Sound Off - Scarleteen Boards
  Relationships
  College & Relationships...

Post New Topic  Post A Reply
profile | register | preferences | faq | search

UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! next newest topic | next oldest topic
Author Topic:   College & Relationships...
Defily
Neophyte

Posts: 17
From: Iowa City, Iowa, USA
Registered: Nov 2000

posted 11-19-2000 01:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Defily     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm only a sophomore in high school, and my boyfriend of a little under 8 months is only a junior in high school. But we ARE forced to start thinking of the future, because neither of us really have any doubts that we will still be together. I am a needy and jealous person. I could never ever ever ever ever ever ever be in a LDR. Never. My boyfriend is a needy and almost as jealous as me, person. He could never ever ever ever ever ever ever be in a LDR. Never. That said, college talk is been being brought up a lot, especially for him. He doesn't really know what his plans are. At the University of Iowa, which is in the town we live in, you only have to be in the top half of your class and have completed simple courses to get in. Jason is not sure if he will be in the top half, but he's guessing he will be. I, on the other hand, have a bit different of a goal. Berkeley, CA. That's where I want to be. It's a pretty selective school, but I'm thinking I could most likely get in. My parents are willing to pay, so that's not an issue, but his parents are not willing to pay for school, so money is a thing he has to worry about. Jason has told me that he would move for me. The thing is, we don't know what to do about college. Should he wait a year, to see what I end up doing, so he doesn't have to transfer? Or should he start at Iowa and hope I don't get in? Heh, or if he does not get into Iowa, should he go to a community college and then transfer to a different community college once we get to California. One thing, I don't want to stay in California. I don't want to raise a family there. I just want to go to school there. If I don't get into Berkeley, I have no problem going to Iowa. I just kinda want to see if I can do it. Oh well. No one can answer my question for me, but if anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it.

------------------
j.e.a.n.n.i.e
Error: No Theme Available / Jeannie

IP: Logged

Miz Scarlet
Sexpert

Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 11-19-2000 01:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You know, I had a lot of friends who made college choices around their relationships, and to be plain, not a single one who didn't regret it.

College is for you, and it's a very big deal as a massive part of your life. Finding the right school to meet your needs and interests often isn't easy, especially if you have to pay for it yourself, because financial issues then also are an issue.

In general, my advice for sittuations like this is to look at the schools you are most interested in, period, and set aside your relationship issues when you do that. There are so many different options to make things work there's really no reason to limit yourself. If you are your partner are even still together then (voice of reality: it's pretty unlikely), you can work things long-distance, one of you can move and go to the same school or one nearby, you can agree for each of you to do two years where one of you wants to be, than the other two where the other does, and so forth.

But relationships are supposed to enhance your life and your goals, not drive or dictate them. It's a WHOLE lot easier to work a relationship around your life than it is to try and work your life around a relationship (and far healthier, I should add).

As an aside, I went to college within an hours drive of where I was living the year between high school and college, and as a side benefit, that meant my partner at the time could also see me basically all the time. It's a good thing I went where I wanted to go anyway, because within two months of starting school, our whole relationship fizzled out, which is pretty normal when you go to college, simply because even locally, it's a big life change.

IP: Logged

SoupPrincess
Activist

Posts: 47
From: Bloomington IL (the boringest place on earth)
Registered: Nov 2000

posted 11-19-2000 01:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for SoupPrincess     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think Defilly said that her boyfriend is a Junior in High school, not in Jr. High, but Glitter is right, you dont need to be thinking that far in advance.

Anyway, you may change in those two years. In the four months I have been away from my boyfriend, we have not had any problems with the long distance relationship. We see each other about once or twice a month, and we cope when we cant be together. Granted, it is not ideal, but it is the best we can do.

Just wait. Your attitudes, relationship, and everything will change before you need to be thinking about college.

------------------
When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist.

IP: Logged

deegurl143
Activist

Posts: 269
From: California
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 11-19-2000 02:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for deegurl143     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
sweetheart let me give you a situation...

the guy is in college. a sophomore to be exact and he's about to get his associates degree (is that the one you get after 2 yrs??). he's going to a community college.

the girl is a senior in high school who procrastinates. she has NO CLUE what college to go to or what to do. during the summer she planned that when her boyfriend transfers to a university, she'll go to and go to that college or a junior college around it (transferring later).

