other and NON of you are alone.
And also well done to everyone who was brave enough to come out of the shadows that shroud this topic and tell people about their experiences...
Dark_Wolf XXXX

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CreatureOfTheNight
Neophyte

Posts: 11
From: Albuquerque, NM, USA
Registered: Jan 2003

posted 01-31-2003 12:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CreatureOfTheNight     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It's amazing how many stories that have been shared. It's almost disgusting how many of us had to go through something so terrible. Some of us will go on to live normal lives, and rarely look back on it. Others of us will stew in our own new found self-doubt and lack of self worth...and God only knows what else that came from this.

Some of us will have found justice, and maybe even a sense of peace regarding everything. Other of us (myself included) will find no justice. No jail term, or probationary period or slap on the wrist will ever take away our pain and what we have to live with on a day to day basis.

If you don't mind, I'd like to tell my story.

We'll call him "Ricky". Ricky and I had met once, and I thought we hit it off, but he never called. No big deal. I was about 14 or 15, so it was no big deal to me. When you're that age, the boys seem to come and go like that. We went to different schools, so I didn't have to face the shame of feeling rejected.

Well, my first junior year Ricky decided to change to my school. I never really talked to him in the beginning, but he kept flashing me that smile. The one that seemed to say he wanted to know everything about you.

Well, one day at lunch he came up to me while I was talking to my friend Josh. He was starting conversation, and was staring directly at my breasts.

"Ricky, I'm up here."

It was said softly and nicely, so he wouldn't get upset and so I could feel more comfortable.

"What did you say, *****?"

"I only wanted you to stop..."

"*****, if I wanted to talk to your ****ing ****, I would do THIS!"

His hands came out and pressed down against my breasts as HARD as he could. There were small little bruises there a day later it was so hard. He started growling and spitting and shouting at me, with his hands pressed so hard. Then he let go with one hand, and went down to my crotch. And then he walked off.

Court was...so hard. Insensitive lawyers and so many questions that lead to him being guilty of sexual battery.

Know what he got?

3 months probation.

So, sure, I'm bitter. I pray everyday that no one else has to go through with it.

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-Jocelyn

AIM: RockMyPunk

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vballchck
Activist

Posts: 72
From:
Registered: Jan 2003

posted 02-01-2003 04:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for vballchck     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
When I was in kindergarden (5) a boy lived down my street and rode my bus. we became kind of friends like we sat w/ eachother on the bus. i don't remember it well but i do remember that we did something i guess he told me it was a game, but it had something to do w/ a small piece of paper and sticking it in pants and trying to find it.... i know he did that to me, but i didn't do that to him (if that makes any sense). it didn't really harm me because i didn't think it was a bad thing then, i've told my parents (i think, unless telling them was a dream) but it was never brought up again. i think telling them or thinking i did kind of helped, because i think when i would of told them i learned about everything bad like that. i know i thought about that for a long time. i think it kind of scared me. i don't really remember alot, and i think it only happened once, or atleast i hope not more.
wow..i've never shared that story w/ anyone but my parents, not even my best friends, (probly because it doesn't bother me anymore)
but thank you for listening.. even though its not a big deal.

I'm sry that all those happened to all those people, i think its horrible that people really do that to others...i hope everything is ok for everyone...

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*sweetie*
Neophyte

Posts: 4
From:
Registered: Jan 2003

posted 02-02-2003 02:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for *sweetie*     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I have thankfully never been abused or raped-however i do know a girl who has been raped. This girl is one of my good friends girlfriend.......its so sad because my friend tells me that he loves her but she is so dishonest with him. She told him that she had been raped repeatedly by her uncle last year (she was 14-15) and when she finally told her parents they blamed her for it-but eventually they did get him in jail. But since that she has had sex 5 times and she told my friend she was raped again-this time at a new years party, and the sad thing is-my friend doesn't even think she was raped because she was really drunk and he thinks that she just didn't say no-and i sorta agree. And the other night she tried to convince my friend to have sex with her but he thankfully said no. Its so sad and confusing and i just had to say it
thanks for listening
~*Sweetie*~

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youcancallmepunk
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Posts: 197
From: north carolina, United States
Registered: Dec 2002

posted 02-03-2003 12:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for youcancallmepunk     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks, just for having this here. I've been so afraid to go to a support group in the past to talk about my close calls. I thought that I would be laughed at or ostracized (SP?) because I hadn't been raped and didn't know the actual pain of the experiance.

I've sat here crying from reading all these posts and wondering why it is there are so many responses to this particular thread. And why in this society rape or sexual assault isn't treated like the massive problem that it is.

Now on to my stories.

It was a nice, hot summers day, perfect for us kids (me and my friends from the same neck of the neighborhood) to go down to the park and play football on the field. I destinctly remember I was all for it, playing football on the cement was getting pretty bloody. So in a way I felt it was my fault, maybe if I hadn't made that particular decision it would have happened.

Well we went down to the park which had woods running adjecent to it. We played to our hearts content. Finally we all decided to give it a rest and come back later to pick up where we left off.

Everyone went off their seperate ways except for me and Chad. Chad was a good foot or more taller then me and gawky looking (though musclular.) He was, I believe 15, so I automaticly liked him. He was that older dream boat every adolescant in my neighborhood so wanted the attention of.

