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Author Topic:   Is it wrong?
poohbear4785
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posted 05-10-2002 07:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for poohbear4785     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hey i am 14, i don't have a boyfriend, but i was wondering is it normal for a girl my age to want to become pregnant? I mean i really want a baby, but i understand the concequences. I understand about having to deal w/ my parents, the pain, the scaryness, the responsibility and things like that (the pressure), is there anything else i would need to know? I mean i don't think i am going to run out w/ my next boyfriend, have sex, and become pregnant and i know i won't do anoything just ot have one, but i want a baby, i can't really talk to my friends or any one about it (especially my parents), so what should i do? and is it normal for a girl my age to want a baby?

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DarlingBri
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posted 05-10-2002 08:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for DarlingBri     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hi hon

No, it's not wrong, and no, it's not abnormal. It's also not a good idea, in my opinion.

Yup, there are a couple of things you don't seem to have thought of. The ones that spring to mind are:

* Education. When are you going to finish yours? Any plans for college? It's all much harder with a baby!

* Finances. How are you going to pay for this baby, hon? You'll need clothes, diapers, toys, supplies - oh, and somewhere to live!

* A partner. Have you really thought about what it would be like to be a single mom? Because it's a rare guy who will carry 50% of the responsibility and live happily ever after with you when you're a teenaged mama.

* The law. Depending on where you live, a guy who gets you pregnant could be prosocuted for statutory rape, no matter what his age. See http://www.ageofconsent.com for more info.

And finally, here's a thread about the typical days of some moms and their babies. Maybe it's not what you think:
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum10/HTML/000274.html

Yes, babies are scrummy cute and yes, the baby craving can be huge, but probably if you really think about it, this isn't the best time in your life to take totaly responibility for the life of another person.

------------------
Hope this helps,
--Bri

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DarlingBri
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posted 05-10-2002 08:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for DarlingBri     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Oh, here's another good site for you:
http://www.girlmom.com

The mothers there are *super* nice and friendly, and almost all of them are young mothers. I'm sure they'd be very very willing to talk to you about what led them to get pregnant and when, what it was like, and what it's like now to raise a child.

------------------
Hope this helps,
--Bri

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Cate
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posted 05-10-2002 09:09 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cate     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Are you sure you want a baby? If you canít talk to anyone about it, especially your parents, what are you going to do when you are actually pregnant? Many girls and I do say girls, that are 14, 15, 16 that say they want babies, it is because they are insecure about themselves, and want someone to love. The love they did not receive. Are you sure you want a baby for the right reason? Stop and think before you have sex, why do I want a baby.
You say you understand consequences, and everything, but do you? You ask if thereís anything else you needed to know, and there is tons! What do you do when the baby cries? What do you feed it? What foods are bad for them? How do you test their bath water?

Darling Bri, brought up the most excellent questions for you to really really consider, before you can really say youíre ready for another life to be completely dependent on you. For everything! At all times of the day.

Poohbear, donít think Iím criticizing you for wanting a baby, or just trying to be mean, Iím just trying to make you understand anything, before you do have sex, and get pregnant.

Hope I didnít just repeat everything Bri said, and was helpful too.

~*Cate*~

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poohbear4785
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posted 05-10-2002 09:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for poohbear4785     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Ok thank you so much. knew about the education thing, really, a boy who gets you pregnant can be prosocuted for statutory rape? Even if it was your boyfriend? Thats weird. I didn't think much about the finances so thanks. But i don't think i am going to go ahead and have one because i would never be able to have enough courage or responsibility to take care of it or enough courage to tell anyone, i would probly pass out telling someone. So thanks for the info. I thought i was abnormal or something


quote:
Originally posted by DarlingBri:
Hi hon

No, it's not wrong, and no, it's not abnormal. It's also not a good idea, in my opinion.

Yup, there are a couple of things you don't seem to have thought of. The ones that spring to mind are:

* Education. When are you going to finish yours? Any plans for college? It's all much harder with a baby!

