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Originally posted by Not Just A Mom:
she is such a conscientious student, refuses to cave in to peer pressure as far as alcohol and drugs are concerned. She is in all honors or AP classes and college is VERY important to her.

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That sounds just like me - which is why my dad was a little ... surprised when he found out about the extent of my relationship with my bf.

(And for the record, I'm 18).

I hope I'm not stirring this up to much and saying controversial things, but here is my take on the situation:

Teenagers are young adults. They can also feel love in a very powerful way, and are wont to express it as many couples do - through intercourse. I believe it is up to the parent to ensure their child is well informed about the risks etc involved with sexual activities, but in the end it is the (fully informed) decision of the teen. Yes, the issues of respect do come in there too (whether or not it occurs in the house etc).

Regarding this, my bf's mother would prefer us to "do our thing" in her house, as she knows if we go anywhere else it is not likely to a safe or positive experience. But I can understand parents not wanting it to happen in their house.

So Not Just a Mom, I think (as Heather said) you are doing an excellent job, but I would not put you're daughter's relationship down to just infatuation. It is entirely possible that she is very much in love with this person and really does want to spend the rest of her life with him (yes, I admit I am a bit biased here, as an engaged 18 year old).

I'm 15 years old and i have an ok relationship with my mom. It's not as strong as i'd like it to be, but we're working on it. When i began my relationship with my current boyfriend (14 months ago) she made it clear to me that she didn't want me having sex. The way she talked about it with me it sounded like it was the worst thing i could ever do and that she would hate me forever (I was wrong but didn't discover that until later). Over time my boyfriend and I started doing sexual things (not intercourse though) but i never told her. The first time she caught us doing stuff she forbade me to ever have the door closed again and than immediately said she wished i would talk to her more. Basicially i said if you're going to forbid me from doing things with my bf every time i try and talk to you about them than i'm not going to be open about it. So we came to a conclusion that if I am open with her about my relationship with him and that i'm safe she'll let me do things.

Personally, i didn't see what i do with my bf as her decision. I made decisions by myself regardless of what she approved of. My body is mine and what I do with my bf is my decision. I respect her opinions and advice and i take it to heart. But what helped the most is she made herself open for me to talk to. I didn't have to worry about her forbiding me to do sexual things and i didn't have to worry about her kicking my boyfriend out of my life. My suggestion to you is make yourself open to her. She is 15 years old and needs to start making decisions herself. Talk to her about safety and make it easy for her to have protection but don't just put it infront of her.

Also, try and remember that guys do have brains and they don't only think about sex when they see girls. They do know how to control themselves. Talk to your daughter and make sure she's comfortable saying no if things go to far for her. He may ask her to have sex with him, he may not but either way she should know what she wants and what her limits are. And teens DO know how to control themselves in the heat of the moment.

One last thing, when your daughter does decide to have sex let her know she should be prepared, long before hand. I recently (2 months ago) told my parents that my boyfriend and i are going to be having sex. But we are waiting a year before we have sex because we want that time to prepare. Yes it sounds like a long time but i wanted time to talk to both my parents extensively about it, give myself time to get on BC and have it kick in. My boyfriend wanted time to talk to both his parents and learn what he could. We also wanted time to talk more about it between ourselves since communication is very important in our relationship. Next summer is the time we guessed we'll be ready. We'll both be 16 and we'll have been dating for 2 years. My parents have agreed to this and are fine with it. They believe i am being responsible and mature about the situation and are proud i decided to tell them. I hope when the time comes your daughter realizes how much you care and that you want to be there for her.

Also, i applaud your coming here and asking for advice. It's awesome to see adults here

Noth you, Kim, and you, Not Just a Mom, seem to give off the impression (or state clearly) that you are deeply concerend that sex will trauamatize your duaghters or ruin their lives in ways you felt it did you.

While I think any real concern is valid and important, I also think it's important that it be grounded. For the most part -- and I've been doing this work with this population for years now, as well as being very well-versed in broad studies on the subject -- there is no evidence to suggest that for most teens, sex ends up being a trauma in and of itself because of age. When it is, it is usally about other factors, like, in what I glean to be the case with both of you, environments of abuse, a total lack of any sex information or education, issues of shame or serious self-loathing, and the like.

And even when we look at scenarios like that, it's pretty clear that sex itself was NOT the prmiary issue or source of trauma. Studies on teen sex show overwhelmingly that sex is really only often traumatic when it has been forced or has been nonconsensual. So, while that doesn't mean you need have a care in the world, or that you're worrying for nothing, it is worth tempering the concern with, I think. Sex can be powerful, but I think, Kim, you may be giving it more power than it actually has, and in my experience, young adults are a lot more resilient and capable than many adults think they are.

If an environment of open disucssion, respect and trust is there, if the education and information is accuraate and easily accessible (and allowed) and the relationships are healthy ones (sounds in both of your daughter's cases like they likely are), I think the greater worry is the parent/child relationship. The truth of the matter is that a son or daughters feelings for their parents are stronger than they are for just about anyone else in the world, so that is where the real capacity for harm lies. That isn't to say either of you are causing harm or I think you are, but to tread gently, and keep issues in check.