We were heading the same way, so we took the short cut through the woods. I was just walking along thinking and not paying attention and before I could even blink I was pushed against a tree. His sweaty, dirty, rough hands were all over me. I was only 11,though I already had breast, I guess he figured that I was ready for this, needless to say, I wasn't.

I somehow managed to get away and run maybe 10 feet before he tackled me and pinned me to the ground. He rolled me over onto my back and started kissing my neck and rubbing all over me. Eventually his hand led to the crotch of my shorts, he put his hand up in and ripped my pretty star panties.

I was crying by then, I openned it to try to scream - and nothing.

Somehow, I managed to squirm out from underneath him. Though he still had control over me, I kicked, bite, scratched, and somehow managed to flee. I ran down that path as fast as my legs could take me. To this day I love my legs for that simple fact.

I straighted myself out, wiped away my tears, and cleaned up a bit before I made it home. My mom asked me what happened because I was so dirty. I just said it was a rough game today, and went to take a bath and clean up.

I saw Chad one last time after that, he just asked me in a meek way not to tell his aunt what he did. I agreed!

I still have nightmares of that day. When I wake up I still smell sweat and dust, and I can't breath.

I never got over it, I just pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to forget, though I never really did.

That worked until I was 13. When I was thirteen I was kissing some guy in the back of a local hang out. No one could see us, so we were just making out. Nothing I couldn't handle. But then he put more pressure against my body and I was pinned to the wall. Still no big deal, I could manage, I thought I was a big girl.

Then he put his hand up to my breast and started groping, that wasn't okay. I told him hands off. He said in a whispery voice "you know you like it!" I really didn't! I tried to squirm away, but he somehow still had me pinned. His hand went roaming to my pants, he unbuttoned them and started to make his way under the band of my panties.

I had no other choice, so I bite him. I bite his tongue and tasted blood. He jumped back and called me a stupid bitch and that I didn't know what the fuck I had done.

He lunged at me and my knee through the grace of whatever managed to connect right were i wanted it. I stumbled back and I pushed him down about 4 feet worth of stairs.

I knocked frantically at the back of the building. Eventually a friend of mine let me in. He knew something was wrong, I was literally shaking. I couldn't form words yet, so I just sat. He waited until I was calm. I told him. He just sat there.

Eventually I left. My friend told me later that I would get no more problems from him. I dont' know what my friend did but i never had problems from that guy again.

God, I'm shaking right now from typing this. Only one other person knows about both of these things, but he never asked me to explain further then " i've just had really bad experiances with mean, and I mean sexual assualt type."

Weeew, thanks for just letting me get that out. I'm still dealing with these things, even years later. Sometimes I don't think I will ever be able to get past them but there are some days when I think I really can.

(sorry it's soooo long, didn't realize i had so much to get out!)

------------------
~Jay
"I am the sum of my parts and infinitely more so. The hum of my brain, the curve of my torso. The spark of my wit, the depth of my heart. Size is no measure in such a work of art" (from a Hanes Her Way ad)

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blue_gal
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Posts: 35
From: England
Registered: Apr 2003

posted 04-12-2003 08:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for blue_gal     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I was sexually abused when i was 9 years old by my grandfather.
My parents had gone on holiday out of the country and my nan and grandad came to look after us for the week. (me and my 2 sisters) Anyway the day after my parents left my grandfather took me in my living room and told me to sit on his lap, so naturally i thought it was fine as he was my grandfather. But after about 2 minutes of sitting on his knee he started to touch me all over. I knew this was wrong but i was so scared as he kept tellin me that if i ever told anyone what he was doing he would kill me. Afterwards i felt so dirty, but i didnt fully understand what he had done to me and the seriousness of it. He never touched me again after that day as i made sure to keep away from him.
I am now 18 yrs old and to this day ive never been able to tell anyone what happened to me in my front room that day, somehow ive been able to do a mental block and forget what happened in my house.
But now i feel it's time that i do tell someone as he needs to be dealt with and punished.
Thing is i really don't know who- as it's my mums father and this is really going to make it hard on all the family, plus it was so long ago that i don't know if anyone will believe me.

thanks for listening

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cranberry7
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Posts: 2
From:
Registered: Apr 2003

posted 04-21-2003 10:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cranberry7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
This is my first post, and up until now (after reading some of other's stories)vI have never considered that what my boyfriend is doing isn't okay. We first started having sex about a year ago. I didn't want to and I fought him, but he said that every girl hates it the first time and then it will get better. The thing is, it never gets better. I can't even count the number of times this has happened. I guess its not normal to cry everytime you have sex, or maybe I am just being stupid and I need to get over it. I want to make him happy and I try to do whatever he wants, but I don't like having sex. I have kind of gotten used to it though. Its not really that bad unless he is drunk, and then he gets really mad and he likes to hurt me if he has had a bad day, He says it helps him to vent. He doesn't really hurt me that bad, he will just slap me or kick me or punch me until I get a bruise or start bleeding a little. Its not like he really beats me up. I know he loves me, but is our relationship really as normal as he says it is?

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ookuotoe
Advocate

Posts: 2548
From: Na-tah-ka, MI, US
Registered: Sep 2001

posted 04-22-2003 11:46 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for ookuotoe     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Absolutely not. It is never okay for someone to insist you have sex. Nor is it ever okay for someone to "just slap me or kick me or punch me until I get a bruise or start bleeding a little," no matter how stressed out they are or whatever other excuse they provide. It is your body and you should be able to choose what happens to it, not simply have to go along with what someone else wants.

