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Author Topic:   Abuse and Rape Survivors
Brina19
Neophyte

Posts: 5
From: memphis Tn. Usa
Registered: Sep 2000

posted 09-28-2000 12:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Brina19     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
once i was sexually abused by both my brother and my cousin.....i didn't know at the time that it was wrong only that it made my brother and cousin happy .....i cried and cried when i found out it was wrong and when i asked my brother and cousin to stop my brother did but my cousin didn't and i was scared .....i didn't know what to do not only was i too scared to talk i was scared of him too !! and when i tried to push him off he would hurt me and say it was all my fault in the first place and that i deserved it.....i believed himonly because i didn't stop it sooner....then a year ago i met a guy i told him all that happened to me when i was younger and he helped me through it all ...were getting married on my birthday next year and it brings tears to my eyes when i think about the relief i feel when i think about i'll i've been through and it's helped me alot to know IT WASN"T MY FAULT!!!

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Sabrina Monice Woods

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tantra divine
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Posts: 1
From: Pearland, TX, U.S.
Registered: Oct 2000

posted 10-26-2000 02:45 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for tantra divine     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Girls, don't be so hard on the sissy boys, the TVs, theTSs, and the androgs for they may have been in your shoes. i was raped when i was 14 by my best friend's father. i was a long hair boy in the not so groovy for me 60's. i wore unisex fashion and my mom gave me a makeover at 15. i hated guy drag. i always felt like a girl but the world was against me. So please, be kind to sensitive guys, you may never know why they are that way.

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GigGles
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Posts: 3
From:
Registered: Oct 2000

posted 10-26-2000 09:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GigGles     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
hugs for all you girls!
i know how hard it is, i've been in pretty the same position as you.
what happened to me is very difficult to tell, it happened just 2-3 months ago.
i came home from a fun day with my friend, i put my bike in the box and all of sudden there was that guy, he closed the door.
and than it began, he asked stupid little things and began to touch me, i slept him once and he forced me to do things, i cannot tell you, it's so horrible and very...i have no words for it.
but all the time, i just wished someone would come in... but this didn't happen...
when he was ready, he stole my money too and than went away.
i felt so terrible groose.
at home first i acted like nothin' had happened and told my mom and sis the day was fab. but all of a sudden i began to cry.
mom was very concerned & we went to the neighbour he said we had to call the police, so after a while the police came.
i was so tired (time~1200pm) i told them at first wrong things and we had to start over again and again. when they had the right version of the story they began to search for evidence and stuff like that, i went to the police station, a doctor examined me and gave me the morning after pil.
the next day i had to go the station to make a statement & i have made a composition draw.
and they told me he already raped more girls, and every time he goes a step further.
now it's like alost 3 months later and yesterday the police called me to tell me they had found someone who looks like the drawing i had made.
maybe i have to go to the station again to do an oslo-confrontation. or go to court.
but now i am just really scared...

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thongz*
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Posts: 1
From: london
Registered: Oct 2000

posted 10-31-2000 04:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for thongz*     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well i understand wot u all mean i've been touched and raped even on the bus and in clubs.my so called bf touched my vagina and because he's stronger than me i couldn't do anything but try to get away, many previous bf's have done this and worse things to me. my current bf does this and wants me to have sex with him, i want to say no but i love him so much i've known him for about 4-6 years i love him but he controls me and does what he wants what should i do???
plz help!

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Miz Scarlet
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Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 10-31-2000 04:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thongz,
So long as your voice box works, you have to say no. If you consent to a sexual activity, it isn't rape. I'm not intending to diminish your experience, but it's important to recognize what rape is literally and legally if we are going to discuss it.

Rape is a sexual activity -- namely, forced oral, anal, vaginal or manual sex -- which is done by one person to another who has refused consent to such acts, or been rendered incapable of consenting in some way (by perhaps making that vctim unable to speak or act, or due to things such as mental or physical handicaps).

If you allow a sexual activity and consent to it -- regardless of whether or not you think you should, or perhaps you;d rather say no, but do not -- it is not rape or sexual assault.

And one of the frist and most important tools for healthy sexuality, and for protecting yourself against assualt, is learning how to be honest, communicate, and say no when you mean it and to learn to defend yourself physically if no is ignored. But you have to start by NOT giving consent.

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niceguy16
Activist

Posts: 114
From: Cedar Rapids, IA
Registered: Oct 2000

posted 11-03-2000 11:04 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for niceguy16     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hey Everyone, I've been looking around scarleteen for quite some time now, so I can know about this stuff if anybody ever needs help or whatever I'd have an "idea" about what they might want to do. I just finished reading the whole rape and abuse board. I stayed up pretty late last night reading it and this morning also. Well I want to say I'm really sorry for all of you that have been hurt in any kind of way. I know a little, not sexual, but physical abuse feels like. I was beat a lot by my father, usually for little things. He also did many other things to others that is confidential and could hurt other people if shared. Luckily my mom divorced him and I moved in with her after getting tired of fighting with him all the time. It's a long story. Well I have to get some homework done so I'll be around!

