I highly doubt that the problem is with condoms as a whole - try a few different brands, and you should be able to find one that works for you.

Also, if you're not using a condom-safe lubricant, you're missing out - it can make sex with a condom feel so much better for both partners, and makes condoms less likely to break, as well!

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Laurel Lemming
Scarleteen Advocate

If not, not.

And I would say that to anyone, regardless of their age.

Why? Because it really, truly is life or death. And to me, I'd rather have a little bit of hassle while I figure out what kind of condom I can deal with than to have a big hassle - taking a huge number of pills every day or treating sores that come back or warts or even cervical cancer.

Nothing is worth risking your health for.

Sorry, but I (and many others around here) feel very, very strongly about this - otherwise, we wouldn't spend our time volunteering.

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Laurel Lemming
Scarleteen Advocate

If you have it in your head that condoms are awful, that they feel awful, that they inhibit orgasm or that they're a punishment, it's prettty darn likely they're going to feel like all of those things. Really, that's often how it works.

While I'm here: Hiya. My name is Heather. I'm 33 years old and I love, love, love condoms. Love them. I prefer using them to not using them for a zillion reasons. I've been in long-term relationships w/clear tests when I and my partners could have forgone using them with minimal risks, but we gladly used them anyway. They're also my favorite method of birth control. I've used them now for close to two decades. I have literally, in numerous situations, sat in amazment and gratitude at what a wonder a condom is. I don't feel a condom is any sort of punishment: the things are gifts: they're cheap, easily accessible, they engage both partners in birth control and safer sex practices, good ones used well feel divine (condoms which are literally "painful" are NOT quality condoms used correctly or the right condoms, OR someone has a latex allergy, period), and I don't feel physically or emotionally detached from anything at all -- if a thin sheet of latex kept me from feeling connected, my connection likely wouldn't be a very strong thing to begin with, eh?

Hokey? Maybe. And not everyone has to feel that way, but I do, and plenty of us do (I feel similarly about gloves, finger cots and dams, for the record). And it's possible that feeling that way about them makes a big difference.

For the record? I also work with adults, and my safer sex advice doesn't vary a whit from what we tell the users here in the slightest.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

Really, while we should expect no less of all our partners, it isn't as common as it should be and the guys who are that smart and savvy about safer sex deserve a hand (especially since it seems all too often, men don't get the social support to be safe as much as women do).

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

It's just so frustrating for me. And it's all me; the boy wants to use condoms. He used condoms with the three other girls he had sex with before me, less than ten times combined. And he never, ever came. We've been going out six months and to this day he has still never been able to finish with a condom on. He's really frustrated by this. I am quicker to say "forget the condom!" because it hurts me. An hour of sex is too long. As far as I'm concerned, thirty minutes of straight penetration is too long. I'm a ten to twenty minute kind of gal. But even if I suffered through an hour (most I made it up to was 40 minutes of timed penetration) he still would not come! Without a condom, I'd still say he has above-average stamina, but it's good good sex and it's perfect for me. With a condom, it's hell.

Just the other day, we tried ANOTHER condom, ANOTHER brand, at his insistance. Thirty minutes, I gave up, pain pain pain pain pain. He was so upset, too. He was like, "what am I going to do for the rest of my life?" I have no answers for him. But I just didn't want anyone to think he's all "hey, baby, let's ditch the condom," or anything. It's all me, but I don't think I can be blamed.

I didn't always feel this way about condoms. Before this boy, I liked them all right. Not the best, but what can you do? Now my loathing for them is tangible. We are in a very serious relationship. I can't explain why I feel disconnected with a condom. I'm just a very touch, skin-to-skin kind of person. Condoms have always seemed too surgical, too sterile. I like sex messy and passionate and touching... don't get me wrong, I can see how condoms would be someone's thing, but they aren't mine. Of couse under normal circumstances, I can tolerate them. But thirty minutes??? Have pity on me! If you've ever had straight penetration for thirty minutes, you know what I'm talking about. Yes, we change positions, try foreplay, nothing helps. We tried having sex without the condom up until he was going to come, and then put it on. Twenty-five minutes later... you get my drift.