I cannot say enough how much I feel you should end this relationship. The way you are being treated is both abusive and illegal. You may also wish to seriously consider pressing charges. You deserve better than this.

It's hard to deal with abuse on your own. Talking to a therapist, school counselor, your religious leader, or anyone else you feel you can trust is likely to be very helpful. Our crisis resources section has some links that may be helpful.

[This message has been edited by ookuotoe (edited 04-22-2003).]

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Lin
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Posts: 2294
From: Singapore
Registered: Dec 2000

posted 04-22-2003 12:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lin     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
cranberry7 hon, I think you really need to get out of your current relationship immediately and speak to someone about what has been happening to you.

Honestly, you have answered your own questions in your own entry. It is never right or normal for anybody to cry at the prospect of sex much less during sexual activity itself.

It is your body and you have a say in whatever sexual activity that might be going on. It might be true that not every girl might totally enjoy her first sexual encounter but then again, not every girl's first sexual encounter was forced and abusive.

You say you want to make him happy but does he have any intention of wanting to make you happy or even wanting to treat you with love and respect?

What is happening to you hon is essentially rape. You do not have to put up with it and you should not have to.

Physical abuse is also not determined by the size of the bruise you have or the amount of blood you lose. My ex boyfriend would do stupid things like bite me or slam my head against his in a fit of anger and each and every time, I would drag him off to the police station with no avail. I finally ended it but to a certain extent, I will never be able to forget what has been done.

The thought that someone who claims to love you so profusely could raise his hand against you says alot about the kind of person he is.

You are flesh and blood, not a punching bag. If your boyfriend needs to vent, there are a million ways for him to do so without laying a finger on you.

I used to tell myself that as well about my ex boyfriend. That "he just bit me, it is not like he slapped me or anything"

But at the end of the day, the simply fact that he physically hurt you counts for alot.

No matter how much you believe your boyfriend does love you, no matter how much you try to justify his actions, the fact that you are asking us how normal your relationship is speaks volumes.

You do suspect that something is wrong and you shouldn't be treated the way you are being treated now.

Trust yourself hon and if you need someone to verify that your relationship is indeed not normal, you have it. It really isn't.

Please seek help for someone. A family member, family friend, school counsellor or anyone who might be able to help and protect you.

Below are a list of resources and articles which might be able to help you. Please take care and know that you do not have to put up with this for even one second longer. Sending tons of positive energy your way.

Crisis Resources

Dealing With Rape

Advice from an Abuse Survivor

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cranberry7
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Posts: 2
From:
Registered: Apr 2003

posted 05-06-2003 06:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for cranberry7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks for your advice guys. You were right. I did know something was wrong, I just didn't have enough courage to do anything about it. I tried to break off my physically abusive relationship and my boyfriend was so mad it resulted in me becoming a rape victim. I think he is embarrassed about what he did, and that's why I don't hear from him anymore. I didn't go to the police or parents or anything, I feel like this is something that I need to recover from on my own. So that's where I am right now, just trying to deal with this all...

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Intense Awakenings
Activist

Posts: 33
From: Lancaster, Ca, USA
Registered: Apr 2003

posted 05-06-2003 07:43 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Intense Awakenings     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I totally admit that I have yet to go through the millions of posts in this thread, but I have an issue that I've been dealing with due to being raped.

As I'm pretty sure I've talked about on previous threads, I was raped by my boyfriend on New Years Eve of 2000. Not only that, but I was molested by my mom's boyfriend when I was 11, and by my dad's roommate when I was 8.

I feel dirty since I actually enjoy being dominated during intercourse. I like to be held down and feel like I'm being raped. I feel horrible that I feel this way, but I do. Is there something wrong with me? I mean, I think this is normal, but then again, I don't feel normal. Even before I was raped, I liked to have sexual intercourse held down in a rape-like manner. Can anyone relate to this?

------------------

Love,
Amanda
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"Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

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youcancallmepunk
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Posts: 197
From: north carolina, United States
Registered: Dec 2002

posted 05-06-2003 10:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for youcancallmepunk     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
No, their is nothing wrong with you. Some people do prefer to be dominated while having sex.

Could these feelings of being "dirty" be linked to your rape? Though your having consensual sex, maybe these feelings are prompted by the domination factor. Have you ever thought of seeing a consoulor, or talking to someone about this (or the rape/molestation)? Talking to someone might help you sort out your problems, and it's generally a good idea.

Hope that helps a little!

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~Jay
"I am the sum of my parts and infinitely more so. The hum of my brain, the curve of my torso. The spark of my wit, the depth of my heart. Size is no measure in such a work of art" (from a Hanes Her Way ad)

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momomo
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Posts: 272
From:
Registered: Jun 2002

posted 05-07-2003 09:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for momomo     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I don't know if this really applies but I think I've been molested. when I was 11 this 15 year old used to force me to make out with him on the train home from school. he would make me straddle him and then he would touch me. one day he came to my house when my parents weren't home and lay down on top of me. i really didn't know what to do so i didn't do anything and i really regret that.
and then this past summer i lost my virginity to a guy that I thought i really liked. after that he just would tell me when he wanted to have sex and would do it. I would always say no and then he would force himself on me. i just thought it was normal until after we broke up when i started talking to people about it. I really wish I was more forceful with sex.