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carol
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Posts: 43
From: brick
Registered: Oct 2000

posted 11-10-2000 04:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for carol     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
well i dont know where to start. but when i was 11 i used to go to sleep overs ay my friends house. my friend had a large bed and i would sleep there. one night i woke up in yhe middle of the night and felt my friends fingers inside me. i prentended i was still asleep. she kept fingering me and playing with my chest. i felt kinda confused because i
kinda liked the feeling but was embarrassed at the same time. when we awoke in the morning i didnt say a thing. i got dressed and left.

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niceguy16
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Posts: 114
From: Cedar Rapids, IA
Registered: Oct 2000

posted 11-18-2000 03:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for niceguy16     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hey,

I am so happy that I found this board! Tonight I was talking to a friend, she told me something that happened to her that she has never told anybody. If it wasn't for this bored, she would probably NEVER told anybody. I remember hearing SO many times..that telling just ONE person is a BIG step. I feel burdened but also enlightened that I can finally be there for someone. But I helped her out by using everything I have learned through my own experiences and through this one board. I want to thank EVERYONE on this board for sharing their stories. Cause as I found out tonight. It can be VERY hard for some people to share these types of things. Thank god for the internet eh? You people helped me SO much. A big hug to all of you. Well I need to get some sleep now. Thank you so much again. Good night. *yawns*

Josh

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StarryRedhead
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Posts: 367
From: NY, USA
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 11-19-2000 06:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for StarryRedhead     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Right before my senior year in high school I was sexually assaulted, forced to give oral sex to two guys. It still disgusts me and makes me mad that I got into the car with this group of guys in the first place, but I'm mostly mad because it's made me very untrustful of guys.

How did everyone learn to trust again? I know with the help of some EXTREMELY wonderful guy friends I have learned that there ARE plenty of truly caring, respectful guys, but I still have a lot of trouble going anywhere alone. And if a guy I don't know ever approaches me, even if he might be really great, I don't trust him and automatically assume he's going to hurt me. I feel like I'm missing out on getting to know a lot of guys because of this and it might be the reason I've only had ONE boyfriend in the past two years. So, does anyone know how to learn to trust again, or if you ever do??

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}{*Starry Ali*}{
"You flicker. And you're beautiful. You glow inside my head. You hold me hypnotized, I'm mesmerized..."
My Webpage-Alisons Life

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Miz Scarlet
Sexpert

Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 11-19-2000 06:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You know, Alison, issues with trust are what I have always found to be the most problematic residue from sexual assault and abuse. I know I have struggled with it my entire life.

In truth, it comes slow, really slow. I also find that for myself, because some of my abuse (sexual and otherwise) was with someone I knew that I am actually sometimes quicker to trust strangers than partners I know intimately, and that I go through very long adjustment periods where I actually trust people I love less. But in time, I pull through it, and so long as I have told that person what might likely go on with me, they usually make it through, too.

I suppose, cynical as it sounds, I learned that you really can never be totally sure that anyone won't hurt you in some way or won't act in your best interests. I'm not sure that's such a bad thing. However, I do know that wehn I AM very sure that someone would never INTENTIONALLY or maliciously harm me, I may well be more sure in that than others without my issues are, if that makes any sense.

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dargon2
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Posts: 17
From: Kelowna, BC, Canada
Registered: Nov 2000

posted 11-30-2000 04:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for dargon2     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Rape, Incest, every type of abuse.

I am so Sick of explaining my past to people because it never gets any better, it's never easier...In fact, I should never have talked in the first place, because now I can't make love with my husband without tensing up when he tries to touch me. Sex hurts in more ways than one. Lubrication is not a solution, it is not a cover-up...it is a waste of ten bucks.

Was I not better when I had carefully built defence systems, and I could (at times) forget the my brother forced sex on my for years. I could push to the back of my mind the fact that I was a victim of date rape. I could pretend that I wasn't sexuall assulted when I was 3 YEARS OLD. How could anyone do that to someone so little? I makes me cry to think about it. But it still doesn't make it any better. It still hurts immensely.

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My madness is accentuated by my obsession...so be it.

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Miz Scarlet
Sexpert

Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 11-30-2000 06:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi honey.

I was also sexually abused at a very early age, and gang-raped in early adolesence, amidst piles of psychological, verbal and physical abuse. For as much as any of us can understand the tragedies of someone else, I do, and I know it's not easy, especially when you block it all out for a long time. It does get easier with every passing year once you release it though. I have yet to meet a recovering victim who doesn't agree, in the long haul.

