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Author Topic:   It Is Time
Lin
Activist

Posts: 2294
From: Singapore
Registered: Dec 2000

posted 03-02-2001 06:24 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lin     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It is time. I would like to share a little something about myself that very few people know to you guys.

I was in an abusive relationship.

What's unique is that me and my bf were both the abusers and the victims.

The first time it happened, we were in a shopping centre. We had quarrelled over something stupid and petty and he was saying some pretty ugly tihngs to me and I got very angry. In my mind, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to slap him. I went to the ladies and he went with me. Standing in the ladies, I slapped him so hard my palm hurt. Then, I felt a sharp pain on my back. He had hit me instinctively.

I was in shock. In pain. I went to a stall and hid there in tears. He messaged me. Many times. Apologising time after time. I couldn't believe he hit me. But he did. It didn't occur to me that I had hit him as well. In my eyes, he deserved it. But I didn't.

I finally got out and everything was okay.

The next time it happened, we were downstairs at the bus stop near his house. I was angry and I was saying some pretty horrible things to him. Being sarcastic. Acting like a smart aleck.

Suddenly, he banged my head against his and shouted at me. Again, the tears flowed and I got angry. Very angry. We walked to the nearest Police post and stood outside. Me wondering if I should go in and report him or if I should just leave it.

The policemen saw us and came out and ordered us to get in. I filed a report but I never followed up on it. The next day everything was okay again.

This hitting and apologising lasted 6 mths for me. For him, it lasted 2 years.

In case no one realised, I am still with him.

Why? you might ask. Am I stupid? Must I wait for it to happen before I leave? Must I wait till I die before I pull myself away from him?

My only answer to you is faith.

I had faith in him. And I still do.

We took a break from each other.

And only then did I realise that I was not the only victim. He was too. I am not trying to justify his actions. They were wrong and it is as simple as that.

But while I have nothing to show for the abuse, no scars (emotional or physical)nothing. He is still battling many demons everyday.

Imagine living a life when your gf tells you you are not good enough, not smart enough, not good looking enough, not man enough. You are a wimp, useless, poor, pathetic and even my dog is better than you.

Those words are still haunting him. He bears the scars. And alot of pain. And alot of guilt.

We are taking baby steps. We are trying to heal the pain we caused each other. And it is working.

I know by admitting this, alot of people will think I'm stupid to still stay with him. And that's okay. I understand how you feel. I used to feel stupid too.

But now I look at him and I realise how much we have been through and how much stronger we have made each other and the relationship and I realise everything happened for a reason.

I am apprehensive about this post. I am not worried about saying that "Hey, I was abused". I fear that people will say I am dumb. I should leave. That people will look at everything I have said and take it as my excuse for him.

But my instincts have never been wrong and if I cannot trust myself, who can I trust?

It has been an abuse free relationship for almost 2 years. And I honestly believe it will stay like that forever.

I don't know how many of you have been in such relationships. How many of you are in such relationships but if ever any of you need me, I'm here.

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LilBlueSmurf
Sexpert

Posts: 5209
From: Belleville, Ontario, Canada
Registered: Sep 2000

posted 03-02-2001 06:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for LilBlueSmurf     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Lin ... I honestly had no idea

Your post brought me to tears ... I don't know what to say. Other than ... You know where i am if you ever need to talk okie?

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Lin
Activist

Posts: 2294
From: Singapore
Registered: Dec 2000

posted 03-02-2001 06:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lin     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It's okay hon. No one has any idea that I was in such a situation.

And I just realised what a long post that was. You're good smurfie.

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glitter695
Activist

Posts: 1976
From: NY:)
Registered: Oct 2000

posted 03-02-2001 07:30 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for glitter695     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Awww Lin Im sorry!!!

I've never been in an abusive relationship and I am sooooo grateful for that. I dunno what I would do if I was. I always say I would leave, but I know thats its not as easy as that. Im very sorry....

Im here if you need to talk also!!

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*~*~12/3/99*~*
*~*~*~I LOVE YOU BOB FOREVER AND ALWAYS*~*~*~

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't" -Erica Jong<~~~no thats not me :)

*~*Scarleteen Advocate*~*

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Cypher
Activist

Posts: 289
From: Canada
Registered: Nov 2000

posted 03-02-2001 12:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cypher     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Posting that was an incredibly brave thing to do. You should be very proud of yourself and I certainly don't think you're stupid at all. Sharing something as deep as that helps the recovery process. I'm very happy that you're doing so much better and handling yourself so well.

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d1TzY8
Activist

Posts: 316
From:
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 03-02-2001 01:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for d1TzY8     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I congratulate you on doing such a tough thing. Confessing. Scarleteen is the FIRST place i confess too. When I didn't know whether to "Run Away or Stay In Hell," every member up in Scarleteen was here giving me advice and numbers to call.

My family is doing the best it has in 10 years.

I know how abusive relationships work, being both the victim and the abuser, so I am right here with you!

Again, you did a very brave thing, and I think it's awesome.

Im always here for you!

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CallMeBuffChick
Activist

Posts: 433
From: Wichita, Ks
Registered: Dec 2000

posted 03-02-2001 04:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for CallMeBuffChick     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Not only do I have tears in my eyes, I'm at lost for words. Do you know how much it takes for both of those things to happen? Alot.