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Intense Awakenings
Activist

Posts: 33
From: Lancaster, Ca, USA
Registered: Apr 2003

posted 05-08-2003 12:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Intense Awakenings     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thank you, punk, you helped out a lot.

Momomo, if you did not consent to sex, then it was rape and you need to tell someone (police or parents or school councelor) about this.

Good luck.

------------------

Love,
Amanda
-----------
"Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

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alexthekid
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Posts: 6
From: AU
Registered: May 2003

posted 05-09-2003 10:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for alexthekid     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi, this is my first post and i just found this site 2 days ago.
I have just read this whole thread - 8 pages long (took a couple of hours) and i'm like very shocked and feel sad that this has happen to all of you.
I myself know that i would never do this to anyone else but now can't help but feel scaried about what could possibly happen to myself and to others.
Honestly some of your posts made my cry (i'm a guy... so that could seem a lil weird to u all).

I hope that you all can move on with your lifes and live a happy life.

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leila18
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Posts: 2
From: uk
Registered: May 2003

posted 05-09-2003 11:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for leila18     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi I just found this site and I've read all of the messages that people have sent in. It really helps knowing that I'm not the only one going through this sort of thing! I was raped 4 years ago when I was 13 and since then I've convinced myself that it was my own fault. I didnt tell anyone because at the time I was being bullied at school and I thought everyone would think I was making it up. I now wish I hadn't stayed quiet. I'm 18 now and I have a lovely boyfriend who respects me as a person and has shown me that not all men are violent or abusive. Being a survivor of rape has changed me.... for the better. I can now hold my head high and say that I'm proud of myself for getting through it on my own. I could easily of ended it all back then but I didnt and as a result of that I'm a stronger person. I hope this encourages all the girls out there who have been abused or raped. I was very much alone during my ordeal but it doesn't have to be like that for others. Keep your head high and keep fighting!!!

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leila18
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Posts: 2
From: uk
Registered: May 2003

posted 05-09-2003 11:21 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for leila18     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi everyone! My name is Leila and I'm from England. Four years ago I was raped (I was 13) and at the time I was being bullied at school so I didnt tell anyone. I just assumed that people would call me a liar so I kept it to myself. I couldnt even bring myself to tell my parents. Now I'm 18 and I have a wonderful life. I have a loving boyfriend who respects me as a human being and he has taught me so much. Although I still find some stuff hard, like when we have discussions at school about rape and stuff but I'm taking each day as it comes. This message is really to say keep going! I wanted to end it all so many times... it seemed easy enough to just cut my wrists or whatever but I pulled through and look what I have now. I'm not saying that life will always be peaches and cream cos it wont... but just remember that people do love you. Even in your darkest hour there will be SOMEONE who cares about you!
Thanks for listening and I wish you all the very best.
Love Leila xxx

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Aglaia
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Posts: 8
From: London,UK
Registered: May 2003

posted 06-08-2003 02:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aglaia     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I too was abused at a young age. Personally I don't have much of a memory of it anymore since I have spent so lpng trying to forget. Unfortunately I seem to have forgotten much of my early childhood with it.

But I do remember the guy, I was about 4/5 and it was in my summer holidays. He was 19/20 and a son of one of my parents friends who was staying with us for the whole summer.

I don't particulary remember how it started but I remember being quite horrified and feeling really really bad. He also tried to make me do somethings to him too. Still makes my stomach churn at times thinking about it. It lasted for the whole summer. I am now 16 and a few years back he came back to my house for a visit. ALl I couldn't look him in the eye for he made be feel so unbelievably small and stupid.

I don't mean to be horrible but when I recently found out he has been disowned by his rich parents(he was a spoilt brat) and ruining his life on drugs, I just couldn't help but feel slightly better.I know it's awful but it's like he's being punished. I haven't actually told anyone and this has been a really nice to get something of my chest.

Thanks for listening, It really is appreciated

Love, Aglaia

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Breezy119
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Posts: 44
From: Alaska
Registered: Jun 2003

posted 06-19-2003 06:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Breezy119     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Aglaia, I don't think you should feel badly that you feel a little relieved when bad things happen to that man you spoke of.

I myself am not a victim of abuse, but my mother and several cousins were, all by my great uncle. And I always have felt a little better and sometimes happy when something bad would happen to him. I just felt as if he deserved everything he got. I can't help but feel he should expierence immense pain for what he did to my mother and other family members. So I don't think its necessarily bad. Granted, I guess your expected to try your best to forgive and wishing ill of others is never a good thing, but I for one don't think you should feel guilty for the way you feel about him. Its natural to want someone who gave you a painful expierence, to feel pain in return.