* Finances. How are you going to pay for this baby, hon? You'll need clothes, diapers, toys, supplies - oh, and somewhere to live!

* A partner. Have you really thought about what it would be like to be a single mom? Because it's a rare guy who will carry 50% of the responsibility and live happily ever after with you when you're a teenaged mama.

* The law. Depending on where you live, a guy who gets you pregnant could be prosocuted for statutory rape, no matter what his age. See http://www.ageofconsent.com for more info.

And finally, here's a thread about the typical days of some moms and their babies. Maybe it's not what you think:
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum10/HTML/000274.html

Yes, babies are scrummy cute and yes, the baby craving can be huge, but probably if you really think about it, this isn't the best time in your life to take totaly responibility for the life of another person.


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poohbear4785
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posted 05-10-2002 09:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for poohbear4785     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Hey thank you so much, i didn't think about that much eithre, so thank you a lot. i don't think i am going to become pregnent any time soon because i would be to scared, so thanks for the info!


quote:
Originally posted by Cate:
Are you sure you want a baby? If you canít talk to anyone about it, especially your parents, what are you going to do when you are actually pregnant? Many girls and I do say girls, that are 14, 15, 16 that say they want babies, it is because they are insecure about themselves, and want someone to love. The love they did not receive. Are you sure you want a baby for the right reason? Stop and think before you have sex, why do I want a baby.
You say you understand consequences, and everything, but do you? You ask if thereís anything else you needed to know, and there is tons! What do you do when the baby cries? What do you feed it? What foods are bad for them? How do you test their bath water?

Darling Bri, brought up the most excellent questions for you to really really consider, before you can really say youíre ready for another life to be completely dependent on you. For everything! At all times of the day.

Poohbear, donít think Iím criticizing you for wanting a baby, or just trying to be mean, Iím just trying to make you understand anything, before you do have sex, and get pregnant.

Hope I didnít just repeat everything Bri said, and was helpful too.

~*Cate*~


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logic_grrl
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posted 05-11-2002 09:57 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for logic_grrl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
You know, if you feel drawn to care for a child, how about finding out if you could babysit or help out with someone else's kids a bit?

That way, you'd help someone else, you'd get a glimpse of the sort of work parenthood actually involves, and you'd be building up useful skills and experience for later in life when you're in the right situation to consider having a baby of your own.

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PoetgirlNY
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posted 05-11-2002 10:43 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for PoetgirlNY     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
That's a really wonderful suggestion logic_grrl. I also have this desire to have a baby. I'm 17, moving out on my own in less than a month, don't have a real job yet, and am planning on going to college. As much as I want a baby now, I know that it's just not the right time. I don't know when it will be the right time, but it isn't now. I really do think I could handle the responsibility, but the main issues are education and money. I'm going to be struggling to put myself through college, I don't want to have to worry about supporting a child at the same time.

I went to www.girlmom.com, and it was not helpful for me at all. It's a wonderful site, and the message board it really cool, but reading what all these young moms were writing actually made me want a baby MORE! So for now, I'm just not letting myself look at that sight.

But for now babysitting is really helpful. I get to spend time around kids and babies, have a great time, get paid, and go home. Being a parent is like babysitting, but without getting paid, and without going home without the kids at the end of the day.

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Limes Are Sublime

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negative*nancy
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posted 05-11-2002 11:26 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for negative*nancy     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
Originally posted by logic_grrl:
You know, if you feel drawn to care for a child, how about finding out if you could babysit or help out with someone else's kids a bit?