I think it was very brave of you to post this, and as soon as I get my thoughts back I'll be...back.

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XoXoGrl8
Activist

Posts: 132
From: New Jersey...US
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 03-02-2001 05:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for XoXoGrl8     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm 13, and I know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. I was.. when I was only 11. No one knew for a long time. I don't think you are stupid for staying with him at all and I feel your pain.

------------------
-Ashli-

"Treat me like an angel and you'll go to heaven."

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emsily0
Advocate

Posts: 786
From: Washington, DC
Registered: Dec 2000

posted 03-02-2001 07:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for emsily0     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
lin...i sort of had an idea from some things you said in village people, but i wasn't really believing it was true, and i didn't know the whole story. but after reading that, all i can say is that i have an unbelievable amount of respect for you. i think it's amazing that you had enough balls to admit that it wasn't just him, it was you, and to try to heal the pain you caused him. i don't think i would be able to do that. i would just give up. i think you guys must have a really strong relationship to be able to keep on going in spite of everything, and it makes me happy that you didn't throw it away.

em

------------------
Love is a word that is constantly heard
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But hating, my boy, is an art.
-Ogden Nash

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StarryRedhead
Activist

Posts: 367
From: NY, USA
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 03-02-2001 08:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for StarryRedhead     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Wow, Lin. It's very brave of you to post this story and as they say, admitting is the first step to recovery and healing.

I faced the beginnings of an abusive relationship this past summer, my boyfriend had a serious anger problem and it got scary sometimes. You're definitely not stupid for staying with him, if the abuse doesn't stop...then there's a problem. But as long as you're both working on it together I just want to wish you a lot of luck. And if you need to talk, find me on ICQ or e-mail me.

------------------
}{*Starry Ali*}{
"You just close your eyes slowly like you're waiting for a kiss, and hope some lowly little power will pull you out of this..."

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Lin
Activist

Posts: 2294
From: Singapore
Registered: Dec 2000

posted 03-03-2001 03:48 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lin     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Thanks guys.

You have no idea how touched I am by all the beautiful words you have written.

It really really means alot to me.

I love all of you too. Scarleteen has really become my virtual home.

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harmonyluvsrusty
Neophyte

Posts: 23
From: in the middle of somewheres and nowheres
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 03-03-2001 07:59 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for harmonyluvsrusty     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Lin..... I feel sooo sorry for you.
I am 14. When I was 13 I was in a verbal abusive relationship, and I know how hard it can be to let some one go. Till now, I still think about everything, and I know what I did was very right. I finally told him to get out of my life for good. He still wants to be friends with me, and doesn't understand or comprehend why I left as both a friend and a girl of his. Now, I am in a wonderful relationship. I have went out with this guy off and on since June and he treats me wonderfully . As do I him. I hope everything works out for you!!!

love ya!
Harmony

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lilnerd
Activist

Posts: 540
From: NY
Registered: Sep 2000

posted 03-03-2001 02:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for lilnerd     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Lin... I have to tell you, there are many great people on these boards but you are no doubt the sweetest. I can't believe you had this problem! You are certainly not stupid for staying with him though, because sometimes, when you love someone you CAN work things out and make them better. I hope everything's OK now, and if you ever need to talk we're here!

------------------
You should make amends with you if only for better health. But if you really want to live, why not try and Make Yourself?

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Hanne
Sexpert

Posts: 1538
From: boston, ma, USA
Registered: Jun 2000

posted 03-03-2001 02:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hanne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Lin, as long as you BOTH realize there's a problem and you're BOTH working on solving it, I say good for you and more strength to you both. Just remember that it takes two to tango, and if only one of you is working to fix things, they won't get fixed... if that happens, it's time to end the relationship. But as long as you're both working to change your behavior and your reactions, you're on the right track.

People *can* change their attitudes, actions, reactions, and ways of relating. It takes a lot of work, and no one else can do the work for you, which is why it's so important that each of you pulls your own weight in this situation, each of you being responsible for your own learning and growth and change. Yes, there's also a part where it intersects, because you're in a relationship, but ultimately, you are each responsible for your own growth.

And it sounds like you're doing very well with that.

------------------
Hanne Blank
Co-Editor, Scarleteen

Start a Revolution -- Stop Hating Your Body!

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KittenGoddess
Sexpert

Posts: 4399
From: USA
Registered: Oct 2000

posted 03-03-2001 11:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for KittenGoddess     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
*hugs* You are such a brave girl, not only for being strong enough to admit you've had this problem and working to fix it, but also for telling your story.

~KittenGoddess

------------------
"Reality is nothing but a collective hunch."
~Lily Tomlin

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Lin
Activist

Posts: 2294
From: Singapore
Registered: Dec 2000

posted 03-18-2001 09:37 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lin     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well, it didn't work out.

And maybe I was just naive and stupid to think that it would have. I have changed. No more verbal abuse on my part. But alot on his.

Not only that but he was trying to tell me that I wasn't able to have any emotions. I am not allowed to be angry at him even if I feel it is his fault. Even if I am angry, I have to act all nice and sweet but he has the right to threaten me with break ups and whatnot when he is angry.

I am being manipulated and I hate it. So I'm out of it. But it doesn't make it any less painful. Because I really love him and I really tried.

So there you go.

And I guess I have to admit now, thanks Miz S, that abusive relationships almost never work out.

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