my fiance and i recently had a "r we preggers" week and when we found out we werent we realized how dissapointed we both were. we werent trying to concieve, but now i realize just how much i am ready. the thing about parenthood, is that there is never a "right" time. so im thinking that if we r both dissapointed, which i know we r, how do i bring up the question of when? i dont want to be an insensative jackass, so i can just out and say, "hun, when do u want to have kids?" how do u suggest i find out about this? break the ice for the situation kind of thing?

And it sounds like this isn't coming out of nowhere so I truly doubt your partner will be shocked by the question.

It doesn't sound like you're trying to pressure anyone into anything but to simply find out what your partner is thinking and that is a beautiful thing. It's great that you're communicating like this. I hope all goes well.

they're both 22, married. no college degree.

anyway, i tried to throw out reasons to hold off on the babies. one girl was just eager as all get-out to be a mommy. she dropped out of college to get married. they weren't financially stable yet, but she just had her kid in december. they're in the process of moving. to that i would have hoped she would have been a little more settled in before having the baby. her hubby's in the marines, and they're going to be moving a lot especially in the next few years.
other friend is trying to conceive, and while i'm happy for her (and the other girl, too. i'm glad they're happy), she and her husband make a very modest income, and it's going to be tough for them with a new house and a baby.

then again, what can you say to stuff like that. i mean, parenthood is a very difficult thing. it's a strain on your pursestrings definitely. i just wished they would have finished school first. actually, i wished they'd have had a chance to live a little. then again, my lifestyle isn't for everyone (i'm a college student who loves the nightlife), so who am i to say someone should settle down.

so consider your financial situation, goals, your education, careers and personal freedom strongly before taking that big step. talk openly about it with your boyfriend. say something like, "well, if we had children, how would it be?" then both of you talk about jobs, school, money and all of that. if oyu can't say something skeptical and optimistic, chances are, you're holding back on something because no one goes into parenthood without some reservations.

I am 22, trying to finish up university and raising my 8 month old son. I lve with the baby's father, and we talk about getting married, but sometimes I wonder if I could spend the rest of my life with him.

Raising my son is hard. Taking care of an 1 month old, then a 2 month old, ect.. is super hard. I never realized how much they cried. Many hours are spent screaming, sometime for no apparent reason. Not to mention the 3-4 times a night he used to wake up. Or how, he wakes up at 7am now. I don't get much sleep between him and school work, let alone if I had a job. Babies are super time consuming. Just think about it for a second. How many times do you just get up and decide to go shopping or go out with friends, or go for a walk. Now think about doing that with a baby. It takes us 1/2hour to get out of the house everyday (from the time I attempt to get the snowsuit on to the time we reach the bus stop), and then you have to either carry him around, or fight with a stroller on buses and up stairs. Trust me, it is no walk in the park.

Then there is the financial aspect. Take a walk down the baby ailes at yoru local store. Figure 4-6 packages of diapers/month (at 15.99 per pack), 3 packages of wipes/ month ($6.97 each), I huge can of formula/ month (if you breastfeed, figure a heck of a lot more if you don't, at $19.47/can I breastfeed, but you can't always be there to feed your child) plus powder, bubble bath, diaper cream, bottles (we use reusable ones, but they still need to be washed and sterilized everyday), bottle brushes, bottle rack, nipples (different sizes for different ages), bowls, spoons, baby food (at 8 months, my son goes through 3.5 jars/day, at 60 cents a jar), baby juice, bibs, and then there is the clothes. I have already filled 2 totes with clothes he has outgrown. I am constantly having to buy new clothes for him cause he out grows them. I spent easily $50/month, sometimes a lot more during really big growth spurts. Then there is the high chair, car seat (for when you go out with someone who has a car), strollers, snugglies, carriers, baby toys (figure at least 15-20 toys, some of which are only a few bucks, and others are over $30), teething rings, ect... The list goes on. Then you need a place big enough to hold all your stuff, and the tonnes of stuff for your child.We survive only because we have student loans, and because our parents help us out a lot.

I wish I could have waited until I had my son. There are lots of things that I miss out on. I can't jsut pack up and go out of town for a weekend, or do some missionary work in the south, or take a trip, or anything.

Although, parenthood is full of wonderful moments, and I love my son with all my heart and soul. You can experience all the joys, smiles, frustrations and tears later on in life, when you have had a chance to do all you want to do, and when you have financial stability and security. Parenthood can wait, it will still be there in a few years. And you will enjoy it so much more.

on the social aspect, i dont think it would affect me that much. i know that i cant say that really until im living it but heres a summary of my social life. if u want to give me a wake up call on this one, it would be greatly appreciated!

shopping: once a month max

nights out: dont do it. i dont like the bar scene so unless its a coffee shop (usually after a class or meeting), i dont go out.

as for that meeting mentioned: two a week. each an hour and a half long, and each when the father would be at home.