I know full well parenting isn't easy, I've taught here and in classrooms forever. And there's a reason why, even in my mid-thirties, I still don't have kids, because I've no question about what a serious and all-emcompassing responsibility it is. But I know one of the things that can put roadblocks up is when parents mistake protection for control, or, on the inverse, license and liberty for free-for-all. It's a really hard balance, as both of you obviously know, and harder still to know if you're balancing it.

Unhelpful/ineffective/infuriating things my parents did in regards to my sex life as a teen when I was 15 to 16.5:
1. Making negative judgements about my sexuality (esp. calling me a slut)
2. Telling me I didn't know what I was doing
3. Forbidding me from sexual activity
4. Forbidding me from sexual activity with individuals that I cared deeply for
5. Threatening to call the police if I didn't stop having sex with someone who I cared deeply for (they could have because of AOC).
6. Reading my e-mail, listening in on my phone conversations, and searching my room to find "evidence" of my sexual activity.

Really wonderful and effective things they did a little later on, 16.5-18(present):
1. Stopped invading my privacy
2. Let me explain to them that I am responsible about safer sex and emotions, and believe me.
3. Asking me periodically in that cute-concerned-parent way, "You're still using protection, right?" without making it seem like an accusation.
4. Allowing people with whom I was in sexually active relationships sleep over in my room with the door closed, and allowing me to sleep over at their homes. This was on the condition that my parents met the person first and had no reasonable objections to them. This one was in fact one of the things that made my parents the raddest parents ever in a way, and a legend of coolness among my friends. They let my boyfriend AND girlfriend sleep over with me when I was in a three person relationship at 17. Cool freaking parents there!
5. Recently, I've been able to have these really great open conversations with my mom about sexual politics, ideas, health, and even answer questions for her. The great thing is that we can have these conversations as equals, without making anyone uncomfortable or crossing each other's boundaries.

It's still sorta unclear to me what made my parents change their ways. It was like one summer I went away, and when I came back they were awesome. None of the consensual sex I had when I was 15 and 16 was terrible or traumatic in any way, but once I got to stop sneaking around about it, I became much more responsible about my sexual health, and better able to make good decisions for myself because the whole, "Gotta do the opposite of what my parents want" teenager mindset was useless.

First let me say THANK YOU to everyone that has contributed to this thread. When I initially made my post I figured I would get two maybe three responses. To my surprise this thread has grown to over 40 posts and has helped me in more ways than I ever expected.

After reading the most recent responses the other night, I was really starting to 2nd guess my behavior towards my daughter regarding how much I trusted her and more importantly the snooping. So, last night, after my guests left... I had a wonderful talk with her. We laid together in her bed holding each other while we talked. I asked her... is there anything I do that you wish I didnt do or would do better? Surprisingly enough.. it wasnt the snooping that bothered her... but more that I worried too much and was more apt to think she was hiding something. I asked her if the snooping bothers her. She said, "No." She went on to say that I know you do it because you love me and that you worry about me. She also understood that there has to be limits.. she said I may not always like them.. but I know it is important to have them. Well, needless to say I laid there crying my eyes out. She held me and told me how much she loved me and how much she appreciates how hard I work to protect her while allowing her to enjoy her childhood. I hope she will remember all of that if she ever gets close to losing her virginity.

Well, thank you all again. And, I want to give a special thanks to all those teenagers that answered. I cant tell you how much it helps to hear from your perspective. I will be checking back frequently and will post here after the pelvic exam to let you all know how it went. I have a feeling this site will end up being my home away from home.

I am a 23 year woman and I started being sexually active around the age of 16 (I didn't have a boyfriend until then). I also have a younger sister who started having sex at about your daughter's age.

One thing that helped her a lot is that I was there to offer advice and help when she needed it. If my mom said something about safe sex, she often brushed it off as "propaganda". But she took my advice more seriously, considering I had been there before.

Is there an older girl in you daughter's life who's acting responsibly about her sexual life and could "mentor" her? It might be easier for her to talk to someone who's closer in age (and who's not her mother )

Well, today she had her doctors appointment for the pelvic exam. It went WAY worse than I expected. First I will start by saying that she was incredibly scared and it took me a good 5 minutes just to get her to take her pants off to get on the bed and the Nurse Practitioner wasnt even in the room. She was so upset and crying that she [the nurse] could not do the exam. But, prior to trying and also after trying, there was a wonderful conversation between all of us. I think my daughter benefited from the experience and even more so, the talk. She did allow the nurse to take a "look" at her but could not handle the insertion of her finger to feel the ovaries.. let alone any device for the actualy PAP Smear. The nurse said that her hymen was still intact and did notice some discharge.. which of course is normal.

It was such a terrible experience for her and I hated to do that to her... although I dont remember it being that wonderful for me either. The nurse told her that no one wants to have a pelvic exam, but it is an important aspect in a womens life. She said I dont like them and my doctor is gorgeous. (That got a chuckle out of her) She also told her something I found to be a very good point. She said that if you do not feel comfortable standing in front of your partner naked, then chances are you are not ready. The nurse said that we can try it again in 5 to 6 months, but I think I am going to give her a little longer than that.