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InlovewithLife
Neophyte

Posts: 16
From:
Registered: Jun 2003

posted 06-27-2003 06:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for InlovewithLife     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ive restarted this post, over, and over again, in an attempt to say just what i want to say the right way, But im quickly figuring out that there is no way to type "Me too" without wanting to just erase it and say it as differently as you can, so that you dont have to start crying.
My abuse started before my memories do, and lasted constantly until i was 8 and a half years old. I went to my Godparents house every single weekend, My mother had "shared" me with "Dottie", My beloved Godmother, because she was un-able to have children, and in letting her be my god mother, She also her take care of me on the weekends, It benefited both women, I'm sure. Dottie was, and is, a wonderful person- Her Husband "Carlo" was not of the same caliber.
She was the Director of Nursing at her hospital, and though i stayed with her on the weekends, she invariably got called out at all times, every day, to go do her job. It was those times that I was left alone with Carlo. It was during these times that he did what he did, the things he did are so numerous, and go so far back in my memory, that they meld into one almost- I have a few distinctly vivid pictures from the last years that i can still see in my head, But, i know that mother often worried about the redness in my private parts. I always said i had fallen quite hard, or that i had been hit with a bat, or something like that.
I covered him up because I was a young, impressionable child. He showered me with gifts, and whatever i wanted- and he always told me how much he loved me, and how much he adored me,and that when he touched me, this was just a physical representation of his love. Though nobody else did what he did, I accepted it at face value. I knew i didnt enjoy what was going on at all, and that something felt wrong, but, I had no way of knowing what.
It continued as he liked until i was in kindergarten, when they had a counselor come and talk about what abuse was,and what we could do about it. I couldnt believe it, I had felt it was wrong, but now i Knew it, but i had just the wee little problem that Carlo was my godfather, and that my parents loved and trusted him, Besides the fact that I loved and trusted him. I was at a loss, as any 5 year old would be, at what to do.
So, i began doing what they told me to do in sunday school, and i prayed. I prayed every single night for as long as i could remember, And all i asked was that my parents be blessed, and for Carlo to Stop. And, so, while i waited for God, it continued for 3 and a half more years.
Then, finally, when we were at my uncles house once, right before Halloween- i just couldnt go to sleep one night. I attribute it to God, or whatever higher power you can think of- I just, couldnt go one more night without my mom knowing. I felt compelled to go to their room and tell them- And so i went, Unsuccessfully twice i went, With my father screaming at me that whatever it was, it could wait. But, i knew it couldnt, So i went back a third time, and mom told him to let me, in, And more vividly than any other memory in my life, I remember sitting on that white metal bed, and telling my mother what i had longed to tell her for sooo long. She just cried, and cried, and cried- She held me, and had me sleep with her that night- And everything changed.
I didnt go to dottie and carlos house ever by myself again, And mom did everything she could to help me, She is so wonderful. My grandmother had volunteered forever in a rape crisis center, and she sent billions of books on what to do.
Out of love, and fear of crushing Dottie, we never told her. Carlo was an old man, he was dying of lung cancer I(He died when i was 12), and I asked nothing be done with the law- God would take care of him well enough. Dottie still never found out to this day- I dont think i could bear to tell her that i dreaded going to her house.
Because i couldnt take my anger out on Carlo, I scratched and beat up my little brother every chance i got- Which as you can imagine terrified my parents, so I went to a therapist for 2 years, and unfortunately, i think that my parents money got terribly wasted. Though she was nice, and we played lots of games, and i did stop scratching my brother, My pain never went away- I just buried it, deep, So deep i barely knew it was there. But it remained, and it stays to this day.
It will be 10 years since its been over in a few months, and the emotions that come out of me from realizing that just amaze me.
It makes me sick to know it happened, And it makes me a billion trillion times more sick to know that the 8 pages of posts i just read werent the only other ones out there. Its not fair to us, And we all deserve So much better. Im so sorry to all of my comrades, in this comradery that i wish that not one of us had to have.
Hopefully, some day, Ill actually get over it, and maybe move on- And i hope the same for everyone else too. I hope that the ability to post my story is proof (to myself) that i am moving past it afterall.
To anyone whos actually read this whole thing, Im so fricken sorry its so long- I couldnt help it- And to all the sisters i have from their similar experiences, Know that I stand with you in your grief, and when i cry, It isnt just for me.
Thank you.

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Be who you are, and say what you feel, Because those who mind Dont matter, and those who matter Dont Mind :)Dr. Seuss

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Trixie
Neophyte

Posts: 7
From: apollo beach,Fl,USA
Registered: Jun 2003

posted 06-29-2003 12:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Trixie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i posted this somewere eles but i think maybe you could better helop me....Memorial Day weekend i went to a party and got really drunk...afterwords i needed a place to sleep and someone iv known for awhile from school but never really talked to ,we'll call him Kert...said i could go to his house which was right down the street and sleep in his bed he would sleep in his parents since they were out of town...well when i got there (i was so drunk i only rember parts) he made a lil pallet for him and i to sleep on in the living room...anyone sober whould hae relised then and there that something was wrong. The next this i rember about that night was being on top of Kert and being in alot of pain (i was a virgin)the next morning when i was awakened mby a friend of mine who was asleep up stars i was in horrific pain. He (my friend Devin) told me that late last night Kert had walked into were Devin was sleeping and sai that he "nailed" me. Devin walked me back to the house the party was at were i was supoosed to be speanding the weekend and i relised i had blood on my panties. My biggest question was....was it rape if i didnt say no!? i wasnt in my right mind and i know that if i was it would have never ever happened (im only 14). I am so ashamed in myself that i would let this happen to me...i was basicly black out drunk and i dont know what to do because i feel as if i broguht it on and its my help...Sexperts please please help me im going crazy....i throw up when i hear his name and at nihgt i have nightmares about that night please...was i raped or am i just a little hoe like people say?