I will say that damming it all up is only a band-aid, much as it feels heinous to first start talking about it.

talking about it, counseling, or really pulling apart the different ways it effects you aren't a band-aid, though, those are processes that lead to permanent solutions. I promise.

I usually recommend that any sexual abuse victim read The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, which also has really good sections to sexual partners to read as well.

I think too that reading other posts, like all of the ones in here, can help a lot. So very men and women are recovering from forms of sexual abuse, that none of us are anything close to the minority. No one is alone, and very few of our issues are all that unique.

Big hugs and good luck.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein

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angelpookie2000
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Posts: 6
From: America
Registered: Mar 2001

posted 03-14-2001 07:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for angelpookie2000     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I was raped. I am away at school and I have three options: do nothing, report it to the dean, or have a hearing at school. My friend says I should do the hearing. I think I would like to just report it. The dean will talk to the guy and let him know that a complaint has been made. What do you guys think? He raped me and through out the rape, he kept calling me by another woman's name. I have been advised that just reporting it puts me at great risk because he will know that I told and he won't get any discipline. He knows where I live. I am so scared. i keep getting angrier and angrier. What if I see him on campus? What do I do then? He might start telling people that I accused him and didn't even have a hearing. I am so scared. If I have the hearing, I have to tell in graphic detail what happened to me. Can you imagine telling what you had done to you to a room of men after you have been raped? I am not trying to protect him. I am trying to help myself in this situation. Please- I need someone to talk to about this. Please- e-mail me, post a response or anything. I need help. I am really depressed and I am running out of strength to continue at school. I think I want to go home.
Angel Lightangelpookie2000@yahoo.com

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Angel Light

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angelpookie2000
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Posts: 6
From: America
Registered: Mar 2001

posted 03-14-2001 07:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for angelpookie2000     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I was raped. I am away at school and I have three options: do nothing, report it to the dean, or have a hearing at school. My friend says I should do the hearing. I think I would like to just report it. The dean will talk to the guy and let him know that a complaint has been made. What do you guys think? He raped me and through out the rape, he kept calling me by another woman's name. I have been advised that just reporting it puts me at great risk because he will know that I told and he won't get any discipline. He knows where I live. I am so scared. i keep getting angrier and angrier. What if I see him on campus? What do I do then? He might start telling people that I accused him and didn't even have a hearing. I am so scared. If I have the hearing, I have to tell in graphic detail what happened to me. Can you imagine telling what you had done to you to a room of men after you have been raped? I am not trying to protect him. I am trying to help myself in this situation. Please- I need someone to talk to about this. Please- e-mail me, post a response or anything. I need help. I am really depressed and I am running out of strength to continue at school. I think I want to go home.
Angel Light
angelpookie2000@yahoo.com

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Angel Light

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angelpookie2000
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Posts: 6
From: America
Registered: Mar 2001

posted 03-14-2001 07:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for angelpookie2000     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
sorry, my email is angelpookie2000@yahoo.com

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Angel Light

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Miz Scarlet
Sexpert

Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 03-14-2001 07:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
WAIT a second.

You have another -- and better option. Report it to the POLICE. Some colleges try and contain rape situations to keep from tarring their public image and that is NOT okay, and you do NOT have to abiide by it. In fact, them not getting you to a police station right away and for testing and counseling is completely unethical and disrespectful.

Have a look at this article outlining your *real* options: http://www.scarleteen.com/crisis/rape.html

After you look at that, if you need some help, you are wlecome to email me personally at: hcorinna@aol.com

Let's make sure you really know what you can do so that you can figure out what is best for you.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein

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KittenGoddess
Sexpert

Posts: 4399
From: USA
Registered: Oct 2000

posted 03-14-2001 07:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for KittenGoddess     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi there sweetie. I'm sorry all this has happened to you, but I am glad that you want to do something about it. That's incredibly brave of you! Check out that article that Miz Scarlet linked to, that should make your options alot clearer. Also, check out this page of links to resources: Crisis Hotline Resources. Most of the phone numbers are toll-free calls and they're completely confidential. So if you feel like you want to talk to somebody, just pick up the phone and dial.

I'm glad you found your way to the boards here, please feel free to send me an email if you want somebody to chat with. ( sweetie_555_99@hotmail.com ) And if there's anything anybody here can do to help out, just let us know.