BAD SITUATION. here she is not having a clue of what college she's going to and has the ability to go to about any college she wants to. sure that plan sounded good during the summer, but what if they break up (yes after 2+ yrs). what if that college he is going to does have her college major of choice. that's just too many what-ifs!

well now let me introduce you to the girl....hi nice to meet you i'm Doreen. yup, that was me...still is. i'm probably going to end up going to a community college because i'm so late on applications (haven't started yet). sure i originally (in 11th grade) wanted to tranfer into a university after a junior college. that's not the point.

point is don't let a guy run where you go to college. Lord knows if you guys are REALLY going to spend the rest of your lives together. once again remember too many what-if's lead to no where good.

~Doreen

------------------
**Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted**

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
JaMeS & DoReEn 4eVeR
^*^*^*^^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

[This message has been edited by deegurl143 (edited 11-19-2000).]

IP: Logged

ErinK
Advocate

Posts: 2430
From:
Registered: Sep 2000

posted 11-19-2000 03:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ErinK     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well, when I started my relationship with my primary sweetie, I already was in college, and he was in high school.

I didn't want to transfer. When the time came for him to pick a college, I was also picking a graduate school.

He wanted to go to school close to home, and in state, to save on tuition, and he found a school that has a good reputation in his area. However, it has no graduate program in what I"m interested in. So, while he could've gone to the school I ended up choosing, which is also a good school in what he's interested in, he didn't want to.

So we're still five hours apart, and in a long distance relationship until one of us finishes our degrees (the current agreement being that whoever finishes first relocates, and if we both finish at the same time, we relocate together.)

We're both glad that we didn't let our relationship dictate our academic choices. I agree with Miz Scarlet here: a relationship is part of your life, but not the only part. If you want to go to Berkeley, and he doesn't or can't, you might want to go because it's what you want.

And college is not forever, and there are vacations and telephones and the Internet and cheap airfares. And if you do stay together for the long haul, being people who are fulfilled and happy as individuals will make you a happier and more fulfilled couple, because you won't be feeling like you sacrificed yourselves or your dreams for each other, but instead contributed to helping your partner sustain and achieve their goals.

Erin

IP: Logged

Defily
Neophyte

Posts: 17
From: Iowa City, Iowa, USA
Registered: Nov 2000

posted 11-19-2000 04:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Defily     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by ErinK:
And college is not forever, and there are vacations and telephones and the Internet and cheap airfares.

Thanks for everyone's advice, not sure I agree with it, but still. Thanks. About this quote, however, I'd much sooner end a relationship than continue a long distance relationship. It just wouldn't work for me. However, I am the one who knows what *I* want to do/go. Jason is undecided which is why he said he'd follow me to California. If in this time he finds something he wants to do, and I hope he does, then we we'll have to sit down and talk about it. And actually, the career choice of Journalism is the reason I wanted to go to Berkeley and since working on the school paper, I'm not sure if I have what it takes, so even that part of me is changing. If I decide I do not want to go into that feild, and I have no idea what I want to do, I will stay at Iowa, or follow Jason if he has decided where he wants to go. I suppose it just depends on what Jason and I figure out about ourselves and what we want to do. But yeah, I wouldn't be in a LDR. I'm too much of a jealous person to do so.

------------------
j.e.a.n.n.i.e
Error: No Theme Available / Jeannie

IP: Logged

Gumdrop Girl
Sexpert

Posts: 11271
From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 11-19-2000 06:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Gumdrop Girl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
GO BEARS! good luck getting into Berkeley. I love this place, even if our sorry *&#% football team can't be arsed to stop sucking long enough to beat Stanfurd (we lost our Big Game in overtime and I'm bitter about it -- i'll graduate never having seen us win ). if you have any queries about the school, or need help in organic chemistry, lemme know

anyway, as for college are relationships, there was a guy I once dated briefly and intermittently. We met the summer before out senior year, and to make a long story short, we promised to meet again at Cal (Berkeley) and pick up where we left off. In that time, I waited for him with patience, and was so glad to see him when I got there. But lo and behold, he already got a girl. They broke up and we went out, and I thought I was getting my second chance, but it didn't work out. Then he kicked out after being on Academic Probation.

it's not the same as deferring your college selection to stay with someone, but the real point is, people change. couples break up. in the frame of youth, 4 years is a long time, and you grow up a lot when you go to college. i am not the same girl i was when i met that guy. don't make your college plans to be with your boyfriend, it's big fat mistake. but don't fret about it now because you still have time right now to be with him. And who knows, maybe by that time you will be strong enough to stay together despite the mileage. if you don't, well, it's too bad, but in the end, it will be a wiser decision.

btw, our men's water polo team is made up of some attractive individuals

------------------
Maurice! Bring in the albinos! muwahahahahaha!!!

