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Author Topic:   Is 14 to young to decide your sexuality?
discriminatedsara
Neophyte

Posts: 5
From: Evansville, IN, USA
Registered: Jan 2001

posted 01-13-2001 11:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for discriminatedsara     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ok, I'm only 14 years old but before any ideas pop into your head let me mention the fact that I am considered way more mature than most kids my age because of all that I have been through (I've been raped, had an abortion, numerous suicide attempts, ect.). I'm already in a sophmore in High School because of my intelligence but I'm only 14 and I have this strong feel of attraction toward members of the same sex. This isn't some petty teenage 'self-discovery' crush, either. I get more aroused by thought of women than thoughts of men. But is 14 too young an age to be expiercing this?

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Treehuggin_Hippeeechick*~
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From: England
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posted 01-14-2001 04:18 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Treehuggin_Hippeeechick*~     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
it's fine to be attracted to ppl at 14, regardless of what sex they are. society deems 14 yr olds being attracted to the opposite sex, so it's also fine for you to be attracted to members of your own sex. but i don't think u ought to feel compelled to label your sexual feelings as bi, straight or gay - just accept your sexual feelings as a part of *you*

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~*smiles are kisses for the soul*~ ;)

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Lily
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posted 01-29-2001 07:25 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Lily     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I had these exact same feelings, and I won't patronise you. From 14 to 17 I was a lesbian. I won't say I thought I was, because I know I was. I had the feelings, and it wasn't a crush.

I'm 19 now and I'm straight. I know this equally as strongly as I knew I was a lesbian. I just changed. So maybe you will stay gay, or maybe you will change. It's impossible to see into the future so don't try and figure anything out just yet. Like the people you like, whatever sex they are .

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My Diary

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Miz Scarlet
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From: Minneapolis
Registered: May 2000

posted 01-29-2001 07:34 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
That's excellent advice, Lily. Brava.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein

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Rizzo
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From: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
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posted 01-31-2001 11:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Rizzo     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm in a similar situation to Lily. I'm now in a committed straight relationship, though I still wouldn't call myself straight.

So, my advice would be... 14 isn't too young to decide your current sexual identity, but DECIDE is such a big word. You don't have to decide what you're going to be for the rest of your life. Identity is fluid, so don't be scared if your feelings change.

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$uMMeR
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From: city of Anghelz
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posted 02-10-2001 08:37 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for $uMMeR     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I have many friends in the same predicament as you, and, every now and then, I do feel some attraction to people of the same sex - and, after asking my friends many questions about their feelings, and reading a lot, I have come to the conclusion that it happens quite a lot, and that it may go on for a few years, or may go on forever...

But do I think 14 is too young an age to DECIDE your sexuality.

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*Read my diary

*Read my page

*And...alwayz :)

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PoetgirlNY
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posted 02-17-2001 01:00 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for PoetgirlNY     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I don't think that there is any age that is too young per se. I knew that I was a lesbian at twelve. Yep, twelve. From the time I was twelve until I was fourteen and a half, I identified as a lesbian. Then completely out of nowhere I started being attracted to men as well as women. So after a few months of being quite annoyed at recanting my statement of sexual orientation, I decided that I didn't need to. I was in effect a lesbian for those years. Then things changed. Now for all intensive purposes I identify as bisexual(no one knows what the hell I'm talking about when I say pansexual). The point is, you don't need a label. If you want a label, go ahead and take one. If you take one and then want to change that label, feel free. All of this is regardless of age.

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Limes Are Sublime

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DrQuack5
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From: Minneapolis
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posted 02-17-2001 01:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for DrQuack5     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yeah, I agree with Poetgirl. If someone straight up asks me, I'll probably say "I'm gay, but ..." and continue to say something to the effect of "Yes, I identify myself as gay, but there may be some weird twist of fate and may end up with a guy. I don't like labels for that reason." So, in short, good choice.

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melancholy
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From: Thurso, Caithness, Scotland
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posted 01-03-2002 07:43 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for melancholy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm in a very similar position. I'm 14, and I've known I'm gay for the last 3 or 4 years (when I started to become sexually aware). Of course, I wasn't "sure" then, I'm not "sure" now, and the future holds surprises by its very nature, but my advice is to relax, and wait.

