For background story, I was a very sheltered child when it came to sex and sexuality despite my mom throwing a book about "growing up" in my lap at age five, when I first started showing signs of puberty (thank {deity of choice} that it was premature and I didn't actually start puberty until age 11!). I didn't know what many terms relating to sex were until the eighth grade when my friends were talking about it and I was confused. I still don't know a lot of stuff, though I'm trying to learn so I don't feel too naive. In fact, it was because of Internet research that I first started questioning myself.

You see, I have never wanted to have a significant other. I don't want the responsibilities of being in a relationship, or the stress, or anything except maybe the friendship. In fact, only when I was fourteen and first starting to really learn about sex and sexuality was I even interested in having any kind of sex at all. But then, with that, came the wonderings that maybe I'm gay. I didn't have any interest in having sex with a guy, so I assumed that I was a lesbian because the thought of having sex with a girl didn't bother me. I had and still have no interest in sex with girls, either. I don't want to say that it disgusts me, although I am a little grossed out by the idea of intercourse (I'm also grossed out by the idea of eating, brushing teeth, and a few other things if I stop to think about them). I prefer to think that I'm simply not interested.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyhow, at age fourteen, I decided I had to be a lesbian. So I spent a year and a half struggling with the thought, never happy, and finally "came out" at sixteen. Everyone was fine with it. My best friend even admitted she was attracted to me.

Now, I'm not so sure if I've even got any sexual orientation. If I had to choose a gender with whom I'd rather be intimate, I would say 'female,' but in my mind, intimacy has nothing to do with sex. This might also be my Catholic upbringing speaking. I'm just more interested in sitting with someone quietly and reading books or watching tv than kissing or anything further. Hey, if I felt comfortable enough around a guy, my definition of intimacy would come easily with him.

So- I'm confused. I don't know if I'm just not sexually mature yet (at 18), if I'm bi or lesbian or what. When I was going to therapy for depression, I tried to speak with my psychiatrist about it, but she really only offered suggestions like "It's possible to be married but not share a bed." or "Maybe if you meet the right person, it'll all change."
Oh. I suppose I should add another thing that was brought up on the A-sexual topic- I have a little social anxiety and am uncomfortable with being touched (as in hugged), although I'm learning to deal with this and get past it. I <i>have</i> to at the college I'm at, were almost everybody is touchy-feely. (Oh. My psychiatrist recommended the school and I'm happier here than I've ever been, so she was right about at least one thing :P)

I understand that recently, that term has started to be used colloquially by some for people who are uninterested in partnered sex, but to be honest, I'm not very fond of it as a term, since it can really be a very complex issue, and I don't think tossing it into one neatly labeled box is such a great idea, especially since sexual partnership and intimacy is about far more than sex organs, and sexuality exists even when a person is not sexually active. To say someone is asexual implies they have no sexuality because they have no, or want no, sex partners or sexual activity. And that simply isn't so.

People certainly can vary in the level of physical affection and intimacy they desire. Obviously, things like social anxiety disorder or agoraphobia or misophobia can feed into that, and it sounds in your case Keri, like that is certainly a factor. Previous sexual assault or abuse can also create a fear of physical intimacy or sexuality, as can sexual shaming.

Developing sexually doesn't really dictate a person's level of sexual interest, especially with partners. That really can be all over the map, and some people just aren't very interested in partnered sex, for periods of time, or even for whole lifetimes, and there is really nothing to say that is abnormal or that there is a thing wrong with it, unless it makes you unhappy, in which case I'd suggest finding a sex therapist, because it doesn'ty sound like your own psychiatrist is very well experienced with your scenario, and I'd agree with you, the way that she is addressing your concerns about it seems pretty dismissive. My guess is she just isn't very experienced with it.

But if it doesn't bother you -- save that you think you're abnormal -- I really wouldn't sweat it too much if it's what you're comofrtable with right now. That may change over time, or it may not, and either way, it can be totally okay. There are plenty of people in the world who want what it seems you do right now.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

I, too, share your fear of being touched/hugged/poked/hugged again, but just asking people not to hasn't seemed to offend anyone, but I'm not in college yet, so may be different :\
Most people can notice if you go tense or seem to withdraw into yourself when being hugged or whatever, so it shouldn't be much of a problem later on in life

Anything that ya want to do is perfectly okay, entirely up to you

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Calvin: Your simian countenance suggests a heritage unusually rich in species diversity.

I'm the one responsible for the asexuality thread (or one of them, anyway), so I thought I'd chime in here.

I'm 24 years old, and it's only really within the last year or so that I've managed to straighten out (pun intended...sorry...) all my feelings regarding my own sexuality. There's no particular reason for this that I'm aware of; it's just that my sex drive was slow to develop.

So, it's perfectly possible that over the next few years, you *will* be doing some more sexual maturing, and that your feelings will sort themselves out in time.

What do you do in the meantime? Do your best to resist the pressure to label yourself, for one, if none of the labels seem to fit right. You've probably heard this a bunch of times, but it's true - there's no reason why, at the age of eighteen, you should have to put yourself in a little box labelled "gay," "straight," "bi," "none of the above," or anything else. If someone is blunt enough to ask you directly what your sexual orientation is, "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer too.

It's also good to educate yourself as much as possible about the physical, emotional, and practical aspects of sexuality. (Hanging around Scarleteen is a great way to do this.) It *is* possible to think too much about these things (I've done it myself), and I'm not so sure it's really possible to understand what sexual attraction is if you've never experienced it directly. But I think that the more you know, the more easily you'll be able to understand your own feelings when you have them.

And there are also some people who are "late bloomers", like me. I had some similar experiences to you when I was a teenager - I wasn't attracted to any of the guys I met, so I figured that I was probably a lesbian, until I noticed that I wasn't sexually attracted to any of the women I met either.

It wasn't until I was 18 or 19 that I started to find myself seriously attracted to anyone (and to this day, there are just very few people I find attractive - the things that draw me are pretty quirky).

I have a neurological disability (Asperger's syndrome) which means that I have social problems, I get very anxious and my nervous system can over-react to touch (so, like you, I'm not exactly "touchy-feely"). All of which create obvious barriers to starting any sort of sexual relationship.

So ultimately, it wasn't until I was 27 (yup, last year) that I felt ready and found the right situation and person and decided I wanted to be sexual with him.

And it's been really good so far .

But I think one reason why it's been good is that I waited and did things according to my own weird developmental schedule. I gained a huge amount from being celibate for so long - I gained a huge amount of confidence that wasn't dependent on "having a boyfriend", and I got to know my own body at my own pace. For me, this was what was right.

So give yourself time to figure things out. It's OK to be confused. Being celibate for as long as you want (whether that's for a short period of time or forever) is fine - sex isn't compulsory .

Wait for as long as you need for your own body and mind to start telling you what you want .