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~*Trixie*~

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8starsweeper8
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Posts: 1
From:
Registered: Jul 2003

posted 07-17-2003 10:02 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for 8starsweeper8     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi everyone.
I've just read through the whole 8 pages of your stories, and I'd like to add my story to the end in the hope that maybe one of you would help me out now, and eventually that it might help someone else out.
I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who has posted something on the board because its showed me that you can be brave and you can get through rape - I just have trouble seeing how sometimes.
I was raped two months ago. I was walking home on my own at about 1am after studying late at my friends house. Its only a 15 minute walk from her house to mine but parts of the road aren't that well lit and I know everyone says not to walk about alone at night but you never think anythigns ever gonna happen to you. There wasn't anyone around and as I passed these public gardens I noticed footsteps behind me. I looked behind and saw a guy. He yelled at me when he saw me looking at him and I just ran and he followed. He had a knife and pulled me into the park with him. It was like I wasn't there - he raped me in the bushes - he said he would cut me if I tried to stop him, so I just let him carry on. When he went to leave he kicked and punched me in the face. I reported it to the police, and I did everything everyone says you're supposed to do when you've been raped, so why does it feel so bad? I felt so grateful to be alive at first but now I'm not the person I was before. I used to be strong, and I wasn't scared of anything. Now I can't walk anywhere without looking over my shoulder and I have nightmares about it all the time. They never caught the guy that did it either which makes it worse because he could do it again.
Thanks for listening,
N.x

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youcancallmepunk
Activist

Posts: 197
From: north carolina, United States
Registered: Dec 2002

posted 07-17-2003 11:34 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for youcancallmepunk     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Sweetheart, first thing, I am so sorry what has happened to you, it is a difficult to try and come out of a rape. It takes years and years to heal, and it is ongoing process. Don't force yourself to feel a certain way, you feel how you feel for a reason. It is highly recommended that you see a counselor about rape, (s)he can help you work through it and help you manage to gain control of your life again, and feel better about yourself. In [NO] way was this your fault, just keep telling yourself that, it is the absolute truth!!! You shouldn't be feeling guilty for your actions after you were raped, you did the right thing, never doubt that. You attempted to stop him, it isn't your fault he wasn't he wasn't caught. Yes, you feel like your security was taken away from you, and in a way it was. However, you can gain it back.
It's kinda good thing that your looking over your shoulders, making you aware of your surrounding and such, but maybe you should take a self defense class, or actually classes, to help put some of that fear at bay.

Hope that helps

------------------
~Jay
"I am the sum of my parts and infinitely more so. The hum of my brain, the curve of my torso. The spark of my wit, the depth of my heart. Size is no measure in such a work of art" (from a Hanes Her Way ad)

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AgenDucky007
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Posts: 1
From:
Registered: Sep 2003