~KittenGoddess

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"Reality is nothing but a collective hunch."
~Lily Tomlin

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angelpookie2000
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Posts: 6
From: America
Registered: Mar 2001

posted 03-19-2001 12:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for angelpookie2000     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I am having a hard time deciding what to do. I think I will report him to my school's administration but I do not want to have a hearing. I just went out this weekend and for the first time in a whole month I didn't think about the fact that I was raped. Do you know how good I felt? But then today, I heard a speaker about rape and other violence against women. It hurt alot to hear a "fictious" story about rape that was my own rape minus the alcohol. He wouldn't off of me. I am so unsure about what to do as far as reporting him. I just am nervous about giving intimate details of my sexual encounter turned rape. I was into being intimate with him - but without sex. I told him no to sex- before we started being intimate. I don't think he misunderstood me. He apologized multiple times. He still raped me.
Angel Light

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Angel Light

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KittenGoddess
Sexpert

Posts: 4399
From: USA
Registered: Oct 2000

posted 03-19-2001 01:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for KittenGoddess     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hun, you have done nothing wrong here! Never even doubt that fact for a second! You didn't deserve for this to happen, and you shouldn't have to go through it alone. I have so much respect for you because you're even willing to talk about this at all. I know that the idea of reporting him is scary, and that you're unsure what to do...and goodness knows that I wish I could go tell on him for you. But it's something that you're going to have to do. I'd encourage you to consider what Miz Scarlet said very carefully about going to the police instead of going to your college (or maybe do both...it's your right to do so). By going to the police, you can ensure that a record of the incident will at least be made, and that maybe he'll be too scared of prosecution to do this again. Because honey, please think about this realistically...if he did this to you, what's going to stop him from doing it to another girl? And maybe his next victim won't be as brave as you are and won't be willing to stand up to him.

I want you to know that you are being so brave about all this, and that I have an amazing amout of admiration for you for being such a brave girl. I'm a college student too, and I can only imagine how hard this is. I've spoken with other girls who have been through the same kinds of ordeals, many of whom haven't been nearly as brave as you! So really, if you want to talk, don't hesitate a bit to email me (or Miz Scarlet, or Hanne, or any of the other moderators).

~KittenGoddess

[This message has been edited by KittenGoddess (edited 03-19-2001).]

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antonio99
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Posts: 208
From: Tennessee
Registered: Jan 2001

posted 03-19-2001 05:29 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for antonio99     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
today I'm supposed to study for my psychology test until your posts really took off my time to read your experiences and see how you all felt.

I don't know what else to say except that I have never raped a girl and would never do that to any female friends of mine coz I have always felt rape was disgusting and unwanted.

I can understand the horrors and nightmares all of you went through.

and I really like to say something ( not to mention that this message board has over 100 replies ):

" It's really amazing to see most of you opening up and telling your stories. That shows how brave you are and how well you take the chances to let them go. Even though I have never been in your positions I wished I HAD THE POWER OF GOD... and by my almighty hand...
thrust the bad people away... so you will never feel worthless, used, or crippled. "

But I am just a simple living human being with no superhuman abilities to take all that away.

But you have my word, my heart and my soul.

May you "WOMEN of the WORLD" be happy and free ... For you live well tomorrow and forget what happened yesterday.

antonio99

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angelpookie2000
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Posts: 6
From: America
Registered: Mar 2001

posted 04-26-2001 08:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for angelpookie2000     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I did have a meeting with my dean and it was humilliating. Imagine sitting in an office and your feet don't even touch the ground. I told him without details about what my rapist did to me. I told the dean that I did say no to sex, but the guy would not stop. I feel like such a loser. My mom and one of my sisters knows. I feel ashamed because I have had intercourse. I wanted to wait until I was married to have intercourse. I was held down and robbed of my virginity. He didn't even know my name. He kept calling me by some other woman's name. I felt so used and soiled. I am scared of ever being intimate again. What if the guy doen't listen like last time? I feel so disgusting. Sometimes the dean I spoke with speaks to me when we are out and about on campus and it hurts so bad. They keep everything confidential, but I feel like he is holding this over my head in a sick way. Whenever he says hello to me I feel like crawling under a rock and hiding forever. I feel violated every time I go I see the dean. The dean spoke to him and said that my rapist was very upset by my allegations. That's right, I allege that he raped me. I am not strong enough to go through a hearing. I am too weak. Nothing has been proven. I feel so dirty. Will it ever stop? I cry myself to sleep often. I can't sleep through the night. I want it all to stop. I wish this had never happened. I accepted a date for an evening and ended up with a lifetime of anxiety. I was raped of my dignity and I can not seem to get it back. Every time I go out to an event where I think he might be I get nervious. I feel anxious knowing that he still has my cell phone number and my room number. He will be here all of my years in college. He will have another notch on his belt and I will have just another day to think about how he held me down and told me to relax. He told me to relax. He said that we were just fooling around "like adults do." I don't think adults who really want sex hold one another down and force eachother into sex. When a woman has completely disengaged herself from the sexual action because he won't let her up, I don't think that is fooling around. I had to have my body violated again after the rape. Do you think I wanted to have someone giving me an exam after he had forced me into sex? I get so angry. I don't know what to do with myself. I would like to face him now that I am so angry. What would happen if I faced him? I would tell him just how dehumanized I felt after he violated me and didn't even have the decency to call me by my name. I would tell him about how much pain I felt from my insides after the initial shock wore off. I would tell him how I couldn't even walk up stairs because he was so rough with prying my legs open. I would tell him how I cried for hours while I tried to call my family. I would tell him how I begged God to come and take me away. How I begged for him to rescue me. I am so scared all of the time. He must be too. He raped me. I know it. He knows it. God knows it. The dean knows it. I feel so humilated. I am so humiliated. Humiliated.
Help me please. I need help. I am in therapy and on antidepressants, but I still feel so upset. Humiliated.