I talked to my gynecologist, she thinks it might be something physical or mental. The boy is seventeen and he does not have insurance. I'm not exactly sure this is something they could take care of at a free clinic.

I love my boy and we are very committed to each other. For now, this is the relationship I want to be in, I don't want to give him up over this. On the other hand, I have a very very high sex drive and I don't want to give that up either. Yeah, I know about the other things to do, trust me I utilize them all the time. But there's something about sex, actual sex, with someone that I love, that feels good on some deep emotional level as well as physical. I mean, orgasms from intercourse aren't as powerful as other orgasms, but there's just something.

Condoms do not protect 100% against STDs. Since we are both tested, exclusive, and have made a pact to own up to extracurricular things should they happen, I feel reasonably protected. This is the choice that I have made.

And for the record, I've never heard anyone tell a married woman to use a condom.

I don't really care for any of the birth control methods on the market, but this is just me. I just don't feel like women's reproductive health is taken very seriously in this country. But that's only one of my issues with it.

quote:

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Originally posted by Lainey:
And for the record, I've never heard anyone tell a married woman to use a condom.

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Actually, I know quite a few married women who use condoms. It's a cheap, easy, effective form of birth control that's accessable anytime, anywhere and can be used by anyone. In fact, I'd say that most of the married couples I know who are not trying to get pregnant are using condoms.

Frankly honey, it sounds like your boyfriend needs to see a doctor. Your gynocologist can make a guess, but s/he is YOUR doctor and has not examined your boyfriend. He needs to see a doctor and then be open and honest with them about what he's experiencing. Are either of you college students? Many universities offer health care (physical and mental) to students and their partners, even if they don't have insurance. Or what about Planned Parenthood? Or some other clinic in your area?

While I understand your desire to just toss the condoms and thus possibly solve the problem, the truth is that getting rid of the condoms may not solve anything. Or the difficulty he's experiencing may be an indication that something else is going on that needs to be checked out. Honestly it's never a good idea to just hope that something will solve itself if you really feel strongly that there may be some underlying physical or mental cause...quite often those things will come back and bite you in the butt later.

And as to condoms decreasing a sense of attachment, that's really something that makes me sad. Unfortunately that attitude is something that our culture seems to have cultivated in a great many young people. Personally, I think there are few things sexier than watching my partner put on a condom. Latex is pretty darn sexy when you get right down to it.

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Milke, SSBD, RATS, TMNTP

Can I ask WHY you're engaging in a half-hour of solid interoucrse when it sounds like neither of you enjoy it? I'd stop that right now. Find what you DO enjoy. Do that. You say you're a skin-to-skin person, great. So USE that. Engage in other activities, especially those that give you both full body contact without all this pressure and anxiety.

There's really no way of telling if this is about the condoms or not, but I'm willing to bet if it is, it isn't JUST about the condoms. (And Celery's suggestion, for the record, might be a good one in time)

(And as far as the married women comment goes, I've worked in sex advice and information for years now, and adult sex educators who are tuned in to safer sex truly do not tend to give adults -- married or single -- any different advice on safer sex than we give teens. I don't, and I know many, many other sex educators who talk about safer sex for everyone, regardless of age, gender or marital status. Susie Bright does, Betty Dodson does, Anne Semas and Cathy Winks do, my partner Hanne does...the works.)

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

Condoms are painful for me. I don't think I feel disconnected with condoms because of society or anyone else's ideas. It just seems like the more condoms are pushed on me, the more I shy away from them. The birthcontrol methods of my own friends vary. One friend uses condoms, one is on Depro-Prevara. I've looked into all the options. I never used to have problems with condoms. I don't know exactly what the problem is.

The point is, he does not reach orgasm with a condom on. I do. I don't enjoy sex as much, but I do. He just does not. I would give him oral sex, but I really hate it. I feel bad saying it, but I just don't care for giving it to him all that much. I feel guilty because he does it for me all the time and it's great.