school: ive done that one before. i had to take care of my cousin between classes, while studying, stuff like that. had her from 600 to 1900 so i got wake up with her, feed her, nap her, put her to bed, do her laundry. i just didnt have to pay for her. she was 2mo-16mo when i was doing this. my grades went down about 5% but thats not too bad. i know "sitting" isnt the same, but her parents werent there and it was a daily thing so i guess its as close as im gonna get.

in all honesty, i hear ur words. i have no intentions of dropping out of school or even slowing down. if it needs to be, it needs to be, but it would be slowing not, stopping. matt would never let me quit school. also, my school offers a lot of distance ed courses, so i can do it from home if the kid needs me for an extra term.

wake up call if needed, but i dont see why i should wait. ive lived as much as i want to in the social aspect, we arent having money problems, school isnt a problem and we have support. can some one convince me why i should wait? not that i want to be convinced, but if there is something im missing, hell let me know.

oh, one more note. there was mention of "if u cant have a serious conversation" and i just wanted to let u guys know that its not that i cant. its that i didnt want to do it on the phone, so i wanted to go in "armed" or something like that. we talked on the weekend and packed up the last stuff . . . moving day is one week away! im so excited! new place yippee!

my friend said she'd be back in school right after the baby was born and they were settled down. umm no. she's probably not going to get back to school till her child is in elementary school.

how far along are you in your education? do you have a year left? two? that's not really that long if you think about it. especially considering that you'll have that kid on your hands for at least 18 years (hell, im' 21 and my parents still take care of me). surely you can hold off till you have that college degree in your hot little hands. in the grand scheme of things, a term or two is nothing.

Insane has plenty of experience with the matter, I'd value her words as gold on this one. After all, easier said than done, right?

have you checked out other parenting websites and see what their members have said? i don't know of any particular one off the top of my head, so could someone throw out a few?
either way, whatever you choose, good luck toyou.

Check out the excellent articles, and head over to the Talk forum to check out the boards!

Insane:
thanks a bunch for sharing ur story. like i said, its great to hear a first hand story! was ur child planned or a surprise?

Milke:
thats a good point, but i do have help and wouldnt be doing it on my own. if its a planned child, then he cant run, and he has no reason to. hes ready, im ready, weve discussed it and were planning for the "try to conceive" months so the littlin will be born in the summer. both of our parents are supportive, so there will be no shortage of grandmas and grandpas to babysit once and a while.

DarlingBri:
thanks! ill look at that. im obsessive when it comes to trying to be "prepared." there is really no over preparing, and no matter how much u think u know, u will be surprised every minute of the journey. thanks for the link.

now, we're not trying to harp on you; if you feel that way, sorry, we didn't intend for it to be conveyed as such. But one thing you have to bear in mind is that when we offer advice, that's exactly what it is. we can't guarantee that you'll agree with it, or that you'll like what we have to say. but we answer as we do because that's the best of our judgement. we would offer nothing less.

My personal feeling is, if you're not mature enough to handle people helping you in a constructive manner, then you're not mature enough to raise children. I don't mean to come off as harsh, but I personally am not seeing enough maturity in you. How old are you, by the way?

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-~-Katie-~-

what this comes down to is, we can only offer advice. it's up to XIII to take it, and yelling at her is not going to make her want to listen to any of us.

if the flaming continues in this thread from either side, we will have to close it, and i don't want it to come to that.

quote:

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Originally posted by Gumdrop Girl:
whoa, katie, let's calm down a little bit and not add fuel to the fire.

what this comes down to is, we can only offer advice. it's up to XIII to take it, and yelling at her is not going to make her want to listen to any of us.

if the flaming continues in this thread from either side, we will have to close it, and i don't want it to come to that.

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Gumdrop Girl:

I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to yell or put anyone down. I'm sorry it appeared that way. I assumed by saying "I don't mean to come off as harsh" in my post that people would see I was just trying to suggest something. But I realize how it can look. I'm sorry again, and I'm sorry to XIII Months if she was offended by my post. Next time I will think twice before posting. Thanks, and I hope everyone undestands.

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-~-Katie-~-

My son was not planned. But I love him just the same.

I was never much of a social butterfly either. Didn't really go out much, didn't do too much. About the same as you 13 months. But you would be surprised as to how stir crazy you will go trying to take care of a screaming infant (and man, do they ever scream) And you would also be surprised at how much shopping needs to be done. If you want to get the best deals, you need to shop around. Sometimes, you just need to smell fresh air (cause it has been a few days since you have seen the outdoors!) and it is a huge deal to pack up and kid, whether you are going out for 5 minutes or 5 hours. Think about getting your child ready for daycare, ect... You will have to leave a lot with your child, and it is hard to lug around a heavy baby.

Sitting for your cousin gives you a taste, but it isn't the same. You weren't exhausted from 12am, 2am, 4am, 6am, ect... feedings. You didn't feel so emotionally drained at the end of a day, and you didn't have a relationship with your partner that was being put to the ultimate test- many of these relationships don't survive.