Things might become clearer for you, they might not. You are not merely a creature of sexuality and it will not be the most important part of you. You are a person, a person with emotions, aspirations and intelligence as well as sexuality. Consider how long it has taken (and will take) you to develop ambitions and opinions. Just like your feelings about your sexual orientation, these are fluid and may change.

If you feel that you are gay at fourteen, then you are gay at fourteen. If you are still unsure, relax, breathe, and give yourself some time.

As for coming out, you might decide to tell you friends/family that although you are gay, you may still love people of the opposite sex. Don't walk out of the closet and lock the door. :-)

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Be individual, be weird,
be proud, be tolerant.
Be yourself!
Visit My Site!

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Daydreamer24
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posted 01-04-2002 05:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Daydreamer24     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I really don't think any age is too young to be experiencing these feelings you're having. Lily said that you don't have to be a lesbian your whole life, and that is totally and completely 100% true. So if you're uncomfortable with the fact that you might be a lesbian, you may not be as time goes on. And Lily also said to like the people whether they're lesbians or not, and that is also very true

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"It's impossible to satisfy everyone, and I suggest we all stop trying." -Jennifer Aniston

greenjay blog

Don't Mess With Texas

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Buttercup
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From: Israel
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posted 01-04-2002 05:25 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Buttercup     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I have to agree with those who say that 14 is not too young to know your sexuality. Is there any need for you to label yourself right now? Maybe your sexuality will change with time, maybe it wouldn't. You can't really know. Did you consider that maybe because of the rape you're not that sexualy attracted to men? I'm not saying that rapes turn hetero women gay, but it can push you away from guys.

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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

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gillians_gal
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From: Canberra, ACT, Australia
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posted 01-05-2002 02:51 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for gillians_gal     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Whatever age you are, you're old enough to know what you like. As a baby you cried when you wanted something. As a child you probably knew you wanted a certain toy.

I doubt you would've wondered why you wanted food or the barbie doll in the leather pants.
I see being attracted to people in the same
way. You know what does it for you.

In my opinion, the important thing is to enjoy who you are.

Hugs & Scully & Reyes,
Winnie :0)

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Slayer_gurl
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From: The hellmouth(i.e. Ireland)
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posted 01-06-2002 01:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Slayer_gurl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I suspected I was gay at 11, was very very suspicious by 12 and I knew by 13. I don't think 14 is too young too know, for the very simple reason that I knew before that. However, I think there is too much pressure on people to label themselves and there shouldn't be. Nothing is written in stone, and what beliefs and your sexuality can change over time. And even older people who beliee they are gay change sometimes. Don't feel the need to label yourself.

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CursedBurger
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From: Canton, Michigan, USA
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posted 01-12-2002 12:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for CursedBurger     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Yeah, I think you can know what you are at 14, but you can't know what you WILL be. Your sexual orientation is all about what you enjoy, and if your tastes change, your orientation can also. Don't restrict yourself, but at the same time don't look so hard that you forget where you are. (I don't know if I should be giving advice to anyone; I'm 13 and a (gay) boy.)

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ookuotoe
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From: Na-tah-ka, MI, US
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posted 01-12-2002 05:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ookuotoe     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Actually I thought that was very good advice, CursedBurger. Welcome to the boards!

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Confused boy
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From: England
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posted 01-13-2002 06:40 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Confused boy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I would agree, you do not need age or experience to know these thing. All you need is good sense and thoughfulness.

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mikahlia
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From: Houston, TX, usa
Registered: Mar 2002

posted 03-26-2002 10:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mikahlia     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I just came out today as bisexual.
There is of course a story behind it, there always is. This year (my freshman year) i have been kinda feeling strange things and weird feelings about people of each sex. and then last friday i went to my bisexual friends b-day party and she was kinda makin out with 2 different chicks and that kinda got me thinking more. So then today my friend who was there with me said "i need to tell you something, I'm bi" and without hesitation i said i was too. it was exhilarating doing that, especially to my friend who just did that to me. I had been afraid to come out because i didnt want to be the obly one, but she said that a few of the other girls from the party decided that they were bi too. It was kinda funny that it all happened after the party, im sure kae feels happy for herself, lol. But now i have so many questions. like, first of all, ive never kissed anybody in my whole entire life, how do i kiss a girl?? and how do i tell people? i want to tell everyone, but i dont wanna tell anyone, i dont want people to be makin fun of me or harassing me about it and shit. man, im really confused now. and i kinda regret sayin it, but i know that i feel for both sexes. Its kinda weird, hmmm... if u have any advice for me, please email me. Love ya much! *~*BETH*~*

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sangre_red
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From: canada
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posted 03-27-2002 12:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sangre_red     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
there's no such thing as too young or too old. our society pust too much focus on age. its ageism to assume that a 14 yr old has less knowlege of themselves than a 15, 21 or 56 year old.

many say that at 14 you know you are a heterosexual so why not???