A few days ago I had a LONG conversation with her boyfriend (which like I said before, I really do like him). He was very open and we discussed all of my concerns. He said that his mom had approached his twin sister regarding her concerns about his relationship with my daugther. His sister mentioned it to him so he talked to his mom. (He has a wonderful relationship with his mom and they are very close... very similar to my relationship with my daughter.) Anyway, his mom was concerned about the sex issues too and he said that he was not interested in that route at this time. He also told me that prior to meeting my daughter his parents made him and his siblings take an 11 week sex ed course at their church. He said they talked about everything and was even taught how to use a condom.

With that conversation and the several conversations I have had with my daughter since then, I feel much better about the whole situation. I do feel that they understand the importance of waiting... and not only that.. but I feel that my daughter understands where I am on the topic and that my only concern is that if she does want to make this choice, I only ask that she be protected.

So, I have to say that I appreciate everyones comments to this thread.. I cant tell you how much it has helped me. My discussions with all of you not only gave me the courage and the wisdom to talk to her boyfriend, but to discuss and act on the pelvic exam. Although the exam was not a complete success, I think the time spent was very valuable to both of us.

Thanks,

As far as the pelvic exam goes, I think trying again in a while is probably a great idea. If it makes you feel any better, my best friend had the same sort of experience during her first pelvic. She cried and clung to her mother. The difference was that she did not have the option of putting it off until later, since she was bleeding profusely about 3 and a half weeks out of the month! Actually, even after that, she still had extremely tramatic exams right up until this year...but that was an issue with her doctor not being the most caring/understanding in the world (she's got a new doc now and is amazed by the difference). But that certainly sounds like it's not the case with your daughter's practicioner. It sounds like you've found someone who's very caring/understanding. If you'd like, we've got several threads around here discussing various user experiences with pelvic exams, that might help bolster your daughter's courage a bit, just to read other young people's experiences with it. I know that helped me a huge amount when I went for my first pelvic...the way some of my friends talked about it, you'd have really thought they were gonna try to drive a Volvo up in there or something! So having some realistic responses of "hey, it's really not THAT bad" from people my own age really helped. You might direct her here, to those threads...or, if you'd prefer, consider printing them out.

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KittenGoddess
Scarleteen Advocate (and Labia Lady)

When my mother got her first one, it was a time when her doctor believed that if a woman was getting an exam, that she must have a sinister reason, or was promiscuous enough to need an STD check. He was very rough with her, and it scared her.

When I got mine, it was my mum who was apprehensive. I was passive. She was expecting me to be scared, and was afraid that my doctor would do the same.

Kim, first of all, good luck. This is one of the trickiest areas of parent-child interaction, because it's one that comes about when the child is growing up. There are many issues of independence and rebellion associated with this issue.

So here's my situation:
I am nineteen years old, and I was fifteen when I first had sex. I was absolutely ready for it. It was the right next step both for me, and for my relationship. We had been together for a year and a half, loved each other dearly, and were best friends. We're still together now, nearly five years later. Sex was defintely a conscious decision for me, one which I discussed at length with my partner. We planned it down to the day. We went shopping a week ahead of time for condoms.

My situation was probably different from your daughter's, because I was on the pill as a last-resort treatment for the cramps that were leaving me virtually incapacitated for a week out of the month. So my mother didn't have to worry about me getting pregnant. When she did find out that I was sexually active, she knew that I was using condoms. Effectively, I was taking as many precautions as could be taken. My mother knew that I was being responsible in my choices.

She didn't ask questions, though, and didn't tell me what to do. I think this was crucial. I'm a fairly private person, and I wasn't comfortable talking about my sex life with anyone other than my partner, and had my mother asked questions, I would have clammed up. (I'm amazed that your daughter is comfortable talking to you about her sexual experiences in such detail!) I think any questions she had asked would have given me the impression that she disapproved, and so my sexual experiences would have had to be furtive, and there would be shame associated with them.

And my perspective:
Personally, I believe that the best solution in these situations is damage control. You don't want her having sex because you believe she isn't ready, and you don't want her getting hurt. That's what parents do. I recognise that you're concerned that you'll send her mixed messages. Personally, I think that if she wanted to have sex, she could buy her own condoms. They're cheap and readily available these days.

But you're concerned that she won't think ahead that far, and will end up not thinking about it in a heat-of-the-moment situation. I think buying condoms might force her to think about her choices, and enable her to make a more conscious decision about her sexuality. Also, it's far easier to decide to use contraception in the heat of the moment if you know it's as close as your own handbag, than if you would have to take time out to visit a pharmacy. I think there's no way you can really prevent her having sex (if that's what she wants to do), but a daughter having sex is far better than a pregnant daughter.

Such as Kim being anyone's father, for instance. Ms. Huff is a mother.

According the the registration guidelines, Scarleteen retains the right to delete or edit posts for any reason, at any time. Not only might you want to reread this post, you may wish to reread those rules.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

Emotionally, they're a parent: look around the boards and see the users we have who feel neglected by their parents. While parental care and concern may not always be without flaws, not having it is a whole lot worse for pretty much everyone.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen