I've got this double life, which I classify like this:
[real name]'s straight, whereas Haruka(that's my nickname, and what folks at rowing call me) is a lesbian with no rainbows. I was just wondering if anyone else has this situation.
---Haruka

Ah well.

That's what's comfortable for me, though. Some people just aren't comfortable being out at all, and others aren't comfortable unless they're out in the most obvious of ways. And it's taken time for me to get where I am -- time to become comfortable with the idea of being queer, time to get away from homophobic people and find people who are comfortable with me, time to learn to keep my head up and just keep walking when a scary-looking guy in a pickup truck hisses "freak!" at me and my partner when we're walking into the grocery store. (Yes, folks, I live in the deep south.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it can get better -- it just takes time and courage, but it's entirely possible to integrate both worlds if that's what you want.

Kyth

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Kythryne
Scarleteen Advocate

I'm registered with the Boy Scouts. As far as they (and anyone in my hometown except my mom) know, I'm straight as an arrow(tm) and otherwise normal.

Here at UB, I'm starting to get involved with the LGBTA. If word about that gets around, maybe I'd get kicked out (of the boy scouts) because nobody would bother to ask if I was actually gay.

Whatever happens, crossdressing is a deeper part of me than the boy scouts, so if they turn out to be mutually exclusive, I know which one will go.

Naturally, the information is diffusing throughout the more liberally minded part of the school with some interesting variations on the truth! It seems to be be going quite well and I dont feel a need to force the point in any way. My parents would probably be ok with knowing about this but I dont feel a desire to tell them, especially since I am not even certain what I am yet!

Anyway, like I was trying to say, I see my double life -- hell, I'll call it a triple life and I'll explain why in just a moment --- as sort of a defense mechanism. Basically, there are three levels to me -- and truth-be-told, I hate it, but it's just the way that it is --

1. You're an Outsider or an not-so-trusted friend. You know nothing but what you speculate. This is where my parents fall.
2. You're getting closer to the inner circle. You're trusted enoguh that I feel that if I let it slip, then I'm pretty sure you'd be ok with it.
3. You're on the inner circle. You're one of the people that I've actually told. You're very trust worthy. Secure admitance only .

I consider my best friends, and oddly enough, even though I don't truly, truly know you guys, the people here at Scarleteen to be on the inner circle. I hold nothing back with the people who have reached that level. These are the ones that I can talk with (seriously) about difficulties in masturbation and the guy or girl that I'm lusting after or... maybe even in love with .

That's my life in a nutshell, or my triple-life, I suppose (that sounds strange).

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Tim
ST Advocate

"Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks." --"Serendipity," Dogma

Meanwhile, everyone I live with here in university knows - and there isn't a person in my house who hasn't looked at a member of the same sex, I actually live with a f/f couple - and some people who ask me I will tell.. but if you don't ask, I generally don't tell. I had a girl make a pass at me (Sept. 11th - she had crappy timing) and when I was like "um, no thanks" she demanded to know if I liked girls. And I said I did (I just didn't want her checking to see if my pants had just tore a hole in the crotch in a public, family restaurant, thanks).

My parents don't know, although my mom has tried to surprise me into admitting I'm gay. Surprise doesn't work on me. (I hate surprises.) My mother is so pushy about it - she's been making jokes about me being a lesbian since before I like anyone of either gender, and the jokes are inevitably along the lines of "if you ever want to give your father a heart attack...". Not exactly encouraging.

It's no fun, and it feels like I'm deceiving people I care for. For example, when I told a friend who doesn't know I'm bi, about the girl who made a pass at me (and proceeded to stalk me, but that's a different issue), she was like: "but you told her you weren't interested in other girls, RIGHT?" I wasn't actually expecting it from her, since she seems pretty open-minded. And then again, her best friend, who is very devoutly religious, agreed with me when I was trying to test the water with the comment that if I met my soulmate and we were the same sex, I wouldn't pass up the opportunity because of it.

It's hard to tell who to tell, you know?

Once you start coming out, it's hard to stop. I've gotten used to people knowing; I don't like having to watch what I say, who I look at, around certain people.

Of course, it could be worse. My best friend from high school has a girlfriend now, and her parents don't know she's bi. (Although her brother does, and I think he is too..) Her girlfrind spent a few days at her house this Christmas (unfortunately after I left, because I would have liked to see them as a couple, finally :> ). I can't imagine how hard that must have been. Even though neither of them are particularly prone to physical shows of affection, it was probably hard.

So, yes, we lead double lives. Some of us don't have different names for them. ;p But they're there all the same.

What really sucks is when someone you like lets you be all cuddly with them, and then remarks that the'd be worried if it was anyone else but you, but you're weird that way.
*frustrated wilt*

Steel Queen

quote:

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Originally posted by kouseiya:
(...I painted my nails black, which had more to do with my religion than sexuality.)