posted 09-07-2003 02:32 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for AgenDucky007     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hello. Iím a female and Iím almost 18 (but I prefer to remain anonymous). I have siblings who have used this site before, but I am new. I don't know if this is the place to write this, but I have a problem I feel like I need to share. I was directed here by RAINN after calling and talking with people there. They said that the best thing for me right now was to get involved with support groups.
I was raped as a young child by my baby sitter's 20-something son. I began dating at an early age and ended up with one bad guy after another. From the age of 10 until about 13 I got taken advantage of by 6 different guys. When I was 13 I began dating a guy *Cole* who was several years older than me. He told me I was lucky to be with him because I was so ugly. He told me nobody would ever love me like he did. I was scared to leave him. At first he was all talk. Then in about the 2nd year of the relationship he started to make me do sexual things. He would feel me up and force me to kiss him and if I told him no he would become enraged. He would hold me down, slap me, shove me...whatever he had to do. I lost all self esteem, and I believed that he was right, and I was lucky to have someone like him who loved me. Things continued to progress, and he began to want more and more. When I was 14, he forced me to have sexual intercourse (the first and only time in my life) with him. I hated it. I cried and begged him to stop. It was the worst moment of my life. I wanted to die. I felt so dirty. I felt so alone.
Around this time I met a very nice guy named *Jon*. I trusted very few males at this point, but there was something about him that made me feel differently towards him. I began to build an intense friendship with him, and through it, I built trust. I told him about how Cole made me feel (although I never mentioned the rape or abuse). Jon convinced me of what a good person I was and how I didn't have to put up with that kind of verbal abuse. He gave me the courage and strength to break up with Cole.
After some time (when I was 15), I began dating Jon. Things were wonderful. One day we were at his house and he kissed me and I flipped out. I began crying and screaming and I threw a fit. He didn't know how to take it, but comforted me and calmed me down. He told me that he wouldn't do anything I was uncomfortable with and he backed off physically. I, however, felt guilty for my actions because I had a weird perception that guys only wanted sexual things out of girls and it was a girl's responsibility to give guys sexual things. I for some reason thought that was how a relationship went. So I convinced Jon I was ok, and I let him try kissing me again.
As the relationship progressed, Jon and I became more physically involved. I trusted him and I dealt with my past rape issues by simply trying to forget about them. I realized that if I just refused to admit they ever happened, I could deal with my life. I didn't tell Jon about the rapings, and denied to myself they ever happened. Denial was my way of surviving. I began to actually feel comfortable with sexual things and I loved Jon.
Everything was starting to feel ok. I was on the top of the world, I loved Jon, Jon loved me, I was doing well in school for once, and I felt like my life was a success. Then about half a year ago, things changed for the worse. I began to have horribly vivid dreams in which all of the rape and violent acts that had ever happened to me would play over and over in my head. I wanted to tell Jon, but I couldn't. I trusted him and knew how much he would love me no matter what, but I began to regress into the thinking i had two years prior, and I felt too ashamed.
Our sex life began to get weird. I started to freak out whenever he did anything to me. We would have deep conversations about it and he would tell me that he didn't want to do anything if I didn't want to. I'd always lie and say I wanted to because I was afraid to upset him (although that makes no sense because he was never the type to get upset). Over the course of a few more months, I went back and forth with Jon. I would tell him I was sorry and that I DID want to be sexual. Then during sex I would freak out and cry and tell him to stop. He began to take my response very personally because he was baffled as to why I would tell him things were great and then act the way I did. He took it as a personal attack on himself and began to feel terrible about himself. He didnít understand what he did that was so wrong to make me dislike him so much. Little did he know that I didnít dislike him, I just was unable to handle sexual situations... and even more unable to tell him why.
The more that this went on, the more personal he would take it. It got to the point where I would tell him I wanted to do something sexual and then we would start to and Iíd freak out on him and he wouldnít stop. He started to get really annoyed about me stopping in the middle. He would cry and sometimes hold me down. He began to feel depressed because of my bizarre actions and began to handle situations in poor manners. He became volatile and violent at times, but never once meant to hurt me. He also became a little jealous of a friend of mine named Max (Iíll tell you about him in the next paragraph) and felt that I was in love with this friend and that was the explanation for my poor behavior. He became someone I didn't know he could be, and all I could think about was how it was all my fault. I felt so guilty. If I could have just told him, then maybe he wouldnít be so strapped for ways of dealing with my actions.
Around this same time I began feeling like I couldn't keep things in any longer. I confided everything into a friend of mine named Max. He felt terrible and expressed that he would support me and help me through all of this. I told him about the rapings. About all the boyfriends. About the nightmares. I told him how I would have sex with Jon but I didn't really want to. He told me that I should tell Jon that I didn't want to. I told him that i couldn't, and that the times that i actually did, jon would sometimes freak out on me. He said Jon was being abusive. I never thought of Jon being that way. He told me Jon was raping me like Cole and the rest did. To this day I still don't think this. Nonetheless, I listened to Max and broke up with Jon.
Soon after, Jon and I got back together. We were doing sexual things one night and we didnít practice safe sex. He had cum on his hand and then he fingered me. We thought I might have been pregnant (confirmed by tests). Neither of us knew what to do. Tension built between us due to all of the stress. One night we got in a fight about something stupid and I needed space and pushed him away from me and he shoved me back giving me a exponentially hard blow to my lower stomach/hip area and knocking me into a shelf. He totally didnít mean to shove me as hard as he did but still I freaked out because I was in extreme pain. I started to bleed like I had my period and from that day forward I was no longer pregnant. Iím not really sure what happened though...
Itís been about three months since all of this has happened. I broke up with Jon right after that night. We remained acquaintances though. After we broke up, I told him everything. I told him how wrong he was to act the way he did towards the end. I told him about all the rapings and all of my issues that he never knew. I told him I was going to get help. He said he would too. He apologized for the way he acted and said that he understood if I never wanted to see him again. He accused himself of being just like Cole and the others. He said he couldnít live with himself after stepping away from the situation and seeing what he was like from an outsiderís point of view. He started going to counseling. I told him that it would take time for him to build my trust back and that I needed to finally deal with unresolved problems of my own before being with him.
He became very committed to his counseling and is becoming the Jon I knew 6 months ago. Iíve become committed to helping myself too. Through our struggles to help ourselves, weíve been supporting each other. Iím gaining trust with him slowly, and heís working hard to be there for me. We became closer and closer, and a few days ago, I asked him if heíd like to try dating again. He agreed but said he thinks we should both take things slowly and continue to work on helping ourselves and helping each other. We both love each other, but we also know we have a long way to go.
Max is VERY against the idea of me ever going out with Jon again. He feels that I should never forgive what he did to me. He claims that Jon raped me like Cole and the others did. He is becoming very unsupportive of me during this time. Iíve always trusted his instincts, so I wonder if heís right. The fact that I donít have Maxís support makes me feel depressed. I feel like Iím losing his friendship and that heís distancing himself from me more than normal after me declaring that I forgive Jon.
If anyone has any advice for me about any of this, please share. I have sooo many questions. Iím so confused. I feel like Iím doing the right thing in dealing with all this, but I worry maybe Iím not. Do you think I shouldnít date Jon again? Was I raped by Jon? Is Max right? Am I doing the right thing?
Iíve been involving myself with support groups. Iíve called RAINN several times. I began a journal where I write everything about my past rapings. It helps me cope. I talk to Jon and Max which also helps (although Max is distancing himself and becoming less and less supportive). Am I dealing with this in the right way? What else can I do?
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this long and drawn out post. I feel like a weight is lifted just from writing it...almost like it was therapy to share even if nobody might read it.

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Miz Scarlet
Sexpert

Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 09-07-2003 11:44 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Flatly, I would trust Max's instincts too.