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Angel Light

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LilBlueSmurf
Sexpert

Posts: 5209
From: Belleville, Ontario, Canada
Registered: Sep 2000

posted 04-26-2001 09:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for LilBlueSmurf     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Aww sweetie *hugs*

There are 100 posts on this thread for a reason. You're certainly not alone. I'm glad you're in therapy and getting help ... But you have to do that it really is a long road to recovery. Things get better little by little. Take baby steps. You have to walk before you run ... Things will get rough again, and you'll feel like crud all over again, but things do get better. You have to stay positive!

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Lee9876
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Posts: 3
From:
Registered: Apr 2001

posted 04-27-2001 12:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lee9876     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
UG, I can't believe I'm actually going to post here.

I had two "minor" incidents when I was growing up--I say minor because I really thought that that kind of stuff was normal for girls to go through after puberty.

After I turned 11 and started "developing", my grandfather, who visited us once a year, went from being my favorite person to being the guy who tried to grope me to "check how I was doing" every time he came to visit, under the guise of "hugs", "nuzzling", etc. He was a very large man and I still remember trying to pull away and his hard hands on my body. I thought this was normal: my best friend at the time had a grandfather who tried to stick his tongue in her mouth.

When I was 12, on a family trip to San Fransisco, I ended up in the back of a trolley car up against the rail, so I could see better. My family was much further back. While we were going through Chinatown, a man behind me started pinning me with his body from behind against the rail. It was really crowded, so I thought nothing of it first, then he started rubbing against me and I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't stop when I kept trying to move away. It wasn't until I saw and looked up the word "frottage" years later that I understood what had happened.

I can't write much about the last time, the really awful one, because it still embarasses me and I feel like it was my fault and it was stupid of me to feel so upset about it. Basically, I was with a guy I trusted, whom I had told THAT NIGHT I didn't want intercourse (I was a virgin), but I did agree to oral. It was dark and I couldn't really see him and I started to hurt and told him so, and told him to stop. In the morning I woke up to him kneeling by my legs where I couldn't see him (my eyesight is terrible without glasses), and I felt pain again and said, what are you doing? that really hurts, stop. and he said "I want to be inside you" and then I knew what he was trying to do and almost happened. I freaked because I was at the "fertile" part of my cycle, and then he admitted that he had been trying the same thing earlier. If he wasn't trying to be sneaky about it, why didn't he use a condom, which he had in his nightstand and which he swore he always used whenever he had sex (I found this out when I worried about STDs). He was 7 years older than me. I not only had to worry about pregnancy (I did get the morning after pill and thank god it worked), I had to worry about AIDS/STDs--I later found out he was a sexual compulsive who had prostitutes coming to his house and leaving messages on his answering machine! (No wonder he wanted to live off-campus!)

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PoetgirlNY
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Posts: 1101
From: San Francisco
Registered: Jun 2000

posted 04-28-2001 10:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PoetgirlNY     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Lee, it was brave of you to post your story. As you can see by the length of this thread you aren't alone. There is nothing "normal" or "minor" about any type of sexual assault. What your grandfather and the guy on the trolley did to you was completely inappropriate. Okay, and now I'm going to say it for the zillionth time, and it will probably need to be said a zillion more times unfortunately,
SEXUAL ASSAULT IS NEVER THE VICTIM'S FAULT, EVER!
Okay, now you still might not believe me. When I was sexually assaulted a year ago I had people telling me that at least once a day, and it took me up until a couple of months ago to believe it. You honestly have nothing to feel guilty about. It's also perfectly okay for you to feel as upset as you want to feel about it. Take as much time as you need to heal. You have every right to any emotion that may arise. Take your time and get whatever support you need from friends and family. You might also want to talk to a counselor if you haven't already.

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Limes Are Sublime

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Moth
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posted 05-11-2001 02:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Moth     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Has anyone here been physically abused?

I don't know if I was or not. What counts as physical abuse? What counts as abuse, period?