I also feel like it's too late now. We've been having sex sans condoms for about four months now. If something were going to happen, it would be too late now. I don't think something could, but you really never know. I get STD screened every six months. Also, without a condom sex is normal. Depending on the time of foreplay or how long it's been since he last ejaculated, he can take as little as three minutes or as long as fifteen, and sometimes he won't finish at all and we'll stop. It seems without condoms he can kind of gauge his stamina, if it's going to happen or not. With a condom he feels a lot of the time on the brink of orgasm, which is why we keep doing it for ridiculous lengths of time. To him, it feels like it will just be a few more minutes tops. Then it turns out to be more like twenty, still feeling that way, still nothing.

Everything that you are saying is true. Condoms are responsible. They are the only thing protecting you against stds. But he does not finish and they hurt me, I do not like oral sex, I do like sex and I don't want to stop having sex. This is my dilemma.

quote:

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Condoms are painful for me.

But he does not finish and they hurt me

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Unless you have a latex allergy or suchlike problem, condoms are not going to be physically painful (if an allergy is involved, on your part or his, then switching to polyurethane condoms would solve the problem). It sounds like what's causing the pain is in fact, as you say, "doing it for ridiculous lengths of time" - in which case the solution is to stop doing it for ridiculous lengths of time.

The thing is, condoms per se don't have magical orgasm-preventing powers. Really . And from what you say:

quote:

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Also, without a condom sex is normal. Depending on the time of foreplay or how long it's been since he last ejaculated, he can take as little as three minutes or as long as fifteen, and sometimes he won't finish at all and we'll stop.

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- it appears that your boyfriend also can't reach orgasm some of the time when not using a condom. Which suggests that the condoms are not the whole story.

If you're both getting screened for STDs/STIs at six month intervals, have a reliable method of birth control, are completely monogamous, and have considered all the risks, then, as Milke says, you have the option of forgoing the condoms.

(If you're looking for alternatives, then we have a thread about the female condom here).

But that still isn't going to solve any underlying problems there may be.

quote:

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With a condom he feels a lot of the time on the brink of orgasm, which is why we keep doing it for ridiculous lengths of time. To him, it feels like it will just be a few more minutes tops.Then it turns out to be more like twenty, still feeling that way, still nothing.

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In that case, a possible solution would be saying something like "OK hon, we both know you're not going to come from this, let's stop and do something else." And oral sex is not the only alternative - I assume both of you have functioning hands, for example .

quote:

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Originally posted by Lainey:
I would give him oral sex, but I really hate it. I feel bad saying it, but I just don't care for giving it to him all that much. I feel guilty because he does it for me all the time and it's great.

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Just to add something:
If you hate performing oral sex, then stop doing it. Never force yourself to do something you don't want to. Speak to him about it and let him know how you feel. You won't get any joy out of doing something you don't feel comfortable with.

quote:

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Originally posted by DiamondGirl2K:
Just to add something:
If you hate performing oral sex, then stop doing it. Never force yourself to do something you don't want to. Speak to him about it and let him know how you feel. You won't get any joy out of doing something you don't feel comfortable with.

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I have, he understands, and I don't. When it comes to doing things I'm not comfortable with, I secure my boundaries and he goes out of his way to respect them. Unless I'm in a particularly strange mood and feel like doing it, then I will. He was not comfortable with giving me oral sex for a long time and I didn't push him either.

Useful information for anybody, though.

The problem is, I like sex. I like having sex. Just not with any condoms so far.

The top (as it's shows in the picture) is open, and the bottom ring sits in the condom, and can be moved freely. It sits around the cervix when it's in place, and the lower bit of the condom hangs outside the vulva a bit.

The page this picture's from has more info, too. http://www.femalehealth.com/theproduct.html
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Milke, SSBD, RATS, TMNTP

Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost

Btw, the trustez cola flavored condom works wonders!

Also, Trustex cola flavored condoms totally rock, but they should only be used for oral sex, because they can cause yeast infections if used for intercourse.

blond ambition- It probably depends more on positioning and that particular orgasm than whether or not there's a condom. I can feel the throbbing through a condom most of the time.