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masturbation: (n.) sex with someone i love.

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Dude_who_writes
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From: Michigan, US
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posted 03-27-2002 01:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Dude_who_writes     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I totally agree with you, sangre (and, also, since I haven't noticed you around the boards yet, Welcome!) that it is a version of ageism that is perpetuated within Western Cultures. It's disturbing to think that everyone assumes that emotion and mental maturity automatically comes with age. It doesn't, I'm sorry to say. I know a great many 14 year-olds who are a hell of a lot more emotionally stable than a lot of 30 year-olds I know. It's also true vice-versa. It's just a little creepy to believe that this is true.

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Tim

"Conversation, like certain other portions of anatomy, works best when lubricated." -- the Marquis de Sade (Quills)

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Echolar
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From: Nebraska
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posted 03-27-2002 05:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Echolar     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I can't believe some of you missed a serious point here.

Being raped and trying to kill yourself doesn't make you "mature." It doesn't even make you espessialy intelligent.

In fact, I've noticed a very un-PC trend going on in the world I can bank isn't the popular view point around here: A lot of the time people who are abused and then go through a depression phase wind up lesbian. I've seen it happen a hundred times, and a lot of those times, if they stop and think about it, and see a professional to help with the other problems, it turns out they aren't. Either that, or 20 years down the road they suffer a breakdown and wind up really confused.

I'm not saying that this is always the cause, or even the cause most of the time. But it is a pattern. I recommend you get some help, take it easy, and decide once you've worked out your other traumas first.

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Bobolink
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From: Stirling, Ontario, Canada
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posted 03-27-2002 05:33 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Bobolink     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Echolar, what profession are you in where you have seen a hundred abused women "turn" lesbian? Numbers like that should not be pulled out of the air.

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We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

- Albert Einstein

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BlackRoseFaery
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From: Hixson, TN, US
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posted 03-28-2002 12:52 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlackRoseFaery     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
That's really not the truth, Echolar. And I agree with Bobolink, how do you know so many abused women? I only know one person myself, and they're straight, even though the were abused for years.

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Milke
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From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow
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posted 03-29-2002 02:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Milke     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You know, sometimes a woman's gay because she's gay, and abuse and family history and all that really have nothing to do with it. Another point to consider.

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ice_magick
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From: Baltimore,MD,21214
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posted 03-29-2002 03:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for ice_magick     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Dang, I'm 13 1/2 and I've already changed sexual identity!! From my earliest sexual awareness to age 11 I was bi, then all thru 7th grade I was in a straight relationship, now I consider myself lez. go fig!!

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JustSomeGuy
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posted 03-29-2002 10:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for JustSomeGuy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I don't think 14 is too young, because there is no specific age that everyone knows their sexual orientation. The age at which you know your orientation is dependent upon you, and you alone. I'm 16 and still confused. Some may know at age 11, some may not know until they're 20. Some may never know for sure. Don't worry about age, just accept who you are, at whatever age. Your orientation could change, so I guess nobody can ever really be sure. Whatever feelings you have, whether lesbian or straight, that's what is right for you, whatever age you are.

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MissMegan
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posted 03-22-2003 06:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for MissMegan     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It is perfectly fine to be aware of your orientation at 14, if I can be straight at fourteen you can know your orientation as well.

I never noticed a trend with rape victims becoming lesbians or becoming bi-sexual, when I read the part about being raped, it sounded to me as if she was trying to appear, for lack of a better term, older or more experienced. Her being 'mature', in my opinion, has little to do with her orientation anyway.

I know my orientation, and I know I'm not the most mature person on the board, and I wasn't raped or have tried to commit suicide either. 14 is not to young, it just depends on your taste.

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Funnybunny04
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From: Longview, Texas, United States
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posted 03-26-2003 02:34 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Funnybunny04     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'd be quite pleased if I knew my sexuality at 14. I was just starting to question it then.It's really frustrating, on top of all the things you've been through. I know people who have been through 1 of those things...but not all 3. You are brave!!