My father used to throw me against walls. Or to the floor, or across my bed, and hit me. One time he dragged me out of the house, hitting me against walls along the way, and threw me onto the sidewalk. Another time he shoved me into a cold shower with my clothes on and hit me with his belt. He threatened me many, many more times. The most recent was a few months ago. He's called me a slut. Etc.

Is this abuse? I read the definitions, and they say that it has to leave marks visible the next day. Well, I don't think he ever did, unless you count my scaped knees from contact with sidewalks (still have the scar from that one). He just hit me, and threw me. Once I told a teacher, because they told us to do that in school, and she called home, and my parents yelled at me so badly for telling, scared me so badly, and I haven't told anyone at all since then, except for my boyfriend, and, obviously, now. They told me it wasn't really abuse, he wasn't hurting me, and I don't know if it's true, if I am being melodramatic for wondering whether this was abuse or not.

Thanks for reading.

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Bobolink
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From: Stirling, Ontario, Canada
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posted 05-11-2001 04:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bobolink     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
That's not abuse, that's ASSAULT AND BATTERY! I strongly suggest you go back to your teacher or guidance counsellor and ask to be put in touch with the child protection agency in your area. They can advise you of the options available. You should not have to endure this.

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BruinDan
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posted 05-12-2001 12:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for BruinDan     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
x

[This message has been edited by BruinDan (edited 09-25-2002).]

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Moth
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From: NY, USA
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posted 05-13-2001 06:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Moth     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by BruinDan:

Being hit with belts, pushed into walls, and shoved to the ground does not make you "melodramatic." It makes you the victim of child abuse and battery. Nowhere in the penal code does it state that you need to have "marks the next day." Bruises or other types of physical evidence do help the investigation, but are not necessary to file charges or to conduct an investigation.

Mm, thank you. ::sighs and wrinkles nose:: I don't wish to file charges. My father went into therapy and is on several types of drugs. He had several psychological disorders (hence the violence), and hasn't been violent since going on the drugs (ecxept a couple of times when they tried to take him off!). Consistently, I have been the only one he acts violently against (our personalities clash), and I know that my entire family would be much MORE traumatized with a lawsuit than with maintaining the status quo. It's just me that is a bit messed up over this. ::wry grin:: It's nice to know that it really WAS abuse, in kinda a twisted way. I was always told it wasn't. Now I can begin to work through it . . . hopefully.

One last request: I've been looking all over for websites that offer support groups for abuse survivors, but all the ones I found have been sexual abuse survivors. Do any of you know sites for the rest of us? Thankee.

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Signed, Moth.

"Nothing in Life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." -Marie Curie

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Bobolink
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From: Stirling, Ontario, Canada
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posted 05-13-2001 06:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bobolink     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Moth, being the only person in your family being assaulted does not make it OK or any less of a crime.

If you are looking for support groups, You might try these:
http://www.yesican.org/chat.html
http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/overcomingabuse

However, no matter how your family may be psychologically traumatised by your reporting these assaults, that doesn't justufy in any way your suffering from physical trauma as the victim of these assaults.

[This message has been edited by Bobolink (edited 05-13-2001).]

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Moth
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From: NY, USA
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posted 05-15-2001 09:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Moth     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Bobolink:

If you are looking for support groups, You might try these:

. . .

no matter how your family may be psychologically traumatised by your reporting these assaults, that doesn't justufy in any way your suffering from physical trauma as the victim of these assaults.

[This message has been edited by Bobolink (edited 05-13-2001).]


Thank you very much. I'll be looking into all this more. It's such a relief to hear this from you . . .

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Signed, Moth.

"Nothing in Life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." -Marie Curie

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Miz Scarlet
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From: Minneapolis
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posted 05-15-2001 09:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Moth,
You're also welcome to write me in email about it if I can be of help. having been through physical, emotional and sexual abuse, I know how hard it is, and we can explore some possible solutions for you and support systems if you like.

So, if you need/want to, feel free: heather@scarleteen.com

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

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Cate
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posted 05-19-2001 02:02 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cate     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
ok,last week, my friend (who is 12) told me that her 17 year old brother friend, last summer came into her bedroom while she was sleeping (well half asleep) and put his hands in her underwear and touched her breasts. She hadn't told anyone and felt like it was her fault. I made her go to the school counselor since she was kinda afraid to tell her mom. Well the counselor told her mom and everything getting better with each day. She is feeling a lot better because she has her family, me and a couple other close friends, the counselor. I also told her about this GREAT site and she told me she feels good to have some place to post her feelings.
I made her tell some adult because my mother was raped by her stepfather when she was 11-12. She didn't tell anyone for about 20 years. It caused her a lot of pain.

