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Author Topic:   Abuse and Rape Survivors
bettie
Sexpert

Posts: 1055
From: Canada
Registered: Jun 2000

posted 07-19-2000 09:49 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for bettie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Misty, you have been through some very serious traumatic situations. I don't think there is anything I can say to you that can make any of your pain or fears go away, but I think that for your own well being it would be a good idea to find someone to talk to at a rape crisis center. I believe Miz Scarlet can help direct you to one in your area and I am sure she will post something soon.

By the way, as someone who has been a self mutilator, I sympathize.

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Misty
Neophyte

Posts: 18
From: Michigan
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 07-19-2000 10:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Misty     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I tried talking about the whole thing once, to which I was informed that being raped was my own fault (?) for a long time I actually thought it was my fault (you know all the what-if's that can run through someones head) and even though I know its not my fault, somehow I just feel that it is, hard to explain I know.

I guess some of my biggest fears are that I wont let myself trust men, and by this I am deathly afraid that I will end up missing out on someone great.

another fear is having sex, if I do ever end up falling in love and getting married I want to be able to make my guy happy and satisfy his needs, and yet anytime I am around people ( that I know ) I just get this image in my mind (illusion) of them hurting me, and yet I know in my heart (but my mind isnt so sure) that they would never hurt me. I get the same thing with people I dont know, but it didnt really fit in with what I was trying to say.

Well I dont think that is really going anywhere or even if this makes any form of sense...ramble ramble ramble.

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Necka11
Activist

Posts: 47
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 07-19-2000 11:27 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Necka11     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
HI all,

I am not sure if people will take the time to go through these 3 pages to get to me bt i am really confused, yet still sympathetic. what i can't understand is how forinstance the girl who was abused by her teacher, let things go so far. I can understand maybe the touching and things by the teacher but for him to stick his fingers and things inside of you and for you to give him oral sex seems a little weird to me. I just find it hard to believe that it would ver go that far that you wouldn't think something is wrong here and get the hell outta there. I guess i a mtrying to picture myself in that situation and although i know u were young, i would never allow any of my teachers to do that to me. teachers don't have thta much power i don' think. Did you not wonder if it was normal to have your teacher to keep fingering yu and sticking a stpler up you? I don't , i am sorry if i sound like a bitch, but it seems way too hard to believe that a teacher would go to those extremes and that you would kinda go with it.

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RainbowChild
Neophyte

Posts: 2
From:
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 07-19-2000 03:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for RainbowChild     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
"Quiet confidence means...
I am willing to acknowledge the deep down pain and fear that keep me "stuck". It means that I am willing to take the humble "baby steps" it often takes to move myself forward." (~ Tammie Renea)

To all who have posted so far:

I've never written here before. I found this place a month ago, and then I found these posts. I would like to thank you all for sharing your stories, your pain, your triumph, and your inner souls. For showing everyone out there being hurt, that they are not, and will not be, alone. I would like to thank you, because you all helped me get the courage to take the first steps I needed to get out of my own 'secret.'

A week ago I learned to walk. I went into my friend's house and told her mom the secret that's been between my father and I for 10 years. I took my first step into her arms and let her promise to keep me safe. I took another towards the police man, who took me down to the station. I took a third one into the office of a very kind doctor. That was a week ago, and I'm still not good at taking steps.

It's taken me 10 years to begin walking. Thank you for helping me find the strength to get on my feet. Those first steps were the hardest of my whole life. I was shaking the entire time, but I didn't have to do it alone. I let people help me stand. I let them support me. If I hadn't, and if I don't now, I never would have, or still would be moving forward.

Now again, a week later, I am still taking those beginner steps as I start my journey onto this road many call the "healing" path. Yet I am not alone still. On one side of me is my friend's mother, who holds me when I'm scared; and on the other side is a handful of people. The police man, the doctor, and my new therapist. All will walk down on this path with me, and catch me if I fall. They have promised to be there to help me stand, when I find it the hardest.

I have learned to walk, after all these years of being told I would always crawl. I owe everyone who posted here, a great deal of thanks. So...
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
Thank you for giving me courage. Thank you for having strength. Thank you for helping me see, I'm not alone.

I may only be moving with baby steps. And yea, I might not get where I want to right away, but I am moving forward, and I won't give up!

Best wishes to everyone, may you all be safe. Thank you.

Love,
Rain

[This message has been edited by RainbowChild (edited July 19, 2000).]

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entropie
Activist

Posts: 1030
From: Aotearoa
Registered: Jun 2000

posted 07-19-2000 07:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for entropie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Rain,

That was an incredibly inspiring post you made I know what you mean about the baby steps, I did the same, but that was after a suicide attempt. i didn't have the knowledge after the abuse, now I wish I had.
I am so blown away by this, and I'm so glad that you had the courage to take those steps. Unfortunately for me, there was noone to walk to, so I never let myself get over what had happened, and even how it still pains me to think about the suffering, then and now, for what people did to me.

All the best, and much more,

entropie

[This message has been edited by entropie (edited July 19, 2000).]