Statistically speaking, people who rape and assault don't tend to stop (and certainly not with just a couple months of counseling, or realizing that behaviour is wrong), and those statistics are OVERWHELMINGLY against them.

As well, I'd take a look at your history, not in terms so much of past abuse, but in terms of having trouble because of such with boundaries, and perhaps as well with choosing company which is nonabusive. Now, that's normal, and unfortunately very common, but it's something we tend to have to be REALLY aware of and cautious about.

Three months is a very, very short amount of time. And I'm all for forgiveness. But. Forgiving someone isn't the same thing as opening the door for them to do more you have to forgive them for. We can forgive and not invite further injury.

It's really hard when you've a lot to heal from, because it is an incredibly lonely journey most of the time, even with a good support system. And it's all too easy to reach out to whomever offers their hand and sticks around because it stinks to feel so alone. But when we're in the thick of healing, our judgement is usually not so great when it comes to that. And what I'd say to you, as bluntly as possible, is that the only people it is safe for you to date at this time are people who at the very least you know have NO history of being abusive in any way. Ultimately, that's something even most people who aren't survivors need at a bare minimum.

As an abuse and sexual assault survivor myself, I can have empathy for abusers, I can forgive or understand some. However, even now, in my thrities, years and years of healing past, there is absolutely no way I would date someone with any history of being abusive. Ever. That's a hard limit for me for my own safety, and someone who really DOES understand how terrible doing such is is likely to take no for an answer on that once and not press forth again because they know the dangers.

So, in short? You want hard truth? I'd say no. Don't date this guy: even being platonic friends with him is challenge enough, and is risky enough. Right now dating anyone is probably not a great idea, but dating someone who not only has a history of being abusive, but one with you, no less, is practically asking to put yourself right in harm's way and undo all the hard work you've been doing.

I know that's not a happy answer, but it's an honest one, and one I think is ultimately in everyone's best interest.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

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CrazyGirl
Activist

Posts: 136
From: City of Angels
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 09-13-2003 12:46 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for CrazyGirl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
-edit- I changed my mind about posting my story. I dunno, maybe another day. I guess I'm concerned that if I post it, I wouldn't just be some annonymous person anymore.

I tried, but just not ready.

[This message has been edited by CrazyGirl (edited 09-13-2003).]

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chaotiqanqel
Neophyte

Posts: 4
From:
Registered: Aug 2003

posted 09-15-2003 09:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for chaotiqanqel     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i've been a rape survivor...just check out my post labeled date rape....i would really love to have somebody to talk to about this so if somebody would want to exchange emails or something that would be great....thanks...

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KittenGoddess
Sexpert

Posts: 4399
From: USA
Registered: Oct 2000

posted 09-15-2003 09:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for KittenGoddess     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Psst...we don't allow users to post their emails on these boards. Emails also don't appear in user profiles. We just do this for your safety. Since this is a sex-ed message board, that makes it very tempting to some of the not-so-nice types of people who sometimes inhabit the internet. We don't want anybody getting hurt. Thus we encourage you to converse as much as you want on the boards, but ask that you not post emails. Thanks!

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Sarah Liz
Scarleteen Sexpert (and Labia Lady)

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QuietDarkDeep
Neophyte

Posts: 25
From: England
Registered: Sep 2003

posted 09-26-2003 03:44 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for QuietDarkDeep     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I have never been raped however I have had a bad sexual experiance that I still feel alot of shame and guilt about.
I think about it every day and I was wondering how other people who have had negative experiances of this kind are able to have healthy experiances with sex afterwards I find myself thinking about what happened if I get aroused also in the only other sexual relationship I have had I found it difficult not to think about what had happened.
I think this is probably because rightly or wrongly this was my first sexual experiance and therefore my association with feelings of this sort.
As much as I know logically there is no real blame in what happened in my past in my head I still have shamefull and confusing feelings about it.
Other people who have posted here have talked about having nightmares which are due to their experiances and I can really relate to that, I have often found it difficult to sleep in the dark and have even found myself being afraid of becoming scared if a nightmare did happen which made it difficult to sleep.
it sounds stupid I know to let your life be affected by a negative experiance and I am in awe of the people who have to deal with far worse things happening to them.

I would also like to say that this is the only place I have ever talked about this before and I really appreciate it.
Love to all
XX

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QuietDarkDeep
Neophyte

Posts: 25
From: England
Registered: Sep 2003

posted 09-26-2003 03:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for QuietDarkDeep     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I have never been raped however I have had a bad sexual experiance that I still feel alot of shame and guilt about.
I think about it every day and I was wondering how other people who have had negative experiances of this kind are able to have healthy experiances with sex afterwards I find myself thinking about what happened if I get aroused also in the only other sexual relationship I have had I found it difficult not to think about what had happened.
I think this is probably because rightly or wrongly this was my first sexual experiance and therefore my association with feelings of this sort.
As much as I know logically there is no real blame in what happened in my past in my head I still have shamefull and confusing feelings about it.
Other people who have posted here have talked about having nightmares which are due to their experiances and I can really relate to that, I have often found it difficult to sleep in the dark and have even found myself being afraid of becoming scared if a nightmare did happen which made it difficult to sleep.
it sounds stupid I know to let your life be affected by a negative experiance and I am in awe of the people who have to deal with far worse things happening to them.

I would also like to say that this is the only place I have ever talked about this before and I really appreciate it.
Love to all
XX

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