That's a great idea, now how's about flying to Toronto to come help me out? I could use it... i have a small case of mama burnout going on here

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frozendreams
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From: dayton ohio usa
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posted 05-11-2002 11:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for frozendreams     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
ok, my typical day was in one of the first set of links (unhappykoger) but let me just say that i was 14 when i got pregnant and 15 when my son was born. i love my kids more than anything n this world, BUT i wish i would have waited. i am very emotionally unstable right now, me and my husband are seperated and we are still having problems and my kids miss him because h is not there for them every night when they go t bed. it is really hard havng a baby whn you are young, and i have two. i cant really talk about i right now because i am kind of depressed anyway, so i wil just say think about it for a long time and try to find a single mother that you can follow around for a few days non stop, that will probably make you realize that having ababy is not the right thing to do right now.

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BabyBrain7
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posted 05-19-2004 08:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for BabyBrain7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
a too want a baby really bad!!! I've figured out school, finances, where the baby will sleep, how i will buy the neccisary items.. i would love to talk to other girls who also want babies!!

-Elle

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LittleOneUSN
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From: Syracuse, N.Y. Reside in Okinawa, Japan - 19FEB05 - Virginia
Registered: Mar 2004

posted 05-20-2004 06:17 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for LittleOneUSN     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I wanna baby...Kind of, Just not right now, maybe in like two years. I'm a little older then you. By 6 years, I'm 20. Right now physically there is no way I can get pregnant one of the reason's why I am waiting. That and currently I'm am absinent, seeing that my boyfriend currently lives on the other side of the world. I won't see him till probably february, maybe christmas don't know yet, so that's like 7 months down the road. Plus I'm on Depo-provera to prevent pregnancy, my boyfriend and I already decided that I would stay on it, for now. You never know out here, thing's happen. I would never cheat on him but things are known to happen. We alway's said if I did get pregnant it was meant to happen. I also told him I would never marry him for the sake of the child. That kind of made him mad. I was kind of drunk when I said it, he told me to forget about the child, he's like if I asked you to marry me right now would you, of course I said yes. Then he brought up the fact if I were pregnant with his kid, how would that change, after everything we've been through. He's right. I do wan't a kid, but for me I wan't to be

1) Married First
2) I always said I would like to be married for a few years. Before Having one, but I don't know I've been changing my mind lately.
3) I don't wan't to be seperated from my spouse, like him in N.C. me in C.A.

Right now is not a good time for me to be having one, sure I could financially support a child right now, or in the near future. But its just not a good time.

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logic_grrl
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posted 05-20-2004 09:12 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for logic_grrl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
I've figured out school, finances, where the baby will sleep, how i will buy the neccisary items..

Well, that's not all there is to it .... Something else to consider very seriously is whether you're truly ready right now to take on total responsibility for the life and wellbeing of another human being. Which means putting their needs first. For the next 21 years. At least.

That's something many potential parents don't seem to consider, whatever their age.

You may want a baby, but remember that you're also signing on for a toddler having the "terrible twos", a kid trying to deal with school, a stroppy teenager and whatever they get into, a young adult trying to put a life together. You're signing on to be the person who deals with all their crises, with any special needs or disabilities they have, with all their problems, and you can't resign and you're never off the job. That's a big, big deal.

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la_fileuse
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posted 05-20-2004 10:02 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for la_fileuse     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Oh yeah. Definately hear you guys.

For the past three months I've spent a lot of time reading what my boyfriend calls "baby porn": online parenting 'zines and obstretical health sites. I have had at least six breastfeeding/pregnancy/child-rearing dreams in the past two months, too. After a month in which I just didn't feel "right" that finally ended with a negative test, both he and I admitted that a "mistake" right now, while a huge emotional, financial, and physical burden, wouldn't be a totally devastating event. Right now, he's 18 and I'm just shy of it, and while I'm not currently working he has a fairly good job, is looking at a promotion, and recieves government assistance and health benefits due to complications from spina bifida (which would also cover any dependents), and he's already paying his parents rent at his own house with plans to get an apartment in the fall.

Despite all of this, though, we both know it's in the best interest of all involved to wait until the conditions are absolutely the best before we bring another life into the world. Ideally for me, this will be around age 24 and we'll both be out of school, but at this point I don't think I'd abort if I got pregnant right now.