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d1TzY8
Activist

Posts: 316
From:
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 07-20-2000 08:16 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for d1TzY8     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
This website is the best site I have ever visited, you guys are ALWAYS here when I need advice or just to lean on. I have fortunatley never been raped or abused. My older sister told me one time during college (she is married now) that she went to a party and got drunk and one of her 'friends' said he would take her home and he raped her. She only told me and I have NEVER told anyone. I felt so bad. She said it hurt so bad cause he was 'big' and she was a virgin. I feel so much better being able to tell you guys my problems and secrets!
I love you guys!
If you EVER need to talk about ANYTHING, i am here for you, and my ICQ # is 31479427
God Bless You All!

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The *SeXiEsT* guys wear NOTHING but a smile!

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Musickat01
Activist

Posts: 145
From: Dover, Delaware USA
Registered: Jun 2000

posted 07-20-2000 08:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Musickat01     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I ma truly amazed of how brave every sinle one of you are! To coem online and share stories of your own experiences with people you don't even know. But I think that is a good way to get rid of a lot of feelings. You should have no reason to feel embarrassed of any sort. Remember that you are a survivor and a winner!!!!

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Give it all you got.. and if that doesn't work, give it some more!!!

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Musickat01
Activist

Posts: 145
From: Dover, Delaware USA
Registered: Jun 2000

posted 07-20-2000 08:20 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Musickat01     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I ma truly amazed of how brave every sinle one of you are! To coem online and share stories of your own experiences with people you don't even know. But I think that is a good way to get rid of a lot of feelings. You should have no reason to feel embarrassed of any sort. Remember that you are a survivor and a winner!!!!

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Give it all you got.. and if that doesn't work, give it some more!!!

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GothicghOst
Activist

Posts: 34
From:
Registered: Aug 2000

posted 08-01-2000 03:21 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GothicghOst     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
All of you are wonderfull people...and very brave..

Hope you all have a wonderful future..try to remember the good things in the past... maybe your mom smiling when you two got along.. or the blue sky on that sunny day while playing in the park...

something like that..

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SweetyD
Neophyte

Posts: 11
From: Flint, Mi, USA
Registered: Aug 2000

posted 08-09-2000 07:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for SweetyD     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I was raped when I was 4 years old and now as I'm starting to date and get closer to guys around my age any time I really try to get romantic in anyway wiether it's just a kiss or making out or whatever i start having flashbacks and it's really starting to scare me and I know if it doesn't stop soon I'm going to have to tell my boyfriend what's going on. Is there any way to stop this so I can start getting closer to the guy in my life without being scared??

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Dani
~Some people don't tell the one they love how they feel for fear of their own broken heart, but in the process may break someone elses.

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Tears
Neophyte

Posts: 2
From: Bangkok, Thailand
Registered: Aug 2000

posted 08-09-2000 10:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Tears     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Dani,

I was abused by an uncle at eight years old and only realized it when I was in junior high. Then, I was almost raped by my boyfriend. Intimacy, for me, was, and still is, incredibly difficult. Touches launch flashbacks of my past and I cringe and shake and burst into tears. Even know, if someone touches me, I tend to move away. It's not something you can just get over, but the thing is, it usually gets easier. If you want to get intimate with your boyfriend, I think you should tell him about it so he knows not to push you, and you can discover your limits together, and if, like me, you end up weeping for three hours, he'll be there to wrap his arms around you and hold you until it passes. Some guys deal better than others. If your boyfriend loves you, you'll both find a way to be together--that works for you. Good luck.

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Sometimes the hardest part of moving forward is never looking back. I'm All Cried out.

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MysteryGirl
Activist

Posts: 91
From: Michigan, USA
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 08-10-2000 01:38 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for MysteryGirl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
After going through the four pages of post tears are rolling down my face. For many reasons this is occurring. Right now I'm thanking my lucky stars that I haven't been put in a horrid situation as some of you have. Every one of you that posted here has taken a step. None of you are wrong for what may have happened to you and I know that it's a hard thing to get through. Just do as Rainbow said and take small steps to healing the wounds brought on by these horrid occurrences. I know some aspects of life are hard, but vocalizing to other people and letting them help you is a great way to deal with life and what life may bring. I just had to say something after reading your posts. You are all brave and good people. And *hugs* go out to all of you. Good luck on your road to healing and coping with your past.

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"Growing older is MANDATORY, growing up is OPTIONAL."

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playingbyheart
Activist

Posts: 91
From: Chicago, Il
Registered: Jun 2000

posted 08-10-2000 10:35 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for playingbyheart     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm not a rape or abuse victim, so i'm not sure if i belong in this forum, but i just wanted to say that i read most of the posts in here and I wish you gals all the best. No one deserves to be raped or touched at all!

Also- I'm not sure what "abuse" covers... since I guess (depending on what the definition of it is) i could possibly fit into this catagory-- slightly-

It's definitly not a sexual thing- but when i was younger, and bad, my dad would hit me with his belt or hand really hard. Most of the time I deserved it because I didn't clean my room or I did something bad that needed disipline, and some parents find spankings and strappings the neccisary form of it to get their children to learn.