IP: Logged

entropie
Activist

Posts: 1030
From: Aotearoa
Registered: Jun 2000

posted 11-19-2000 09:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for entropie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Defily:
But yeah, I wouldn't be in a LDR. I'm too much of a jealous person to do so.

Defily, I don't think the issue here is college, or LDR's or any of that.
I think jealousy is.

Now have a serious think about this.. how much easier would your relationship be in neither of you were jealous? Wouldn't it be great not to feel that you couldn't trust someone? And wouldn't it feel great to be trusted?

Trust is a huge part of what makes up a sucessful (and long lasting) relationship : without trust, you're going downhill, fast.

I've been in numerous relationships where jealousy was involved, and I've been on both sides of it. It never felt good when my boyfriend was jealous of my male friends and companions; and it felt terrible when I was jealous of his female friends.

This caused our breakup after 2 years. And in that two years I thought we'd be together forever, because I loved him that much that I didn't want him to need anyone but me. Big Big mistake on my part.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I'd seriously advise that if you think this is going to be a long lasting relationship, you try to get some counselling (whether online or in person) together and seperately.

Trust me, if you sort out why you feel jealous, and why he does as well, you might just find the prospect of college refreshing, and it won't bother you too much. If you love and trust someone who does the same for you, the relationship will last no matter how long you are apart, or what the distance.

</jealousy rant>

love and light
entropie

[This message has been edited by entropie (edited 09-25-2002).]

IP: Logged

Defily
Neophyte

Posts: 17
From: Iowa City, Iowa, USA
Registered: Nov 2000

posted 11-23-2000 06:47 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Defily     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by entropie:
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I'd seriously advise that if you think this is going to be a long lasting relationship, you try to get some counselling (whether online or in person) together and seperately.


How? Where online would give this kind of counselling? I think you are right, I think we need it.

------------------
j.e.a.n.n.i.e
Error: No Theme Available / Jeannie

IP: Logged

Miz Scarlet
Sexpert

Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 11-23-2000 07:27 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Counseling can't be done online, it needs to be done in person.

Your best bet is to open up your yellow pages and look up Mental Health, then look for relationship or marriage counselors. You can also call a couple and ask if they can recommend someone who specializes in teens or young couples. Your school counselor may also be able to refer you to someone.

IP: Logged

entropie
Activist

Posts: 1030
From: Aotearoa
Registered: Jun 2000

posted 11-23-2000 03:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for entropie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I guess I meant more like Scarleteen.. you can get some individual help here.. but Miz Scarlet is right, it's probably best to get some in person..

I'm glad you listened

((hugs))

entropie

------------------
honeylaser's site

IP: Logged

StarlitNight007
Activist

Posts: 59
From: Mountaintop
Registered: Nov 2000

posted 11-23-2000 08:44 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for StarlitNight007     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi guys,
In about 8 months from now, I'm going to be going through the separation of a long time boyfriend. He is a senior in high school now, and I'm currently a junior. In July he's off to the Air Force Academy in Colorado, and I'll probably stay in Pennsylvania for college (tuition and all that) and as much as I'm dreading that time apart from him, I think that if we were really meant to be together (as i strongly believe) then this whole college thing will only make us stronger as a couple. Unlike the original poster, I am very willing to maintain a long distance relationship. And letters, Internet and airplanes make seeing him on rare occasions very possible. I am very happy that neither of us are letting our feelings rule our career choices. Love is a strong feeling, and I know that it's strong enough to survive college.

IP: Logged

Miz Scarlet
Sexpert

Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 11-24-2000 07:31 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Brava, Starlit!

What an excellent attitude. Good luck to you, though it sounds like you won't need it.

- Miz S. (who, for the record, ended up marrying a person who for a decade was usually in a different state than she was)

IP: Logged

LilBlueSmurf
Sexpert

Posts: 5209
From: Belleville, Ontario, Canada
Registered: Sep 2000

posted 11-24-2000 09:17 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for LilBlueSmurf     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Whoa ... looks like everyone has to put up w/ this too huh? Well i'll share, might as well ...

Even though it's only the middle of the first sem., i'm still dreading next yr. My bf is a 2nd yr senior (that's gr 13 here) and i'm a juniour (gr 11) ... So next year he's going off to college (probably about an hr away, i think) and leaving me here. Not that i see him a whole h*** of a lot anyway, b/c he's already 25-30mins away to begin w/ *sigh* Guess i'm just venting ... sorry ...

