Having a gay mom or dad doesn't necessarily have to call your life into question. Some gay people choose to have children when they are in gay/lesbian relationships. Some gay people have children in opposite-sex relationships, either because they choose to do it, or because -- and this is pretty common -- earlier in life, they may think that if they find an opposite-sex partner and settle down like we are taught we're supposed to do, their desires for same-sex partners will magically disappear and life will be easier for them.

It's not at all uncommon for someone who is confused or conflicted about their sexuality to try to make themselves fit in to the heterosexual (straight) mold: it is, in our culture, a whole lot easier to live that way. And a lot of those people also discover, after a while, that guess what?!? Their same-sex desires and attractions didn't magically disappear... they're still gay deep down inside. When this happens, often, the heterosexual relationship ends as both of the partners realize that it's obviously not an optimal solution for someone who is gay to be in a heterosexual relationship.

The tricky part is this: just like straight people aren't necessarily 100% straight (most straight people have some thoughts or fantasies about same-sex partners during their lives), gay people aren't necessarily 100% gay, either. Human sexuality isn't that simple. Neither are human hearts or humans' abilities to love other people. Being gay doesn't mean you can't love someone of the opposite sex. Being straight doesn't mean you can't love someone of the same sex. There really is no inherent contradiction between your dad being gay and your dad being your dad... or your dad having genuinely loved your mom. Heck, he may still feel a lot of love for her, even though he has decided to come out of the closet about his same-sex attractions and desires.

Complicated, isn't it? But it's really true.

As for your own sexual development -- everyone has their own timetable, and there is no finish line, no reward for finishing the scavenger hunt early, and no statute of limitations where you have to have had your first relationship by the time you're so many years old or you never get to. Some people have their first relationships at 13. Some people do it at 30. Or 40, or 21, or 17 and 3/4. It happens when it happens, and all you can do is be open to the possibility that it might.

Welcome to Scarleteen. I'll see if Miz Scarlet won't come over and say hi in this thread -- her parent story is pretty interesting and she usually has some good things to say.

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Hanne Blank
Co-Editor, Scarleteen

Ever hear of the book Heather Has Two Mommies? Well, I DO have two mommies! Yippee for me!

I didn't always, though. My mother and father weren't together long, and my mother dated other men for most of my life, and remarried and divorced again before I was out of high school.

Then, to my knowledge, she had a long respite to any dating at all and did a LOT of evaluating of her life and her feelings and her relationships.

A few years later, a woman moved in with her who she has now been living with for over five years. And she's the greatest, and she brings out the absolute best in my mother. As a kid, my mother and father didn't get along, so I wasn't that concerned when they split, nor hurt. My stepfather was an awful individual, so I was elated when I heard my mother divorced him. But now, I actually feel like I have a really cohesive family, and I'm very tied into my mothers partner, and I know I'd be upset if anything happened. Truth is, that's likely not only because her partner is one of the most fun, sparky and funny women I have ever met, but because my mother finally entered into a relationship that made her really happy.

The funny thing is that I've been bisexual for as long as I was sexual (before anyone in my family even recognized such a thing), so gender roles or people's orientations never mattered much to me at all (and for the record, my mother isn't all that comfortable with the term "gay," and prefers not to really deal with labels at all). And you realize, I think, over time, that relationships are relationships are relationships, and the differences between "gay" and "straight" ones are pretty small, if they exist at all, but the differences between good and bad ones, or fulfilling and unfullfilling ones are HUGE. And you can understand that no matter WHAT your orientation.

Your Dad can be there for you and relate to you as you enter into your own relationships regardless. And everything Hanne said is great food for thought.

You know, maybe it's because I grew up in a very unorthodox family to begin with, but I'm really proud of my mother, and though in my life there are certainly parts of her I was ashamed of (mainly serious problems she had, and bad relationships), this issue has been completely the opposite for me. She's walked a long, arduous road to find out what makes her happy, and it's been really rough, and I feel honored to have such a strong, brave parent. I let her know that a lot.

Why not ask your Dad about all of this? I'm sure he'd be more than happy to answer you, and you know, you stand to learn a lot, and understand a whole lot better.

Good luck!

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein

But considering that I had girlfriends years and years and years before she did, I really didn't feel much of anything, honestly, except being happy that my mother found someone to have a life with who makes her happy.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

I guess the only advice I can offer you is to stay calm about it. They are plenty of people who will accept you, no mattter who your dad is. As Hanne says, having a gay parent is not so uncommon. Also, remember that almost NOBODy lives ina a "normal" family... even if it's mommy and daddy and two kids and a dog, there can still be all sorts of hidden problems.

And no, a gay dad isn't quite the same as a gay or transgendered mom, but it's also not too far off. You might want to look around and see if there are any meetings of a group called PFLAG -- Parents and Families of Lesbians and Gays -- anywhere near where you live. It's a group for straight family members who have gay/lesbian/bisexual people in their family. You might be surprised at how much you have in common with a whole lot of other people.

You can also check them out at www.pflag.org online -- it's a pretty cool and useful website.

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Hanne Blank
Co-Editor, Scarleteen

(...says your helpful former resident of Spokane...)

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Hanne Blank
Co-Editor, Scarleteen

Start a Revolution -- Stop Hating Your Body!

lissa