I am in school, I vowed not to stop, cause I knew if I stopped, I wouldn't go back. I am doing it slower, which means longer. Longer until I can get a job and earn some money, longer until I can repay my student loans, longer before I can make a life for myself and my son and my partner.

There are no words that I can say that will make you understand just how hard raising a child is. I didn't realize it until I had my son. I too was disillusioned as to how this would effect me. My son is my world now, everything must and does revolve around him. There is no way I can say how much having a child impacts and changes your life. Raising a child is hard. You want your child to have the best, and having everything s/he will ever need right? Well, your child needs a mom who is ready for him or her. My best advice is still the same. Parenthood can wait, it will still be there in a few years, and you will be much more grounded and stable to enjoy all the good and bad that comes along with it. Take heart, that loving child that you want now, will still be a loving child if you wait a few years.

take care

PS-When I can get a chance (it isn't so easy to get a 1/2 hour to come on here and type) I will take you through a typical day. I once added up all the time I spent taking care of my son and doing all sorts of duties, and it added up to more then 24hours in one day!!! I have to get my son ready cause I have school now.

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Originally posted by Milke:
X, I don't mean to be unpleasant, but I believe you're being rather hasty.

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thanks for apoligising (i think thats what that was), Milke. i know i started to snap at u all, but i really felt attacked. as for being hasty, i just believe that there is no right time. the time is handed to u and u r to adapt.

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reality is an illusion: make of it what you will

quote:

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let's calm down a little bit and not add fuel to the fire...yelling at her is not going to make her want to listen to any of us.

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thanks gumdrop.

quote:

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I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to yell or put anyone down. I'm sorry it appeared that way.

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quote:

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if you're not mature enough to handle people helping you in a constructive manner, then you're not mature enough to raise children. I don't mean to come off as harsh, but I personally am not seeing enough maturity in you.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Insane:
[B]Well, I am going back to the issue at hand now! I was never much of a social butterfly either...surprised as to how stir crazy you will go trying to take care of a screaming infant...surprised at how much shopping needs to be done...you need to shop around...fresh air...huge deal to pack up a kid...you will have to go out alotwith your child...it isn't the same...relationship with your partner that was being put to the ultimate test...I wouldn't go back...impacts and changes your life...parenthood can wait...through a typical day

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i know that babysitting and having your own child are two completely different things. a taste is all it was. there is no way that being up all night with a restless, screaming infant and running after a toddler all day can be compared. i agree 100%!

the relationship will be strained while we are sleep deprived and just begging for the lil one to sleep, but now or later, that will be the same.

a wise woman once said that those who wait until the time is right, never have children. ive watched this happen to each and every one of my older cousins and i dont want it to happen to me. yes, parenthood can wait, but not for long.

i would love to hear a typical day! those are the stories that really help me out. because come on, when reality rules the world, as soon as i ask my mum what her typical day was like with me (im the oldest), shell get excited about grandkids.

thanks for the enlightenment, and for an update, we are now 13weeks preggers.

There was a thread with the typical day. I am sure you could find it, if you looked. It was started by aria51, and I posted in it.

No one can prepare you for whats ahead. No words, can discribe it. No matter what people tell you, it will be an overwhelming experience for a long time, and you will wonder what was I thinking? Many years down the road, you will realize it was all worth it! Until such time! Good luck, and enjoy your child!

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Originally posted by Lisa D:
I personally would love to hear about your typical day, and I'm sure it would be enlightening for many of our readers, as well.

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When you have a child, there ARE NO typical days!

or is that just me?? I have an active toddler, and every day is something different from the last.

It's exhausting and financially blah blah blah... but you do it.

you get through it, and hell it's even enjoyable.

The point I am trying to make (to everyone I guess) is that when you are ready to have children you will know it. And you will be ready to put this child first for the rest of your life, and you will be ready to care for this child (financially and emotionally) for the rest of your life. Sometimes the readiness comes after you find out you are pregnant, other times, not until you are in your 20s, 30s or what ever! What ever the case may be, when the time is right, you will know it in your heart.

A lot of people tend to think that having a child is cute outfits, and trips to the park. Any parent can tell you that it is far from being a walk in the park. People don't realize that it is temper tandrums, and screaming, and more temper trandrums (my son is currently throwing one cause I took one of my diskettes away from him), late nights, and early mornings, diaper changes, panic over a cough, and generally hard. It is also hugs, first words, steps, but there are like 2 "tough" moments for every "wonderful" moment. I think that is my biggest point. Raising a child is no walk down easy street, even in the best of situations. But if you are ready for it, it is the best "job" you could ever have!

Okay, those paragraphs don't flow, but there is a stinky diaper with my name on it, so I can't fix it now. I am sure you guys get the idea!

Take Care

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Originally posted by eagerlearner:
I have a child to . . . I wouldn't change anything, even if I had the chance . . . it all depends on the attitude you have towards life and your own possibilities . . . I am not an exception I am just one number in the thousands of young parents who make it.

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well said! thanks for a positive post eagerlerner!

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reality is an illusion: make of it what you will -- xiii months