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Author Topic:   Coming out-to yourself

Posts: 86
From: South Africa
Registered: Oct 2001

posted 02-03-2002 10:29 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hotbuttered101     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

[We've all heard stories about coming out to friends, relatives and sometimes a whole bunch of strangers. We've heard stories from the good, the bad and the just plain ugly...But when did you come out to yourself?

When I look back I'm surprised I didn't realise sooner. Firstly, as a child I was a tomboy (I've always loved the term). In nursery and pre-primary school most of my friends were boys (one being my future husband and me being his future wife). I would play cricket and soccer with them and I loved to climb trees. After a while, though, I had more female friends (about gr. 1/2) as well as quite a few male friends.

In about gr. 3-5 I stopped playing soccer with the guys at break (recess). I was still a girlish tomboy though. I cannot remember clearly if the feelings I had towards one girl were feelings of jelousy, if I was admiring her, or if I sort of liked her. At the same time I had been having quite a few crushes on guys.

In about gr.5 I began having a certain dream. In it I was a gorgeous/kind/wonderful guy and all the girls liked me and I never had problems getting a gf. Now...I've never wanted to be a guy . I'm totally femme and when I came out as bi to my one friend she said that she never would have guessed. Though, I do think it had something to do with my feelings towards girls.This is one of the first times I can actually pinpoint any kind of gay thoughts. Still...I didn't even think anything of my fairly repetitive dream. I had also been having the occasional crush on certain teachers-one in particular.

It only really hit me when, two yrs ago at the start of grade 8, I developed a major crush on this absolutely gorgeous, sexy girl a yr above me. At first I was upset. I didn't want to be gay or anything close. I didn't have any problem with gay people at all. The crush didn't go away though.

After accepting the fact that I may be bi, I eventually found the internet. The internet is my saviour. I wish I had found it when my feelings first started to develop. The funny thing is that I have absolutely no feelings towards my first female crush at all. We're in the same b-ball team and where previously that would be heaven, I don't have a crush on her at all. Since then I have had about 1 other (long) crush on a girl and I am developing a crush on this extremely cute girl 2 yrs older. Sorry this is so long...What about everyone else?

[This message has been edited by Hotbuttered101 because paragraphs can be extremely helpful (edited 02-03-2002).]

[This message has been edited by Hotbuttered101 (edited 02-03-2002).]

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Posts: 290
From: Minneapolis
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 02-03-2002 10:50 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for DrQuack5     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
The idea of my being gay never ever crossed my mind until I was about 14 or so.

When I was little (in elementary/primary school) I had my fair share of guy likings, but now that I think about it ... I only thought they were cute. I never had any real feelings (or as real as a 10 year old can feel) towards them. In grade 6, we had a music teacher that I absolutely adored and I thought she was really cute and I was really obsessed with her.

Then in junior high, I had a single crush on a guy. That's the only guy I've ever had a crush on. Later on in junior high, though, I became best friends with my now former best friend, but at the time I near fell in love with her. I sort of ignored those feelings until I couldn't really handle them anymore (which was when I was about 14).

At that point, I started questioning myself and first thought I was bi, but then realized that I didn't really like guys or have an interest in them romantically. So I started calling myself gay, but I never told anyone until about half a year later.

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Posts: 7
From: New Glasgow, Nova Scotia, Canada
Registered: Dec 2001

posted 02-11-2002 05:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Puffy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I never really thought about it until the end of elementary school. Since I was little, I much prefere wearing baggy clothes then girly clothes. Had more male friends than female and such was the case until just recently. I was really nervous around girls, at the time I didn't know why though.

Everyone I knew convinced me that I had something wrong with me, so I went into a deep depression and attempted suicide. But when I eventually got better, I found a bunch of information on homosexuals so then I knew I wasn't alone.