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BabyBrain7
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posted 05-20-2004 09:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for BabyBrain7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
i am/feel ready to take on anything with this baby, child, teen, adult!!

-Elle

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logic_grrl
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posted 05-21-2004 12:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for logic_grrl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
quote:
i am/feel ready to take on anything with this baby, child, teen, adult!!

Well, that might be a reason to take a step back and think some more right there .

I know a bunch of people who are actually parents, and none of them feel 100% confident of their ability to take on anything and everything.

Even the ones who seem to me to be doing the most amazing job with their kids say they worry regularly about whether they're doing the right thing and don't always feel able to cope perfectly. It seems to be part of the job.

Yes, you need to make sure you feel ready before deciding to have a kid. But if there's nothing that's even making you think twice or worry for a split second, then it might mean you should ask yourself how realistic your view of parenthood is.

This isn't intended to be a judgement, just some stuff it may be worth thinking about.

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Gumdrop Girl
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posted 05-21-2004 04:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Gumdrop Girl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
BabyBrain, instead of making that baby now, how about you get started on providing for it? Do you have a bank account yet? If not, then start one and start saving money. Think about all the things you want to give your child, check out prices and have that money saved up *before* you have the baby. Want to be able to afford cute things from BabyGap? Then it's a good idea to put the pennies away.

And school! If you want to be able to make enough money to support yourself and a baby, having your high school diploma at the very least will enable you to have financial stability because you'll have a lot more job opportunities.

Have you tried babysitting? Have you tried a LOT of it? After all, when the child is yours, it's very different because at the end of the day, you don't give that kid back to someone else. However, just the time you get to spend with another person's child can be fulfilling.

one more thing, what about your own life experiences? I know at 14 you might feel like you've been there and done that, but you haven't. It helps to get out into the world and live on your own just for a little bit. You get to know yourself better and find out just what you're capable of. Having a kid depend on you means your focus is no longer on yourself, but someone else. That kid is your priority. Wouldn't you like to have a little bit of time in your life when YOU get to be your priority?

Remember, a baby is a whole 'nuther human being and you are entirely responsible for it. Just having one because you want one now can be selfish, and unfair if that child has to suffer its life.

------------------
Q ... E ... D ... bee-yatch!
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BabyBrain7
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posted 05-21-2004 08:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for BabyBrain7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Well, that might be a reason to take a step back and think some more right there .

I know a bunch of people who are actually parents, and none of them feel 100% confident of their ability to take on anything and everything.

Even the ones who seem to me to be doing the most amazing job with their kids say they worry regularly about whether they're doing the right thing and don't always feel able to cope perfectly. It seems to be part of the job.

"Yes, you need to make sure you feel ready before deciding to have a kid. But if there's nothing that's even making you think twice or worry for a split second, then it might mean you should ask yourself how realistic your view of parenthood is.

This isn't intended to be a judgement, just some stuff it may be worth thinking about."


yeah i get you.. i know i will never be FULLY prepared.. but i feel that i will never feel any more prepared then i do now.


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Gumdrop Girl
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posted 05-21-2004 08:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Gumdrop Girl     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Can you discuss this with your parents? After all, right now, *you're* actually a dependent of theirs. Ask them what it's like to raise you. And if you feel you cannot safely bring up the topic with them, chances are, it's not the best idea to go try to have kids. After all, having their support (at any age) is a godsend. If you feel that having a baby now will drive a huge wedge between them and you, then please reconsider.

And seriously, get your funds together now. Start saving money. Kids are expensive as all get out.

------------------
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Love Scarleteen? By donating just $1, you can help keep us around.

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SunshineLK0517
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posted 05-25-2004 04:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for SunshineLK0517     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I really want to have a baby. I am 18 and i've wanted one since i was 16. The only problem is trying to get my boyfriend to go along with it. I'd love to talk to other teens who want babies too.