The one time I do remember being strapped to the point i couldn't feel much anymore was the one time i felt i didn't deserve it. It was really a stupid situation--- i had really bad unrinary tract infections (eventually i had to go get an operation for that)- and for a long time i had been taking medicine in either chewable or liquid form. (this was in 4th grade, btw.) Then the doctor gave me a pill that i had to take and I was so afraid of swallowing it (i had never done it before.) So it was taking me a really long time and my dad got so pissed at me and he would hit me and eventually started to strap me until i would take the pill. Now, i know it was all for a good cause because I probably would have never taken the pill, but i just don't understand why he had to make big purple welts across my back in the process...

And-- this hasn't happened recently- but sometimes he pushes my mom or holds her really tightly behind the neck-- occasionally he knocks her glasses off of her face for one reason or another.

Now, i'm a lot stronger than i was when i was in forth grade and when he starts hurting my mother I usually enter the room and start screaming at him and trying to push him away so he'll stop. I don't think he's touched her recently but there are usually long periods of peace and then he goes and hurts her again. --
and they wonder why I don't believe in good male/female relationships...

Ok-- I'm really sorry if this post didn't belong in here- It's not really abuse or anything (for me)-- just disipline.

[This message has been edited by playingbyheart (edited August 10, 2000).]

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Tears
Neophyte

Posts: 2
From: Bangkok, Thailand
Registered: Aug 2000

posted 08-11-2000 11:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Tears     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Discipline? Um, I think not. My father has hit me before, and more often than not, I've deserved it. But I'm 19 years old now and if he *ever* lays a hand on me, I will be out the door before he knows it. No one touches me like that--family or not. And it's still abuse, even if it's not sexual. Being beaten is still a form of physical abuse. Being yelled at is verbal abuse. They all hurt just as much and leave scars just as vivid. I know. I've been sexually abused, I've been beaten, and I've lived with my father's verbal abuse all my life. I've watched my parents marriage turn into a war, and I cringe every time a voice is raised. My faith in marriage is rather shattered.

Here's the one thing you need to be careful about. Do not *ever* allow yourself to believe that you actually *deserve* the abuse. You don't. No one has a right to physically hurt you or take away your dignity by molesting you or using cruel words with you. No one has the right to intentionally hurt you in any way and if, like me, you have no choice but to put up with it, make sure you *know* that you are a beautiful human being and with time, you will get out of an abusive situation.

Goddess, sometimes I get so *angry* at the people that have hurt me, but I've forgiven and though it may not seem like it through this post, I've moved on. I've lost a lot to my uncle, my ex-boyfriend, and my father, but for the cruel people that have come into my life, there have been some incredible saviours and I take comfort in their love and support.

It's a hard, hard thing dealing with abuse. But you heal and you move on. Maybe not today. Maybe not this month. But you will. Remember that.

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Sometimes the hardest part of moving forward is never looking back. I'm All Cried out.

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diane
Neophyte

Posts: 3
From: Nashville, TN,USA
Registered: Aug 2000

posted 08-13-2000 11:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for diane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I was sexually assulted. He fondled my butt and breasts and kissed me in my hotel room and in the maintance stairwell. IT WAS SO SCARY BECAUSE WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EMERGENCY TRAININg period so no one was around (it was a cruise). SO he called himself "helping me into my life jacket. The worst part of it was that he licked me. I was a piece of meat to him. I just remember being licked like I was an object not a person. ANd a member of the staff walked in on him touching me and he just laughed. I was so traumatized. It has been 2 and one half years but I still have nightmares. I went out and got so smashed the day afterward. I just wanted to get away from how I was feeling. In fact I still binge drink from time to time. I also suffer from bulimia and I had 2 suicide attempts from over two years ago. I did therapy with a weird therapist (have you noticed therapist spells THE RAPIST??) it scares me. My mom never brings up the assult. I get angry sometimes because I suffer sexually because I need to talk about what that did to me to have someone use my body sexually without myh concent and permission. I disassociate and numb myself when a man touches me. I perform sexual acts without thinking. I go on auto pilot. I am thinking of having intercourse ( usually just have oral sex and hand jobs. But I am getting hot and heavy with this guy. Should I tell him my story or continue doing stuff sexually?? I have an overly active sexual appetite for men and I don't even "feel" it. i just do it because it hurts too much to allow myself to want it too. When a man is licking and kissing my lips and other body parts I have to numb myself by daydreaming because it hurts. I want to offer my body first before he takes it byh force. Does that make sense??

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Lady Moonlight
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Posts: 943
From: Missouri, USA
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 08-14-2000 12:27 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lady Moonlight     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Diane, I have never been abused or raped but my best friend was, and like you she went numb in sexual situations, even good ones, and was unable to have an orgasm. I would urge you to definitely tell your current partner. If he loves you and cares for you he will be supportive. (And if he's not supportive, do you really want him as a partner?)

What finally worked for my friend was having her boyfriend (now husband) talk to her as they made love. It kept her "connected" to the present with the man who made her feel loved and secure instead of flashing to bad memories and going numb. They have a wonderful sex life now, although there are still things they have to deal with. For example, some positions make her feel "pinned" and trapped, so they don't use those. Also, what might be okay one time isn't okay the next, and he knows this and is very understanding and patient.