Anyway, you can't build your life on one person. Even if you were to say "smurfy, but we're getting married" i'd say the same. There are no guarantees in life ... And if you concentrate on one thing alone, chances are you will end up getting hurt. You need to balance your life and priorities and it doesn't look to me like you have at all. Boyfriends are only part of the package ... look at the big picture ... It looks a lot better that way

~ Smurfy

IP: Logged

SlowCookie
Activist

Posts: 681
From: Florida, USA
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 11-24-2000 01:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for SlowCookie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Defily, I'll be blunt, I think you need to be hit with a reality hammer. You're only a sophomore, you'll change so much before you even graduate. You'll change your career goals, college plans, and probably your boyfriend too. I'm not being pessimistic, just simply honest. How about this... remember that best friend in middle school or elementary school? You guys were going be best friends forever and ever, right? Well, how's that working out? With most of us, our friends now are not the same ones we had in middle school. The only constant thing in life is change, keep that in mind.

I'm no voice of wisdom, I'm only 18 and a senior in high school. All of middle school, I wanted to be a journalist. In 9th grade, I wanted to be an architect. In 10th and 11th grade, I wanted to go into bio-chem or psychology. I was so sure I was going to Georgetown, or Michigan... and yes, I gave Berkeley alot of thought too but I'm Asian and there's a quota . Guess what I want to do now? I have no idea, none whatsoever. Believe me, you'll change your mind... about everything. That's normal. But now, if your going to keep a death vise on your boyfriend, I think that's a bit wacko and very unhealthy. Step back and put some perspective into it.

I'm in a great relationship and we're facing the whole college problem too. But I don't think there's much to think about. As much as we want to be together, we're going to break up before we go off to college. There's over 30,000 people at the University of Florida. That's alot of people to meet. I might go there too but I doubt it. College is a whole different phase in your life. You're off on your own and there are so many things to do, you're finally living YOUR life. We won't be the same people as we were in high school. We'll be so different and I'm just hoping that we'll remain friends since he's such a wonderfully guy. It'll be sad to let each other go but it has to happen.

Defily, don't look too far into the future. You're plans are idealistic but not realistic. Don't let a juvenile relationship make such an important decision in your life. Nothing is "forever and ever" and your life will go on even after your relationship ends.

[This message has been edited by SlowCookie (edited 11-24-2000).]

IP: Logged

Defily
Neophyte

Posts: 17
From: Iowa City, Iowa, USA
Registered: Nov 2000

posted 11-25-2000 09:01 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Defily     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by SlowCookie:
How about this... remember that best friend in middle school or elementary school? You guys were going be best friends forever and ever, right? Well, how's that working out?


Heh, bad example for me. I have two best friends. One, I met when I was 3 months old... we live about 8 hours apart now, but we have been best friends for about 16 years...our whole lives. My other best friend I met on the first day of kindergarten, and we now live 2 hours apart and we are still best friends. For about 11 years. I don't see Nicole (the one 8 hours away) all that often, maybe three times a year, but I talk to her all the time. And I see Rachel about once every two months. Just saw her on Thanksgiving, actually Anyway.. yeah. Just a comment by me.

------------------
j.e.a.n.n.i.e
Error: No Theme Available / Jeannie

IP: Logged

Miz Scarlet
Sexpert

Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 11-25-2000 09:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
...and you've managed those relationships long-distance just fine, then, see?

Really, issues of possessiveness, co-dependence or jealousy are MUCH bigger (and far more damaging) issues than distance. They can, in fact, really screw up your relationship and your own well-being nearby or far. I hope you'll start to examine them.

IP: Logged

Gumdrop Girl
Sexpert

Posts: 11271
From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 11-26-2000 04:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Gumdrop Girl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
SlowCookie, there is no racial quota at Berkeley or any other University of Claifornia school. We did away with affirmative action in 1997, and imho, it was a good decision because the old way wasn't doing anything to promote diversity anyway.

affirmative action pisses me off to no end.

------------------
Maurice! Bring in the albinos! muwahahahahaha!!!

IP: Logged

entropie
Activist

Posts: 1030
From: Aotearoa
Registered: Jun 2000

posted 11-26-2000 06:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for entropie     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Two appropriate quotes/sayings:

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"
and
"If you love something, set it free - if it comes back it is meant to be, if it doesn't, it never was"


entropie

------------------
honeylaser's site

IP: Logged

All times are CT

next newest topic | next oldest topic

Administrative Options: Close Topic | Archive/Move | Delete Topic
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
Hop to:

Contact Us | Scarleteen: Sex Ed for the Real World

Copyright 1997, 2006 Scarlet Letters/Scarleteen


Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.47e

Google
Search Scarleteen