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loveisgood
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From: Geneseo, NY USA
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posted 04-16-2003 09:43 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for loveisgood     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I am so happy you have the courage to ask. Rape, mollestation, and sometimes abortion are horrible actions which deprive people of freedom, respect, and health. I certainly hope your abortion was consensual and you were told of all other alternatives, like the emergency contraceptive pill. I was raped at seventeen and it took four years of degrading relationships and arduous therapy for me to be sexually healthy again. I realize that the rape did turn me off to men for awhile, and now I classify my sexuality as "undeclared", because at 21 years old I'm not sure. My Aunt is 56 and struggling with the question of her sexual orientation, so I'd agree with most here when they say the notion of sexuality has little to do with age. Good luck, don't rush sex to find out your orientation, ask your parents for a counselor if you feel you want one, and most importantly, love yourself.

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theaterstar346
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From: atlanta, ga usa!!!!!!
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posted 04-24-2003 09:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for theaterstar346     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by JustSomeGuy:
I don't think 14 is too young, because there is no specific age that everyone knows their sexual orientation. The age at which you know your orientation is dependent upon you, and you alone. I'm 16 and still confused. Some may know at age 11, some may not know until they're 20. Some may never know for sure. Don't worry about age, just accept who you are, at whatever age. Your orientation could change, so I guess nobody can ever really be sure. Whatever feelings you have, whether lesbian or straight, that's what is right for you, whatever age you are.

Your never to young to decide your sexuality my uncle new he was gay from age 5 and he stayed that way. my aunt who is a lezbien(i can not spell) i feel so bad for you getting raped that would be the worst thing in the world!!!!! the other day i was at the shopping center and theese guys came over to us whistiling and ect.... i was so freaked out i ran into the theater and hid i know its stupid but im just scared of it!! you have been through alot your very strong and brave!!

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~alex~

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summergoddess
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posted 05-11-2003 07:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for summergoddess     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You can decide your sexuality at 14. From all the previous posts, people know earlier or later than 14.

To be honest, my true sexuality as a bisexual has been within me since i was a child. Sexuality is born with you, it's not a choice. I didn't come to terms with being a bisexual till at the age of 17, and didn't come out to people till 18 and still do this day. I'm a bisexual. I am in a relationship with my long time boyfriend, Isaiah. We've been together for 2 yrs. He knows my sexuality. He lets me do stuff with girls. With my life and my heart, I am biologically and technically bisexual because i am sexually attracted to both girls and guys. Regardless of what sexuality you carry in this life, we all should be respected and seen as an individual and liked for who we are. Degrading us because of our sexuality is wrong. Ending a friendship or a relationship just because one finds out that one isn't straight fortells that that person isn't a true friend. People are in this world together to unite

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~Jules

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Suga hi
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posted 09-13-2003 04:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Suga hi     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm 13 and I think I like my best freind, who is , of course, also a girl. I was thinking I might just be mistaking my feelings towards her, but the longer it goes on the less likely that seems. I like guys too, so I guess I'm bisexual. It's kind of confusing to me.

[This message has been edited by Suga hi (edited 09-13-2003).]

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mellon
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From: maryland
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posted 10-02-2003 03:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mellon     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i definitely agree with the majority of conversation here.. 14 is not too young to know you want the same sex now but in a few years.. who knows? i fell in love for the first time when i was 13. with a girl. who was in college. whoo boy that just makes for a bad ending, doesn't it? =P

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now that i feel no pain
when i think of you
i could look back in time
but it wont change the view
it's a superficial life you lead that brings me down
i can tolerate you, now you're not around

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julian31_us
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posted 10-03-2003 05:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for julian31_us     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think that our sexual identity remains the same throughout our life. We may become confused about it but we cannot change it. I do not think that it is a choice. It definitely wasn't a choice on my part. The first time I had a crush on a person of my own gender, I was in Grade 1. At that point, I didn't even know what everyone says about things like that. I just did what came naturally to me. I was too young to consider anything else. I have been constantly attracted to girls since then. I do know that when I "come out" I would have to go through a lot of rejection, especially from my family. If I could change how I feel, I would have. But trust me, I can't and I have tried. So I finally accepted who I am as something that I cannot change about myself has to have been in me naturally.