She also found a great deal of healing working with the women's center at the university she attended, and eventually worked as a volunteer rape/abuse counselor there for a while.

You might consider group counseling, or a female therapist. And hopefully someday you will find a partner like my friend did, who will be patient and understanding and part of your healing. Good luck.

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diane
Neophyte

Posts: 3
From: Nashville, TN,USA
Registered: Aug 2000

posted 08-14-2000 10:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for diane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks for your support. I am hurt alot because I see lots of awful things that happen to women everywhere. Maybe I should have reported him. They say that women are assulted all the time on cruise ships. I sometimes feel guilty because I could have stopped him dead in his tracks by coming forward. At the same time, I did have a pretty severe problem when drinking. I was very open about my alcohol abuse. Maybe they wouldn't have believed me. I watched a movie about rape with my future brother in law and it was so difficult. Why?? He was so insensative. The woman lied about the last sex she had so she wouldn't seem like a slut. Men don't realize that when you come forward, your character and everything you have done, your reputation, your clothing your company that you keep is under a watchful eye. My parents and everyone would ask me why I was alone, why did I ask for help, and a bunch of hurtful illogical questions. Why did he abuse my need for assistance?? and why at the age of 15 did I already know that I would be negated and undermined by the very people that were supposed to protect me? I am so scared. I head off to college where it is easy to naive and drink and get into sexual relationships without htinking very much. I want to have more counseling, we never discussed my sexual abuse in therapy because I needed to get over my anger towards my mom. I am feeling depressed again and I really have no one to talk to.

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Lady Moonlight
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Posts: 943
From: Missouri, USA
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 08-15-2000 12:44 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lady Moonlight     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Oh Diane, honey, I just want to reach out and hug you like I wanted to hug my friend when she told me her abuse story. You know what's ironic, though? I couldn't, because sometimes she just can't stand to be touched, even by me, and that was one of those times. It still makes me cry inside to think about it, even though she's become a vibrant healthy woman. Still, she has emotional scars. But scars are not bleeding wounds, and she's one of the strongest, most beautiful (in all senses of the word) women I know.

You say you're going off to college? I would urge you, first thing, to see if there is a women's center or something similar on campus. If so, this will put you in touch immediately with a potential support group, including women who have been through similar experiences. It will also give you a social group interested in something besides drinking and sex. I can't speak for any experiences other than my friend's, but I know she made some great friends at our center and it helped her a lot in her healing.

And in the meantime, come here when you need support. We'll be here.

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Ellie
Neophyte

Posts: 8
From: Ireland
Registered: Aug 2000

posted 08-16-2000 07:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Ellie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I suppose I must have been abbused in every possible way. My mom, an acloholic drug addict , well the easiest way to say it is went insane when i was about 12, My dad always worked such long hours I hardly saw him. All the affection i can remeber being shown is being swung allong the road between them when i was about 6. After that all that happened was i was hit

Every summer i would get sent to saty with my grandparents and aunt. My two cousins were always there- they were like my big brother, there mom like a real mom to me. One of them A. was always really nice to me, help me with stuff, take me swimming. In almost every photograph hes smiling at me, or messing with my hair, something like that.

When he was 16, (i was 10) he came to stay with my family to go to school near us. I was well developed at this time.. I'd had my periods for a year. He was fasinated by this 10 yr oldwith breasts and pubic hair and would invite me into his room on saturday mornings as i went past early on my way to watch tv, so he could look at me. One time he broke the lock on the bathroom door as he tryed to open it when i was in there. He claimed he broke the door by accident when my parents got home. One time however he woke up to go to college and realised i was off sick, im the house alone. I dont know if he was actually going to go at all but he didnt. He stayed home and kept me 'company'. He molested me and told me it would cure my shyness. i hurt for weeks afterwards, and i didnt let him near me again.

My mother was almost gone by this time, my dad constantly working- neither noticed. I didnt tell anyone till i was 15... and only then because i was scared for his little sister. I was told not to tell anyone else in the family- so as not to upset them. My aunt couldnt believe her son would do that- i found out only 5 months before he had tryed to convince annother cousin to sleep with him. No one did anything to help me- all they said was we must get A some help for his problem.. which they never did. My mom took me to a councillor... talked more about her problems with my father than my abuse.

well i think I've made this long enough. But i have been though it all, do if anyone needs help my yahoo id is maid_eala. Love to all of you

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Love is the best medicine

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Sidian
Neophyte

Posts: 3
From: Dallas, Texas
Registered: Aug 2000

posted 08-27-2000 11:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Sidian     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I myself am an abuse survivor. It's taken a lot of time and effort to get to the point I'm at, and I often wish there were something I could do to help others.

When I was young, my mother divorced my stepfather (the father of my younger brother). They were still on good terms and my brother and I often went to visit him. I was only about 6 years old and had no idea what sex was. When he started touching me, I just knew that it didn't feel horribly unpleasant physically, but I knew that he didn't have a right to be putting his hands there. It started out only happening every once in a while, but it got to the point where I hated going to visit him because I never knew when I'd be subjected to that. Plus, he was in the habit of buying me expensive gifts (a big sewing kit, a computer, a go-cart) and as most children are apt to do, I kept myself in a situation where I'd get the things my mother and new stepfather would never have the money to buy. But it escalated to the point where it was happening all the time, even when my friends were around, and he started telling me things like, "The things we've been doing are really starting to do some good. Your breasts are growing really well."