SO 2 ANYONE WHO IS GETTING HURT, TELL A CLOSE FRIEND, ADULT, PARENT, COUNSELOR, TEACHER, SOMEONE!!!!!

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Cate!

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Anna
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Posts: 5
From: Dallas,TX, USA
Registered: May 2001

posted 05-19-2001 03:06 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Anna     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I really don't Know how to start these things(this is my first one), btu i thought I needed to get this out ofr two reasons
1.) Just in case it ever happens to anyone else
2.) To help me

Last summer My brother's friend came into my room and touch me all over thinking I was not awake, I wanted to get him out of my room a.s.a.p so i keep rolling over. It happen 2 times then one night my friend came over (she is tall and beautiful) and in the middle of the night he came up and grabed her leg. She did the same thing I did too.

I never told anyone until monday (expect my BFs). I went to the counselor she told my mom/family and now he is not aloud to come over at all my parents did not call the cops because he had droped out of school and has nobody that cares about him(I STILL HATE HIM).
PLEASE SPEAK OUT!

MY brothers was in the hospital wed night because he passed out in school and hit his head really had they had to take all kinds of test including a blood test. He is going to get a cat scan on saturday night (they still don't know what's wrong with him)

On wed day night I had a softball game and my two best friends play on the same team as I do and they had known My brother was in the hospital (i did not know this) and they did not even tell me .( some friends) Any way I keep trying to ask them why they did not tell me and they alway get all mad at me but I think I should be the one mad at them!!!!!

As you can tell my life suck so could some one please anwser back PLEASEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

One more thing at least 10 boys have ask me out this year and I have said no to all them because of what happened! When someone bumps in to me (BOYS) I freak out I don't know what to do!!

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Anna!

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Anna
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From: Dallas,TX, USA
Registered: May 2001

posted 05-19-2001 03:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Anna     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
TELL SOMEONE NOW WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG!!!!
TELL A COUNSELOR I DID!!!!!

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Anna!

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lostcat
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From: chicago, il, usa
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posted 05-27-2001 01:04 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for lostcat     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i can't believe i'm actually willing to talk about this, but here i go.

when i was a sophomore in high school, i was an outcast in every sense of the word. i was the only middle class girl in a town full of million dollar houses, where everyone's dad was a ceo and everyone's mom was a homemaker. i was at the top of my class, but no one ever acknowledged it. my talent lied in visual art, but my school had an incredibly weak program, leaving me to fend for myself, besides the every-other-day art classes we were forced to take. i was shy, quiet, and chubby.. the quintessential geek girl. anyhow, at this time of my life, being popular meant more to me than anything. i would have done anything to get into that group.. everything they did seemed so glorious, so perfect.

i was trying to be someone that i wasn't. i stopped "dressing weird", my own funky style that i'd invented in eighth grade, and i started following the popular girls around. i lost 20 pounds, and was beginning to be known as a "hot girl" around the school. still, i didn't fit into this popular group like i wanted.

one day, in the middle of winter, one of the juniors, a hot, rich, superultra popular guy asked me out. i'd heard cracks about how he was just joking around, or how he was just using me for sex, but since i was dying to be a part of this group, i eagerly accepted.

so we made plans to go to the movies one night. he picked me up at my house, but started driving the car toward his house. i asked him where we were going.. the theatre was in the other direction. he replied that we were going to his house to "have fun", but i didn't really know what that meant.

anyway. so, we went to his house instead. i was uncomfortable with that, i told him so, but he just said "it will be alright". we went into the house, and i sat down on the couch. he went and locked the front door to the house, and sat down next to me. before i knew it, he'd positioned himself on top of me, and was unzipping his pants.

i kept saying that i didn't want to have sex with him, but he told me to quiet down and said that it would be over soon, and pulled off my pants. at this point, i was crying hysterically and screaming and telling him to stop and get off of me, until he put his hand over my mouth. i tried to push him away, but this was impossible.. i'm a small girl, he was a huge 6'5 guy. he held me down, and he penetrated me. i had never done ANYTHING beyond kissing & hugging before, and it hurt a lot. the world just kind of stood still for that entire time. i don't remember how long it was, i don't remember if he said anything. everything was silent and time didn't seem to move at all.

after that, i remember that he got up and walked to his room. i was laying on his couch, partially naked and completely humilated. i put a great deal of value on virginity at the time, and i had just lost mine, and it wasn't my choice. (now, i see the time that i lost my virginity as the first time i had sex on my own will.)

that night, i called a friend to drive me home. i told her that my date had gotten too sick to drive me. she believed it. i never reported the rape. to this day, only a few people know it happened.