I also think it is impossible to decide your sexual orientation solely on the basis of which sex arouses you, especially if you are female. A recent study has shown that women are aroused by both sexes. This was seen when women of all three orientations were made to watch gay, hetero and lesbian sex. All females were aroused equally while watching all three sex. Only 60% were more aroused when watching sex among their orientation. In the case of men it was more clear cut. Hetero men are most aroused by lesbian sex, then hetero sex and last by gay sex. Gay men are most aroused by gay sex with hetero and lesbian being far behind on the stimulation scale. Hence, your sexual orienatation is, I believe, something which comes naturally to you. Like most people have already stated, its best to "go with the flow". You may be confused for some time but would sooner or later figure out your sexual orientation.

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flamingfaceFlame
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From: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
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posted 12-01-2003 09:53 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for flamingfaceFlame     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Like so many others that have posted already, I knew I was bisexual before I was 14. I knew when I was thirteen, but I suspect that some part of me had known for months, perhaps years before that.

Most of my childhood crushes were male, but looking back now I can see the strong affection my female friends and I showed for each other. That's why I say I've been bisexual since childhood, because even though I 'loved' boys, I really LOVED girls. That probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but it does for me.

So, orientation knowledge has nothing to do with age. Some people are still figuring it out at 90. Some have it figured out from an early age. It's not something that you can put a definate age on.

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nerdalicious
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posted 03-12-2004 07:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for nerdalicious     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I think that it really all depends on someone's emotional maturity. If you're really mature for your age, then sure, I think you can definitely know what your sexuality is. I'm only 13, but I've known since last year, even the year before, that I was of "unorthodox sexuality." I'm bi, and I know that for sure. However some people aren't really mature enough to know that as well, which is when you might want to wait and simply see how things go, before trying to label yourself.

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mmmmmmmm nerdalicious

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KeLsEyYy
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posted 03-16-2004 11:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for KeLsEyYy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
It doesn't matter whether you're 14 or 44, maturity level decides whether you're "just curious" or for real. Don't listen to the people that say "You're only 14" or whatever. Listen to your heart. If it makes you truly happy to be girl and boys or just girls or whatever then let it be! Only you can choose who YOU are! I hope I helped! Ciao! -Kels

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Snowshine
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posted 11-18-2004 08:14 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Snowshine     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
No I wouldn't say 14 was too young to know your sexuality. I'd had crushes on guys since a young age, then when I was about 13 or 14 I started being attracted to girls. At this time I'd just kinda stopped being attracted to guys, so I identified as a lesbian. I was open about liking girls, but then my dad gave me this big lecture saying I was too young to know, and that I need a man blah blah. So ignorant. Anyway, then when I was 16 I realised that I was attracted to guys and girls, so I identified as bisexual, and still do now at 17. I might not be what I first said I was, but I wasn't too young to know that I liked girls. Some people go through fazes but not all people, so it's really ignorant to think that anyone young is just 'going through a faze'. I don't like labels anyway. I know that labels like gay, bi and straight are there so people know what gender(s) you're attracted to but it's only part of who you are.

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Wecanbelovers22
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posted 11-23-2004 08:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Wecanbelovers22     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Like a lot of people have said,deciding your sexuality now is a bit too soon. Im 17 and it took me a while to determine that I actually am attracted to the same sex. I thought I was bi, then I started to be attracted to both, then back to being straight and now back to be being bi...well i'm not even sure about that. I don't like labels either and I think everyone has the right to be what they want to be. I think I took so long to realize what i liked because i was too afraid of what people were going to label me as.

So have fun while you still can!

[This message has been edited by Wecanbelovers22 (edited 11-23-2004).]

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mdew_69
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From: USA
Registered: Jul 2004

posted 12-05-2004 01:02 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for mdew_69     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i think society bases too much on age. it's not fair and doesn't make any sense to decide what age is ok to figure out your sexuality.. or anything for that matter. one fourteen year old girl might play barbies and think boys have cooties, whereas somewhere else, another fourteen year old is married and starting a family. in the end, the 'right age' to decide your sexuality is up to you. if it feels right to you, then it is right.

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punkgrl
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Registered: Dec 2004

posted 12-31-2004 08:37 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for punkgrl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
your not to young, i'm only 13, and i know i'm gay,and i have a gf, so to answer your question, no your not to young to be gay

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