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Not to pull this thread off topic, but I'm just curious as to why painting your nails black has anything to do with your religion. I'll admit I don't know much about a lot of different religions, so I'm really wanting to know.

I'm sorry your life sucks so much. Honest. This girl joined my crew team today and the first thing she tells me is that everyone calls her a dyke, even her own mother, and it's just driving her nuts, and, and... and a lot of the people in this world are dirty little ****************s who should be strung up to dry. The world is so damn messed up. *wanders off rambling about how she's going to beat up the homophobes in kouseiya's town*

Oops. Sorry for getting off topic. I just get excited when I meet another BSSM fan.

Hehe! I bet you could take on the homophobes.
They're only a problem when they have 15 of their friends against 1 person. They're not exactly known for bravery (or intellect, for that matter).
Hopefully I'll move to a bigger town soon, so I won't have to put up with them. Who knows, maybe I'll even find a boyfriend.
Even if I don't move, in 2 years I'm off to college anyway, so I'll just tough it out untill then.

Homophobes are incredibly stupid. One today said that gays have no brains. I don't understand his logic, especially since said homophobe watches lesbian porn. Damn hypocrite. And then the whole class ganged up on me and told me the Bible condemmed homosexuality. I don't think they've even read it, from the way they were talking. And the little *************** in gym called me a she-male... I'm full of rancor today. I missed rowing because of it. I'm so incredibly angry at the little ***********s in my class. Grrr....

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"I never said I was a boy." - Tenoh Haruka, episode 92, Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon

There ya go. Next time they whip out a "Bible" quote, give them a lesson in what God ALSO says. That'll shut them up. Or make them admit they're the bigots we all know they are! If you want more verses, go to http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/

"Sorry if I offended anyone, but they offended me first."

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I don't want eternity. But Arashii is mine.

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I don't want eternity. But Arashii is mine.

I've never told my parents directly. I'm pretty sure they've figured it out though. I know that they're perfectly comfortable with it. If I ever told them, I doubt they'd even bat an eye. I'm pretty much myself around them, I just don't go out of the way to mention that hot girl in my French class.

I haven't told any of my other relatives. A lot of them are pretty conservative. I know they wouldn't disown me or anything, but they'd be pretty disapprooving. It'd be awkward, and I'd be looked down upon. They still pester me about why I don't have a boyfriend. I really don't want to tell my grandparents. They'd go in to cardiac arrest. So to my other relatives, I'm a perfectly "normal" straight girl.

My fantasies right now are the main way, other than talking on line, that I lead a deul life. Maybe someday that will change. We'll see.

I hate those stupid "well, you dress like that, so..." stereotypes. Today the morons in my class were saying "I row, I'll race you" even though they've never even seen a shell. I told them that if they rowed they'd know what LBRA stood for(Long Beach Rowing Association, the SoCal Cup is held there, so it's famous in California, some part of the Olympics was held there one year, I think). This guy comes up to me and says LBRA stands for the Lesbian Bitches Rowing Association. Um... how about no? Gym is so evil, that's where I take all this crap about being a "she-male," a guy, and a member of the Lesbian Bitches Rowing Association.

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I don't want eternity. But Arashii is mine.

quote:

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Originally posted by TenohSetsuna:
Repeat after me, ShaddowBoxer: I am not a loser because I don't have a girlfriend. I am not a loser. I will survive high school, even though it should be renamed hell school, because I have to prove that I'm going to go farther in life than the homophobes.

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I totally agree. Finding a boyfriend/girlfriend is hard enough, but it takes on a whole new dimension in difficulty when you're gay and attend 'Homophobic High'.
The only reason to feel like a loser is if someone you like expresses (repeatedly) an interest in you, but you push them away because you're afraid to be a 'fag'. This happened a couple years ago, but for some reason I keep thinking about it. I know we would have broken up anyway, but I still wonder what 'could' have been. I don't understand how I can agonize for days over something in the past, yet I can't pay attention to my math teacher for 15 minutes.

*Sigh* Today my friend (who I was planning on coming out to) made a comment that makes me think she's one of those 'pro lesbian, anti-gay' people. So now I've not only taken my hand off the closet doorknob, I've also nailed the door shut. Plus, people harrassed me about my religion AGAIN today, and then made a big show of 'trying to find out' if I'm gay, which tempted me to come out right then and there, just to see what they'd do. Of course I'd already nailed my closet door shut, so I quickly dismissed the thought.

"Hey, that only applies to bisexuals!"

"AUGH! I'm screwed!"

But then I reviewed my steamy sixteen-year old fantasies and realised that I was probably safe, since I don't want to do with a man the things I want to do with a woman, exactly. *g*

As for going to hell because you're an atheist, I have a question: athiest means, not believing there's a god, iirc. So, if you don't believe in any gods, why would you believe in hell? *scratches head*

Steel Queen