One day when he was coming to pick my brother and I up so my mother and stepdad could go to a concert, I nervously told my mom I had to tell her something... I couldn't bring up the nerve to say it, so I wrote it down on a piece of paper. She read it and just hugged me and cried with me. After confronting him when he showed up, she took me sometime that week to the police station. We ended up going once a week for a few months to a child advocacy center and eventually I was able to tell the counselors there most of what happened. It was hard for me because I had thought I'd encouraged it by staying around or not being completely covered up all the time.

I was about 10 years old when I was shown the courtroom I would have to testify in against him. Just the thought of having to sit on that witness stand and see him there terrified me. Luckily, though, he confessed and was sent to prison for quite a while. I've been in counseling on and off since (I'm 16 now) and for the most part, I'm able to deal with it. I'm not over it, though... I don't think I'll ever be able to say, "I'm completely okay with what happened." I still don't know what I'd do if I saw him somewhere. There've been times when I've seen someone who looks like him a little and I get a sudden swelling of fear. I've ripped up every picture of him that I could find in all the albums at my grandmother's house. I can't stand facial hair on men (he had a beard and moustache) and asked my boyfriend to shave his scruffy little beard (although I didn't explain why).

I think I'm doing pretty well, though. I know it has affected me in many ways, some of which I'm still discovering. I was lucky, though, that I had the courage to tell my mother (who is an incest survivor herself) and that I had so many strong people in my family willing to support me. Still, though, being in a sexual situation can often fill me with fear. But, luckily, I've found someone who loves me and cares about me and is willing to hold me close and not pressure me to do anything I don't absolutely feel comfortable doing.

Sometimes people have asked me if I could go back and tell that younger me to get out of there (or change it so it would never happen at all), would I. The thought of that little 6-year-old that I was sitting in a room with a big man she was supposed to be able to trust, confused and scared and oh-so-alone is heart wrenching... But I don't think I would be as strong today if I hadn't endured it.

Someone previously asked why someone would stay in a situation where an adult was doing things to them that they knew were wrong. I think if you've got the strength to speak up or get out and you've got the support behind you, then it's not as hard a thing as if you're very young, afraid, and don't know how people are going to react. When my mother told my grandmother about her abuse, my grandmother didn't believe her at first. You're taught since you're young to trust teachers, family members, parents, and other adults. If one of them betrays that trust, it can be very hard for a child (especially a young one) to step forward and say something or get out of the situation. You may not want to make trouble or be afraid you won't be believed or even want to protect your abuser. These are concerns for older victims as well, but are magnified many times over for a child as they are, by nature, incapable of making their own big decisions.

My heart goes out to all of you who have endured the experience of your body being violated by others, trusted or not. In a perfect world, nobody would ever have to go through such experiences. All we can do in this imperfect world of ours, though, is try to help those that have and grow stronger if we're the victim.

If anyone needs or wants to talk, feel free to email me. I may not be a counselor, but if you need someone just to talk to, I'm always willing to be an ear.

With love and support,
Sidian

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JagTheTeen
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Posts: 30
From:
Registered: Aug 2000

posted 08-28-2000 09:40 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for JagTheTeen     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm a boy, and have never been raped but I feel really bad for all of you that have been assaulted in any way. Rape is probably the thing I hate most in this world and whenever I hear about it on the news or radio it tears me up inside. Even in movies... Sometimes even how the news reporters seem emotionless and even joke around while they just said someone had been raped. All of you that have been sexually assaulted need to tell someone, if your family doesnt care (I dont know how someone couldnt care) talk to someone at school, or a police officer, or call one of those helpline numbers or go to a psychiatrist office. Just get help, the people that did this to you need to be punished. My heart goes out to all of you, good luck..

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Cats_eyes
Neophyte

Posts: 1
From: Thorold,Ontario,Canada
Registered: Aug 2000

posted 08-29-2000 09:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cats_eyes     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm 30 years old now. When I was 11 years old and living with my father. I was molested by my father for several years before I got the courage to stop it. I felt scared and alone. I finally told my mother when I moved in with her when I was 16 years old.
I guess what you can say is that I took a different approach then most people would. Talking to my mother was the greatest thing I have ever done (even though I wasn't very close to her at that time)I guess from getting it off my chest has really helped me She really listened to me. I did file charges but I wanted my dad to get some kind of counselling.(but never happened) To this day I still love him even though he abuse me physically and emotionally as well.
But I still had a father-daughter relationship(until just a couple years ago).
I had to forgive and forget for what he put me though my whole childhood. I had to grow up pretty fast. I on my own dealt with everything in my past so I could have a better future for my children.
I have three girls and one boy and a happy marriage. We've been together for over 11 years.
I have one question how do explain to my children what their grandfather did to me?
(My kids are not allowed to see their grandfather)
But in the future they have to make their own decision about him.
On a GOOD note I'm REALLY happy with the way my life is going now. I hope others will read this with the hope that in the future and one day at a time things will be better.
I'M A SURVIVOR!!!!!!

