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Author Topic:   abortion, boyfriend is [not] okay?!!!

Posts: 1
Registered: Jan 2006

posted 01-23-2006 02:05 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for TBEAR     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
My boyfriend is having a hard time. We had a surgical abortion on the 18th and for a few days he tried really hard to hold it together (he feels like he has to stay strong so I will do the same)... but he's been a WRECK for a few weeks and on the 20th I initiated a talk about him not being okay. He said he's had nightmares about the protestors... but that's all I could get out of him. So I made him take the number of the clinic who offers free post abortion counseling. I think that upset him more because even though when he went home that night we were on good terms, he hasn't talked to me for two days and hasn't seen me for three!

I am so worried about him because I know he is hurting badly. It's not like him to bail out in a time like this... he always tries to make sure Iím okay when thereís an emergency. Ö I'm so sad about how I imagine he's feeling and what he could be thinking. I want him to get help but don't know how to make sure he does.

Since he's ignoring me... that means he wants space, right?
Should I just leave him to come to terms with it? And call me when he's ready?
Or could he feel how I would if I were acting this way and be dying for me to help him?!

All he ever wants to do is sleep. He always wants to be alone. He barely touched me after I found out I was pregnant-- he actually got agitated when I tried to get him to hold me! He's not acting like himself at all and no one can get him to talk. His band mates have tried; I keep calling and leaving messages saying I love him... but I wonder if it's making him feel worse?

I really don't know what to do!!! I am so worried about him and it's really hard not to take his reaction to this way personally. I'm starting to feel like he may regret the abortion and because of that resent me. And thatís really hard because I want him to be okay with this!

I thought about making a romantic gesture like taking flowers to him at work in hopes that I could get him to agree to talk to me but I don't know if that's a good idea?

I'm really upset and worried. I'm only 17 and I feel like he is the only person who can be here for me through this... but he won't! And I can't blame him because I know he's not dealing with it well... or is he just a jerk?!

He says heís fine. And if he is fine then ignoring me during this situation would make him a jerk. But he said heís had nightmares! And I think heís depressed.

Oh, what should I do?! How can I make sure he's okay and if he's not okay how can I convince him to get help? He wonít even talk to me! I canít rely on his band mates to get him through thisÖ and his parents arenít even in the equation because he and hasnít told them I was pregnant (Heís 22 and Ö we see them on holidays)! If I talk to them about it he will feel so betrayed. But maybe I need to so he can get the help he needs?

Gimme some guidance! Iíve got to make sure heís okay!!!!

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Miz Scarlet

Posts: 19846
From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 01-23-2006 10:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Honestly, I wouldn't worry that much about him. YOU are the one who was pregnant, YOU are the one who had the abortion, not him.

Certainly, he's going to have his own feelings about it, but this should not be a crisis-type scenario for him, as he isn't IN crisis. This behaviour started with him from the start of your pregnancy, so it's likely not just about the abortion. Partner behaviour w/pregancy can be pretty unpredictable: sometimes even the otherwise coolest of partners behave badly.

YOU need support right now: ask for it. He says he's fine, you say YOU are not fine, so ask him to step up. Seriously, YOU need to be your primary concern right now, and he needs to pony up and realize you are the one who has been in crisis here.

Heather Corinna
Editor & Founder, Scarleteen
ST blog ē about Heather & Scarleteen
I have come to learn that that which is most important to me must be spoken. - Audre Lorde

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Posts: 233
From: The Valley of the Sun, AZ, USA
Registered: May 2004

posted 01-23-2006 07:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for faifai     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Peaches, although we know you are only trying to help, this board is for staff and volunteers only. Please stick to only answering in the boards open for all users.

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