I was still working on accepting the fact that I'm gay, but then I fell really hard for a friend of mine. I told her and she's all really cool about it and junk and it's just like I never told her nothing. But I'm almost to the point now where I can say aloud the word gay, where as I couldn't before. It scared me too bad. I dunno...ongoing battle I guess.

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Posts: 57
From: Minneapolis
Registered: Jan 2002

posted 02-11-2002 06:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for indigodazed     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well, ever since I was little I knew what homosexuality was. Bert and Ernie were each other's husbands. Mommie's friend Kevin's boyfriend John brought me a stuffed animal. My best friend Elleanor had two daddies. Zach from pre-school had two mommies. Homosexuality was a completely normal thing to me, and I never knew that anyone felt differently until I reached elementary school. At that point, I was going through my pink, girly stage. This didn't stop me from playing kickball at recess. My little group of friends during my elementary school, all had parents very similar in ideals to my own. Even at the school that I went to was known for it's open-mindedness, and a large population of the teachers, parents,a nd kids there were GLBT or GLBT supportive. By about third grade, I had reached my tomboy stage (I never really left it). I realised that not everyone thought that homosexuality was natural. I was taunted by my female peers for not being interested in the female pursuits of boys and clothing, and rejected by my male friends, because girls had cooties. The beginning of my bad years. This continued through the end of sixth grade. In seventh grade, I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of taunting, and abuse. I switched schools, to a small, hippie, liberal, private school. It was just like my old school had been in respec t to it's openmindedness. But my peers were so different. There were a lot more accepting, and while it still wasn't the best few years of my life, it was certainly a nice change after my old school. I first recognised my crush on a girl at the end of eighth grade. At that point, I realised that I had never really liked boys, and that while I didn't realise it then, all of those girls I looked up to had been crushes as well. It was still very nice to go on to high school. Now, I have a lovely group of friends, who are all very accepting, wonderful people.

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Posts: 12
Registered: Feb 2002

posted 02-12-2002 06:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bearcub     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Originally posted by indigodazed:
I first recognised my crush on a girl at the end of eighth grade. At that point, I realised that I had never really liked boys, and that while I didn't realise it then, all of those girls I looked up to had been crushes as well.

I can't say that I have been aware of the whole gay-thing so long... I recognized some years ago that I had crushes on girls, but then I had crushes on guys, too - or were they really crushes? (I have some good male friends, but there is nothing more in that, which I can't honestly say to be the truth about my female friends)
I never had a real relationship with either gender - the farthest I ever went was to kiss a guy at my school when I was about 15 - and when he wanted to go further, I got scared and backed out of it.
Recently I have been giving a lot of thought to my possibly being gay... and it scares me - again, not because I have anything against gay people (in fact it's always been a source of fascination to me)but the idea that _I_ might be gay scares me. More because of what others will think, my family included...
And I, too have this image of a future with a loving husband and a whole bunch of kids - and that doesn't seem to go along with the whole gay-thing, does it?
I figure that at age 27 I really ought to have figured out my sexual orientation, but I am at a loss here - I really don't know, I am so confused.
I am not even sure what I am hoping to get from posting here, but I think just putting words to my thoughts may be a step in the right direction.
~ ~ ~ ~

"We read to know we're not alone."

- C.S. Lewis -

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Posts: 102
From: SoCal
Registered: Dec 2001

posted 02-12-2002 09:12 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for TenohSetsuna     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Bearcub, that all struck a note with me...

>>it scares me - again, not because I have anything against gay people (in fact it's always been a source of fascination to me)but the idea that _I_ might be gay scares me. More because of what others will think, my family included...

O.o Those were my exact thoughts, like, a year ago. Except for me there was somewhere some sort of restrained, for lack of a better word, kinship whenever I read something in the paper about gay rights or an article along those lines. Like a little guy inside my head saying "yo, Haruka, you're not an outsider looking in, you're an insider trapped on the outside, and you won't admit it." That's the best way I can put it.

>>I am not even sure what I am hoping to get from posting here, but I think just putting words to my thoughts may be a step in the right direction.