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Sidian
Neophyte

Posts: 3
From: Dallas, Texas
Registered: Aug 2000

posted 08-30-2000 01:47 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Sidian     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Cat's Eyes, just be honest with your kids. Really, depending on their ages, they might not need to know anything at all. Younger children wouldn't understand, or would just be confused by it. I'm assuming they're not very old as you said you've been with your partner for 11 years... If I'm mistaken I apologize... But really, until they get to be about mid-teens, they probably won't be mature enough to understand, nor would they probably even want to know. If, at this point, they're asking why they can't see their grandfather, you may just want to say the bare minimum. Once they're older, if you feel it's appropriate, then sit them down and explain, especially if they're wanting to see him. They'll appreciate that honesty. I know I did, when my mother finally explained everything that happened to her. It was painful to hear about, but it gave me an insight into her I never thought I'd have. Though it may not be the most lovely bonding experience, maybe your telling your children will help them gain another bit of closeness to the person who brought them into the world.

With love and support,
Sidian

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ShellyGirl
Neophyte

Posts: 1
From: Kansas, USA
Registered: Sep 2000

posted 09-09-2000 06:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ShellyGirl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I am a rape survivor.
Ladies, I just wanted to ask you to not give up on yourselves or pre-judge men. Not all guys hit, force, and abuse. Quite a few of them are wonderful people.
Many cities have free clinics that offer testing, therapy, support, etc. Please use these resources. If I hadn't, I would have probably committed suicide within monthes of the actual rape. I know I will never be the girl I was, but with the help of people who care I can control my fears and live my life.
The last thing I wanted to say is to all you women who have never been assaulted - please, please, stay away from high risk situations! Use the buddy system at bars, clubs, raves, and parties. Take a girlfriend with you and keep and eye on each other. Take a self denfense course and carry a (small) bottle of mace.
I love you all. Take care of yourselves and each other. We are all priceless.
Shel

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SilverD.A.9
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Posts: 9
From: Hawthorne, Fl, USA
Registered: Sep 2000

posted 09-09-2000 11:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for SilverD.A.9     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I agree ShellyGirl. Not all guys are forceful. It took me a while to learn this. Here's my story: After meeting this guy, we started talking (for about 1 yr)and he became my boyfriend, well about a month and a half into our relationship he went to visit his mother. I felt so alone because he had always been there for me to talk to. Well I decided that I would work for my mother and that it might keep my mind off of things. When I went to work for my mother everything seem to lighten up it kept my mind of my boyfriend and off of other things. Well, my mother asked me to take the trash out which I didnt' like to do because it was just creepy behind the building where she worked but I did it anyway. As I closed the lid to the garbage can and started to turn around I heard some one cat call me (Which I hate!) anyway, I turned around to see if I would recongnize the person.Stupid me. This guy got of his car imeditatly I knew to run..but my legs couldn't move so I just stood there like an idiot well the second he laid his hands on me I started to scream but I guess it wasn't as loud as I thought it was. Well he ended up raping me and leaving me. When I came back in my mother didnt' even ask what happend. I got home and imidately called my b/f...he wanted to leave his moms and come see me to comfort me but he couldn't so he kept in touch for the remainder of time he was gone...he's the only one that knows and the only one who ever helped...I'm not over it ...and never will be over it...but now I feel more alone then ever because my parents are making us break up. Should I tell anyone else?

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Lady Moonlight
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Posts: 943
From: Missouri, USA
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 09-10-2000 01:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lady Moonlight     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Silver, I'm not sure how your mom can make you break up with your boyfriend. She can control how often you see him, maybe, but actually break up? Also, you don't say why she wants you to break up. What reasons has she given?

It sounds like you and she need to have a long talk. In your place, I would definitely tell her what happened. It's not too late to file a police report, although I don't know how far it will get since the evidence of your rape is long gone. If your mom isn't supportive, try a female friend or a rape crisis center or hotline (you can probably find one in your local phone book or there are national hotlines elsewhere on this site). You deserve support and help.

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SilverD.A.9
Neophyte

Posts: 9
From: Hawthorne, Fl, USA
Registered: Sep 2000

posted 09-10-2000 09:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for SilverD.A.9     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks Lady Moonlight. My boyfriend and I talked about it and in a way it helped. I can't say I'm over it completly but I'm better. My mother is making me break up with him because 4 months into our relationship I willing *wishes she could underline that word 1,000 times* had sex with him. It was so special to me and the weird thing is I wasnt scared...maybe because I trusted him so much...Well my mom found out and freaked out...I explained it all to her about how we used protection...and that we really care for each other...but she wont listen so she made me break up with him which was the hardest thing in my life..... I dont like talking to people who I dont know..specially councilers makes me feel like I'm crazy or something......but thanks anyway.

