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Author Topic:   help with coming out!!!
Beka
Neophyte

Posts: 5
From: Palm Springs, CA, U.S.A.
Registered: Jan 2002

posted 01-02-2002 03:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Beka     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
hi i have a wee bit of a problem. i am bisexual, and i have known abbout bieng bisexual since i was 7 or 8 years old, i am now 2 months away from my 15th. most of my friends know about my sexuality and are fine and supportive of it but my family does not know yet. i live with a mother who has had a best friend of 20 years then completely dumped her when she came out, even though she never hit on her. my best friend is gay and my brother is disappointed that we are even friends and my father doesn't even let me keep in contact with him, then when he calls he asks him if he is the queer and asks him questions about what its like. but i must tell my family non the less. through all the anti-gay jokes and the hate that lies in my family and their (no offense christains) bogus belifs i feel that the closet is a little too small for my big hips. and i must tell them if anyone would give me some advise, ideas or even try to talk me out of it i would be very thankful.

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Normality is a curse for the weak!!!!

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Confused boy
Activist

Posts: 711
From: England
Registered: Nov 2000

posted 01-02-2002 07:18 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Confused boy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well in that situation you might want to consider whether your going to come out at all to your parents, at least while you are still dependent on them. You can be bi with your friends. Is there a practicle reason for telling your parents now? I havent told my parents and I dont intend to for now, even though they would not be all that bothered.

On the other hand, if you sure you want to come out, this might be the event to force them to change their views. You would have to say that if they love you, they will not mind whatever you become. Since they are your family, they will probably be forced to accept you.

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'An Anarchist is a Liberal with a bomb' Trotsky

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kythryne
Advocate

Posts: 1685
From: New York City
Registered: Oct 2001

posted 01-02-2002 07:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for kythryne     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
As my therapist always asks when I say I'm contemplating telling someone something they won't want to hear: what's your motivation for telling them? I've always found it's definitely something I need to think about before making any major announcements. That way, I know both what I want to say and why I want to say it to that particular person, which makes the whole process a lot easier for me.

Also, if/when you come out to them, and it's something you're happy about, make sure you let them know that you're comfortable being bi and that it's not a big miserable thing in your life. A lot of parents think that being queer means being doomed to a life of misery and heartbreak and disease, and it's just not true.

I have to go offline for a bit just now, but I think I can find a few good resources for you. PFLAG, for one -- I'll look up their website and see what else I can find ASAP.

Kyth

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Kythryne
Scarleteen Advocate

"The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform." - Alfred Kinsey

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rainbow_brite
Neophyte

Posts: 4
From: Hamilton ON Canada
Registered: Dec 2001

posted 01-02-2002 10:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for rainbow_brite     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i think being honsest with your parents is an amazing thing that people are lucky to have. However, if you arent sure of their reaction, i have to agree with confusedboy. Why are you telling them specifically?
I have a friend currently living in a shelter cause her parents booted her out when she came out. I don't want to scare you at all, i had the opposite effect on my step parents,(my other parents dont know yet) and I dont want you to get stuck in a situation like that...cause it sucks...

be careful and good luck!!!

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Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds. - Bob marley

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Dude_who_writes
Advocate

Posts: 673
From: Michigan, US
Registered: Oct 2001

posted 01-03-2002 12:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dude_who_writes     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Kyth and Confused nailed it. At this time in your life, is coming out to your parents really a necessary thing? Step back and analyze your reasons for wanting to tell them. I know that it's awful living a "lie," making them believe that you're nothing but a straight arrow while your still under their roofs. Trust me, I go through it every day. Day in and day out, I just want to tell them when they scoff at some of the things that happen while we're watching "Will & Grace," or something of that nature, I just wanna look them straight in the eye and say, "You know what. Big queer right here. Deal with it."

But, I've bit my tounge and held it back because I know that while they are still supporting me, I don't want them to make any rash decisions on the spur of the moment, and do something that would totally ruin our relationship. When I'm out on my own, I think the story will be different. If they don't want to talk to me, at least I've still got support for myself (at least financial) and it would be a lot easier than trying to mend your relationship from a shelter.

I too share one of the stories where my best friend came out to his mother, and she went through what I would classify as a mid-life crisis. She suddenly started having numerous partners without protection (She later admited this to me. We were what you could somewhat consider "friends"), and told him that "Hey, if you can be a fag, then I can go out and ____ whoever I want." He was forced to move out, and now regrets the fact that he couldn't have held it in for another one or two years.

It's not the brightest path to look down, but sometimes, you just have to realize that the pros and cons of telling someone may not outweigh each other as much as you think they do. Just step back and decide carefully if it's something that you want to do. If it is, then a plan of action is in order. But, analyze your decision very carefully first, all right? It could save you a lot of heartache in the future if you decide to wait.

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Tim (a.k.a. the Dude).

"Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love" -- Woody Allen

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Lisa D
Activist

Posts: 442
From: Dublin, OH USA
Registered: Jul 2000

posted 01-03-2002 02:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lisa D     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You know, we have a fabulous article about coming out gracefully written by our own Miz Scarlet!

You can take a look at it right here:

Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out

[This message has been edited by Lisa D (edited 01-03-2002).]

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TenohSetsuna
Activist

Posts: 102
From: SoCal
Registered: Dec 2001

posted 01-03-2002 04:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for TenohSetsuna     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I guess I count as the devil's advocate here. I went nuts trying to live at home without my parents knowing I was queer, even though they aren't bigoted in the least and never told me to get a boyfriend or anything. And so I came out. I was really bad at it, but it worked. Getting to the point, I sympathize with you completely. However, I step down from my position as the devil's advocate to agree with all these other fine folks who have advised you to stay put. You've got a lot riding on this, i.e., a roof over your head, food, etc. Try remodeling the hypothetical closet.

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"I never said I was a boy." - Tenoh Haruka, episode 92, Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon

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