i became incredibly depressed for the following year or so. apparently, this guy came back to school, told everyone he had gotten another feather in his cap, and i was met with glares as i walked into the building everyday. i turned to self mutilation, i cut myself almost everyday. i think i would have eventually committed suicide, or at least attempted it, had a guidance counselor not noticed my art work taking a theme of sexual assault, and telling my parents, and getting me sent to a therapist.

for the longest time, i thought it was my fault. i thought that there was something i could have done to stop it. if i hadn't have worn that little skirt and tank top, it wouldn't have happened, i thought. (now i know that rape has absolutely nothing to do with that, but i didn't at the time.)

even now that i'm in college, i still face problems from the rape. i'm currently with an amazing man who understands, but still, it's hard. i choke up if i'm held down even a little tiny bit during sex, even if it has NOTHING to do with me being forced into it. i don't think that i have that normal of a sex drive- i still have a lot of emotional problems that surround sex, i've had flashbacks to the rape during sex, even if it's the most completely loving thing in the world. i've came a long, long way from where i was after it all happened. i've came a long, long way in a year- last year, i know i wouldn't have typed this all out.

wow. in the time it took me to compose all of that (about 30 minutes), there were about 15 women raped (according to statistics that say 1 woman is raped every 2 minutes), and those are only the reported ones, and so many rapes (including my own) are left unreported.

i think it's so important to remember that if you are a rape or abuse victim, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. rape is violence, rape is about using power.

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"i need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain, 'cos i'd be scared that there's nothing underneath"- radiohead

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Moth
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From: NY, USA
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 05-27-2001 06:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Moth     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Lostcat:

I kinda wanted to reply, but I don't know what to say. Only that you're horribly brave . . . and I'm sorry. ::wrinkles nose:: I've had a friend or two raped. You're amazing for coming through all that. I kinda like Hemingway here: "The world breaks us all, and after, some of us are strong at the broken places". I sound like a hallmark card. Thank you for sharing . . .

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Signed, Moth.

"Nothing in Life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." -Marie Curie

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Anna
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Posts: 5
From: Dallas,TX, USA
Registered: May 2001

posted 05-29-2001 10:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Anna     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Lostcat

The same thing happened to me last summer only he did not go that far ( he was to scared And I am glad he was to) But it still hurts inside to think about it.
I am going through the same thing you are the only difference is that I am going through it now, and I have know one there to guide me.
I want to cut myself but I am not good with pain (I am baby). All my friends are mean and have tons of money (I am middle class)
so they make a lot of cracks about how big my pool is and about my grades (there dropping and no body will help me) They also make fun of me because if a boy even pokes me I will freak out. Then they won't stop until i tell them why I don't like it.Have only told one boy).

And i don't know what to do? Can some one please help me.

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Anna!

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lostcat
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Posts: 73
From: chicago, il, usa
Registered: Apr 2001

posted 05-30-2001 07:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for lostcat     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
(((((anna)))))

sweetheart, i know what you're going through right now. (well, i know that's usually not a very helpful thing to say, because no two people ever feel the exact same way about something.. but anyway.) you need to tell someone whom you really really trust, and think will help. good places to start are close friends and family members. school counselors are usually a good option too. if you have absolutely no one like that that you can talk to, or even if you do, and just want a point of view from someone who has been trained in rape counseling, the RAINN foundation is a great great organization (I know this from experience), with counselors available all the time at: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). it's a free call. also, i've never tried it, but RAINN now has online counseling, available here.

i know it's so so hard. self mutilation is never the answer.. it's only going to make it worse. it's perfectly fine to cry. a good cry often helped me, i found. what you're going through is perfectly normal, and you will get better in time. and if you ever need to talk, i'm (as are a ton of great volunteers) right here.

((( sending lots of hugs & love your way )))

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"i need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain, 'cos i'd be scared that there's nothing underneath"- radiohead

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starrykiss
Neophyte

Posts: 14
From:
Registered: Jun 2001

posted 06-01-2001 06:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for starrykiss     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
*LAUREN
almost the same thing happened to me.

My brother's friend tryed to but he was too scared (I thank god for that). it was last summer and now if any boy/guy/men touch me I FREAK OUT I mean it's really bad so now I don't trust any guy. Out of all the boys this year that have asked me out I say No and when they ask me out I get flash backs and pain every where he touched.
I just wish I could forget but I just can't.
Your not alone.


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starrykiss
Neophyte

Posts: 14
From:
Registered: Jun 2001

posted 06-01-2001 06:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for starrykiss     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
*LAUREN
almost the same thing happened to me.

My brother's friend tryed to but he was too scared (I thank god for that). it was last summer and now if any boy/guy/men touch me I FREAK OUT I mean it's really bad so now I don't trust any guy. Out of all the boys this year that have asked me out I say No and when they ask me out I get flash backs and pain every where he touched.
I just wish I could forget but I just can't.
Your not alone.


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starrykiss*

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