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Lorelei
Neophyte

Posts: 3
From: UK
Registered: Sep 2000

posted 09-11-2000 05:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lorelei     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
My story is a little bit different, and very hard to tell. When I was about 8, a GIRL of the SAME AGE started to abuse me. I had no idea what she was doing to me, and I thought it was normal. I used to have to kiss her and everything, eugh, I'm not going into detail. It stopped when I was 12, I remember when she asked me if I knew what a lesbian was, and if I wanted to be one. I hate myself so much for being naive and saying yes

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Lady Moonlight
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Posts: 943
From: Missouri, USA
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 09-11-2000 11:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lady Moonlight     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Lorelei, please believe that I am not belittling your experience in the slightest; you were abused and it makes sense that you still have some emotional scarring. Still I find myself wondering what was happening to that other little girl. That is NOT normal behavior for an 8-year-old! Was she abused and then turning around and practicing behaviors she had "learned?" How very sad for both of you...

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Lorelei
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Posts: 3
From: UK
Registered: Sep 2000

posted 09-12-2000 10:12 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lorelei     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
That is what I would love to know. She lives with her grand parents, NOT her mother and father who only live about 2 minutes away from her. Her parents still have the rest of this girls brothers and sisters, so I can only assume something had happened to her. She looks very butch these days, and I'm not sure if I was the only person she did it to. I know this sounds mean but I would be kind of relieved if I wasn't the only one she did it to, because I've spent about 4 years tormenting myself over being abnormal, and that it was all my fault. I wish there were some other people out there who'd had the same thing happen to me, but I've searched extremley hard and drawn a blank every time, and it's not the sort of thing you like to ask people either.

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Miz Scarlet
Sexpert

Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 09-12-2000 10:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Lorelei,
As a former educator, I can tell you that what happened to you isn't very unusual on one level.

Many children are sexually curious. dfepending on a lot of factors, they all express it in different ways. However, when very young children are sexually agressive in that way, there is usually something going on with them in terms of abuse in the home, or previous molestation.

What someone does to you without your consent is no reflection of who YOU are, or what YOU want to be doing, sweetie.

Orientation does show clues at a very young age, so it certainly is possible that even at 8, that little girl was acting out sexual behaviors that may be part of who she is as an adult. However, it is also very common for female sexual abuse victims to not only be sexually agressive, but if abused by men, to do so to women instead, if that makes sense.

The be-all end-all is that the issue that is yours to deal with isn't about being a lesbian, but about being a victim of something you need to work through so you can let the shame go and heal.

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Lady Moonlight
Activist

Posts: 943
From: Missouri, USA
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 09-12-2000 09:29 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lady Moonlight     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Miz Scarlet, you said it better than I did. Thanks.

Sexual curiousity and sexual behavior among children is normal. Sexual agression and abuse of their peers is not.

(And I find myself wondering how many of the 3rd graders I see every day in my library have the faintest idea of what a "lesbian" is!? I sure didn't at age 8!)

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StrayDog
Neophyte

Posts: 1
From: Toronto, ON, Canada
Registered: Sep 2000

posted 09-20-2000 11:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for StrayDog     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I don't know how i found my way here tonight...it seems like an unbelievable coincidence that a series of random links would bring me to this forum. But i joined just to get my thought off my chest, otherwise i wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. I'm really unhappy, but grateful, to be here...

For starters, i'm a guy, who's never been sexually assaulted, abused or otherwise. I can't sympathize with any of you (brave, brave) survivors, but i do feel terrible about what's happened to all of you; reading through each and every post here has only made me feel worse and worse. All i can say about your words is that courage comes in many shapes and forms, and tonight i've found another one.

Right now, i feel really ashamed to be a guy...i know it's not rational, because not all guys are bad (as thankfully, some of you have discovered), but i still feel that way. Guilty, too. I'll tell you something: the nicest, most upstanding, decent, honest guys i know still fight their hormones constantly. If sweet guys have trouble keeping themselves that way, then not-so-nice guys are just plain dangerous, and MEAN guys are something else again...

I don't know what i'm trying to say, or how i'm feeling, but i guess i just want everyone to be really careful about who they trust, especially after you've been abused. If you've been hurt by a relative, a close friend, or anyone else you trust (and from what i understand, many if not most sexual assaults are committed by a trusted person, not a stranger), then there was probably very little to be done...that kind of emotional power or authority is horrible when misused.

Obviously i don't want to say something like 'don't trust ANY men', because that will ruin your life, and then you're not a survivor because you're still being victimized... but please, please be careful. I'm so very sorry about what's happened to all of you, i just want to kill all the people who took advantage of you.

p.s. For my sake, please:
Don't go outside late by yourself.
Don't get drunk with a lot of guys, whether or not you know them.
Don't get into a stranger's car.
You can say it's a matter of freedom, but i'm free to walk into a minefield if i want. Take self-defense...it doesn't make you violent (that's up to you). The worst thing that learning to hurt people has done to me is make me feel powerless when thinking about how to track down the abusers of several women strong enough to share their experiences.

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Poison Boots
Neophyte

Posts: 7
From: NC
Registered: Aug 2000

posted 09-24-2000 08:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Poison Boots     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
this is a repost from a diferent forum, I hope you can help me.