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BabyBrain7
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posted 05-26-2004 08:43 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for BabyBrain7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
well im glad im not alone .. =).. i think im taking a test mid-next week and then one the week after.. =)

-Elle

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Miz Scarlet
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posted 05-26-2004 08:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
If you have to -- at all -- try and convince a partner to become a parent, you need to let it go and accept that they don't want to then, in a given situation, with you, what have you.

Trying to finagle someone into parenting or conception who isn't interested in it at any time, for any reason, is really not okay, ethically for either or you, or for a child not even concieved.

(And in the case of a male partner, consider, if you will what the attitude might be if the shoe were on the other foot and a male partner was trying to push a female one into parenting.)

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

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SunshineLK0517
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posted 05-27-2004 07:18 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for SunshineLK0517     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I'm not trying to force my b/f to have a baby. I respect his wishes. Anyways he says he wants one but he wants to wait like a year.

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Insane
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From: Ottawa, Ont, Canada
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posted 05-28-2004 07:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Insane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I realize you guys may all feel like you could take on the world, and deal with toddlers/teenagers and such, but let me tell you a bit about what I am going through.

I have a nearly 3 year old boy. I go to school during the school year, so he is in daycare from almost litteraly sun up to sun down. Now during the summer, I am working, so he is still in daycare. Great, you think, she's got it covered, wrong-o! As I type this message I am panicking cause I have no friggin' idea where I am gonna get the money to pay to fix the transmission in my car (no car, no school next year, can't get to daycare and school on time without it), and I am also in a cold sweat thinking about how the heck I am gonna buy groceries. I see a food bank in my future. Let alone my maxed out credit card, and the ever ending pile of bills (hydro, heat, cable (which is now being cancelled cause I am too broke), phone, student loans, credit card, insurance, ect...) There is rarely an hour that goes by that I don't panic over this stuff, and I have a JOB! And this is before anything gets done such as dishes, laundry, any meals.

During the school year, i have to deal with a cranky kid. I can remember many a night studying for exams while trying to convince my 2 year old that there were no monsters on his pillow and that dinosaurs weren't real. Not to mention the 3 am trips to his room to tell him once again, dinosaurs aren't real, he was just having a bad dream, dreams aren't real. And that doesn't even touch the surface of comfort.

You may think you can take it all on, I sure as heck did. I thought I am a strong women, I can deal with this pregnancy/baby/toddler/preschooler, ect... I cannot even describe in words how on prepared I was for the emtional and financial toll my son would take. I find myself giving 'mommy a time out' some days cause I am on the brink of loosing it.

That being said, I don't, not for a nanosecond regret my son. But at 14 and 16 you have so much to live first. Go out and enjoy life, experience it first. It will give you a different perspective when it is time to parent. You have your whole life to be a mom, but you don't have your whole life to be a teenager.

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I want a tail mommy.

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BabyBrain7
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posted 05-30-2004 06:44 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for BabyBrain7     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
I dont think I have to prove myself to anyone anymore, if I feel confident in myself to do something.. then nobody needs to believe me but me. Also, I'm prepairing a "baby budget" and also reading up on pregnancy and parenting. so i'd like to hear you guys wish me luck but if you dont want to support me then thats fine.

-Elle

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Miz Scarlet
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posted 05-30-2004 11:56 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Miz Scarlet     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
No, you really don't.

But I think some of the reticence you're seeing is because it's hard to be very supportive when someone appears so dismissive of very valid concerns and planning (like going to the GYN for a workup before you even think about pregnancy, like seeming to blow off actual young parents giving you some feedback and their experiences, like thinking anyone could possibly be more prepared at 17 than they might be even a few years later with a job, with a home of some sort, with financial autonomy, with healthcare in advance, with SOME reticence or thought of waiting, longer-term plans under their belt, the works), and dismissive of the fact that actually, there IS someone else who you have to prove it to, and that's your kid, should you have one.