Writing is my therapy. Honest. Once I was in a depressed rage and so I wrote a play in the matter of two or three weeks. I thought it was kind of good, too. Anyway, yeah, writing stuff, forcing yourself to put it into words, can be really good, becaue then it can begin to make sense. Takes a while, though. Good luck, and though I'm in danger of sounding corny, we're here for you.

I don't want eternity. But Arashii is mine.

"I never said I was a boy." - Tenoh Haruka, episode 92, Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon

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Posts: 235
From: Louisville KY (St. Matthews)
Registered: Sep 2001

posted 02-17-2002 03:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sapphirecat     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I thought I was 100% hetero until I was 19.

I asked my girlfriend one day why girls want to eat handsome guys so much. She told me it was more like they'd want to drool on him, and pointed me to a drawing she'd found particularly drool-worthy. I then experienced the answer to my question first-hand.

I never questioned my attraction to girls; that obviously exists. A month and a half later, I knew that I'm not attracted to guys enough to consider myself bi, but I'm not as straight as I thought I was.

Sapphire Cat
The world needs me, to know not everyone is the same.
Artist, poet, programmer, dreamer, and crossdressing bondage kitty

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Posts: 4
Registered: Apr 2002

posted 04-07-2002 05:23 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for icatchfire     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
about 2 weeks ago. I'm a new member of "the club" I'm not out to my friends yet, but My girlfriend knows. (I'm a Bi male)

Maybe I'll catch fire -
Something warm to hold me

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Posts: 5
From: Skokie, Illinois, USA
Registered: Feb 2002

posted 04-07-2002 02:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for zarathustrav     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
This is probably the first time I really looked back at when I "came out to myself". I laugh about it now, really. My attraction to men was fairly obvious, and I did everything in my power to stop it. I remember being a lot like bearcub "my possibly being gay... and it scares me - again, not because I have anything against gay people (in fact it's always been a source of fascination to me)but the idea that _I_ might be gay scares me" Is exactly right.
I recall one specific incident where I was looking at a picture of Jimi Hendrix on the cover of Electric Lady Land and had to turn it over because I was finding it <i>very</i> attractive. Ridiculous. The thing was that I had such a low self-image that if I was anything, it had to be bad. It's not that because I was bisexual I was bad, but because bisexuality was a part of me it was bad. I'm over that now, and have a bunch of accpeting, loving friends. Yeah!

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Posts: 1
From: Wichita, KS, USA
Registered: Apr 2002

posted 04-11-2002 10:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Duckykay2     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote

I am fairly new to this board but have been looking for somewhere that I could talk all night. Just recently I have been exploring the thought that I am a lesbian. Last night I discovered I am about ready to take that step to admitting it to myself. However, a part of me is still not quite ready to believe it. I am feeling very confused and conflicted and needed to talk about it with others who understand or have been where I am.

I think that I have always known that I was gay. When I was younger I was very much a tomboy. I didn't have many friends at all in fact save..for maybe one. As I grew up I had only a few close friends and they were all girls. When I got into highschool I started dating guys because that was the normal thing to do. However, all the relationships were ended ... most by myself. I didn't find men to be interesting at all. I didn't feel comfortable with them. I still don't not even as friends. I ended up pushing the guy away in most cases. However, when it comes to women I feel more secure, their personalities are more lively to me, and I just feel that I can relate to them more. I think that perhaps I have had feelings for women in the past, however, I have blown them off because I wasn't ready to admit it to myself. Now I am wondering who it is safe to tell. How my friends will react. What do I do next? My school unfortunately doesn't have any support groups for Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual people. I am just looking for a group of people that I can talk to and relate to. If anyone knows of a place could they please point me in that direction. I have looked around here and it is great I hope that I can also find a group here. Thank you for your time and understanding. I feel like I'm entering a whole other realm of myself and I'm excited and yet very scared and nervous about what is going to happen.


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