Where to begin? First, this could get lengthy. For this I apologize. I just started dating a girl whom I have known for 2 or 3 weeks. It has been intense to say the least. Yesterday I went to see her at work and she was crying. I asked her why and she said "I can't tell you." I tried to get her to open up but I had no luck. In talkin to her best friend later, I discovered that she had been raped over the summer and the guy that raped her came in and started giving her crap about being a slut. he did things so terrible to her that some people cry thinking about it and no one can bring themselves to tell me about it.
Point being, I have never been involved in anything like this in my entire life. I don't think I can handle it and wondered if anybody could give me any comments upon the situation or any insight into the emotions of rape victims or the entire situation.
thanks
(BTW, this is not to suggest that rejecting this girl is even an option for me as one person thought I was saying)

------------------
"One by one, the sweetest days of life go by"

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Misty
Neophyte

Posts: 18
From: Michigan
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 09-24-2000 09:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Misty     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Poison Boots:
I don't think I can handle it and wondered if anybody could give me any comments upon the situation or any insight into the emotions of rape victims or the entire situation.
thanks

okay first off a little tip for you, it sounds that your girlfriend really needs you to be the strong one, in a sense I would say dont let her feel your fear, but in the other I think you both need to have a long talk.

However I think its great that she atleast has enough trust in you to date you, what I mean by this is that when a person is raped the begin to not trust anyone, but through time or the right person you never really know what will happen :-)

I think the best advice a can offer is make her feel loved ( however she may not believe that you, or anyone else for that matter will actually love her) and make her feel safe.

as for the situation in general I know what she is going through, and it definitly isnt easy.

since she knew who the person was did she report the rape?

Misty


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Miz Scarlet
Sexpert

Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 09-25-2000 07:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Heck, you can also suggest she come here.

This is (sadly) one of the largest threads we have here, as rape is a very common experience, as unfortunate as that is.

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smiley_chick
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Posts: 26
From: uk
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 09-25-2000 04:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for smiley_chick     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i just want to say you guys are amazing i ahve suffered physical and menatl abuse in its weakest form and that hurt a lot. recently i had to produce a piece of work for and english class based on a picture of a girls room that had been trashed. the girl was supposed to be 8 years old and the reason that poped into my head was abuse. Reading some of what you guys have been through has made me realise how close to home this subject is. no matter how much people try and avoid it it will always be there. I can't ever try to imagine how you guys feelbut i want to reach otu and hug every single one of you and tell you it will be ok. I don't know what system you guys have i live in england and we have a 24hr confidential free telephone helpline the only problem with that is that of the 10,000 kids that call every day only 3,700 get through. i will stop blabering now but my heart goes out to you all and i can't say how much this article hit home
love you all loads
**em**
"theres a hero if you look inside your heart-you don't have to be afriad of what you are-theres a hero if reach into your soul-and the sorro that you felt will melt away" hero mariah carey

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Poison Boots
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Posts: 7
From: NC
Registered: Aug 2000

posted 09-26-2000 10:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Poison Boots     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
since she knew who the person was did she report the rape?

Unfortunately no, I can kinda see why though. It may not be the best decision she ever made but at the time I'm sure it was the most logical course of events. I live in a very small town. The guy that raped her was on my baseball team a few years ago. His best friend whom I am told has instigated some of the harrassment was, at one time, considered a brother to me. That is partially what makes it all so hard for me to understand.

PS I would like to thatnk you all for the advice. It may seem a statement of the obvious but it is good to hear some confirmation as such.

------------------
"One by one, the sweetest days of life go by"

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DarklingCrow
Neophyte

Posts: 1
From: OR, USA
Registered: Sep 2000

posted 09-27-2000 06:11 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for DarklingCrow     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Wow, you people are so strong to be able to talk about these things. I suppose I should come forward as well. I'm 18 years old. I was abused when I was about 9 years old. I never really saw it coming. And what hurt the most was it was a family member, my Grandpa. I loved him too...very much. But one night when I was over he came into my room and well...started touching me. It never went beyond that, but it frightened and hurt me so much. I hated it when my mother sent me out there to visit. My grandpa was also drinking at the time. I finally told my mother and she was devastated...she did nothing, I think she was in shock because the man is, after all, her father. She never made me stay out there anymore. I have no idea if she confronted him...
Even though it is nothing compared to other people's stories, it was still very traumatizing to me. For someone that you've known and trusted your whole life to turn against you like that...someone you'd never suspect...
I was also almost raped by a boyfriend of mine (the biggest mistake of my life), but I managed to escape that situation...I was very lucky.
From that time on I was afraid to have relationships...I always shyed away from anyone until I met the love of my life...he's been my best friend and I've been able to tell him anything and everything. We have the most wonderful relationship. Because of him I have been able to heal and trust again...being able to tell someone does help.

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Miz Scarlet
Sexpert

Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 09-27-2000 08:05 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Poison, I want to just add that the atatute of limitations on reporting rape usually leaves a decent amount of time open to do it in. Obviously, because she didn't go to the police afterwards and have cultures done for semen, that evidence is missing. However, were she to change her mind later and report it (and it's something she should really give some thought to, as it not only helps to heal, it prevents this from hapenning to someone else), she would still be able to.

And darkling, I'm sorry for your story. None of us can wiegh our tragedies against that of others, because it isn't an act that determines the wight of something, but how that thing affects each of us. No one's story is any less important than anyone else's.

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