Parenting really is about THEM more than it is about anyone else, certainly more than it is about you, especially when you aren't dealing with an accidental pregnancy, but an intentional one.

So, I'm of the mind that if someone is dead set on having a child, no matter the situation, that yes, we should give them as much information and support as possible, which is why I have suggested things to you like getting started with an OB/GYN in terms of planning and making sure everything is kosher. But what support is isn't just "Go team!" Real support isn't just saying yes or okay because that's what you want, it's doing what you can, especially when a situation isn't actual yet, and a person can still make choices, to pass on information so they can make those choices, and make them best for ALL concerned.

I am fully supportive of teen parents. But I also know that regardless of biology in healthy young women, regardless of the ability to care, we live in a culture in which teen parents have more challenges and a tougher time of it than nearly any other group, because of the way our culture is structured, because of a lack of financial and legal autonomy, because of a whole lot of things, many of which you can't control or even forsee. A friend of mine who teaches, for instance, once had a student with incredibly cool parents. She became pregnanct accidentally, but her parents were very supportive, and she chose to have the child with theirh help. A year later, they decided they wanted the child for themselves and due to her age and legal issues, she lost custody of her own child to her own parents. That's a horror story, but things like that can and do happen, as can a million other things that often make waiting, when you can, a truly better choice. So, seeming unwilling to even consider that -- especially with thought for what a child might expereince -- is pretty darn questionable, and yeah, we're going to ask you to question that pretty profoundly. That's out of care for you, that's out of care for a child.

You want a different kind of support than that, then yes, you aren't likely to find it here. You want that kind? You got it, no problem.

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Insane
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Registered: Mar 2002

posted 05-30-2004 08:43 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Insane     Edit/Delete Message   Reply w/Quote
Babybrain7, it is not about being confident in oneself, it's about making educated, well-informed decisions. Heck, no mother out there can honestly say that they don't doubt themselves once in awhile. I sure as heck do. Like today. In the split second it took me to go to the kitchen to fetch juice before we left, my son was out the door and down the path. Next thing I know, I am in a panic wondering where he is, and my neighbour walks up with him. She, very luckly, happened to be walking her dog, and caught him, a few doors down. He didn't get far, but man did I ever panic and was it ever scary for me. After I sent him to his room for a 5 minute time-out, I thought, what am I doing wrong? (Aside from not keeping the screen door locked with a deadbolt!) I doubt my parenting abilities even 3 years later, and that is because children push you to the max: Maxium sleep-deprevation, maxiumum emotional exhaustions and maximum self-doubt.

Teenagers often feel that they can take on the world, that they are invincible. Well, my little mischievious, too smart for his own good kid makes me the most susceptible of all.

Parenting is hard work. There are no words I could use that could come even close to describing it. It's hard, and draining, let alone being a young single parent. Then it brings up a whole slew of questions you need to ask yourself about the baby's father. Are you sure your partner is going to stick around for the next 18 years? Do you want to spend the next 18 years with this person? Can you DEPEND on him for emtional, physical and financial support? Does he want to become a father? That's a lot for a teenager.

I'll be the first one in line to tell you parenting is rough. I, from women to women, wish that I had waited. A little piece of me dies everytime a friend of mine tells me about their backpacking trip across Europe, or how they are taking a cruise, or picking up to go to school across the country or world. I am jealous, I will admit it. I can't do those things, I get to miss out on a lot of things that my peers are doing, including the oh-so basic, although not so legal, getting drunk. Yup, gone are the parties, and the staying up until midnight gossiping and eating popcorn. Gone are a lot of the friends, or people I thought were friends before.

I'll also admit that I am slightly biased. I am suffering from mommy burnout, and terror threes (he's starting early). I am at my wits end, but I guess that goes part in parcel with being a mom too.

My comments are not meant to insult you or demean your very normal and real desire to have a baby. They are mearly meant to show you that you have so much time to have a child, but not as much to have a childhood.

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I want a tail mommy.

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